by DJ Manly
Kayla took Gian’s arm and started to pull him away. “Come on, let’s go.”
He followed her to the car where the other two waited. He got into the back seat and they drove away leaving Cory standing there.
It had started to rain. Cory closed his eyes. It was so painful seeing him, more painful than he would have believed. “I love you, Gian,” he whispered in the dark, rain dripping down his face. When he went back inside, he was soaked to the skin.
* * * *
Kayla got out of the car with her brother. Tonight she would stay with Gian. He needed to talk, although he would claim he wanted to be alone.
When they got inside his apartment, he said, “I don’t need a babysitter, you know.”
“I knew you were going to say that. Big tough guy. So, what was all that about tonight?”
Gian took an ice pack out of the freezer and pressed it against his mouth. Then he tore off his shirt and threw it on the floor. “He ruined my shirt, the bastard.”
“Gian!” Kayla sat on the sofa. “What happened there tonight? You could be reprimanded for this. You’re a cop!”
“I know I’m a cop, Kayla. Just let me worry about that, okay?”
“What was that?” She insisted.
“It was what it was,” he snapped. “I need a drink.”
She got up and poured them both some scotch.
He drank his in one gulp.
“You in pain?”
“Some. It will pass.”
“That’s not what I meant. Who is that guy?”
“What guy?”
“The sweet looking guy who told you he didn’t love Evan. Who is Evan?”
Gian sighed. “It’s a long story.”
“Well, I have time. Tell it to me.”
Gian poured himself another drink and sat in the chair, closing his eyes.
“You love that guy,” Kayla said.
Gian opened his eyes. “Past tense.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Well, you don’t know.”
“Was he your lover?”
“He’s everybody’s lover,” he sneered.
“What?”
“He’s a prostitute, a male hooker, a whore who really enjoys his work. Gian’s voice was laced with bitterness.
“But he loves you.”
“He does not!” Gian stood, banging the empty glass down on the table.
“Well, I was watching him tonight and I tell you, it was you he was concerned about. He looked like he was going to die when that guy had you over that railing. Not to mention that I almost had a heart attack. He pulled him off, you know?”
“Big deal.”
“How long were you his lover?”
“A year and a half maybe, but I paid for it, every bloody time.”
Kayla shook her head in confusion. “You paid that guy for sex? Why?”
“Because I told you, he’s a prostitute.”
“But he loves you. Why did you pay him?” Kayla asked, pouring herself another drink.
Gian didn’t answer.
“Why did you pay him?”
“Because I…I didn’t want to get too involved, especially with a prostitute. I never thought it would turn into what it did. It was supposed to be sex.”
She put down her drink. “But you were…are…in love with the man.”
“Yes, but Kayla,” he threw up his hands, exasperated, “he never offered to give up that life for me. It wasn’t my place to ask him. And my life is so messed up…the way I work, no one wants to live with me. Look at Jeremy.”
“Jeremy is not the same, Gian. You gave up on him. You were sure you couldn’t make him happy, so you let him go. He would have come back if you would have asked him.”
“I can’t make anyone happy, Kayla, I work all the time.”
“So what? If someone loves you, they’ll adjust. What about truck drivers or doctors?”
“Not the same. I put my life on the line everyday.”
“You didn’t think you had anything to offer this one either, so you kept paying him for sex because that way you thought you wouldn’t get too involved. Is that right?”
He sighed. “Yes.”
“So what went wrong?”
“I fell in love.” He groaned. Then with a sigh, he said, “I told myself his work didn’t bother me. We didn’t discuss it so it was all right. Then suddenly, I couldn’t stand the thought of him with other men. One night I overheard some stuff and I lost it completely. So I told him it was over.”
“Why didn’t you try to work it out? Why didn’t you ask him to leave that life?”
He shook his head. “I didn’t know myself anymore. I lost it. I wanted to…it doesn’t make sense…”
“Tell me?”
“I wanted to possess him totally and I thought that if I did that, I’d have the rest of him, too. I became a mad man, I didn’t know that man. I don’t want to be that man, Kayla. And there he was again tonight. Every time I’m with him, I debase myself, fighting with his lover. Damn, how immature. And I’m a cop, Kayla, how does that look for a cop to be fighting with his ex lovers boyfriend, an ex lover who’s a prostitute?”
“Honey, I’m sorry, but you are human you know.”
He sighed. “He’s not for me.”
“Where did you meet him?”
“Remember the big sex abuse case?”
“Of course.” She paused. “He was one of the boys in the…”
“He was an adult waiting for placement and I didn’t lay a hand on him in there. So you can relax.”
“Thank God. How come you never asked him to give up the life when you were seeing him? Didn’t you even discuss it?”
“I had no right to.”
“Yes, you did,” Kayla looked at him. “You were in love. He loved you, too, right?”
“He said he did,” Gian shook his head. “But I doubt it.”
“Why would you doubt it? Gian, you are worthy of love. I thought the counselling cleared all that up when you were a teenager?”
“It’s never cleared up,” he scoffed. “Counselling makes it tolerable and that’s another thing…Cory doesn’t think he needs help. All his life he’s been used for sex, that’s all he knows. We could never have a relationship unless he is willing to acknowledge that.”
