Scarred

by J. S. Cooper

“It’s okay.” She leaned in close to me and I gasped as she grabbed my hand and placed it on her breast. “I like it when you touch me.”

  “I like touching you.” I ran my fingers across her stomach. “But if I start with the touching, I’m going to end up wanting more.”

  “I don’t mind,” she whispered up to me.

  “I don’t want your first time to be on the grass.” I voiced the words slowly and then internally I thought to myself, I don’t want to take your virginity until you know the truth and then you can decide whether you forgive me or not.

  “I’m not scared, you know,” she whispered in my ear. “And I’m not scarred from what Eddie tried to do.”

  I flinched as she said his name. “You deserve better than this.”

  “Okay.” She looked disappointed and hurt again and, as I stared into her brown eyes, I felt my insides melting. Lexi had the ability to alter my mood with a look. She always had, but I had never analyzed it before.

  “You know, in the dark, your eyes look greenish.” I pulled her towards me so that I could stare into her eyes. “They are so luminescent.”

  “I’m not sure how brown eyes can look green in the dark,” she laughed.

  “Neither am I. Maybe you’re magical.”

  “I wish,” she sighed. She looked so angelic in that moment, the moonlight barely touching her face, her dark brown hair hanging around her face, shielding it, and her long lashes fluttering. I felt something in my heart move as I watched her. Lexi Lord was the sort of woman a man could fall in love with. She was the sort of woman that I could fall in love with. And that scared me. She could do better than me.

  “You don’t need to wish.” My words were almost a whisper. “You’re beautiful.”

  “Do you really mean that?” She looked at me, puzzled and hopeful, and I wondered what made her doubt herself. Didn’t she look in the mirror? She was gorgeous. Every girl at Jonesville High had wanted to be her—both for her natural beauty and friendship with Luke, though we had all thought they were dating. Don’t get me wrong, no one had wanted to be her in a financial sense, she was as low on the totem pole as one could get, but the girls had all envied her natural style and sense of calm. I thought it was ironic that we had all thought she and Luke were too self-confident and snobby while Lexi, at least, was as insecure as could be.

  “I mean it.” I spoke slowly and softly and ran my fingers down her cheek. “Your cheek is smooth to the touch, almost like silk or satin; your lips are soft and plump and juicy and I could suck on them all day long; your eyes are expressive and kind, framed by long lashes that taunt and haunt me; your nose is cute as a button and warms me to your scent. Your long brown tresses are like spun gold, delicate, shiny and hard to come by.” I ran my fingers through her hair and I stared into her eyes. “You, Lexi Lord, are amazing.”

  She leaned over then and kissed me, softly, before pulling away. I could feel her heart beating in conjunction with mine and I knew this was a special moment for both of us.

  “Thank you, Bryce, I always knew you were a wonderful guy.” She breathed at me adoringly and I felt my heart skip a beat. She liked me and I liked her. It was as simple as that. Maybe I was being granted a second chance to do something right, to get someone right in my life. I didn’t want to ruin that by making her hate me. I promised myself that, if the relationship took off and went well, I would tell her.

  “I am really trying my best,” I said, honestly. And then I jumped up and pulled her up with me. “But we should both go home and get some rest.”

  We walked to our cars and I held her hand. It felt so right to have her close and I wondered what I could have done in my life to have been given this wonderful opportunity. She held on to me tightly and her body felt warm against mine.

  I walked her to her car and I was blown away as I stared at her even more clearly. The trees weren’t preventing all of the light from the moon and so I was able to see her even more clearly. She was even more breath taking then I remembered. And I froze. Because I remembered that I had dreamt of her face almost every night when I was away. She had slipped in and out of my dreams like a pixie. It felt surreal to have her here in my arms.

  “Is everything okay?” she asked me in concern, as I stood there in front of her, immobile.

  “Everything is fine. Beyond fine,” I whispered. I bent over and kissed her and closed my eyes to savor the sweetness of her lips. “Get home safe and I’ll see you tomorrow,” I looked down at my watch, “I mean tonight?”

