Molvania
Page 15
Earliest records date back to the 8th century and indicate that Jzerbo was caught up in numerous battles with invading armies. Years of constant warfare in the vicinity of the town led to all buildings being makeshift wooden houses that could easily be burnt as a preliminary defence to the city, a practice that perhaps explains the strong tradition of arson that exists amongst the local citizenry today. By the Renaissance, Jzerbo was a very advanced city and in 1681 it published Molvania’s first daily newspaper, the Gzorme-mec, which was also the first daily paper in Europe to feature lithographs of semi-clad wenches on page three.
Sadly, the city was wracked by civil conflict for much of the next century, as various local warlords fought for control. The eventual victor, Duke Hrojkac III (Hrojkac the Ruddy), ruled for almost two decades. A despotic autocrat, he crushed all opposition with ruthless tyranny (although he did introduce the metric system) until his overthrow in 1796, when the people of Jzerbo rose up under the command of a young, charismatic peasant, Ljocek Vrutklen (‘the yokel king’). This peasant leader’s first move was to call for free and democratic elections, in which he received 123% of the vote, restoring Jzerbo to its position as a peaceful and modern Molvanian city. In 1801 torture was abolished as part of the legal process, although it remained popular as a means of public entertainment until the 1970s.
Jzerbo is situated on the idyllic River Dribl.
WHEN TO GO
Whilst there are no specific festivals or events scheduled in Jzerbo, one should avoid the conclusion that the residents are either bland or lacking in excitement. As the window of the local Buro dj Turizm declares, ‘In Jzerbo every day is a holiday!’, which could explain why the office seems to be permanently shut.
HOW TO GET THERE
The most common way of reaching Jzerbo is by bus from Lutenblag. The government bus line AutoMolv operates a weekly service that generally runs non-stop (it has no brakes), although there are also several private companies. You can also fly AeroMolv from Lutenblag, however, the trip often takes several hours as company policy demands pilots keep circling until all on-board alcohol has been purchased and consumed by passengers. Rental cars are not recommended in Jzerbo (it is, after all, the birthplace of road-rage) due to the narrow streets and the fact that local residents may legally drive at the age of nine.
HOW TO GET AROUND
For visiting all but the furthest reaches of town, trollejbuses are your best bet, though they tend to be uncomfortably crowded throughout most of the day and it is often necessary to jostle with other passengers in order to alight and disembark. During busy peak periods a small knife or blood-filled syringe may be useful to clear a path. Remember, smoking is permitted only at the back of the bus; the same rule applies to expectoration, although this by-law is not so rigorously enforced.
JUST FOR A LAUGH!
A craze that has recently taken over Jzerbo is humorous bumper stickers; here are a few of our favourites!
WHERE TO STAY
The truth is, Jzerbo has struggled to keep up with demand for quality accommodation, and visitors to the city may be disappointed by the limited choices available at the top end. Hopefully, this situation will soon be remedied as the local government has been attempting to kick-start hotel development by offering incentives to investors in the form of tax relief and immunity from prosecution. There are, however, plenty of mid-range and budget accommodation options to be found within the city. Decent lodging in outlying areas is, of course, a little more difficult to come by and there are very few ‘hotels’ as such, although several farming communities offer limited shed-and-breakfast accommodation.
$$$ Accommodation Luxury
Not Applicable.
$$ Accommodation Mid-Range
The location of the modern accommodation complex Hotjl Kentral is not great: the middle of a dreary housing estate about 5km from the town centre. However, the hotel does have its own extensive private grounds where guests can enjoy a fair degree of tranquillity surrounded by mature trees and razor wire fencing. Guests come back to the Kentral year after year, not only for the attentive service but, to search for loved ones believed buried in the hotel grounds.
296 Sv G.Estefan
41 9206
41 9207
kentral@moldi.co.mv
106
DC, MC, V
Plavniekji is a medium-sized establishment just to the north of Jzerbo’s city centre with plenty of small, well-kept rooms. Naturally, prices are higher during the summer months when cleaning staff arrive, but even then you can get a double room for under 100.
