Forever My Lady
Page 13
“Rise above it, Dio. You gotta show Grossaint, you got to show them all, nothing’s going to get to you. You gotta walk away and become something when you graduate. Listen to me, success is the greatest revenge.”
Dio felt his eyes and nose sting again. He wasn’t going to cry, not this time, but he was burning up inside. He felt like punching something, anything. He slammed his fist against the doorframe.
“I swear to God, Louise. I’m going to go crazy in here.”
“You got to make it, Dio. I know. I know it’s hard. But you got to. Think about Jennifer. Just keep thinking about being with her. You want to be with her, don’t you?”
Dio sighed.
“Well, don’t you?”
“Of course. She don’t even write me no more.”
“She will, Dio. She will. You know she will. Now focus on that.” Her eyes shifted, spotting someone in the distance. “Get back before they notice.”
Dio started back. Then it occurred to him, “What happened with your date? Your soul mate?”
Her eyes met the floor. “We’ll talk about that later. Get going.”
It couldn’t be good, Dio knew, not with a reaction like that. It seemed like everyone had their share of problems. He hoped for a miracle, anything that would help him through.
If Dio thought he had it bad, it was nothing compared with what Simon was going through. Simon felt just as alone, for one thing. It seemed like all the people that were on his side before, when Dio was there, had scattered as soon as he was taken away.
Simon hadn’t been himself ever since the whole thing happened. He’d disappear for hours and come back in a daze. Even Jackson was starting to notice and had him sent to the nurse, but they couldn’t find anything wrong. The other trainees thought he must have been losing his mind. Simon would just say he was fine.
But he wasn’t fine. Something was definitely wrong. Something was eating at him, and losing his head was the one relief Simon could rely on. He felt like he was a skeleton, without flesh. He could see Grossaint’s prying eyes on him, like a dog ready to gnaw on his bone. And Grossaint didn’t waste any time, either.
“Hey, darky!” Grossaint said, bumping into Simon as he carried a pail of dirty bleach water down the hall of the main building. It slopped all over the floor.
“Dirty nigger,” he said, leaving everyone laughing at him. “Why don’t you go pick it up, Simon? Huh? Pick it up and be a good little boy for us.”
Simon’s rage built inside him. He started for Grossaint, only to fall on his ass as he slipped on the suds. They roared with laughter. Grossaint towered over him.
“Who the fuck do you think you are, coon? Your dirty wetback’s not here to help you. Shit happens, Simon. Sometimes shit happens. Now whatcha gonna do? Huh? Huh?” he screamed in Simon’s face as he kicked him in the side.
His boys each gave Simon a kick in the side as Simon gasped for air, looking at all the trainees just watching in shock, but doing nothing.
“Help,” he muttered.
He wanted to call out louder, but he couldn’t muster the strength. At the same time, he didn’t dare say anything, because God only knew what Grossaint might do that was even worse.
Dear Dio,
Thanks yeah. Had a great birthday. Sorry I’m taking so long to write. Things are really kicking in with school. I’ve got so much to catch up on but the teachers have been really nice. And Angel and my friends have been helping me with the homework and things. And before you get any thoughts in your mind, Angel’s just my friend. Just my social worker, that’s it. He’s just been really nice to me and really worked hard to get things going in my life. It’s part of his job. It’s nothing for you to be concerned about.
Anyway, I’m glad to hear you got your stripes and that you’re making progress. Won’t be long before you’re out of there, right? I bet you can’t wait. And I’m glad you’re making a lot more friends. Tell Simon and them I said HI.
Oh and speaking of friends, I’ve met some homegirls at school that I’m starting to hang out with again. My mom is acting so obnoxious though. She makes me come home by 8 o’clock like I’m in the 6th grade or something. I was just like 15 minutes late the other night y ya mero se cagaba en sus pantalones.
Anyway, guess what? I started taking jazz class again. I got my cast off last week and I’m taking it really easy, really slow but everyone thought it’d be a good idea. Except my mom of course. She’s such a worrywart. That’s all she does is chipiliar me; and it’s driving me crazy but I’m trying my best just to think positive. And like Angel says, I’ve got to think about why she’s doing it. She cares about me. I just wish she’d care about me a little bit less sometimes.
I’ve even been looking in CallBack Magazine for auditions. I might start going to them, not right away but it just gets me pumped up again. I think I can really land something Dio I really do.
I’m mostly pretty much back to myself. Sometimes I’ve been a little dizzy and I’ve been getting the flu a lot lately. I mean just throwing up and everything and it can’t be the medication cause I’m done with it. So Angel’s going to take me to the doctor’s office tomorrow morning to see what might be going on. I hope they don’t give me more medication. I can’t stand that stuff.