  “I’ll be there.” She grinned and got into her car. I watched her as she drove away and I felt my heart ticking like a clock, perfectly and on time. I felt a sudden lightness in my step as I walked to my car. I was happy I realized. Even if the emotion was to be fleeting, it had happened. My heart was full and I was happy. I hoped that I would never ever lose this feeling.

  Chapter 11

  He wanted to see me at his party tomorrow. That was the only thing that played in my mind as I drove home, slowly and carefully. It didn’t seem quite real. This night wasn’t real. It couldn’t be. It couldn’t be possible that I had kissed Bryce Evans. And that Bryce Evans had kissed me back. Me, Lexi Lord. It just didn’t seem real. I wanted to pinch myself to make sure. I touched my fingers over my slightly roughened lips and then licked them, trying to get the last taste of Bryce in my mouth, to convince myself that that moment at Harpers Creek had just happened.

  Even the drive seemed surreal and, as I pulled into the driveway of my house, and stepped out of my car, I felt like I was floating on air. I literally could not feel the ground beneath my feet. I was too excited to go straight up to bed. I didn’t want to fall asleep, because I knew falling asleep meant waking up and having to deal with my mom. I knew she would want to harp on about the past with Mayor Evans and then she would cry and I would feel guilty. I just wanted to enjoy this moment. For once, I wanted to enjoy something good that had happened to me without feeling bad about it. It didn’t happen all that often.

  Instead of walking into the house, I danced across the front yard, pretending to waltz, like I had seen in some old movies on TCM. I had never actually waltzed in my life. I didn’t have a father to take me to father-daughter dances and so I had never gone. However, as I waltzed across the yard by myself, I understood just how magical a moment that must be. I collapsed onto the grass and giggled with delight as I stared at the stars and once again thought about my evening with Bryce.

  “Where have you been?” Luke’s voice made me jump and I nearly screamed when he touched me on the shoulder.

  “Oh my gosh, Luke, do not scare me like that,” I hissed as I looked at my friend, my heart beating fast.

  “Sorry, Lexi.” He frowned. “I’ve been worried about you. I’ve been waiting up for you to get home for ages.”

  “Oh.” I sat up at looked at him. “Sorry.”

  “So where were you?”

  “Harpers Creek.” I stood up and saw the tired look on his face and felt selfish for not letting him know where I was going. I knew he would be waiting by the window to talk. He always waited when I had had a bad evening or day.

  “By yourself?” He frowned, clearly upset. “Lexi, you know that—”

  “—I wasn’t by myself, okay?” I touched his shoulder and smiled weakly.

  “Who did you go with?” He looked a little hurt as he asked me. He was normally the only person I ever took with me to Harpers Creek.

  “I didn’t go with anyone, Luke,” I sighed. “Bryce was there.”

  “Bryce Evans?” His voice rose and he looked suspicious.

  “Yes,” I grinned at him, unable to keep my happiness to myself. “And he kissed me.”

  “He kissed you?” Luke frowned and his eyes narrowed. “What’s going on, Lexi? You barely know this guy. Why would you let him kiss you?”

  “Luke, you know how much I like him. You should be happy for me.” I leaned into him and smiled. “I think he may be the one, Luke.”

  �
�The one for what?” He gave me a funny look and he turned his eyes away from me quickly. “I don’t understand what’s going on here.”

  “I don’t know exactly what’s going on, Luke.” I said, hurt that he wasn’t understanding how important this was to me. “But I’ve liked Bryce for a really long time and I think he may like me as well.”

  “I see.”

  “We kissed and it was sweet and wonderful and I want to see where it goes,” I whispered.

  “Where do you think it’s going to go, Lexi?” Luke’s voice was raw.

  “I don’t know. Maybe he’ll be my boyfriend, maybe he’ll be my first.”

  “You would lose your virginity to that guy?” Luke looked at me in shock. “You barely know him, Lexi.”

  “I know that he’s sweet and handsome and a good kisser.” I stared at him. “I know that I’m twenty-two and I don’t want to be a virgin forever.”

