“Go on,” he whispered.
“What else is there to say?” she asked. “I loved him, Herman. And Matthew broke my heart. Is that what you want to hear? Do you blame me for that? Do you believe I should have known what kind of man he was? And if you do, then maybe you’d be right on all those points. But I didn’t know, Herman. I loved Matthew. Is that a sin?”
“Now, now,” he mumbled, pulling her into his arms.
She sobbed against his shoulder. “I love you, Herman. I want to be the best wife you could ever dream of.”
“I know,” he whispered into her hair. “But I still have to ask this, Susanna. Were you inappropriate with Matthew at any time?”
She sat up trembling. “Is that what Deacon Atlee wants to talk about? Do you think Matthew said something like that? It’s not true, Herman! Believe me.”
“I do believe you.” He pulled her close again.
Fourteen
Herman was sitting on the couch wrapped up in a quilt. Beside him was a fresh cup of hot chocolate. Susanna pulled on her coat and reached down for her boots. “Will you be okay for a while?”
He gave her a weak smile. “The way I’ve been mothered all day, I ought to be better by now.”
“You deserve it!” she said, sneaking over in her stocking feet to kiss his cheek.
His smiled broadened, and he wrapped himself tighter in the quilt.
“Don’t forget the calves need straw for their bedding tonight.”
“Straw and no feed.” She repeated his earlier instructions as she pulled her boots on. She walked to the door, opened it, and stepped outside. Closing the door behind her, she ran across the lawn. The snow was gone, melted by the noontime temperature, but a chill had returned. The skies looked clear, so it would get cold tonight. Winter was indeed coming early to the Iowa plains. Deacon Atlee would also be coming soon. That was why she was doing the chores a little early. The horses wouldn’t mind, Herman had said, and the calves only needed bedding. Herman was being so understanding about everything, and her heart no longer pounded at the thought of the deacon’s visit. Whatever concern he had, Herman would stand right beside her. He believed in her. Rushing through the chores, she fed the horses hay. Then she found a bale of straw lying inside the back barn door. Lugging it outside, she shooed the calves away from their bedding area and spread the fresh straw.
“There you are,” she told them. “All ready for the cold night. No snow this time, I hope.”
Looking toward the tree line across the fields, Susanna shuddered. Herman must have been totally heartbroken to have wandered around in there for hours. And in the snow and cold. It was a wonder he hadn’t contracted pneumonia. How the man must love her. It made a person feel warm down to the toes, even with the cool evening wind blowing against her.
A chill ran through her moments later when she heard horse hooves pounding the pavement. Moving through the barn, she closed the door tightly behind her. She ran across the yard. This might not be Deacon Atlee coming, but if it was, she would rather be inside the house with Herman when he arrived.
“I think he’s coming,” she said in response to Herman’s startled look as she rushed in.
He half rose from the couch and then settled down again. “At least take this quilt off me.”
“No, you have to stay warm.”
“I look like a frog on his lily pad.”
Susanna laughed. “Maybe, but I don’t care.”
“I’m at least putting it across my lap.” He pulled the quilt off his shoulders.
“It’s him,” Susanna said, peeking around the drapes.
“Come and sit down then,” Herman ordered, his voice still weak.
She sat beside him.
“You’ll have to answer the door,” Herman said with a chuckle.
Susanna bounced up again. They were both nervous, Susanna figured, and that would excuse their silly actions. If she passed out in a dead faint once Deacon Atlee came inside, she wasn’t to blame for that either. Not in all her growing-up years had the deacon come calling for her. For her brothers, yah, but she had always behaved herself.
She waited until there was a knock on the door before opening it with a smile. “Gut evening.”
“Gut evening,” he said. “Is it okay to come in?”
“Yah. Herman is on the couch in the living room.” She motioned with her hand.
“Gut evening,” Deacon Atlee repeated to Herman when he stepped inside. “I hope I’m not disturbing you.”
Nothing but our lives, Susanna almost said, but she sealed her lips. That would be no way to begin the evening.