Note: This tariff includes a breakfast that is adequate but not generous and guests are reminded that severe penalties apply to anyone attempting to help themselves to an extra slice of toast.
12 Av Vrutken
42 8282
42 8222
plavn@molnet.co.mv
48
DC, MC, V
In 2001, government-owned, three-star hotel Kaca Baltka underwent extensive renovations, including the addition of extra rooms, each furnished with locally-made furniture and decorated with handicrafts from some of Jzerbo’s leading artists. It is now rated one-and-a-half stars.
64 Sv Rojal
41 4895
41 4896
kaca@moldi.co.mv
40
MC, V
$ Accommodation Budget
Almost in the centre of town, just a short walk from the railway station, you’ll find Pensjon Klajmazcis, a rather grim-looking but clean private hotel. Despite its somewhat noisy location, the rooms here are all sound-proofed, which makes them very popular with honey-mooners and members of the Jzerbo underworld.
89 Bvd Busjbusj
49 2206
49 2207
klam@molnet.co.mv
26
DC, MC, V
Another good-value option for those prepared to stay a little out of town is Tija, a modest three-storey hotel to Jzerbo’s south. The place may lack a few touches of luxury (i.e. bring your own linen) but this is more than compensated for by the friendly, well-trained staff who will help with sightseeing and can arrange for guests to rent everything from mountain bikes to young boys.
186 Sv Agtul
42 2406
tija@molnet.co.mv
86
V
Located just across the river from the Old Town, Hostjl Latjavko is a dormitory-style facility that attracts large numbers of backpackers and wasps. There are 50 bunk beds available here, meaning the hostel is officially licensed to accommodate 2000 guests.
86 Sv Rojal
41 9206
41 9207
50
MC, V
As mentioned above, accommodation options outside Jzerbo are pretty limited, but one place worth a mention is Rjusta Jzarmac, a newly-opened aggroturizm centre some 60km west of the city. It’s basically a working farm full of rusty features where guests get to stay in rooms above the barn, eat meals with the family and help them slaughter livestock.
Note: The place is open year-round, but if you’re thinking of dropping in it’s a good idea to call in advance so they can reserve a bed and chain up the dogs.
25 Sv Hetski
44 2158
6
Farmstay accommodation is widely available throughout the Great Central Valley. However, standards may vary from region to region.
WHERE TO EAT
As with its hotels, Jzerbo has struggled to keep pace with the tourism boom when it comes to fine dining. But visitors prepared to be a little adventurous and explore the city’s gastronomical offerings will not be disappointed. Several high-quality restaurants have recently opened or been re-opened following a Department of Sanitation all-clear. There are also numerous tavernjas about town offering authentic regional fare, often accompanied by live folk dancing. Remember, if a local artist performs at your table, good manners dictate that you give a tip; the amount depends on whether the performance takes place next to your table o
r on top of it.
As far as drinking goes, don’t forget that Jzerbo wines are fairly robust, with an alcohol content of around 15–18%. Beers are a little lighter (5–6%), and then of course there’s always the local mineral water (3.5%).
$$$ Dining Luxury
Despite the location of Bouljvard N10, right on Jzerbo’s main square, noise from the passing crowds can barely be heard inside this elegant eatery. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said of the noise from resident pianist, Iobor Jzerbcej, whose love of Molvanian marching music makes for somewhat strident listening.
10 Bvd Busjbusj
48 3145
MC, V
This is another of Molvania’s popular ‘elevated’ eateries. Bistroj Skie-Hi is perched a stunning 85m in the air, atop the swaying frame of Jzerbo’s telecommunications tower. This exclusive restaurant is one of the city’s most popular and expensive. Certainly not a place for those suffering from vertigo, the views from any of the window seats are stunning. Bookings are essential and the dress code stipulates all diners must wear a safety harness.
78 Av Vrutken
43 7375
Ponj Vredjom, as its name suggests, is built on a bridge overlooking Jzerbo’s River Vredom. Water views are a feature at this stylish cafe, whether it’s the front window seats offering sweeping vistas of city lights reflected in the river, or the back tables overlooking an outlet pipe from the men’s urinals.
Note: The ‘Ponj’ also has an excellent wine list, provided you intend drinking spirits.
