Forever My Lady

by Jeff Rivera

  He grabbed a full wastepaper basket brimming over with trash and was getting ready to empty it when he noticed Dio’s letter.

  “What’s this doing in the trash?” he asked himself. He had stuffed the letter in his pocket to drop off in the nearest mailbox when thump! Grossaint tripped him.

  He landed hard on his face. His nose dripped with blood. Grossaint and his boys were laughing at Simon as he rose slowly and painfully. He wiped his nose with the back of his hand. Simon glared a hole right through Grossaint. Grossaint’s smile faded.

  “What the fuck you looking at?”

  “Nothing much,” Simon answered.

  His boys snickered until Grossaint shot them a look.

  “You think you’re hot stuff now, don’t you?” He nudged Simon. “Don’t you?” and nudged him hard again.

  Simon looked like he was getting ready to tear his eyes out, but something held him back, something always held him back.

  “You’re nothing but a little bitch. That’s what you are, aren’t you? Aren’t you?”

  Grossaint whispered something into Simon’s ear that melted him. His tough stance whisked away into a puddle of mush. Fear ran through his eyes.

  “How’d you like that?” Grossaint said.

  Simon started to say something, but an officer appeared nearby and Grossaint and his boys scattered.

  Dear Dio,

  I was so pissed at you for your last letter. You act like I have to write you or something. I don’t have to do shit. I’m doing this for you, not me. Don’t act like I’m supposed to do something when I’m not.

  And don’t threaten me either. You want to break it off? You do what you need to do. I’d like to see you find some other girl that will put up with your bullshit. I’ve been waiting for you for almost a year. You think it’s easy on me? It’s not easy on me to be alone either Dio. Es duro. You think it’s easy for me to tell people that my boyfriend’s in prison? It’s embarrassing. So most of the time I just act like I’m single and not interested.

  And don’t think I haven’t been tempted. My cousin’s always trying to hook me up. There are a lot of fine-looking men out here Dio, and they’re good men too not into all that bullshit you were into before. They’ve got real jobs and some are even going to school, some are even getting degrees and shit. So don’t piss me off or maybe I’ll take them up on one of their offers.

  I’ve been going through a lot lately and I’ve been busy with school, and with dance class and with my family shit and with taking care of your hermanito. So much is going on.

  Don’t be so needy all the time. You’re turning me off. I’m just being honest. I hate when people act like they need me all the time. I can’t be there for everyone. I need some alone time too. You know?

  And I’m sorry it’s taking so long for me to write but if you had any clue what was going on up here you wouldn’t even question it. Just give me some time to think about things OK? I’m not trying to be mean or rude or anything. It’s just you don’t understand sometimes how hard it is for me too.

  And I don’t appreciate you calling me selfish cause I’m anything but that. I really don’t like that.

  You don’t need me to be happy Dio. You just think you do and you’re putting too much weight on my shoulders. I can’t answer every single one of your damn letters right away. Who says I have to anyway? I just don’t need that kind of drama in my life anymore just like Angel my friends tell me, “I don’t need that kind of stuff in my life.”

  Don’t think I don’t care about you Dio, because I do. You just got me on a bad day, a bad month really. Just give me some time to think about things and I’ll get back to you whenever I can. OK.

  Talk to you later.

  Jennifer

  Dio knew he’d really pissed her off. In fact he’d never heard her so angry before. It felt good that he even got a letter from her, but, of course, it wasn’t the letter he was hoping for. Suddenly he felt sick to his stomach. He felt like he was losing her and he couldn’t bear to think it. He had to act fast and he had to act smart.

  Dear Jennifer,

  Baby I’m sorry I said all that shit and I’m sorry you’re going through all that shit. You know you can talk to me about things. I know it’s hard for you to write back and forth. You know I’d be there for you in a second if I could but I’m stuck here. I want to be next to you so bad. Please don’t talk about other vatos with me. I hate that shit. You know I’m the only one for you.

