All I Want (A Farmers' Market Story)

by Helm, Nicole

  “Tell me about your family,” she said, less gentle, more demanding.

  He couldn’t quite say no to that.

  * * *

  FOR A SECOND she thought he was going to leave anyway. For a second she had wanted him to. But it was the way he said family—near my family, it had finally given her a glimpse. A teeny, tiny one, but a glimpse nonetheless, that he might be more than the position he’d been laid off from, and had still worked at after.

  “Well, my parents still live in the farmhouse I grew up in, but they sold half the farm to Dell, my brother, and the other half to a neighbor. My dad works part-time at a mechanic shop, and Mom works in the cafeteria at the middle school.”

  “You said your dad didn’t like the farm, right? That’s why they sold it off?”

  He lifted a shoulder. “Yes. I thought maybe they’d move, but Dad isn’t much for change. Since Dell and his wife live on the property, it keeps them close to the grandkid.”

  “Girl or boy?”

  “Girl. Lainey. She just turned two.”

  Meg wondered if he had any idea the way his face changed. The way his muscles, which had been so tense and ready to bolt, relaxed as he spoke his niece’s name.

  “She can’t say Charlie, so I’m Uncle Chawie.” He took a breath, focused that gaze on hers, the kind that made her heart flutter because it was so intense.

  She had to remind herself that this wasn’t about her. He was looking at her like that because she was now connected to his life, but it had nothing to do with who she was or actual, real feelings or anything.

  It was simply a mistake that had created a miracle, and now they both had to live with it.

  He leaned forward, and she didn’t trust the way part of her wanted to lean with him. Lean into each other and pretend it was as simple as that, but she had enough self-preservation to lean back, to know better.

  “You know, if we got married, we would be in it—wholly—together. I know it wouldn’t be true love or anything, but isn’t the good of our child bigger than that?”

  She swallowed; she knew he had a sliver of a point. But she also knew she couldn’t give her entire self up for this child, and allowing him this would be doing just that. She deserved to survive this intact, as much as her child deserved the best she could offer it.

  “I think a lot of people raise children separately and they’re just fine. In fact, better off sometimes.” Would her parents be as vicious to her if they’d separated? Because sometimes she couldn’t help feeling like some weird pawn in their relationship game. Or maybe their disappointment in her was the one thing they could agree on.

  “Do you really think a child is better off always trying to navigate two separate lives?”

  She closed her eyes, swamped with exhaustion. She didn’t want to have this conversation, this argument. She just wanted to sleep and have things be simple.

  But they weren’t. “I think it depends. And I think, in this situation...” Two separate lives. It sounded exhausting. For her, for the Seedling, for everything.

  But she couldn’t marry him.

  “I think it’s important to give our child the truth. Honesty. Navigating two lives will be a challenge, yes, but can you imagine if she grew up to think she was at fault for the way we treated each other? We can’t pretend away the fact that we don’t love each other.”

  “We could try to love each other. Eventually, once we have the important things sorted out.”

  In all the volleys he’d thrown her way, that one stuck the hardest. Because those who’d tried had only failed. The only love she’d ever known had been Grandma’s. Effortless, constant, unconditional.

  It was hard to speak, but she focused on the very important words. “I don’t think that’s how it works.”

  “We could decide that’s how it works. For us.”

  “Charlie...” She sighed, trying to find the words, or the energy for the words.

  “No, you’re right.” He pushed his chair back from the table and stood. “It’s not that easy. I like easy solutions, but there isn’t one.”

  “No, there isn’t.”

  “I imagine with the goats you have an early morning?”

  She nodded, something about the way he was acting not sitting right. She couldn’t put her finger on it, almost like there was something calculated in his retreat.

  Or she was being 100 percent paranoid, which was more than a little likely.

  “Then you should get some rest.” He smiled ruefully. “I’ll work on fighting the urge to tell you what to do.”

  “Thank you,” she said, getting to her feet. Of course, she couldn’t fight the yawn. Only nine o’clock and she was exhausted. But six thirty would come early enough.

  “I’d like to come back tomorrow. I do think we need to keep getting to know each other. Like...Seedling...we’re going to have to navigate two lives too. We should find a way to understand each other, don’t you think?”

  Something about the way he said it, the way he kept her gaze, that focused intent in his dark eyes... Something didn’t sit right. At all. But how could she refuse? How could she say no to this?

  He was right. They needed to understand each other, and they needed to learn how to compromise with each other if this was going to work once Seedling was born.

  So she forced herself to nod and smile. “Seven again?”

  He nodded. “I’ll bring a snack. My sister-in-law’s sister makes the pie you ordered at Moonrise. I can get you one for free. Not to get you to eat, simply as a friendly gesture.”

  “Your sister-in-law’s sister is Cara of Cara’s Local Pies?”

  “Yes.”

  “Bring me two?”

  He chuckled. “I’ll see what I can do.” He held out a hand, a formal, businessman gesture. Shake hands, business done.

