by DJ Manly
“You know. After my uncle did what he did to me…after he sexually abused me, I cried out for help. I was a child and I knew unless I faced what had happened to me, I’d always be a child crying out for help. I was lucky, I had Clint and Sam and my sister. You haven’t even acknowledged what happened to you. And somehow you think it’s your fault and that’s why you’re out here on these streets. I can’t save you, Cory. The only one I can save is myself.”
Cory stood there stunned. “That’s just an excuse, an excuse for you to run away, to deny what you feel for me.”
“Deny what I feel?” He choked. “Oh no, I can’t deny it and that’s why I have to get out before this swallows me whole. Just…” he put up his hand, “forget about this. Forget it ever happened and I’ll try to do the same.”
Cory watched him walk away. He stood there in the same spot for the longest time before he turned and went back to his room.
* * * *
It took Gian everything he had to stay away from Cory. He buried himself in work, worked on his days off and tried not to think about him. When he found he could hardly stand it anymore, he’d go out and pick up a stranger. It seemed to ease the ache for a few hours, but it would always come back again the next morning. He should have followed his instincts and never touched him.
Occasionally, late at night when he’d just come off shift, he would drive by the Stud bar, hoping to catch a glimpse of Cory from a distance. Sometimes he would. He’d be either hanging around outside the bar or walking on the street nearby. But he was rarely alone and Gian would drive on, feeling worse. Eventually he forced himself to stop doing that altogether.
He had gone and fallen in love with a prostitute. Could he have been any more of an ass than that? And it certainly seemed that Cory had no intention of getting off the streets or even taking a look at the reasons he was out there. Cory hadn’t offered to give up the life for him. If he really had given a damn about him, Gian figured he would have.
* * * *
Cory thought that Gian would come walking into the bar one night, but six months had gone by and he hadn’t seen him. His friends told him to forget about that cop, but that was easier said than done. How do you forget your own heartbeat? Never once had Gian asked him to give up the life. If he had said, “Cory, I love you, stop working the streets and come live with me,” he would have gone in a second, but he never did. He always pretended what he did didn’t bother him, but in the end, it was the reason he walked away.
All that money he had given him, Cory had put into an envelope and hid under a loose floorboard in his room. He couldn’t bear to spend it. One night, he took it out and counted it. There was over six thousand dollars there, each two hundred dollars representing one night of love with him, one night in his arms. He held the money to his heart and sobbed like a baby.
He missed him so much it hurt. He was all he’d ever dreamed of. He knew he wasn’t worthy of a man like that. He didn’t deserve him. He was a whore. That’s all he knew and that’s all he would ever be. All his life he’d been used. Maybe that’s all Gian had done, too, use him.
When Gian didn’t come back to him, he hooked up with Evan out of loneliness. Evan was a generous guy and, most of the time, he was nice. But he had a vicious temper when he was drinking. He was tall and dark haired like Gian, but skinny and average looking. He was into heavy bondage, which Cory didn’t mind once in awhile, but he would have preferred just straight sex. He wasn’t much of a kisser and not very tender, although he could be passionate when the mood struck him.
Evan worked in a factory and he had a nice apartment. He asked Cory to move in with him and didn’t seem to mind what Cory did for a living. Sometimes he’d invite his friends over and they’d have a real orgy, but then he would get drunk and Cory would go and stay at his friend’s house until he sobered up because he got mean. He didn’t realize that Evan’s temper would grow more vicious as time went on.
All the while, he dreamt of Gian. Sometimes he would fantasize about him when Evan was inside of him. It made sex with him tolerable.
One night when one of his friends brought up Gian’s name, Evan demanded to know who he was. Cory had never told Evan about Gian. He was jealous enough. He didn’t need to fuel it. “Ancient history,” Cory said quickly, waving it away.
“But he was a doll,” his friend, Steve said, “you should have seen this guy. What a man. He was a God. Really tall and all muscle, long black hair and big brown eyes, Cory, do you remember those eyes? They were like big pools of liquid chocolate.”
“Yes,” Cory said softly. “I remember.”
“Yeah, but could he fuck?” Evan demanded, laughing.
Cory was quiet.
“Answer me, could he cut it in bed? Bet he had a wee cock about this big.” Evan showed Cory and Steve the tip of his thumb.
Cory looked at him. “He was an incredible lover,” he whispered. “And he had a beautiful cock. But he’s gone now.” He got up, left the room and went into the bathroom.
“He’s still in love with him,” someone said aloud.
Evan followed him into the bathroom. “That true? You still love him?”
Cory wiped the tears out of his eyes. “No, and don’t worry, Evan.” He put his arms around him, “He’s not coming back to me.”
“He better not come back. I’m better in bed than him, right?”
Cory hugged him. “Yes,” he lied. “You’re much better.”
* * * *
Two months later, Gian went out with two male friends to a gay bar in the village. It was a nice place, classy and anyone was welcome. His sister Kayla was home from law school and decided to come along with them.
They were dancing and having a good time when Gian stopped dead in the middle of the dance floor. He was looking above him at a table on the second floor.