  No matter what siempre. Remember? You’ll see I’m going to be out of here sooner than you know it. I only have like a few months left. I know you may think that’s un chingo de tiempo, but it’s going to go quick. You’ll see.

  You don’t know how bad I want to lay next to you, holding you tight. I want you in my arms and I want to kiss you so bad. I miss you baby.

  I’m sticking things out here as long as I can. I know it’s not easy for you but do whatever you can and please make it for our next Visitor’s Day.

  Hey, what’d you end up doing for Cinco de Mayo? Seeing as I’m pretty much the only Mexican here except for Simon who’s not even all Mexican. I just imagined what it’d be like. And I took un trago de agua and pretended it was a Corona and me and you were at the Fiesta or Spooky’s house celebrating. And my arm was around you and we was were chillin’ on the couch together. Just me and you, all these people around but we’re in a world of our own. Just like old times.

  And tell your cousin to go fuck off next time she tries to hook you up with somebody else. I’m worth the wait, you’ll see. And things are going to be so much better when I get out. I promise. I know it’s hard. It’s hard for me too.

  I know I’m going to get out of here soon and me and you are going to be together again. I want nothing more than that and I’m not doing nothing to jeopardize it. Know what I’m saying? You’re too important to me and I hope you never change. Cause you’re perfect just the way you are. And I miss you. And I want to be near you so bad.

  I love you so much. I gotta get some sleep. I’m exhausted. Talk to you later mija.

  Love,

  Dio

  It was the Fourth of July and the officers had let some of the trainees go outside to watch the fireworks. One of the good things about being so far from Vegas was that they could see all the fireworks pretty well. Dio’s eyes lit up. He was like a kid again. He wondered what Jennifer was doing. He wondered if she was spending time with her family, her friends, or someone else.

  Last year they had spent the Fourth of July together. So much had changed since then, so much had happened. If he had known that it was going to be the last Fourth of July together with Jennifer for a while, he would have treasured it more. But how could he have known?

  He imagined spending that evening with her. He forgot about all the barbed wire and the other trainees. He forgot about the officers screaming and yelling and all the rules. It was just Dio, Jennifer, the sky, and the fireworks. And nothing was more magical than that.

  All the flashes of red and blue brought Dio back to that night, that awful night when everything had changed between Jennifer and him. They had been driving away from Las Vegas forever. It was pouring down rain as the sky emptied its rage on the lonely, bumpy, pothole-filled road leading toward the L.A. highway.

  He looked over at Jennifer, who was staring out the window, lost in her thoughts.

  “They’ll never talk to me again, you know. I thought I was home free, but as I was sneaking out the door tonight, my mom told me I leave now, then I’m leaving for good.”

  “I know,” Dio said, reaching for her hand. “It’s going to all work out. We get to L.A., then all our dreams will come true. You’ll be near Hollywood and nobody knows me out there so I can start fresh. You’ll see. We’re almost at the state line; nothing can stop us now.”

  Pop! Tss! The car swung sharply to the left and Dio realized they had a flat tire. “Shit!” He pulled over, slipping and sliding on the wet road. He banged the steering wheel.
Just when things were going fine . . .

  They both got out of the car and looked at the tire.

  “Damned potholes.”

  The rain drenched them like wet dogs. Jennifer helped him with the tire. She wasn’t about to sit in the car alone, and besides, Jennifer could fix a car faster than any guy he knew.

  “This bad,” Jennifer said. “Real bad. Wiggie doesn’t let anyone get away with nothing.”

  “We’ll be fine. Promise. No matter what, siempre. Okay?”

  She nodded. He lifted her chin again. “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

  She couldn’t help but smile. “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

  “No matter what, siempre,” he said with a twinkle in his eyes.

  “Siempre,” she answered. Her eyes lit up as she saw a car’s headlights off in the distance. “Look,” she said, as she started waving them down.

  “They’re not going to help us.”

  “Why not?”

  “’Cause we’re two Mexicans, that’s why.”