  “You should wait to be with someone who loves you, Lexi.”

  “Like you did?” I frowned.

  “Briget and I had strong feelings for each other.”

  “Yeah—but you both thought you were in love when you had sex?”

  “You know that’s not true,” he sighed.

  “So why do I have to wait for this perfect coupling?”

  “I don’t want you to get hurt, Lexi,” he sighed. “Guys like Bryce, they don’t care who they hurt.”

  “He’s not like that.”

  “You’re just another piece of flesh to him.”

  “No, I’m not.” I looked at him with hurt eyes. “He likes me and he respects me, Luke.”

  “No he doesn’t, Lexi,” he said, angrily. “He didn’t give you the time of day in high school.”

  “That was years ago, Luke, we are past that now.”

  “Are we?” He looked at me with pained eyes. “All you seem to do is talk about Bryce from high school. You barely knew him then and you barely know him now, yet you think he is boyfriend material?” he laughed, bitterly. “Give me a break, Lexi. I know your mom sucks and you are emotional, but don’t go making any silly mistakes because you are rebelling against her. You don’t want to end up pregnant and single.”

  “How dare you!” I screamed and slapped Luke across the face. He had no idea how much his words had hurt and stung me. He had no idea how close to home he had come. Especially because of the secret.

  “I dared to tell you the truth because I am your best friend, Lexi. I thought that was what best friends did. But I guess, maybe, in your world best friends only get to hear some of the news.”

  “I didn’t tell you Briget was a bitch when you first started dating her, did I?” I snarled, angry that he was being this way.

  “You weren’t exactly friendly to her.”

  “I didn’t have that much time to be, you guys pretty much disappeared once you started having sex,” I hurled at him and he flinched.

  “I made a mistake, Lexi. I dated Briget because I thought I needed to be a different type of guy. I realized I wasn’t that guy and she wasn’t who I wanted.”

  “Okay.” I rolled my eyes at the seriousness in his voice.

  “I already had someone very special to me in my life,” he continued and my heart stilled. I didn’t want him to continue. I didn’t know what he was going to say, but I was scared—scared he would say he loved me, or Anna. I knew I didn’t want to hear either of our names mentioned. I didn’t want to know. Not now. Not when it would complicate everything. I needed him to just be my best friend.

  “I’m tired, Luke.” I pulled away from him. “I’m going to go to bed.”

  He looked at me with sad eyes and I felt myself pulling away from him. I couldn’t give him the comfort that he needed at this point. I couldn’t tell him that I was going to push Bryce away, because it was the last thing I wanted to do.

  “Good night, Luke.” I walked away from him slowly and I felt him walking behind me.

  “Do you want to Dawson’s Creek it tonight?” he whispered, hopefully, and my heart sank.

  “Not tonight,” I whispered, without looking at him. “Not tonight.” My heart felt heavy as I walked into the house and locked the door. I didn’t look back to see if Luke was still there or not. I didn’t want to think about him. Not now. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t be happy for me. I had been thinking about—and talking about—Bryce for years. He knew how much I cared about him. I didn’t understand why he wasn’t more supportive. I wanted him to jump up and down with me. I wanted him to ask me for details and to give me advice on what to do to find out if Bryce really did like me. I wanted him to be happy for me. I sighed as I walked to my room and drew the curtains.

  Chapter 12

  I was excited as my mom got the food ready for the evening. And my excitement pleased my father who, for some inextricable reason, had decided that he wanted to attend my party. I guess it was his way of trying to influence the younger folks of Jonesville to vote for him. My mother was delighted that both myself and my father were going to be home and was whipping up cookies and cakes to her heart’s delight. I wanted to tell her that I was having a party and not an evening soiree, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Knowing my friends from the football team, the food would get eaten up, so it really wasn’t a big deal.

  “Phone, Bryce!” My mom called out to me and I picked it up without thinking.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, Bryce,” Suzannah’s sultry tone purred at me through the phone line and I groaned.

  “Oh hey, Suzannah, what’s up?” I tried to keep my tone friendly.

