An Innocent Wife

by Richa Resa

  “I’ve got to agree with you on that, Joshua. This world is fucked up, and we all fuck up, one way or another.” She laughed herself.

  “You see my family there,” she says, pointing towards the framed photo of her family.

  “From your view, it looks like a perfect family but it has never been easy. Nathan and I didn’t have it easy. We got married because we were childhood friends, but we were not really that into each other. Our parents wanted us to happen, and like idiots we thought it was a good idea. Dated, liked each other, had romantic moments, but everything shattered after marriage. We fought like cats and dogs, clawing at each other’s throat. He cheated in a haze of drunkenness and then I cheated on him as revenge. We were toxic. We would angry fuck each other and the next day someone else, just to hurt one another. Tears and pain were all I got from my first year of marriage. God, we were married and we broke every one of our vows every time. Our parents were fed up with us, we broke their hearts. However, one day we were fighting savagely, accusing each other and what not. Nathan was driving, and in the haze of fighting and anger, he lost control of the car. Before we could bring the car to a halt, our car struck a truck from my side. That was the day we changed. I had the worst injuries, he had two fractures. Nothing permanent, but he lost his career as a baseball player. Doctors told me that something pierced my lower abdomen. I lost ninety percent of my chance to ever be a mother. It was the day I cried the most. It may sound funny, but it was my dream to be a mother. After learning this along with the news of losing his career, Nathan turned away from me. Months passed and we rarely looked at each other.” There was this sadness in her eyes and it made me remember Eunice in an instant.

  “I thought he hated me, blamed me for everything that happened. I was quite sure he was gonna leave me, so I took the first step. I got the divorce papers ready, signed them, and sent them him to his office. Five months of silence, and the first word I heard from him was I was fucking crazy followed by a sorry. He came home with tears rolling down his cheeks. He didn’t hate me. He was ashamed of himself and what we had done to each other, guilt-ridden of taking my dream from me and making me lose a chance to have a child.” She sighed.

  “After a year and a half of marriage, for the first time we talked as civil people and got to know each other. We cried over our mistakes and for losing so much time. After that day we tried to save our marriage. We worked hard. It wasn’t easy, we still got on each other’s nerves and we still do, but we learned from our past mistakes. I found a new dream and pursued a degree to be a psychologist. Took time and patience, but with Nathan by my side everything was achievable. Six years later we found out I was pregnant. Nathan cried like a baby. It was a miracle. We never expected it, Joshua, and it still hurts to know that we wasted a good portion of our lives in fighting and tears when we could have had the same happiness back then, but then we both knew that if life hadn’t taken the turns it did, we would have been dead or divorced. We were sure about the fact we really wouldn’t have been the same people we are. So Joshua, whatever happens, it happens for a reason, and nothing can change it. One can always hope for a better future rather than cry over the past. I won’t say don’t visit the past anymore or forget it. Remember it and learn from it, that is the only way one can move on.” Clara smiled, and it lit the room with a certain kind of positivity. Maybe it was just me feeling encouraged from her words or maybe one can really move on. Maybe I could too.

  “So Joshua, are you ready to meet Eunice now?” she asked. I wasn’t nervous. I just looked forward to meeting her. However today ends, I would be content with the fact that I love her and always will. I had made mistakes and I could now leave it in the past and look forward to a future. I nodded to her with a bright smile.

  “Let’s go,” She stood up and we walked towards the door. She waited for me beside the wide opened door. I was eager as a child getting to meet Santa. Eunice was my Santa, my god, and the almighty for me.

  “Eunice is just next door, in the house to the left.” She paused and took a deep breath. “Before you go in there, I need to tell you something important.” I frowned at her. One moment I was trying my best to cheer up but her words were taking it away.

  “I won’t say that there is no need to worry. First, Eunice has heard our conversation through the phone. I wanted her to,” she says, pointing to the phone in her hand. I stared at it with haunted eyes.

  “Second, Joshua, you are ready to face life and get back your love. You have shed the anger and pain from the past, and now, right here, decided to move on. I can tell from the way your mood uplifted. However, Eunice has some anger left in her, basically anger towards you for hurting her. It’s left mainly because she was not allowed to get it out on you. She never got the opportunity, so she might scream at you, but don’t worry, you have enough courage and belief to dampen any bad time coming your way. Just believe in yourself and your love for her.” She stepped out of the door with me.

  “All the best,” she said, pointing towards the house next door. I stared at the house and then back towards Clara, but she was not there, she was closing the door of her house and leaving me on her porch. So much for uplifting my mood, I wanted to yell. I was back to being nervous again. With a deep breath, I walked towards her house, my heart beating fast against my ribs. I stepped on her porch and stared at the bell. It was really hard to tell what I felt while reaching for the bell. It was pure torture. The bell rang and the door opened too quickly. To say I was startled was an understatement. The door opened, and before I could say something or could look clearly at Eunice, she turned back and went inside the house. I stood there for a minute or two, thinking about what happened. I stepped inside. The house was filled with the scent of lavender and roses. My steps were dim as I went deep in the house. Walking down a hallway, I reached the living room. Eunice stood by the window with a steaming cup in her hand. She wasn’t looking at me, but I could feel her eyes burning me from the inside. We stood in comfortable silence.