“You should have insisted. Why didn’t you say, if you love me, you’ll give this up, get counselling, and come live with me?”
Gian put the ice back on his mouth. “Because I’m stupid maybe or…I don’t know. Now he’s with that jerk. He hits him, you know?”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. He had a bruise over his eye. It was yellow, which meant he had a black eye a while back.”
“A john could have given it to him.”
“Yeah, but,” Gian shook his head, “he was uneasy when I asked him. He’s afraid of him. And you saw what a temper that asshole had.”
“So, is that what the fight was about?”
“Not really. He didn’t like me talking to Cory. He thought I was trying to hit on him.”
“Oh, so because of that, you decided to slug the guy?”
“He started it,” Gian replied angrily.
“Why don’t you go and talk to Cory? He wants you, Gian. I saw it in his eyes and you want him. You could go to the Club once in awhile and—”
“I’m not going there to stalk Cory.”
“Not stalk. Just let him see you. Talk to him, Gian.”
“It’s over, Kayla,” Gian muttered. “What I want now is bed.”
Kayla got out the blankets and pillows for the pullout. “We’ll talk about this some more tomorrow.”
“Oh good, can’t wait,” Gian replied sarcastically, and headed for his bed.
* * * *
Cory stayed at one of his friends apartments that night. When Evan was in that mood, he didn’t want to be near. He’d be all cooled off tomorrow.
“How romantic,” Ray was saying when Cory told him what had happened.
“Evan is a big guy. Don’t worry.”
“Not Evan, Gian.”
“He’s a cop. He can handle himself.”
“What is a sergeant?”
“It’s a rank, I guess. Why?”
“Is it high?”
“Yeah, I think it is. In the army, they have platoons under them.”
“He never told me that,” Cory got into the bed and sighed. “I know so little about him really and yet I feel I know him inside out, does that make sense?”
“Cory, you still got it bad for that guy.” Ray sat beside him.
Cory nodded. “Can you blame me?”
“No.”
“I told him tonight that I didn’t love Evan.”
“And?”
“He said, I don’t give a fuck, in his usual sarcastic way,” Cory tried to imitate Gian’s deep voice, making it sound surly, which caused Ray to laugh. “He was angry. And you should have seen him when the cops showed up. Damn, he’s so cocky. I thought he was going to get hauled into jail talking to the cops the way he did. But the cops were embarrassed when he asked them if they wanted his badge number.”
“I bet.”
“There was a change in tone. But now he’s got to pay for the damages in that place and he didn’t even start the fight. Evan started the fight. I’m so miserable.”
“Well, I don’t think he’s very happy either. Don’t give up, Cory. If he didn’t still care, that fight wouldn’t have happened, right?”
Cory half nodded. “Maybe.”
“You said he intends on still going to that Club, you’ll see him again. If you love each other, it will be okay in the end.”
“You’re a hopeless romantic with your head in the clouds. And I don’t want him to go to that place. I don’t want him fighting with Evan. He could get hurt. And I can’t bear seeing him. It’s physically painful. I love him so much. When he left me that night, he ripped my heart to shreds.”
“Then don’t let him go,” Ray told him.
“Oh Ray, we were mismatched from the beginning. You know how we met, he came into Beaconsfield undercover. You know he’s such an honourable guy. He never touched me once in there, not once, although I was an adult. He told me later that he wanted to, said he was saint.”
Ray gave him a compassionate look. “But that’s the past. He came to you right after you met up again. He came to you. He wanted you.”
“Yes, but he paid as if he were a customer. I never understood that. I still have every cent he gave me and you know, I’m going to give it back to him,” Cory said stubbornly. “I didn’t make love with him for money. I made love with him because I wanted him. I wanted him the minute I saw him. I still do.”
Cory kept talking, telling Ray about things that happened at Beaconsfield, moments that he tucked away. Ray sat with him until the wee hours of the morning talking, until he finally fell asleep.
* * * *
Gian was busy at work. Fall had arrived and people were doing stupid things. Halloween was just around the corner and Gian had been invited to a party, which he couldn’t attend because he was working. He did go out for a drink after work and he ran smack into Jeremy. They talked for a while over a beer.
“I’m on my own now,” Jeremy informed him.
Gian really wished he could give a damn. “Sorry to hear that.”
“Why did we break up anyway?”
Gian watched Jeremy’s hand move across the bar toward his. “You didn’t like me being a cop, remember?”
“Pretty stupid reason. You look good, Gian. I miss you. Do you want to come back to my place for a…drink?”
Gian moved his hand just as Jeremy went to touch it. “No,” he said. “I’m tempted, but I can’t go there again.” He left Jeremy at the bar and walked home. It was one of those beautiful autumn nights where a light jacket was all you needed. He stood looking out over the Hudson River for the longest time. He felt little joy.
He remembered the last time he saw Cory. It was almost four months ago to this day. That was when he had gotten into that huge fight with his boyfriend. He had made the last payment this month on the two thousand dollars in damages he owed to the Club owner. Evan probably should have paid some, but it would have been too much trouble to ask.