Kayla moved up to him. “What’s wrong, honey? You like someone just punched you.”
“I just saw someone I knew, that’s all,” he replied without expression.
At a table just above him was Cory. He was with a tall lanky man with thin black hair.
“Who is he?” Kayla asked.
“Someone I…” he began, swallowing.” Someone I once loved.”
“Really?” she said. “I didn’t know there was anyone. Is it the cute one with the curly dark hair?”
“That’s him.” He turned around and took his sister’s arm. “Stop looking up there. I don’t want him to think I’m staring at him. Just dance.”
“Did he hurt you? If he broke your heart, I’ll—”
“No. I broke my own heart.” He patted her arm. “And stop being so over protective.” He didn’t expect to see him here in this place. It was expensive and classy, not at all a hang out for prostitutes. He couldn’t believe how fresh the wound felt. It had been over eight months since he’d been in the same room with him.
His two friends were laughing as they began bumping together on the floor. They came over to grab Kayla and Gian around the neck and started doing some stupid line dance, laughing like fools. Gian couldn’t help but be drawn into it all and he was laughing with them.
* * * *
Cory sipped his drink. He paused and looked down on the dance floor to see what all the commotion was about. Then his heart began to pound in his chest like some kind of wild dance. It was Gian. My God. He was dressed up tonight with black leather pants and a deep purple shirt, open at the neck. He didn’t know the two other young guys, but the woman dancing next to him was probably his sister because she was a tall African woman with ebony skin. Very pretty.
When Evan excused himself to go to the bathroom, Cory felt free to indulge himself by watching Gian. He remembered holding him as if it was yesterday. He remembered how his skin felt, how his lips tasted. He could picture himself touching every inch of his body. He closed his eyes for a moment.
“That guy is looking at you,” Kayla told her brother. “Why don’t you go and talk to him?”
Gian sighed. “Yeah, maybe I will just say hello.” It was pretty stupid to ignore him. He had to be mature about this. He just couldn’t pretend they’d never met.
* * * *
Kayla watched her brother as he climbed the stairs. How could such a good-looking man be so unlucky in love? She noticed how people watched him as he walked up those stairs. He could have probably picked up any number of men here tonight. It wasn’t only what people saw when they looked at Gian that was the most important, it was what they didn’t see. He was the modern day hero, a man who cared, sweet and kind. Her brother deserved to be happy. The man he finally chose to love for the rest of his life would be the luckiest man alive but where was he?
* * * *
Cory sucked in some breath as Gian approached the table. He was sure he was going to just walk on by, pretend he wasn’t there. But here he was.
“Hello,” he said.
Cory nodded. “Hi.” His hands were shaking. He folded them together and hid them under the table.
“Who is the guy that was here with you a while ago?” He asked without hesitation.
“His name is Evan. We live together now. He works at a factory at the docks. We are very happy. We’re a couple.” He didn’t know why he felt compelled to say that.
“You want to hurt me?” Gian asked him, meeting his eyes. “Why don’t you just slug me, its faster that way?”
There was a silence as Cory looked away. Then afraid that he would walk away, Cory quickly looked back at him. “How’s work?”
“Work,” he shrugged.
“One of those guys over there your lover?”
“Both of them, every night,” Gian replied, then tilted his head and said, “Feels good, doesn’t it?”
“I suppose I asked for that,” Cory nodded, looking down at his lap.
“I suppose you did. Do you think I’m sleeping alone every night, waking up every hour, calling your name?”
“Are you?” Cory met his eyes.
“No,” Gian replied. “But you’d be happy if I was.”
Cory looked down again, “I’d be happier if you…”
“If I what?” Gian asked him.
“If you…I think you should get back to your friends,” Cory said, finding it harder now.
* * * *
Gian was about to turn and leave when he noticed something. He bent down a little closer to him and peered at him. “What happened to your eye?”
“My what?”
“Your eye.” He inspected the bruise. “It’s yellow, like someone hit you.”
* * * *
Cory pushed his chair back to create a distance between them. “Nothing. Leave it alone.”
Gian stood up straight. “Did someone hit you?” He demanded.
“Gian, leave it alone okay? I can take care of myself.”
“It doesn’t look like it,” Gian replied.
Just then, that man Cory had been sitting with came back. He gave Gian a dirty look. “He’s not working tonight, honey. Get lost.”
Cory stood. He put a hand on Evan’s arm. “It’s all right. He’s an old friend.”
“Well, old friend,” he said, glaring at Gian, “fuck off.”
“Who in the hell do you think you’re talking to?” Gian shot back. “I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to Cory. He can tell me to leave if he wants me to, not you.”
“Who in the fuck is this guy?”
“Evan, its okay. Gian, I think you better go. I really—”
Evan pushed Cory out of the way. Cory fell back on the floor. Evan reached over and grabbed Gian by the shirt.
“Take your hands off me!” Gian bristled. “You may beat up on Cory, but man, I’m warning you, I’ll kick your ass if you don’t let go of me, you fucker.”
Cory scrambled off the floor. The table went flying and the glasses with it. People at the surrounding tables jumped up from their seats, yelling. Several other tables crashed to the floor as Evan and Gian struggled.