  “I really hate you, and at the same time, I freaking love you.” Her voice was clear and loud. I felt content in hearing the last part of the sentence. She loved, and that was good enough for me. I could live with her hatred. I could bear it if love comes with it. She looked straight at me with her eyes red and puffy. Tears still glistened in her eyes. Leaving her mug on the windowsill, she walked towards me, and with every step she took my heart fluttered. She hadn’t changed…she was the same Eunice I had fallen in love with. She was as beautiful as I could imagine. The scent of her perfume invaded my nose and it reminded me of the happy times when we were in the beginning of our relationship. Picnics in the sunny day of spring with her bright smile. She was a breath of fresh air for me. She had blown me away. Those were the days I missed the most. We loved each other the most, I made time for her, I always did, and she loved me.

  “What the fuck!” I shouted as a stinging pain throbbed in my left cheek. It took me a fucking minute to understand that Eunice had slapped me. I looked at her with wide eyes, shocked. Eunice stood there with fury in her eyes. My heart fell in the pit of my stomach. The sunny side of my life had just turned into shades of black.

  “Eunice,” I whispered.

  “I—” Before I could say anymore, I got another stinging slap on the other side of my face. There were tears in her eyes and her slap didn’t hurt as much as her tears. I couldn’t see her like this. I had given her a lifetime of pain.

  “First slap was for cheating on me. For all those times when you hurt me by sleeping with other fucking women. You know I should fucking castrate your dick for what you did to me, and I swear to god I would do it if I learned you had it in another woman. I won’t really take a minute to think about not doing it,” she seethed at me. Stepping into my personal space, she grabbed my jaw and looked straight in my eyes.

  “And the second one was for you blaming me for Elle’s death,” she sobbed out and my head dropped in shame. I was wrong and nothing could ever change
the mistake I made. I hurt her feelings and broke her heart. I humiliated her and put her heart and soul through pain.

  “You really don’t have any fucking idea about what you made me go through, Joshua. I don’t think you could have borne even a fraction of the pain I went through. For the past year of my life, I went through hell and came back. Do you have any idea why? Do you have any idea how it feels?” she asked, jabbing my chest while tears rolled down her cheeks. I was the devil behind her tears. I had done this to her, taken her to my own personal hell. Whatever I do, I couldn’t reverse the effect it left on Eunice. I couldn’t do a single thing other than be sorry and grovel at her feet for forgiveness and one last chance.

  “I’m sorry,” I breathed while clinging to the three words to not to let me fall down into the pit of misery. I couldn’t right now. Eunice was so close to me, and I really couldn’t lose myself in the months of guilt and shame that I carried. It was a fucking torment to see her like this.

  “You hurt me too much, Joshua, too much. I tried to kill myself, damn it! I wanted to die!” she screamed while her brittle hands hit me on the chest. We cried for the pain we had suffered but I cried in her pain, the pain I had given her. Could we ever move on?

  “All you can say is sorry, Joshua, but is it enough for the pain I suffered, the heartbreak I went through? You didn’t throw away and punch my heart once, but twice, Joshua. You killed me by accusing me of hurting Elle and with your fucked up revenge, and then you rejected me on the day of your wedding to Anne. I begged you, Joshua! I begged you to choose me, to love me. How pathetic did you make me? Didn’t you see it in the way I pleaded you in the lowest point of my life? How could you have been so cruel to me? How? You said you loved me and you always will. Is this the way our love is supposed to be? For your sick revenge, you bedded Anne. You admitted you never loved her, but how could you have waited for her on that aisle? I was ready to sacrifice my happiness for yours once again, and yet you chose to stand there in the aisle waiting for your bride. I can’t understand you, Joshua! Is this the way you love me? I have been rejected twice in my life by the same man with whom I had woven the dreams of forever with love. You have hurt me so much that I have been scared to love you again. I ran away because I loved you. I always will, and it scares me, Joshua.” I fell to my knees and heaved.

  “I’m sorry,” I bawled. “I’m sorry.” Hearing her say those words hurt me in a way I could have never thought. Her telling the depth of what she went through made it all feel so real. I had been so cruel to her while I was mentally fucked up, and when I was back to my senses, I had hurt her once again. She knew about all the baggage I was bringing and yet she was ready to be with me. I rejected her, and with that, I rejected the love she had for me, the deep, passionate love that I longed for now. I looked at the pool of tears I had shed. They seemed nothing as compared to the tears I had made Eunice shed. She had every right to ask me these questions. I was asking her to put her faith and trust in me once again. She was scared, and I couldn’t do anything to end her fear because I was the one who engraved it on her heart. How could I change it? How could I make her believe in the love I feel deep in my bones?

