by Dez Burke
Not knowing what else to do I excused myself and started to leave.
“Wait!”
I stopped and turned to look at him.
“Do you think we could hang out again?”
I felt a broad grin spread across my face and thought about how silly I must’ve looked.
“I’d like that,” I told him. “I’m having a barbeque on Saturday if you’d like to come. It’s going to be at my parent’s house. Do you know where it is?”
He shook his head.
I quickly wrote down directions and handed it to him. Alex studied the address for a moment before shoving it into his pocket. I was about to leave when he slowly approached me. Timidly, he pulled me into an embrace. I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed him tight. I rested my head against his strong chest and allowed him to hold me for a few minutes. I stayed still in his arms until he pulled away.
“Sorry,” he said, quickly turning away, embarrassed.
“Its okay, Alex,” I said, touching his shoulder. “I don’t mind.”
He turned around and looked at me for a moment. He gave me a bittersweet smile.
“Thank you.” he said.
Chapter 5: Alex
After Jasalyn left I sank down onto the sofa, feeling like a fool. She was only trying to be nice to me and it seemed I’m was freaking out and doing something weird every five seconds. I put my head in my hands and rubbed my face, trying to wipe away how crazy I felt. We’d been warned how difficult it could be adjusting to civilian life, but I didn’t realize it was going to be this bad.
Jasalyn was my best friend’s little sister. Now that I thought about it, Riley probably put her up to checking on me. I sighed and leaned back into the sofa. When I closed my eyes I could still see Jasalyn’s beautiful face smiling at me. Her body had felt so warm and alive against mine. I wanted to hold her in my arms forever.
I wondered if she had a boyfriend. A woman that beautiful and kind wasn’t one to stay single for long.
***
The afternoon of the barbeque I showered and shaved, trying to make myself look normal, or at least more normal than I felt. I dressed in civilian clothes, even though they still felt like they belonged to someone else. I looked at myself in the mirror and frowned. Even in civilian clothes I had the tough, hardened look of a soldier. The enemy could spot me from a mile away.
I sat behind the wheel of my Ford truck for nearly twenty minutes before I started the engine. It had been so long since I’d been in what was once my second home. I studied the dashboard and went through the glove box. There was still a box of condoms from my wilder days. I smiled as I remembered how the boys and I would tell just about any lie to get a girl into our bed. A part of me thought I should miss those days, but I didn’t. I wanted more from life than to slide my cock into a different woman every weekend. I wanted a wife, a decent woman, with values. I wanted a normal life where the enemy wasn’t everywhere, but I knew that wasn’t for me. A soldier always sees enemies.
I had the directions to Jasalyn’s barbeque memorized. As I drove across town I took in the once familiar sites. So much had changed, but to be fair I knew I had too. My favorite park had become a shopping mall, and the high school I had attended was now abandoned. They had moved the school to a bigger building to fit in the growing number of students.
I pulled my truck up along side the curb and killed the engine. For a moment, I studied all the people that filled the large yard, accessing their risk factors. I spotted Riley sitting with a large group of people who looked like him, cousins maybe.
There was a woman I recognized from a photo that he carried everywhere with him. Tina, his fiancee. They would be having their ceremony soon from what Riley had told me on the plane. I felt a bittersweet smile spread across my face. I wanted him to be happy, but jealousy ate at my gut. It must have been nice to come home to a beautiful woman who loved you. A woman whose arms you could sink into, and bury your face into her loving breasts and forget about the horrors you had lived through.
I spotted Jasalyn and grinned. She had already noticed me and was heading my way. I rolled the window up and stepped out. There was no turning back now. I was stuck at the barbeque for better or worse. I resigned myself to my fate, hoping that I could hide in the corner unnoticed. Large crowds made me uncomfortable
“Hi,” I said, shoving my hands into my pockets.
“I was afraid you’d changed your mind.” Jasalyn slid her hand around my arm and led me into the mass of people.
I looked straight ahead not wanting to make eye contact with any of the civilians. Jasalyn’s hand on my arm felt natural and comforting. For a moment I wondered how it would feel if I had come home to her? Would she have thrown her arms around me at the airport and kissed me passionately while tears of joy streamed down her beautiful face?
She led me over to where Riley and the others were. Riley and I nodded in greeting, while Jasalyn disappeared.
“I think my sister is sweet on you,” Riley laughed.
“Nah, I think you just put her up to it,” I chuckled, gladly accepting the beer that had been put into my hand.
I popped the top and took a long swallow. It tasted bitter, but it soothed my nerves. Maybe I would get through this social event if I drank enough.
“She hasn’t shut up about you for the last three days,” Riley said, wrapping his arm around Tina’s waist.
I shook my head in reply and thankfully Riley let it go. The group’s conversation picked back up and I faded away gratefully into the background. A few moments later Jasalyn appeared back at my side carrying two plates of ribs and potato salad. I’ve never been a big fan of potato salad, but I ate it anyway. I was glad for the excuse not to talk. Even after we finished eating Jasalyn lingered. I could hear music playing somewhere in the distance. It was vaguely familiar and my foot tapped along with the beat. The next song was a slower one, and I felt Jasalyn tugging on my arm.