  “How about this?” Instead of taking his outstretched hand, she placed her palms on his shoulders, moved up to her tiptoes and brushed her mouth across his cheek. Realizing far too late it was a gesture that wasn’t simply easy and friendly, it was weighted.

  Weighted with sex she didn’t remember and a child they’d created. Weighted by the attraction that buzzed between them even when she was expressly ignoring it.

  Impossible to ignore now, though she’d taken her lips off the stubbled cheekbone, her palms still balanced on his shoulders, she was still standing on her toes, so they were eye level with each other.

  Mouth level.

  She swallowed, her heart hammering in her chest. She could lean in and kiss him. She could test the attraction. She could do more than just get to know him. Hell, she could agree to marry him.

  It was that reminder that had her stepping back and managing a wobbly smile. “Better than a handshake,” she said, realizing she’d taken him so by surprise that he still had his arm outstretched.

  “I suppose it is,” he said, his voice low, maybe a little rusty.

  One hundred percent lethal. Heat pooled in her belly. The belly in which you are growing his child because you fell off the wagon that hard.

  Right. Priorities. Focus.

  “Good night, Charlie,” she managed, sounding only slightly strangled.

  “Good night, Meg,” he returned. For a second he still stood there, though he’d finally lowered his arm. Then he simply turned and opened her front door. So stealthily she almost didn’t notice, he flipped the inside lock of the door before stepping outside and pulling it closed behind him.

  He’d locked the door for her. Because he thinks you aren’t capable of locking your own door.

  She scowled at the cynical voice inside her head. She’d need to learn to mute that a little bit.

  Right after she dealt with the whole bad-idea lust issue. Because between his all too effective flirting and that
little moment with her lips on his skin, damn it, that was an issue.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  CHARLIE WAS UP at the crack of dawn. As an adult, he’d slowly and consciously rid himself of the ingrained habit of waking with the sun.

  But whenever he spent the night at his parents’, he couldn’t fight the native conditioning. While most days it caused him to be sweary and irritable until he’d had his coffee, today he got right out of bed.

  Because he had things to do today. He had a plan, and he had no doubt that on the other side of New Benton, Meg was already up and milking goats.

  He needed to get a better handle on her day. On why the goats. A better handle on her and her life. She’d offered pieces of herself last night, but it had all felt superficial. All the little pieces of herself she’d shared paled in comparison to the moment when she’d leaned over and kissed his cheek. The heat, the light, the shimmer. The way it lodged inside of him like something big and important, when it was merely a friendly goodbye.

  He somehow had to manufacture more of that, well, more without the uncomfortable lust under it. Lust could wait. It could come later. When things were more steady under their feet.

  Sex would be something of a distraction from the point—the point being he needed to build a relationship that could sensibly move to marriage, ideally before the baby was born.

  Then his life could shift back onto the plan he’d always followed, and things could make sense again.

  Yes, he liked this idea so much better than wallowing and feeling like he didn’t know himself.

  Humming all the while, he showered and got dressed. Quick breakfast, and then he could head out to Meg’s without seeming too eager. But when he stepped into the kitchen, Dell and his little family were crowded in there with Mom and Dad.

  “Didn’t know there was a family breakfast.”

  “Chawie!” Lainey darted over to him, lifting her arms with the utmost certainty he’d catch her and lift her up.

  So he did exactly that, something in his chest going tight. Soon enough, he’d have this.

  His own.

  He braced himself for the slap of her pudgy hands as he settled her on his hip. He couldn’t help smiling when they landed on his cheeks with an audible whack.

  “Hey, Sugar Snap.”

  “Lainey, you have to stop hitting people in the face,” Mia said warily. She sat at the kitchen table, looking pale and miserable, Dell standing behind her rubbing at the tension in her shoulders.

  Charlie had to wonder if Meg would start feeling that bad. He didn’t remember Mia being this unwell when she’d been pregnant with Lainey, but Meg would certainly need some help if she could barely get out of bed in the morning.

  He wondered if she’d considered hiring anyone. She’d need help in the upcoming months. Maybe he could gently suggest—

  “Earth to Charlie.”

  Charlie blinked to attention and realized just about everyone was staring at him with concern in their eyes.

  They thought he was losing his marbles, and he could hardly blame them. But he couldn’t explain everything that was going on. Not yet. Not until he had a better handle on Meg and the future.

  “Mia and I were hoping we could talk to you for a bit.” Dell glanced at the clock on the wall. “You’ve got time before you start your job hunting, yeah?”

  Since that wasn’t exactly what he’d planned on doing with his day, he hesitated, but when everyone looked expectantly at him, he could only smile and nod. “Sure.”

  “I’ll take this one,” Mom said, expertly taking Lainey off his hands. “Maybe after they’re done with you, you should take a nap or something before you head back into the city. You don’t look rested.”

  Charlie managed to smile at his mother. “I actually might stay out here for a few days. If you don’t mind.”

  “Oh.” Mom blinked at him, a fake as anything smile on her face. “Of course not.”

  Charlie tried not to take it personally. He knew it was worry. Usually she was busy trying to get him to stay. But they all seemed to think this job situation had sent him off the deep end.