He looked at his watch. It was after midnight. He started to head home, then changed his mind and headed for the village. Maybe checking out guys would distract him. He needed something to distract him. He regretted not going home with Jeremy for a moment. He could have been in a nice warm bed right now making love instead walking around the New York City streets all alone.
He walked into the nearest gay bar and sat down. Within minutes, three guys had come over and tried to pick him up. He was polite, but told them he’d rather be alone. A half hour later, he left, bored. He considered taking a taxi home, then changed his mind. He walked. It took him over an hour.
When he arrived at the corner of his street, he noticed that someone was sitting on the steps. As he got closer, he recognized the guy as Ray, one of Cory’s closest friends. What in hell did he want? His first thought was that something had happened to Cory.
“Gian,” Ray stood as he came to the steps. “Do you remember me?”
“Yes. I remember you. Is Cory all right?”
“Yeah, he’s fine. Look, I came by to give you this,” he handed him a package. “Took us awhile to figure out where you lived so…” he paused ”Cory wanted you to have this, months ago. He thought you could use it to pay for the damages to the Club.”
Gian looked at it. “What is it?”
“Money.”
“I don’t want his money,” Gian protested, handing it back.
Ray pushed it at him again. “It’s not his money. It’s your money.”
Gian narrowed his eyes. “How did you find me anyway?”
“Wasn’t easy.”
Gian opened the envelope. It was full of one hundred dollar and fifty dollar bills. “Where did he get all this?”
“From you,” Ray insisted.
“I don’t get it. Where is he?”
“Cory?”
“Ya, Cory. Where is he…with that jack off Evan piece of garbage?”
Ray nodded. “At the Stud.”
“Where you going anyway?” Gian asked him.
“Anywhere you’re going, sweetie” he smiled at him.
“I mean, are you going back there, too?”
“Ya. Unless,” he looked up at the building, “you need a lube job or something.”
“No, thanks. I’m fine for now. I’ll get the car and drive you back.” He tucked the envelope inside his jacket and hunted for his car keys. He pulled the car around front and Ray jumped in.
* * * *
As Gian drove out into the road, Ray watched him. He looked at his hands as they sat casually on the wheel. He was a very masculine guy, rugged and strong. He wouldn’t have wanted to be a criminal that he was after. He was extremely good looking and sexy, but without really trying to be, he just was. “You know,” Ray said suddenly, “Cory loves you.”
“Ray,” Gian replied in that deep voice of his, watching his rear view mirror as he changed lanes, “leave it alone.”
“I can’t leave it alone,” Ray complained. “I’m the shoulder Cory cries on most often. I truly wish he’d forget about you.”
“I’m sure he has.”
“No,” Ray shook his head. “Believe me, he hasn’t. If he would forget about you, I’d take him in a second because he’s quite wonderful. Besides, that Evan guy is a creep.”
Gian glanced at him. “He hits him, doesn’t he?”
“Not all the time. When he’s drunk. When he’s sober, he’s not that bad, but Cory can do better than that.”
“Bastard,” Gian hissed. “If he wants to hit someone, he can try hitting me.”
“I hear he already did that,
” Ray laughed.
“But I was still standing afterward and he wasn’t.”
“Cory told me about it. He thought Evan was going to hurt you. He was pretty scared that night.”
“He needn’t have worried.”
“I told him that. I think Cory forgets you’re a cop sometimes. Of course, very few cops we ever saw looked liked you.”
Gian pulled the car into the parking lot of the Stud bar without comment.
Ray got out and ran into the bar. He wanted to warn Cory that Gian was here. “Cory,” Ray said, pulling him up from where he sat at a table near the bar. “Where’s Evan?”
“Playing pool, why? What’s wrong?”
“Cause Gian is here.”
Cory swallowed. “He is? Where?”
“Yes. He—”
* * * *
“What in hell is this all about?” Gian was standing in front of him suddenly. He threw the envelope down on the table.
“Hi, Gian,” Cory said softly. “How are you?”
“Never mind how I am. What is all this money for?”
“It’s yours,” Cory told him. “It’s all the money you paid me to have sex with you. I never touched a cent of it.”
“Why?”
“Why didn’t I spend it or why did I give it back?” Cory asked him quietly.
“Both,” Gian replied hotly.
“I couldn’t take money for something I wanted that badly.” He stood and came a little closer. “I wanted you,” Cory told him, meeting his eyes. “You never had to pay for it. I thought the money would help you pay for the damages at that Club. You didn’t start the fight.”
“Neither did you,” he accused.
He put his head down.
“Anyway…do something with it,” Gian said, shaking his head. “Take a trip somewhere. Buy a new boyfriend.”
Cory picked up the envelope and held it out to him. “Are you for sale?” His eyes were red with unshed tears.
“No, sorry.”
“I think you better go because Evan is here somewhere and he won’t be happy to see you,” Cory picked up his drink and downed it. It looked like he’d need another as soon as Gian walked out the door.
Gian nodded. “Yeah, you’re right. I don’t feel like getting into it tonight with your lover.” He left the envelope on the table and walked away.