  “Don’t be so negative. Of course they will.”

  She stood out in the middle of the street waving her arms about. Dio shook his head, then something bothered him. The approaching car’s headlighs dimmed and the car began to accelerate.

  Dio could still remember the look of fright in Jennifer’s eyes as she realized Acne and Dirty Blond were pointing guns at them.

  He dove toward her to get her out of the way, but it was too late.

  The officers called everyone inside after they had been out there watching the fireworks for at least a half hour. Dio was making his way back when he passed by a big trash bin. He noticed something moving near it and headed over to it. It was some trainee, digging through the garbage. Dio’s eyes squinted.

  “They want us to be—”

  The trainee turned around, wide-eyed and alert. It was Simon, who looked more like a raccoon than anything. Simon dropped a can of air freshener and stared at him glassy-eyed.

  “Hey . . . hey, Dio. Good . . . good to see you, man.”

  “What are you doing?”

  But Simon didn’t need to answer. Dio knew exactly what he’d been up to. He’d known too many of his homies who did the same thing. He’d been guilty of trying it a few times himself.

  “You know that stuff can fuck you up,” Dio said.

  “No . . . I wasn’t . . . I was just looking for something.”

  “You think I’m stupid or something? You don’t need to lie to me, man.”

  Simon grabbed Dio by the collar. “You won’t tell, will you?”

  Dio shoved him off. “Course not. What’s up with you? How much of that did you do?”

  “I . . . I don’t know.” Simon giggled like he was from some other planet. “Can’t say that I know. Enough.” He giggled again.

  “Man, they catch you doing that shit and—”

  “I know, but you won’t say anything, right?”

  “I told you I wouldn’t. But, man, you only have a few months to go. Why fuck it up?”

  Simon thought for a while. “I miss you, man.”

  “Same here,” Dio said.

  “Not the same without you. It’s . . .”

  Simon started laughing, then crying, then laughing again to cover up the crying, and then he couldn’t hold it anymore. He was completely sobbing.

  He covered his face with his arm and dropped to his knees. Dio didn’t know what to do.

  “Move over here,” Dio instructed, watching for any spectators. Simon obeyed, moving out of sight. He put his hand on Simon’s shoulder.

  “It’s all right, man. You’re all right,” Dio said.

  Simon tried to suck up his tears.

  “That’s easy for you to say. You got a girl, you got a brother, you got homies. I don’t have anybody.”

  “Of course you do. You got your mom, eh?”

  “No, I don’t. She don’t want me.”

  “Well, you got your dad—”

  “He don’t want me either. Told my mom I wanted to stay with her when I get out and she said no. Told my dad, and he said . . .”

  Simon shook his head and started sobbing again. Dio grabbed the air freshener can from him and threw it into the trash.

  “You gotta stop this shit, Simon. You’re going to throw your whole life away, perro.”

  Simon nodded through his sobs. “That’s why I’m here, you know. Cocaine, pot, whatever I could get my hands on. My parents got so fed up . . . they turned me in.”

  Dio sat down next to him. “Kind of was a good thing, wasn’t it? Maybe if you can get your head on straight— after all, as Jackson says, ‘There are no excuses in life.’ I think it’s true.”

  “This is my the second time here, Dio. Second time and my parents about gave up on me. That’s why I was crying those first nights when you came, ’cause I don’t want to go through it again.”

  What? Dio thought.

  “You talk about all my money like it’s a joke. I’d trade it all if I had what you had,” Simon added. “Least your mom wants you. She may not be perfect, but at least . . . just do me favor, ’kay, Dio? When you get out, tell your lady I said, ‘‘S up,’ a’ight?”

  “What?”

  “Sometimes . . . I just want to end it all.”

  “Whatchew talkin’ about, foo’?”

  “It was me, Dio. It was me,” Simon said.

  “What was you?”

  “It wasn’t Grossaint.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “It was my fault you got knocked back.”