  “I don’t know how to make you believe in me, Eunice.” I sniveled, looking at her. “I am a man who lost it all. Without you, I am certainly nothing, Eunice. Nothing. I have been the most foolish and idiotic man who accused you of those horrible things and made you suffer in a way I would never wish anyone to suffer. I can’t meet up with the pain you had caused, but if I have to get that last chance from you, Eunice, I would do it in a heartbeat, because I know at the end of the storm you will be there. I will be close to you and make you believe in the love I have for you here, inside my heart.” My hand went to my heart while my eyes begged her to understand me.

  “You have every right to fear even my shadow, Eunice. I get it, I really do, but my heart doesn’t. It has been so lonely without you. Nothing seems to be the same anymore, nothing feels like it’s enough. There is everything and yet I am lonely, from the inside I am dying.” I saw the pain she felt, the misery of seeing me with others, and her heart breaking with every wrong step I took. I felt the pain she had right now, and I wanted to die in it if I really couldn’t get her love.

  “That night all the things I said to you, Eunice. I meant each and every word. I crave for your smile, scent, and that love you had for me. I need it with every breath I take. Sometimes I know I am being so selfish to ask you to come back to me, Eunice, but it is really hard. These two months when you walked out of everyone’s lives, I blamed myself. I knocked on every door I could, hoping to find out something about you. I didn’t care about the fists that came from yours and Anne’s fathers because I needed to know about you, Eunice. I would have died for even the tiny information I could find about you. The thought of you gone and not knowing how you were killed me every night. I can’t do anything to make me repent the sins I had made, but if you can think of anything, do it, Eunice. I am at your mercy. Ask me to do anything you want to make me repent for the mistakes I made. I won’t question you about them, all I ask is for you to give that one last chance, Eunice, because without you I can’t really live anymore. I promise to never hurt you ever again, never. I would rather die than break your heart again. I promise to never have your faith and trust lost in me. I will never let those shatter or even crack. Give me one chance to prove that this time our future is going to be bright and filled with the dreams you built. Just one last chance. One chance—” I heaved. I broke down in front of her with my hands begging her to give me that chance. I needed that one chance more than the air I breathed. I couldn’t live a day without her. I just couldn’t. Her soft hands touched mine and I stared at her. She got on her knees with a tear-streaked face.

  “I love you, Joshua.” I cried more and more. “I will always love you. I never stopped loving you, it just wasn’t possible. You have ingrained yourself in every strand of my soul.” She wiped my tears away.

  “I need you the way you need me, Joshua. I have been so scared and confused that I couldn’t understand what I was doing. I wanted to hate you for everything you did to me and love you for the person you were and now are. I never let this burning hatred inside me out, this anger didn’t die, but today, right now it did. I have let it all out in the open.” She sobbed. “Today I have let go of the hatred for you inside of me. You know it all now, Joshua. You know my doubts, pain, and suffering. You get what I went through, you get it.” She smiled and wept.

  “I really hope you don’t ever break my heart again, Joshua. It is so brittle and weak. Just don’t ever hurt me again. Please, I beg you. Don’t make me regret choosing you again.” She cried out and I reached for her, enveloping her in my arms. I cried tears of happiness. She was giving me one last chance; I would never let her regret it. Never. We both cried the last tears for the pain we both suffered. This was our beginning, our revival from the last strands of love to the beginning of new chapters in our life.

  Epilogue

  Eunice

  Several hours, minutes, and tears later…

  We both stood in front of the splashing waves, holding onto each other. The sky colored itself in shades of red and orange. This descending sun was going to be a new beginning for us. It was going to turn a new chapter in our life and I hoped this future was going to be bright and filled with love. I didn’t need to tell myself that things were going to be fine, because my heart knew that everything would turn out great.

  “I want to start over, Joshua,” I whispered. “From the beginning. I don’t want us to jump straight into what we had. I want to begin this the right way, the way that this all should have started. I want to go on dates again, on picnics, and fall in love once again. I want to start our love this time as any other two unknown people would have.” He smiled at me and nodded. His smile took me away.

  “We will. We will start this the right way with one step at a time. We will fall in love once again,” he said, kissing my forehe
ad. We stared into each other’s eyes, and after a year of pain and misery, we were fine. Not just fine, we were good and content with this new beginning. This was love, the crazy, painful, and heart-wrenching type, and nothing could ever take it away from us. This was us.

  “You know, I forgot one last slap you should get for breaking my heart that day in the church.” He didn’t run or hesitate. He stood there waiting for the stinging pain to come. We both stared into each other’s eyes. I raised my hand and caressed his cheek. Rising on my feet, I showered it with slow kisses. His lips turned up and he smiled.

  “I love you, Eunice.” Those were the words I could never get tired of now.

  “I know.” I smiled and touched my lips to his. I was in love. He was in love. We both were in love.

  This is our love, his and mine with a future colored bright for us…

  In Japan, they say there’s a red thread of fate that binds people who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. It may tangle, it may knot, it may stretch or fray, but it will never break. It is a future as indelible as the past.

  This red thread had been the last thread of Eunice and Joshua’s love. This red thread that binds them had stayed and grown stronger with time. Their love survived and it will for years to come. This single thread had been the base for their relationship and no cruelty in the world had been able to destroy it.