She grinned at me. “Let’s dance.”
I shook my head. “No way! I’m horrible at dancing. You’d be embarrassed to be seen with me.”
“It’s a slow dance so you can’t mess it up!” she pleaded. “Come on, please.”
I looked into her warm dark eyes and couldn’t tell her no. “You’re going to regret it,” I said, laughing as I allowed her to lead me onto the dance floor.
She wrapped my arms around her waist and rested her hands on my shoulders. Jasalyn stood only a few inches shorter than me making it too easy to maintain eye contact. I could lose myself in those deep chocolate eyes.
When the music stopped I didn’t want to let go of her. I let my arms fall to my sides and she brushed her lips against mine. It wasn’t exactly what I would have called a kiss. I wasn’t quite sure what to call it, but it was an intimate gesture of some sort.
A loud noise popped from behind me and instinct took over. I threw Jasalyn to the ground and protected her with my body.
Chapter Six: Jasalyn
Knocked to the ground and gasping for air, I wasn’t sure what was happening. One minute I heard a car backfire, and the next thing I knew Alex was tackling me to the ground. I could hear my father’s angry voice, and Riley telling everyone to back the hell off, but all I could do was lie still under Alex and gasp for breath.
“Man, its okay. It was only a car backfiring,” Riley said quietly.
Alex looked at me for a moment and then stood up. I waited for him to help me up, but his extended hand never came. He looked around for a second like a deer caught in headlights and fled. I scrambled to my feet and tried to follow after him.
“Damn it, Jasa! Get back here!” I heard my father swear as I darted out of the yard.
I panted hard as I ran after Alex. Running had never been my thing. In high-school, I hated gym class. If something gets me out of breath it should feel good, like a toe-curling orgasm or laughing until I cry. After only a few blocks, I had to stop and catch my breath. I tried to keep him in sight, but failed.
Tears were threatening to fall. I knew it wasn’t the time to cry, but I couldn’t help myself. My side was aching and I knew I had no chance of keeping up with Alex on foot. I walked back to the barbeque and got into my car, kicking myself for not doing so in the first place.
Chapter 7: Alex
I ran until I found a park. I sat down on top of one of the picnic tables and tried to focus on reality. I had heard it said before that reality is a fleeting thing, but never before had I known it to be such a powerful truism. The crack of that damn car backfiring sounded just like a gun going off. My mind transported me back to my first time in combat. It was a beautiful day, or at least as beautiful as a desert can be when we heard the shot in the distance. In an instance guns were being fired from both sides and a hell storm of bullets surrounded me.
But this wasn’t Iraq. And it wasn’t a gun.
I rested my head in my hands, feeling like a moron. Was Jasalyn okay? I had shoved her to the ground pretty hard. She probably thought I was a psycho. Any sane person would.
“You should run in the next marathon.” Jasalyn’s voice reached my mind from some distance place.
I glanced up. She looked winded, but no worse for wear. I was amazed to see she was still smiling as if nothing had happened. She sat on the other end of the table, keeping distance between us. I couldn’t blame her for not wanting to be too close to me. I was a danger to everyone at this point.
“You okay?” she asked.
“I’m so sorry.” I wasn’t sure what else to say.
“You don’t have to be,” she replied, moving a little closer.
“Yes, I do!” I retorted, “I could have hurt you!”
She shrugged. “Yeah, but you didn’t.”
“But I could have!” I said again.
“A lot of things could have happened, but they didn’t. You can’t go through life focusing on the bad things that might happen to you. That’s not living, Alex! You have to take life as it comes. I’m not angry at you. You acted out of instinct, and I appreciate the fact you wanted to protect me.”
“But there was nothing to protect you from!” I yelled, throwing my hands up.
“That’s not what matters!” She sighed. “What matters is that you perceived a threat, and you protected me. There’s something to be said for that.”
I rubbed my tired eyes. She didn’t understand. None of them did. Maybe not even Riley and he had been there. He had seen it all first hand.
“You just don’t get it. I’m screwed up, broken.”
“You’re right! I don’t get it, Alex! But that doesn’t mean I’m not trying. Explain it to me. Talk to me. Help me to understand.”
“I’m not a civilian, Jasalyn. I don’t think like normal people, not anymore. Everything is a threat. I can’t walk down the damn street without wondering if someone is part of the enemy. I can’t even go to a damn party without causing a scene and getting everyone worked up because I’m acting like some shell-shocked Vietnam veteran!”
“Maybe they don’t get it, but I think I do.” She rested her hand on my chest and looked into my eyes. “I get it, Alex. Things are different now. You see the world differently. It will get easier. You haven’t even been home a week yet. Give it time you’ll see.” She reached up and gently touched my face.
I leaned into her hand and allowed myself a moment of peace, but in the back of my mind the words false sense of security still echoed around my skull.
“That’s the problem, Jasalyn. I’ve seen too much,” I told her. “The things I’ve seen and done are always going to be there. Always.”
Jasalyn looked thoughtfully at me for a few minutes before speaking.
