Don't Talk Back To Your Vampire

by Michele Bardsley

  Turn-blood: A human who has been recently Turned into a vampire. If you’re less than a century old, you’re a Turn-blood.

  Turning: Vampires can’t have babies. They perpetuate the species by Turning humans. Unfortunately, only about one in ten humans Turned actually makes the transition.

  World Between Worlds: The place between this plane and the next, where there is a void. Some people can slip back and forth between this “veil,” but it’s a sucky place to take a permanent vacation.

  wraiths: Rogue vampires who believed they were the top of the food chain. It appears they have been disbanded and/or destroyed. Despite the best efforts of Consortium doctors, their leader, Ron aka Ragnvaldr, died from the taint.

  Eva and Tamara’s Word List

  bugaboo: something that causes fear or worry; a make-believe monster

  felicific: giving or getting intense pleasure

  jollier: someone who jollies (banters, jokes)

  minutiose: a person who concerns himself with minute details

  persifleur: one who banters, offers frivolous talk, and displays mild derisiveness

  risibles: one’s sense of humor; sense of the ridiculous

  sarcast: one who uses sarcasm

  splenetic: a sullen or bad-tempered person

  subrisive: not quite laughing; smiling broadly

  tramontane: barbarous

  ustulation: the act of scorching or burning

  wowser: a puritanical person

  If you are a minutiose person or you enjoy erudition, Eva recommends the following books:

  Ehrlich, Eugene. The Highly Selective Thesaurus and Dictionary for the Extraordinarily Literate. New York: HarperCollins, 1994, 1997.

  Hook, J. N. The Grand Panjandrum and 1,999 Other Rare, Useful, and Delightful Words and Expressions. New York: Macmillan, 1980.

  NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR

  Death sucks. I don’t know this from a personal perspective, unless we discuss the possibilities of reincarnation. No, my perspective is losing someone to the Great Beyond. My grandmother, Virginia LaVerna Smith, passed away during the writing of this book. She planned her funeral (she was very organized, a trait that has yet to manifest for me) and let me tell you, she knew a thing or three about dying (and not just because she took the journey herself). She lost her parents, two sisters and a brother, her three sons, and numerous friends. But she soldiered on, living life to the best of her ability, showering family and friends with love. She taught me to cook, she taught me to forgive, and she taught me the meaning of fortitude. In short, my grandmother freaking rocked.

  If you still have the honor of grandparents in your life, pick up the phone, write a real letter, or go for a visit. Listen to their stories, hold their hands, kiss their cheeks, and enjoy their crankiness, their wisdom, and their memories.

  Yeah, I got crazy with the Gaelic again. What can I say? I love me some Irish. I know I used “fola” and “fhola.” I don’t why I kept adding that h in there—it was probably spelled that way on a Web site, or maybe I secretly adore the letter h. Sorry. Also, I wrote “Lorcan” without any accent doodads like they appeared in the first book. It’s the correct spelling, with or without accents, and let me tell you, the people in production have enough to deal with without adding an accented letter forty-one million times.

  You’ll notice I went crazy with vocabulary, too. Use my weirdness as an opportunity to annoy, amaze, or freakify your friends. If you know someone who whines, tell ’em, “Don’t grex, you witling!” Translation: “Don’t complain, you person with limited verbal grace.” Heh.

  My research for this book went in several directions. I have a fondness for ancient cultures. You may notice how I crowbar in certain ideas (er . . . Faustus the Roman centurion) because that kind of stuff fascinates me. If it fascinates you, that’s a sweet bonus.

  In I’m the Vampire, That’s Why, I created both a vampire and a Celtic mythos based on what I had read and researched. As I mentioned in my last author’s note, a lot of ancient beliefs and folklore were oral traditions. As such, many weren’t written down and we must rely on scholars and archaeologists to argue about which gods people worshiped four thousand years ago. Once again, we’re dealing with cultures not known to have a written language. Slavic folklore and mythology are even more chaotic and disagreed-upon than ancient Celtic beliefs. Really. Go on and look up the Book of Veles for a large taste of what-the-hell. What I really appreciated about Slavic peoples was their dvoeverie (double faith). They embraced Christianity, but continued believing in their pagan gods—performing ancient rites right alongside attending Mass. Unfortunately the origins of many of these rituals and celebrations have been lost.

  What it all boils down to is this: I used what I liked that was factual and whipped out my creative license to mess with the rest. History, schmistory. Any errors are mine and may have been done on purpose . . . so there!

  Here’s an introduction from the heroine of the

  third book in the Broken Heart paranormal

  series by Michele Bardsley. . . .

  BECAUSE YOUR VAMPIRE SAID SO

  Hi, sweet stuff. My name’s Patsy Donahue, and I’m an undead hairstylist. In Broken Heart, my clientele used to include housewives with bad roots, and strippers from the Barley & Boob Barn. Nowadays most of the females around these parts are vampires and really have no need for haircare. That leaves me with tending to those cutie-patootie lycanthropes and the occasional donor.

  I have a son, Wilson, who is determined to drive me stark raving crazy, and doing a damned fine job. Then there are the ghosts. Oh, don’t get me started on those interfering ol’ hags. Can I help it that my family’s power is necromancy? Talking to the spirits of the dead—could life get any weirder?

  The answer is yes. Y’see, I sort of rescued this guy (hey, he rescued me first), and it turns out he’s one of the most wanted werewolves on the planet. I spent eighteen years in a crappy marriage—I’m not about to spend even eighteen minutes with this silver-tongued devil who claims he’s innocent.

  But too bad for me. . . . He’s so gorgeous. I’ve always had a helluva time staying away from those handsome bad-for-me men. . . .

  My story comes out in June 2008, so look out for me . . . and hope for the best for my undead heart.