4 Ponj Vredjom
41 3345
$$ Dining Mid-Range
Pjojo Buz is a ground-level restaurant serving typical Jzerbo dishes – large, high in cholesterol and lukewarm – and is popular with local showbiz personalities, many of whom can be seen serving behind the bar. Despite its casual feel, there is a fairly strict dress code here, requiring men to wear a jacket and shoes.
57 Sv F.Castro
48 3145
Friendly, family-run bistro Gosttilja pri Plavjo is generally full year-round, due no doubt to its excellent food and the fact it only has two tables. The chef’s specialty for two, szijka, consists of mixed sausages, steak and shish kebabs served with a garnish of rosemary on a sizzling hot-plate. There is a vegetarian version but, as it only includes the garnish, non-meat eaters might want to consider an alternative dish.
35 Bvd Busjbusj
45 9595
$ Dining Budget
Arja Tavernja is a traditional pub-style establishment. A string of cowbells clangs as you open the heavy wooden door and a waitress will pour you a glass of homemade red wine. On no account should this be drunk. The walls are covered with the furs of local wildlife and these uncured hides exude an air of rustic authenticity along with a distinct aroma of rotting flesh. Whilst pungent, at least it distracts from the aromas emanating from the restaurant’s kitchen. But the food is at least hearty and we can safely say you won’t find better stewed goose giblets anywhere in Europe.
70 Av Vrutken
45 3846
Don’t be fooled by the sign outside seedy Bistroj Bzorzo’s advertising ‘topless staff’. Many of them are quite elderly and all are men whose commitment to the hospitality industry would seem fleeting at best. This aside, the food is okay and you should look out for the ‘Special of the Day’ display board which, according to several reports, was last updated in 1976.
145 Sv G.Estefan
44 2615
HIGHLIGHTS
Like most large Molvanian towns, the centre of Jzerbo is dominated by an impressive cathedral, dedicated to the city’s protector, Saint Cvorbcek. The cathedral is open to the public each morning from 8am and it’s worth getting there early as the place can get rather crowded with tourists. (Remember – no singlets, sandals or nipple-rings.) At the front of the church’s entrance you will often see a toothless beggar hissing profanities at passers-by. He is the local bishop.
Inside the magnificent Baroque cathedral you’ll immediately be struck by the massive organ, which was designed and built in 1884 by the Molvanian instrument-maker Jurjst Yvenc of Lutenblag. With four manuals and pedal board, 6718 pipes (ranging in size from 10m to 13m) and 124 stops, it is one of the largest organs in Europe yet, strangely, is capable of producing only a thin, reedy squeak.
The nearby Chapel of St Anjevlik was built between 1622 and 1636, while work on its sumptuous interior continued for another decade. The stunning ceiling frescoes were painted by the Italian master Iacinto Campana and include The Baptism of Christ and The Death of St Peter. Art historians are, however, divided over whether the same artist contributed to a portrait in the vestry titled Nude Girl Riding Horse on Beach.
Culture lovers should consider a visit to Jzerbo’s Krisjanis Burzjen Memorial Museum. This little-known exhibit is located in the flat (No. 5) occupied by Krisjanis Burzjen himself, Molvania’s most famous collector of oral literature. The museum recreates his life and work, and is well worth a visit, although female visitors are warned that if Mr Burzjen invites you upstairs to view his ‘folkloric display’ it is best to go in a group.
Museum director Krisjanis Burzjen. (Photo courtesy ‘Molvania’s Most Wanted’.)
Also close to the centre of town is the Jzerbo Museum of Natural History. This museum has permanent exhibitions of geology, entomology and anthropology, as well as an extensive herbarium display. You certainly won’t be bothered by crowds here as the museum has never had a visitor.
One of the most beautifully preserved thoroughfares in Jzerbo is the boulevard running along the southern side of the Vredjom Park. In addition to the cafes and antique shops, there are also several attractively restored historic houses in this street, including a large bluestone villa that was once occupied by the city executioner until the position was abolished in 1993.
True Faith...