Herman was motioning toward her while Deacon Atlee was taking off his coat. She was to take the coat, of course. Susanna gathered herself together. She must play the hostess now that she had her own home. That was something new, but it was high time she learned.
“May I take your coat?” Susanna offered.
“Thanks.” Deacon Atlee handed it to her.
“Please take the rocker beside Herman,” she told him before leaving for the bedroom with his coat. Herman looked pleased as she went by. He must think she was doing okay with her new hosting duties.
“Awfully cold winter we’re having,” Deacon Atlee said when she came back.
“Yah,” Herman agreed.
“Heard you got caught out in it.” Deacon Atlee chuckled.
Herman joined in the laughter. “We young people do foolish things sometimes.”
“I guess so,” Deacon Atlee allowed. “Which brings me to what I came for. I hope this conversation will not overtax you, but it seemed gut to Bishop Jacob and me that this matter be addressed at once. I was troubled in my mind when I first heard, but Bishop Jacob was truly concerned. As you know, he has a high estimation of the two of you. His heart couldn’t rest until this matter was dealt with.”
“And what might this matter be?” Herman asked.
Deacon Atlee cleared his throat. “I didn’t wish to bring up this delicate matter with Susanna this morning. Not without either you or my frau present.” He paused, as if clearing his mind. “I suppose you know that Matthew Yoder was in the community over Thanksgiving.”
“Yah,” Herman said. “He was at Susanna’s sister’s place—at Ernest and Mary’s house. We celebrated Thanksgiving there.”
Deacon Atlee’s eyebrows went up a little. “I hope all the proper rules of the ordnung were followed. Matthew is in the bann.”
Like any of them could forget that, Susanna thought, but she pressed her lips together and stayed silent.
“We did,” Herman answered. “Matthew ate in the kitchen with the children, but we were respectful to him as Christian people should be.”
“Then you are to be commended,” Deacon Atlee said. “These family situations can get sticky, and rules are easy to overlook around the holidays. Especially when dealing with someone who is in the bann.”
“I’m glad none of my family is in the bann,” Herman offered. “And Susanna’s family is involved only through marriage.”
“I’m glad too,” Deacon Atlee agreed, giving Herman a sideways glance.
Herman was gut at this, Susanna thought. It was good of him to remind Deacon Atlee they were both from families who had a long tradition of upholding the church ordnung. This wasn’t an idle point when considering whatever the deacon and bishop had against her.
“Did Susanna have any contact with Matthew?” Deacon Atlee asked.
Susanna nodded.
Herman spoke up. “I was there all day at Thanksgiving, and they didn’t say more than gut morning to each other,” Herman said. “Which I think is perfectly in order. They did know each other quite well for a long time.”
“Yah, I guess you could say so,” Deacon Atlee allowed. “But I’m glad to hear that everything was done properly.”
“So what is the problem with Matthew?” Herman asked. “Were you and the bishop concerned that Susanna conducted herself inappropriately with him over Thanksgiving?”
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“Nee,” Deacon Atlee said. “I didn’t know about Thanksgiving.”
“I see.” Herman fell silent.
Susanna almost smiled. Herman knew Deacon Atlee hadn’t known about the Thanksgiving gathering, and he probably brought it up to show that he was aware of Matthew and Susan’s previous involvement. It had clearly thrown the deacon off his stride.
Herman was now looking quite innocent as he pulled the quilt tighter around himself.
Deacon Atlee noticed the movement and shifted in his rocker. “I don’t wish to keep the two of you longer than necessary, but I do need to clear this matter.”
“Yah,” Herman said, as if he were in perfect agreement. “But I’m still not sure what ‘this matter’ is.”
“Well…” The deacon let out a breath. “Matthew came to speak with Bishop Jacob that evening—on Thanksgiving. Matthew was seeking to clear himself of things in his past. Confessions of a private nature occurred. Feelings of bitterness he had harbored, words they had spoken harshly to each other. Each apologized to the other, and much was accomplished toward better Christian feelings between the two of them.”