  “Chale, homes, that wasn’t your fault. You saw that—”

  “No, I . . .”

  He was having trouble getting out the words and Dio was getting irritated. Why wouldn’t he just spit it out?

  “I . . . see, I wanted to get out so bad. I can’t take this place no more. I couldn’t then, but now I really can’t. I’ve got to get . . .”

  Dio realized what he was trying to say.

  “You did that? You made that hole in the wall all by yourself?”

  Simon nodded. Dio felt uneasy inside. If it had been six months ago, he probably would have kicked Simon’s ass for what he had done, but things had changed since he’d been in the camp. He thought about things before he did them now. He stopped and thought about the other person’s point of view, and though it burned him up inside at first, he soon found that the anger was cooling off, and it was replaced by compassion and sympathy for Simon.

  “You ever been someplace so locked up inside you don’t know what to do? You want to go, but you can’t get out. You go crazy inside, Dio. You go crazy.”

  Dio thought about all those years being locked in the toy box whenever he was “bad.” He remembered all those feelings, calling for someone, anyone to get him out. His tears were for no one but himself because they never did him any good.

  “Whenever I could get away, just a few minutes at a time, I’d pull out more and more ’til the hole was big enough,” Simon continued. “I just . . .”

  “What?”

  Dio socked him in the arm. The more Simon talked, the more the façade was fading away. The more the real Simon was coming out.

  “Chale, homes. You and me, when we get out, you can crash at my pad with me and Jennifer. We’re going to get jobs and go to college and . . . and every weekend, you and me and all my homies, we’re going to drink Coronas . . .”

  Simon cracked a smile. “And chill with all the jainas.”

  Dio laughed. “Simón, ése. And play fuckin’ oldies.”

  Dio put his arm around Simon. “We’re homies for life, perro. Homies por vida. Don’t let those punks . . . just . . . ignore . . .”

  Simon nodded. “Yeah, dawg. They hit me, I got to hit ’em worse, right?”

  Dio thought for a while. It was almost an immediate reaction for him to say “yeah,” but he couldn’t do it. He saw Simon all jazzed up. He had his thug façade back on. Simon had finally become the man Dio had wanted him
to be at the beginning, but now as he looked at him, it just didn’t fit him. It didn’t fit the person he knew Simon was inside.

  “Right, dawg?” Simon insisted.

  Dio turned away and stared off into the distance.

  “Yeah, sure.”

  Dear Dio,

  This is hard for me to say. But I need to do it. The reason I’ve been in such a bad mood lately and that I haven’t been feeling well or getting right back to you is because I found out something from the doctor a couple of months ago. And I didn’t know how to tell you cause I didn’t want to believe it was true and then I didn’t know quite what to do about it.

  But I’ve made a decision and I’ve got to tell you the reason why I’ve been acting the way I have is because well, I’m pregnant. And it’s your baby.

  I don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl. It’s too soon to tell. It’s just weird cause I never thought something like this would happen to me. I’ve always been so careful. I’ve always taken precautions. It’s just weird. I just don’t want to be some unwed mother. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. I was getting my life together and things have been going so well. I mean I’m graduating this year and I just got a callback for a new show on the strip. And I have friends now and everything. And I just never thought something like this would happen. No se que hacer.

  It’s just a trip knowing something’s growing inside of me and it’s got a heart beat and everything and it’s so alive. It’s so wonderful but it’s so scary. I spent the first few weeks just crying about it. It seems like every time something big and good’s about to happen something comes along to fuck it up. You know? And I wonder sometimes if I’m destined to fail, to be some kind of poor woman that lives in some shitty apartment downtown or something. I just don’t want to be that vieja riding on the bus carrying all these chamaquillos with her with no father.

  Now what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to ever make it big now? I think I’m going to get this job I have a callback for but what’s going to happen when they find out I’m pregnant?

  I’ve even thought about an abortion. But I can’t do that. It’s too real for me and my mom and dad they’d never forgive me for any of it. Besides you know being Catholic and all.