There was one punch being thrown after another. They were struggling near the railing and at one point and Evan tipped Gian half way over the banister.
“Evan, don’t!” Cory yelled out. He ran over and pulled Evan back, which earned him a punch in the mouth.
Gian managed to hang on to the railing and pull himself back over again. Then he got in a good punch that sent Evan flying halfway across the floor, knocking over more tables.
Cory looked over at Gian to make sure he was all right. He was wiping some blood off his jaw. His shirt was ripped and his knuckles were bleeding, but he was on his feet. Evan, however, was another story.
Cory walked over to where Evan laid and knelt down beside him.
Gian was standing over them now.
“Evan, can you get up?” Cory asked him, trying to pull him to his feet, but he wasn’t strong enough.
“What a touching scene,” Gian sneered.
Cory looked up at him. “Are you all right?”
“What do you care?” he snarled.
Cory looked away and bit his lip.
“Get out of the way,” Gian told him, “so I can see if he needs medical attention.”
Cory stood and let Gian kneel down beside him. “Come on,” Gian said, “you’ll be fine.” Gian stood and looked at Cory. “You’ll be happy to know that your boyfriend is going to live. He’ll come round in a minute.”
The manager had called the police and suddenly two officers were there surveying the scene. They walked over to where the crowd was gathered and told people to stand back. One of them went to check on Evan who was still on the floor.
They didn’t recognize Gian as a police officer. “Sir,” one of them said, “what happened here?”
“We got into a fight. What do you think happened here?” Gian remarked, still wiping at his jaw.
Cory looked at the cops. “Just a little fight, no damage done.”
“There was damage done to the property,” one officer said. He looked at Gian and flipped open his book.
Gian’s sister was now standing near him, concerned. The two other men also stood near by.
“I thought your kind were a little less violent,” the officer remarked.
“Our kind?” Gian mouthed. “What in fuck does that mean?”
Cory winced. Gian was in a foul mood. Damn, he hoped he didn’t get into trouble for this.
“Sir, do you have any identification?”
“Want to see my driver’s license or my badge number?” Gian growled, taking out his wallet.
“You on the job?” the cop asked, blinking at him in surprise.
“Yeah, there’s a few of us less violent types on the force.” He handed him his identification. “But don’t say anything. It’s like the military, don’t ask, don’t fucking tell.”
Cory winced.
The officer looked embarrassed. “You’re Gian Davinci.”
“Sergeant Davinci to you,” Gian met his eyes.
“Sir,” he said. “I’m sure this is all a misunderstanding.”
Damn, Gian was a sergeant. He hadn’t even known that. There was so much he didn’t know about him.
“I’m sure we can work this all out,” the other cop said. “If you agree to pay the damages, I’m—”
“No problem. Give the manager my address and have him send me a bill. I’m sure you guys know that on my generous salary from the NYPD, it should only take me half a dozen years to pay him off. Can I go now or am I being arrested?”
Evan was on his feet with the help of one of the cops. He glared at Gian.
“You’re free to go, Sergeant Davinci.” The officer nodded at him respectfully.
“So, this is your cop lover,” Evan sneered, “Or maybe he was your cock sucker,” he yelled at Cory.
Gian moved so fast, the two cops couldn’t contain him. He went for Evan and, in a flash, had him on the floor again. The two officers tried three times unsuccessfully to pull him away. Finally, they half lifted him off Evan and carried him
outside.
Evan was laughing. “Should lock that freak up.”
Cory ignored Evan and ran outside. The police officers were talking to him, trying to calm him down. He was pacing angrily and staring at the bar. Twice he tried to break through to go back in, but the two cops blocked his path.
Kayla and the two men Gian had come in with brushed past Cory and stood near Gian.
When the police officers went back inside the Club, Kayla walked over and put an arm around her brother. They headed toward the car. The two other guys walked behind them.
“Gian,” Cory yelled, running across the street.
Gian turned around and looked back at him, then shook his head and kept walking.
“Are you all right?” Cory asked him, standing in front of him now. “You’re not hurt, are you?”
Gian raised stormy eyes to his “Why do you keep asking me that? Do you want to lick my wounds or something?”
Cory sighed. “I just wanted you to know that I don’t love Evan.”
“I don’t give a fuck who you love! Why bother telling me that?”
Cory shifted from one leg to another. “Evan is a little jealous.”
“A little jealous?” Gian raised an eyebrow. “What does he think about the line of work you’re in?”
“He…doesn’t mind that. It’s not the same.”
“Oh, I see,” Gian sniffed. “How did he know I was your so called cop lover anyway…or cock sucker as he called it?”
“One of my friends mentioned you recently, that’s all.”
There was a strained silence.
“Gian, maybe its best if you change bars, or something,” Cory suggested gently. “Evan really likes this place and it could be awkward if—”
“Your boyfriend can kiss my ass!” Gian scoffed.
“It would avoid trouble, that’s all,” Cory muttered.
“If Evan wants to avoid trouble, let him go somewhere else. I’ll come here as often as I like, Evan or no Evan, and you can tell him so for me.”