“Is Matthew coming back to the community?” Herman asked.
“I wish I could report that,” Deacon Atlee said, “but I cannot. The progress they made in repairing relationships didn’t reach to the level of the church. I doubt Matthew is willing to make the necessary changes to return.”
“I agree,” Herman nodded soberly.
Susanna would have smiled at Herman’s tactics if her heart hadn’t been sinking so fast. They were getting close to the real reason Deacon Atlee was here, and she didn’t like the direction of this conversation.
“Matthew also shared with Bishop Jacob about the close relationship he used to have with your frau, with Susanna,” Deacon Atlee said. “Which we can understand, of course, since they were near marriage from what Matthew said. Is that true, Susanna?”
Susanna swallowed the lump in her throat. “Yah, we had plans.”
“But that was well known.” Herman spoke up, obviously protesting the content of the conversation.
He might as well not, Susanna figured. Deacon Atlee was going to carry on and ask his questions.
“We didn’t have an inappropriate relationship,” she said, not looking at Deacon Atlee. “I’m sorry if Matthew told Bishop Jacob something untrue.”
“Matthew didn’t say you did anything wrong,” Deacon Atlee said. “But the bishop and I wanted to make sure. We hoped with all our hearts there was no basis for that kind of allegation.”
Susanna felt her face turning red. Never had she spoken about such an intimate subject except with Matthew and Herman, but she might as well get this over with. “I was once in love with Matthew. This I admit to you, and I have told Herman all about it. But Da Hah has changed my heart and kept me from following Matthew into the world. During our time together, we did the things couples do who are in love, I suppose. We held each other, kissed each other, but we were never inappropriate. Neither Matthew nor I wished for such a thing.”
“I’m glad to hear this,” Deacon Atlee said. “Bishop Jacob feared the worst after his conversation with Matthew. Sometimes things are said that one doesn’t know quite how to take. Bishop Jacob was afraid Matthew was holding back a full confession because of his regard for you. I hope you understand and forgive us for feeling the need to check with you.”
“It’s okay,” Susanna whispered, her face still burning. She would be blushing every Sunday for years now, knowing Deacon Atlee had heard her talk about such things. But it was better this way. She had to clear her name, and she also needed to affirm Herman’s. He didn’t need any accusation hanging over him that his frau had been inappropriate before he married her.
“How do you feel about this matter?” Deacon Atlee asked Herman.
“Susanna has been completely open with me on this matter, as well as on others,” Herman said. “She has told me about her relationship with Matthew in enough detail to satisfy me, and I have no reason to doubt her.”
Susanna could have kissed and hugged him right in front of Deacon Atlee, but that would definitely not help matters.
“Well, Herman, I hope you’ll be better soon.” Deacon Atlee rose. “And I hope I haven’t caused you grief. I know my heart is much lighter, and so will Bishop Jacob’s be when I talk to him tonight.”
Susanna scurried to the bedroom while Deacon Atlee shook Herman’s hand. When she returned, she held his coat for him. “Thank you for coming. I’m glad this matter is over with.”
The deacon smiled and pulled the coat over his shoulders. “I wish nothing but the best for both of you. May Da Hah give you His highest blessings.” He left, closing the door behind him.
Susanna waited until his buggy was halfway out the lane before she climbed into Herman’s lap. In relief she sobbed into his shoulder. He wrapped the quilt tightly around both of them.
Fifteen
Early on Monday morning Susanna had her first load of wash on the line, snapping the last piece on with a flourish. She rubbed her hands together, blowing on them for warmth. The snow from last week was gone, but there was still a nip in the air. Clearly winter was setting in early, and Christmas would be here before long.
Herman was recovering slowly. He had insisted on getting up for the chores this morning. She had persuaded him otherwise, convincing him also not to attend church services yesterday. There was no sense in spreading around whatever he had if it was contagious.
“Not everyone wanders around in the woods most of the night in a snowstorm,” he’d muttered.