Oh and I almost forgot to tell you about the “romance saga” between Daniel and Desiree. Well they were all loving each other and everything. Holding hands, you know how 4th graders are. And my mom had signed them up for this little league type of thing. It’s starts in the spring and goes all through the fall. Well anyway, they’re playing softball all right. And I don’t know what happened exactly cause I was talking to Angel about something but all I know is that Desiree’s laughing at Daniel cause he’s been striking out and the next thing I know Desiree’s on the ground llorando and Daniel’s saying “It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
So somehow he says, he threw the bat back behind him when he was walking off the field and it hit her in her cara. We had to take her to the hospital and they put a few stitches on her forehead. She’s been pissed at him ever since and he’s been trying to make it up to her. She won’t let it go. Desiree will get over it though. I know her.
Mom’s practically adopted Daniel into the family. And your mom and my mom have been actually having coffee and things at the house. It’s kind of weird. I think they’re actually becoming friends. Imagine that.
Thanks for being such a good friend Dio. You’ve always been there for me and I’ll always appreciate it.
Anyway, I’m so glad things are going so great for you. You deserve it. What do you do all day?
Your Best Friend,
Jennifer
What does he do all day? Dio wanted to say, “Nothing but think about you,” because he didn’t want her to know about all the drama that had been happening. She sounded so proud of him, with all the changes he was making, and now he couldn’t bear to tell her. He knew he could tell Jennifer anything, but things were different now.
If she found out that he had gotten in trouble again, she’d think he was just the thug he was when he started this camp—but he was so much more than that. Besides, he didn’t want to bring her down. It seemed like things were going so much better for her now.
What was he going to do? Tell her how he was knocked back to the first level? Tell her how he just wanted to die? How he wondered if he’d even make it through? How awful it was to see Grossaint taking over the responsibilities he once had and enjoying every moment of it? How he wanted to crack Grossaint’s skull open?
He could never say any of those things to her, not now. Not when he was so close to winning her back. But how would he explain the delay? She was expecting him to be released in a few months. Dio didn’t know what to do, but he couldn’t spill the beans. That he knew for sure.
But Jennifer had what Dio called “woman’s intuition”; she knew things. He didn’t know how she knew things, but she could read him like a book. He just
hoped she wouldn’t pick up on anything.
Dear Jennifer,
I’m glad things are going well for you. And I’m glad you’re keeping busy. Things for me are going real good well. I’m making strides in the squad and everyone’s really liking me. Even Sr. Jackson says he’s real proud of me and if I keep working real hard then he thinks I can accomplish anything.
Dio hated lying to her, but what else was he supposed to do?
I hope that Desiree’s OK. Tell Daniel I said to watch it and keep his temper. It’s stuff like that that gets you in a place like this. I miss him Mija. And I miss you. I can’t wait to see you and I think about you every night still. I know you’re busy but don’t get too busy for me. We’re connected, that’s what Louise tells me. She thinks you and I are soul mates and so do I. We’ll always be connected.
I think about what life’s going to be like and I’ve got all these plans for us. We’re going to travel the country. Infact In fact, we’re going to travel the world Jennifer. We’re going to see places you’ve only dreamed of and you know what? I’m even going to go to college. I am. I know it’s strange to hear me say that. Isn’t it baby? But I’ve been doing real good well lately and Sr. Jackson keeps telling me to go for my dreams but have a solid foundation. Truth is I’ve always thought about college. I just didn’t think I could ever go. But they say you can get grants and things to pay for it and I’m keeping my grades up.
Life is good, but it would be better with you by my side. I love you baby. You’re my girl, you’re my everything. Remember Visitor’s Day is coming up next week so I hope you can take an hour out of your busy schedule and see me.
Love,
Your Soul Mate,
Dio
Dio thought for a while. There was something in her letter that bothered him. It wasn’t that she was spending so much time with that Angel guy; for all he knew, he was gay. It was just that she called Dio her “friend.” It just didn’t feel right. It felt condescending. It felt distant. It felt cold. It made Dio feel like he was being detached from her and he didn’t like it one bit. But he didn’t say anything. Why ruin a good thing?
Once again Dio stood in line alone as he watched the room full of visitors busy with activity. Everyone seemed so happy, but he hated it. He was embarrassed and hurt. Jennifer once again hadn’t shown up, and he was beginning to feel a burning rage at her that he never had felt before.
He let his mind trail off as he watched a trainee with what looked like his girlfriend. They looked so much in love. He could tell by the way they were touching each other’s hands. He could feel it. They kissed, then kissed again, and before long were full-out making out. One of the officers had to break it up. Dio smirked.
He missed that with Jennifer. He missed the silly things they did together and just sitting next to her and not talking. They didn’t have to talk; they could just be together and that was enough.
They’d park way east in Las Vegas, almost against the mountains—hills really. They could see the whole city. It was so quiet, so gorgeous during the day, but at night, when the moon was humongous like a giant spotlight, it was breathtaking.
They’d sit atop the hood of his Chevy, just him and Jennifer. He loved moments like that. He’d slide his hand across the hood, his hand joining hers, and they’d kiss. Her lips always tasted like cherry, his favorite flavor.
He would just watch her, as minutes passed, while the wind danced with her hair. She’d smile at him adoringly and ask why he was staring and he’d say simply, “’Cause you’re so beautiful.”
Dio smiled at the thought.
“Sorry I’m late.”