“Maybe, but I think memories fade, the good and the bad. They may always be there, but not always sharp and clear. Our minds are always collecting them, and some replace others. As you live you’ll make more memories, and some of them will help chase the others from the front of your mind.”
I wanted to wrap my arms around her and pull her into a long, hard kiss, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. Instead we sat there in silence until a question occurred to me.
“How can you trust me?” I asked her.
“How could I not? You saved my brother’s life. You’re a good man, Alex, don’t you ever doubt that.”
“But how do you know that something else isn’t going to set me off two seconds from now? What if I hurt you trying to protect you? I don’t even trust myself.”
“I’m not going to lie to you, Alex. Like I said before, nothing is for certain, but next time you knock a girl to the ground, at least give her a kiss for her troubles.”
Chapter 8: Jasalyn
I regretted the words as soon as they were out of my mouth. My face grew warm and I knew I was blushing. I couldn’t believe I had said something so brazen. I’m not a slut. I’ve only had two serious boyfriends, and only slept with one of them. What would Alex think of me now? Would he see me as a cheap piece of ass?
Alex’s laughter filled my ears and I laughed too. Our laughter danced between us and broke the tension. Maybe it worked because it was something natural and normal. No doubt I was attracted to him, and I’m not going to lie, if he’d leaned in and kissed me at the moment I would have melted in his hands.
“I’ll have to remember that, but I don’t think you’d like it too much if it was someone else,” Alex teased.
For a moment his voice sounded different, more relaxed. The teasing tone suited him well. He southern accent was thick and the smile on his face was one of the most genuine I had seen in the short time I had known him.
“No, I wouldn’t,” I laughed. “I’m not going to lie.”
Alex took my hand and entwined his fingers through mine. His hand was warm and large. For a moment I looked in awe at the beauty of his pale hands against my own dark skin. The contrast took my breath away. I wasn’t sure how my family would react if they saw us right now.
My father, a veteran himself, had always told me to never marry a military man. It’s too much of a hassle, he’d always said. They carry around too many demons. How would he feel if it knew what was growing between us?
Not only was Alex ex-military, he was white with a racist father if the rumors around town were true. The guys I had dated in the past had both been African-American. Would it matter to my parents if I brought home a pale, white, skinned military man? Even if he was Riley’s best friend?
“What are you thinking about?” Alex asked, interrupting my thoughts.
“Nothing,” I replied.
Now wasn’t the time to worry him with my thoughts. We didn’t really know one another that well, although being around him felt right to me. Helping him had started out as a charity mission, but now it felt like much more than that. There was a tiny blossom of hope in my heart. I hoped that eventually Alex would be able to have a normal life, but now I silently prayed that I would play a big part of that new life of his.
“That looks like a serious nothing,” Alex laughed.
“It’s nothing really, I was just…” I was at a lost for words. I didn’t have a good enough lie to cover up my true thoughts.
“You’re worried about what your family would think, aren’t you?”
“Alex, I…”
“No, it’s okay. I’ve thought about it too, although I already know what my father will think.” He shrugged as if it didn’t bother him. “We’ll handle that battle when it comes.”
I nodded and leaned my head against his chest. Suddenly, I was fearful that those around me wouldn’t let me be happy. That at any minute one person or another would tear me from him.
We sat in silence on the picnic table watching the sun move across the afternoon sky.
“What’s your favorite color?” I asked him trying to beat the silence away from my skull.
“Green,” he answered without pause.
“Green? That’s an unusual answer. Why green?”
�
�I don’t know. I’ve always liked it. It’s like spring or something. Nature, the trees. I guess I haven’t thought that much about the why. All I know was that when I was in Iraq I sure did miss the color of green. What about you?”
“Me? My favorite color? Gold. Gold, like the sun, but mostly because it looks really good against my skin.” Once I said it I realized how shallow I sounded.
“I’ll have to remember that.”
“I’m not really shallow, I promise,” I said looking up at him.
“It’s not shallow to want nice things,” he said. “People who work hard deserve nice things.”
When the sun finally slipped behind the horizon I suggested that maybe we should head back because the park would be closing soon.
“I know, but I don’t want to go back,” Alex replied. “To sit through dinner with my parents, my mom’s game of twenty questions, and my father’s holy-than-thou-bull-shit.”
“Then come to my place,” I said before I lost my nerve.
“Huh?” Alex asked, looking surprised.
“Don’t worry, you’ll be sleeping on the sofa,” I explained in case he got any other ideas.
“Okay.” He nodded and sat up, pulling me with him, “Do you think your parents will mind if I leave my truck there for tonight?”
“No, they shouldn’t. I’ll text mom to let her know,” I said as we walked back to the car hand in hand.
I sent a quick text to my mom to let her know we wouldn’t be coming back and then turned my phone off. I didn’t want her or Daddy lecturing me about letting Alex stay overnight at my apartment. I could imagine they’d immediately jump to conclusions and think the worst of me. I wasn’t going to give anyone the chance of crushing the tiny hope my soul was nursing.
Chapter 9: Alex
That night Jasalyn cooked me dinner, fried chicken, mashed potatoes and all the trimmings. I was thankful for the silence while we ate since it allowed me to concentrate on the food and gave me time to process how quickly things seemed to be moving.