“That just weakened your body’s defenses,” she’d told him. “You still caught something, and you don’t want it passed on.” That had been enough to convince him, and Susanna had figured that secretly Herman had been grateful to stay home, though he would have been the last one to admit it. Likely a trait he picked up from his stubborn family. His mamm probably took her children to the services even if they were burning up with fever. Susan took a deep breath. She really needed to calm herself. Herman’s mamm, Iva, was coming over this morning. The way the woman had huffed and puffed yesterday when Herman wasn’t in church was enough to chill a body to the bone. Clearly she thought Susanna didn’t measure up to her idea of a gut frau—either by not forcing Herman to come or by leaving her husband at home sick while she went to church.
Susanna had attended only at Herman’s insistence. She could have told Iva that, but she hadn’t. What was the use? The information wouldn’t have penetrated all the theatrics. Susanna would have desired nothing more than to sit on the couch at home beside Herman all morning, seeing that he stayed warm and keeping his hot chocolate cup filled.
Susanna smiled. Herman was addicted to her hot chocolate. He had sputtered a protest about it last night, sounding a little like his mother. “You’re going to spoil me completely. I won’t even want to work in the fields after all this mothering.”
Susanna picked up the clothes hamper. Her smile lingered. Herman was also becoming addicted to her, and that was quite a gut feeling. Da Hah was answering her prayer. Yah, in strange ways, but it was being answered. She was finding a deepening and ever-growing love in her heart for Herman. And the man was so nice to her. He couldn’t be any better if he tried. Missing Christmas with her family was a small price to pay for such a wunderbah husband.
Halfway back to the basement, Susanna paused. She heard buggy wheels clattering into the driveway. She turned and saw Herman’s mamm, all wrapped up in a buggy blanket even though it wasn’t that cold. Her bonnet strings were tied so tight that her chin bulged. My, the woman was out early. Susanna thanked Da Hah that she had at least one load of wash on the line. One less reason for Iva to think poorly of her. But there would be something else, no doubt about that.
Susanna went forward to greet Iva. She was Herman’s mamm and must be made to feel welcome.
“Gut morning!” Susanna sang out.
“Gut morning,�
�� Iva replied. “How’s Herman doing?”
Susanna grabbed the horse’s halter as Iva climbed out of the buggy. “Some better. He wanted to chore this morning, but I thought he ought to stay in the house for the day yet. If he overdoes himself, he might have a setback.”
“Humph,” Iva said. “Herman wasn’t raised like that. We only let the children stay in bed if they had over a hundred degree temperature. Even then we didn’t make things too comfortable for them. Gives them ideas about ease and pleasure—things Da Hah doesn’t intend for mankind to enjoy. Otherwise he wouldn’t have thrown Adam and Eve out of the garden.”
Susanna blinked. Iva had never spouted this freely about her views before. Maybe she’d been saving it for when they were finally alone together.
“I suppose you know how to unhitch a horse,” Iva said. “I want to see how Herman’s doing.”
“Yah,” Susanna managed, speaking to Iva’s retreating back.
The front door opened and Iva disappeared inside, slamming the door shut.
“Well!” Susanna bit her tongue. The woman was a storm cloud—perhaps a hurricane. Patting the horse on the neck, Susanna led him closer to the hitching post before taking him out of the shafts. Apparently Iva planned on staying a while if she wanted her horse unhitched. A long visit meant a long trial. Well, so be it. More time to get to know her and perhaps even come to love her. Already she was learning to deeply love Herman, so maybe she could come to love Iva too. She hadn’t thought her Christmas wish might include learning to love Herman’s mamm.
A shiver ran through her. Iva probably never approved Herman’s choice of a frau. This would explain the underlying coldness in her smiles. Susanna had always written that off to not knowing Iva that well. And with her heart still hurting over Matthew, it wasn’t like she’d had a lot of time to think about Herman’s parents and how they felt about her. Herman had been enough to think about.
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