  Had it?

  Charlie ignored that voice in his head and watched as Dell helped Mia to her feet. She grimaced and tried to wave him away, but Dell held tight, even as she began to walk out of the kitchen.

  “I’m on this antinausea medication,” Mia explained as they walked through the house and outside. “It helps me eat, but it makes me dizzy.” She smiled thinly. “Luckily I’ve got a personal walker over here,” she said, sounding anything but grateful.

  “The doctor said if—”

  “Charlie doesn’t want to hear about what the doctor said,” Mia snapped. She plastered a smile on her face again. “I don’t mean that in a snippy way. I just don’t think you care about all the inner workings of growing a baby.”

  “Ah, well, you know. It’s interesting, actually. This pregnancy has gone a lot differently than the first, hasn’t it?” He took the stairs two at a time up to Mia and Dell’s cabin and swung the door open so Dell could help Mia inside.

  They both raised their eyebrows as they passed.

  Charlie shrugged. “Just trying to be supportive.”

  “Yeah, well, try not to be weird,” Dell returned, helping Mia to the couch.

  Mia sank onto the cushions and then rested her head on a throw pillow. She stretched out. “I know this looks silly, but hear me out while I lie here like a lump. I feel so much better when I’m prone.”

  “You know, if you guys need help...” He didn’t love farmwork, but he’d do what he could. All the while thinking that Meg was definitely going to need some help with her goats the further along she got. Had she thought of that yet? Should he bring it up?

  “That’s actually what we wanted to talk to you about,” Dell said, sliding onto the edge of the couch and lifting Mia’s feet so they rested on his lap and he could pull her boots off.

  “We hope you don’t find this offer a little...insulting.”

  “Not the way to start, sugar,” Dell muttered.

  Mia glared at her husband. “It’s just...we thought maybe you could help us out while you’re waiting for the right job.”

  “Right. Well, whatever you need. I know I’m not much up on how to grow things, but I can follow directions.”

  “Actually we’re talking about more business-oriented stuff. Anna and Wes have been helping Dell with the harvesting and planting I can’t do.”

  “With a second one coming along, we’re looking to expand some more. Not necessarily in land, but in business.”

  “And we’ve both done as much as we can without putting a lot more time and effort into learning about the business and sales sides of things. We could take a class, or read more, or whatever, but we’re both kind of at the end of our ropes, timewise.”

  “So you want my help with...what?” Charlie didn’t understand what they were asking. Not because it didn’t make sense, but because ever since Dell had taken over the farm portion of things, he acted like Charlie’s lack of farming knowledge made him completely useless to his farm business.

  “Expansion ideas. I know farming isn’t your expertise, but sales is.”

  Even though Mia said it, Charlie couldn’t help looking at Dell. “You want my sales help?”

  “I know this is the kind of stuff you offered years ago and I was kind of a dick about it.”

  “Kind of.”

  Dell scowled. “Point is, I was being a dick, and I felt like I had to do it on my own. Well, I learned my lesson on that score, and Mia and I’ve talked a lot about this. If you’re willing, we hope you’d consider offering your perspective. And we’d pay you for it.”

  “You don’t have to—”

  “Yes, we do,” Mia said firmly
. “It’s only right. And if you don’t hate it, Cara and Wes could use help too. It’s all different things. Wes wants to expand online sales of his dog treats. Cara’s looking into having her own pie shop.” Mia’s sister and brother-in-law both had their own businesses, Wes selling organic dog treats at farmers’ markets and online, Cara baking and selling pies at restaurants.

  Both businesses were similar to Meg’s, with the same kind of instability, but Charlie already had a few ideas on how to stabilize things—Cara’s business especially.

  “We know that’s not exactly your expertise,” Mia was continuing. “But if you’ve got some extra time, we could pay you for your services. Kind of like a business consultant thing.”

  “Stop babbling,” Dell admonished easily.

  “Oh, be quiet,” Mia snapped, giving Dell a light kick. “The thing is, we know we’re just a bunch of small businesses, and it’s nothing that would take the place of a career. We just thought it might be something that might be mutually beneficial. You could give us some help, we could pay you, and then you wouldn’t have to hurry to take a job you don’t like. Dell said you wanted to stay in St. Louis, and it might take a while to find the right position.”

  “You couldn’t possibly pay me what I was making. Even for consulting on three different businesses.”

  “It’s not about replacing your old job, Charlie. Think of it like a stopgap. And allowing all of us to bring in someone we trust to help us grow our businesses.”

  He wanted to do it. He was surprised to find how much he wanted to do it. But he’d offered this before and had been told in no uncertain terms by his little brother that his help was not needed.

  Dell had changed a lot in the past four years, but Charlie hadn’t moved beyond how easily his multiple offers for business advice had been rebuffed. And none too kindly. Not that he’d ever let on that it hurt.

  That wasn’t how Wainwrights dealt with things like that. No, they bottled them up and kept going. “Look, guys, you’ve done fine without me.”

  “Now we’d like to do better with you.” Mia placed a palm on her slightly rounded stomach.