Dio turned to see his mother, of all people in the world, standing in front of him. It was like waking up from a dream, a really good dream, to find that you were still stuck in the shitty life you lived.
She looked a mess. Not a drunken mess, like usual, but the wind had messed up her hair and her makeup was all over the place. Too much blue eye shadow—that was his mom’s trademark. She kept trying to reposition her big-assed purse and she looked nervous as hell.
“Do we have any time?”
“A little,” Dio said.
“Good.” She smiled nervously. “I found out from the court you had Visitor’s Days every month. Why didn’t you tell me? Let’s sit down.”
He swallowed. He didn’t know if he should be glad to see her, to see anyone, really, or if he should feel what he felt inside, which was hard to explain—anger, but obligation. Dio had been so angry with her for so long. At the same time, he missed his mommy. He missed her smile, her laughter; he missed the way things were before his dad died.
They sat on a bench, as far apart as he could manage. It seemed that all of the noise in the room suddenly disappeared. It was just him and her.
“Still saying your prayers?” she asked.
“Yep.”
“Good. You look good,” she said, reaching for his face. But when he turned away, her smile faded from embarrassment and hurt. She cleared her throat.
“Did you get my letter?”
He nodded.
“You read it?”
He sighed. “Haven’t got to it yet.”
“Haven’t got to it? Dio, it’s been months.” She tried to work up a smile. “Your birthday’s coming up soon, isn’t it?”
“Is this going to take long?” Dio asked.
“Now, is that any way to talk to your mother? I came here to see you.”
“It’s been almost a year. Why start now? Why start caring now?”
“Now, that’s not nice. You know I care. Don’t say I don’t care, mijo.”
“Don’t call me that. Don’t call me mijo.”
She looked around to make sure no one was listening, like she always did. She regrouped for a second. “I’m in A.A. now,” she said sheepishly. “Things are different now. I’ve been sober for—”
“Again?”
“I’m going to make it this time, mi—Dio. I know it. It’s been four months. I got a job working in a office. Can you believe it? Me? A office?” She laughed, hoping he’d laugh with her, but he just stared at her instead.
“An.”
“What?”
“An office,” Dio said. “You’re working at an office.”
She laughed nervously. “Well, excuse the hell out of me. What are you, some spelling expert now? . . . So . . . you’re doing good in school, then. I’m proud of you.”
“Well. The word is well. I’m doing well in school,” he said, cool as ice.
He knew she wanted him to rejoice with her. And part of him wanted to really badly, too. He wanted to share with his mother her joy, how proud of her he was, but he couldn’t help but wonder how long it would last. After all, this wasn’t the first time she’d claimed to be sober. But it was the longest period of time she’d stayed sober. He just didn’t want to be disappointed with her again.
He wanted to put his arms around her and hug her tight. He wanted to embrace her and never let her go. He wanted to cry because he was so happy for her. He wanted to share with her all the joys and the pains and the changes he’d made inside boot camp. He’d always wanted a mother he could tell everything to, but he never had that and he just couldn’t start now. He didn’t know what it was. Was it because he couldn’t trust her? Was it because he couldn’t let all the pain she’d caused in the past go? He wanted to connect with her. He wanted to tell her everything, but something always held him back.
She tried to laugh his comments off, but he could tell they bothered her.
“Well, I’m glad you’re doing well in school then. And you’re behaving yourself?”
He rolled his eyes. “Sure.”
“Good. Good. Oh, Daniel’s doing so good, so well in school now, too.”
“I know.”
“He’s got a little girlfriend now.”
“I know.”
“What do you mean you know? How do you know?”
“Jennifer told me.”
/> She looked like she had seen a ghost. “J-j-j-jennifer? She? You still? How do you talk to her?”
“She writes me letters. She didn’t tell you?”
“No, I had no— Well, I’m glad. I’m glad you’re still friends.”
“We’re more than just friends, Mom. We’re a couple.”
She looked down at her feet. “Are you? How do you know? I mean, it’s been so long.”
“What do you mean how do I know? It could be fifty years and she’d wait for me.”
She just looked at him for a while. “Maybe . . . Jennifer’s a pretty girl, Dio—”
“I know.”
“And you’re a good-looking guy. You know that.”
“What are you saying?”
“You’re both so young. She’s got—you’ve both got lots of choices. Both of you.”
“We’ve already made our choice. Jennifer said she and I are forever. We made a promise to each other.”
She seemed to want to tell Dio something, but she couldn’t, and he couldn’t bear to think of what it might be.
“You got something to say, just say it,” he said.
She just tried to work up a smile. “You look so good now,” was all she could get out.
“I don’t want anyone else, Mom. . . . You’re just jealous.”
“Jealous?” She laughed.
“Yeah, jealous ’cause I found someone that wants me and wants me forever. I’m not going through women like you’ve gone through men.”
“Now, that’s not fair. That’s not fair, mijo. You make it sound like I’m some kind of . . . slut,” she whispered, once again making sure no one heard her. “I’m not. I haven’t always had the best taste in men, but I wasn’t always . . . well, I couldn’t always see all that in front of me with all the drinking and the partying and the—”