St Cvorbcek is the locally born saint and protector of Jzerbo, and images of this heavily bearded figure can be seen throughout the city. She was born in 1398, a simple peasant girl, but soon developed a reputation as a devout mystic who would regularly fall into a deep trance and have visions, many of them involving naked men. Devotion to St Cvorbcek reached a peak early last century when a statue of her outside Jzerbo apparently began to weep. Thousands of believers braved the hazardous journey and high ticket prices to make a pilgrimage to this holy shrine, and numerous miracles were attributed to the saintly image. Crowd numbers dropped off in the 1980s when scientific investigations revealed that the statue’s tears were triggered by a coin-operated pump but, even today, worshippers still visit this blessed monument.
Not one for the faint-hearted, Jzerbo is home to one of the largest and most popular stajbulek (bull-fighting) stadiums in all of Europe. Molvanian bull-fighting differs from the Spanish version in a number of ways: for a start, the matjeodor (or bull-fighter) rides a three-wheeled trail bike and, instead of teasing the bull with a red cloak, he controls it with a long-handled electric cattle prod. Naturally, the crowd loves every minute of this unique spectacle and will often wage large sums of money on how many minutes the animal will last before going into cardiac arrest.
On the western outskirts of the city is a large park featuring ponds, fountains, picnic facilities and a forest cemetery. Many famous Jzerbo residents have been buried in this pine forest, including writer Vorj Dragkot, chess champion Illjia Ggrezel and the great stage actor Hernj Hkorml, who later had to be dug up after forensic tests revealed he was not dead but simply in the middle of a dramatic pause.
Surrounding much of Jzerbo is a deep moat filled with stagnant water that gives off a putrid smell. Be careful to keep well clear –not only is it dangerous, this is the town’s main water supply.
GYRORIK
Gyrorik is often called the ‘Gateway to Molvania’ and, certainly, if you were wandering aimlessly south across the barren plains of the Torzjeccim swamplands this could well be considered an accurate description. Apart from being one of Molvania’s oldest cities, it also t
he country’s most multicultural, with people from Poland, Slovakia, Hungary, Estonia and Ukraine all serving time here at the Gyrorik Criminal Detention Centre (open for tours Mon–Fri, please do not feed the inmates).
With wide, tree-lined boulevards, numerous gardens and parks, and a riverfront boardwalk, Gyrorik would easily be one of the most visually charming cities in Molvania. Sadly, most of these features were either destroyed or obscured during the 1970s development boom, and without them it’s a pretty grim industrial centre. Of course, those who do come to Gyrorik and are prepared to look between the pockets of heavy industry and bleak high-rise housing will discover a very special city full of fascinating attractions. There is the Gyrorik War Museum, which features a massive exhibition devoted entirely to the Molvanian Riflemen’s Regiment who fought so valiantly for their country during World War II until their desertion en masse to the Nazis in 1943. On Memorial Day you’ll see as many people laying flowers on the monument as throwing fruit at it. Festivals are also a big part of city life in Gyrorik and often the streets will be filled with a long and colourful parade of people shouting and honking car horns. This is known as veerjkul (peak hour).
Gyrorik is surrounded by the picturesque Nonjdezcrip Plains. Once shunned by tourists, this area has become a popular picnic destination, especially now that radiation levels have dropped to almost below W.H.O. recommended limits.
HISTORY
The village of Gyrorik dates way back to the 3rd century when it was used by goat herders as a place to shelter during the harsh winter months. Archaeologists have found numerous artefacts from this period, one of the most famous being a clay figurine of a young shepherd boy that, when filled with water, appears to urinate freely. Scholars have identified this as perhaps the world’s oldest ceramic novelty toy.
By the 8th century, Gyrorik had developed into a bustling commercial centre with its own government, army, diseases and even language. The people were fiercely protective of their city and wary about any outside influences, so much so that in AD 900 Gyrorik announced it was declaring independence from the rest of Molvania. The people and their leaders expected a fierce battle but were surprised when the rest of the country agreed without reservation, even offering to contribute funds to help expedite the process. Shortly afterwards, the Independent Republic of Gyrorik came into existence but lasted just three years, after which time residents voted to be re-incorporated back into Molvania.