  “Just checking to see if you want me to come to the party earlier tonight?”

  “No, why?” I frowned into the phone. “We aren’t together any more, Suz.”

  “Well not currently,” she purred.

  “Suz, it’s not going to happen.” My voice sounded frustrated. “Please accept that.”

  “You never used to tell me no, Bryce.”

  “You never slept with my best friend the night before he died before.”

  “Bryce.” Her voice was shocked.

  “Sorry,” I sighed. “Look, I’m kinda seeing someone else.”

  “Who?” Her voice was mean and catty. “Not that bitch, Mary?”

  “Isn’t Mary one of your good friends?”

  “I grace her with my presence, yes.”

  “Look, I have to go,” I sighed, eager to be away from this juvenile conversation. “I’ll see you later tonight.”

  “I think we need to—” she continued, but I didn’t hear the rest of her sentence because I hung up. I had no interest in what she had to say. The fact that I had dated her so long was proof to me that I had been in a bad state of mind for a really long time.

  “Hey, son, can we talk?” My father walked up to me with his political grin and I knew he wanted something from me. I sighed, but knew that this moment was inevitable. I had been waiting for it since I had gotten back.

  “Shall we go and talk in the study?” He walked in and sat down before waiting for my answer. “Close the door,” he said as I followed him in. I rolled my eyes as I closed the door and sat across from him.

  “Yeah?” I questioned him, hurriedly. Whatever he wanted to talk about was not important to me.

  “I think you should enroll at Notre Dame and then come and work for me as an aide.”

  “I don’t think so.” I spoke quietly but firmly and I saw his nostrils flare.

  “It’s not a decision you have to make now.” He looked at me with narrowed eyes and I felt my insides flare up.

  “I have no interest in politics.”

  “Then what are you going to do? Play football?” he scoffed. “You ruined your chances for the Pro’s a long time ago.”

  “Thanks for your belief in me, dad.” I said, dryly, unmoved by his scathing remarks. The truth was, I never wanted to play pro-football in the first place. “I’m thinking about going back to college. I’m not sure where yet and maybe I’ll st
udy psychology.”

  “Psychology.” He frowned. “What are you going to do with that?”

  “Become a psychologist?”

  “I guess you can get into law school with any major. If you want to become a doctor, I suggest studying biology or chemistry.”

  “I don’t want to be a lawyer or a doctor.”

  “But you want to be a shrink? Who are you going to help? Your crazy mom?”

  “How dare you.” I stood up and looked at him with hate. “I wish she’d leave your sorry ass of a husband. You’re the one who has driven her crazy.”

  He looked at me with distaste and stood up as well. “You’re my son, Bryce, so you know I have worked my hardest to make your life easy and carefree, but you are fast using up your resources, son. I suggest you come up with a plan quickly and leave.”

  “Oh, I plan on it.” I turned my back on him and walked to the door. I looked back at him before entering. “But I’d think long and hard about how you treat mom and me, you wouldn’t want it getting out how you treat your family and spend most of your time with your whores.” I slammed the door behind me as I walked out and ran up to my room. I couldn’t believe that I had just threatened my dad. It was long overdue.

  I picked up the phone to call Lexi, but I realized I didn’t have her phone number. I really hoped that she came tonight. I wanted to talk to her. To kiss her. To whisper sweet nothings in her ear. She made me feel alive. She made me feel like life was worth living. I wanted to tell her about my idea of being a psychologist. I figured I could really help people. I hoped that she would be encouraging; I needed somebody to have some faith and trust in me, even if it wasn’t deserved.

  “Bryce honey, your friends will be here soon.” My mom knocked on my door and opened it. “Why, don’t you look handsome?” She stared at me in my new jeans and navy Rugby short and smiled. “If you weren’t my son and I was a bit younger, I’d give those girls a run for their money.”

  “Mom,” I laughed and gave her a hug. “That’s so inappropriate.”

  “Maybe I need to start being inappropriate.” She looked at me seriously for a second. “I heard what you said to your dad.”