Bridge of Doom

by George McCartney

  'Christ, it is you, Annie. I nearly didn't recognise you there, because of the make-up, dangly earrings and killer heels. Taking a step back, he looked her up and down before spluttering, 'and legs … you've got legs, a matching pair. I've never seem them before, with you always wearing jeans and the Doc Martens.’

  Having had serious last minute doubts as to whether her simple charity shop dress was suitable for a swanky do in the heart of Edinburgh's New Town, Annie opened her duffle coat and asked uncertainly, 'well, what do you think … how do I look? Say something, for God’s sake.'

  Jack's jaw dropped and he said, 'you look …'

  'What? Tell me … the tension's unbearable.'

  'Sensational, Annie. You look bloody sensational. Honestly.’

  Smiling, she said, 'that's the correct answer, boss. I'll let you buy the train tickets as a reward. Oh, and while you’re doing that, I’ll grab a couple of takeaway coffees from Costa for the journey.’

  As they settled into their seats on the train, for the fifty-minute journey to the capital, Annie enquired, ‘why on earth have you got that old rucksack with you, when we’re going to a swanky party?’

  ‘I brought my iPad along with me. There’s something I want to ask your advice about, so I thought this would be a perfect opportunity, while we’re stuck on the train.’

  ‘Okay then, shoot. What is it?’

  Jack took a deep breath and said, ‘it’s about this online dating malarkey you and your aunt Peg have got me involved in. I need help. I think I maybe need a complete makeover.’

  ‘I’m not an expert on online dating, but I’ll certainly try.’

  ‘I don’t need an expert, Annie. What I need is a woman I can trust, who will tell me the truth about certain … you know, personal stuff.’

  ‘I take it from what you’re saying, that things are not going wonderfully well on the internet dating front.’

  ‘You could say that.’

  ‘Look, this is a whole new thing for you, boss and you’ve only been out with two women so far. Remember what I said right at the beginning, about not having unrealistic expectations? Don’t take knock backs or rejection so personally, it’s all just part of the game.’

  'Yes, I worked that bit out all by myself, Annie. But look at this,’ said Jack, opening up the iPad at his profile page on the Clyde Cougars internet dating website.

  'So what am I looking at here?'

  'Just scroll down the page and read through some of the comments that these women have posted.'

  'What about?'

  'What do you think? About me. I've only been out with two of them, but already all the rest seem to be ganging up on me, based on my picture and profile.'

  'Oh, all that stuff. You mustn't take these kind of comments too personally, boss. You've been rated and slated, but it's all just part of the game. It's like when people post product reviews on Amazon. It's only one person's opinion and a lot of them are complete idiots. I mean how many times do you read a four or five-star review about a product, only to find out that the person hasn't even used the thing they're writing about. They've maybe received it, or bought it for somebody else, but that's all. How dumb is that?'

  'That's easy for you to say. But it's not you they're all making comments about. I'm a person, not a sexual object.'

  'That's true enough,' said Annie, agreeing far too quickly for Jack’s liking. 'But now you know how women feel, because that's the default position for most of you men.'

  'Yes but, here's the thing, it wasn't just one woman. There seems to be a recurring theme here amongst the reviewers, regarding my various alleged shortcomings.'

  Annie took a look at some of the feedback about Jack, posted by women he'd contacted, and then unsuccessfully tried to stifle a series of sniggers, before starting to read out loud. "This guy looks as if he's been on the doughnut diet for the past five years," now that's a bit harsh. And I don't think you look anything like “Donald Trump’s jakey wee brother” either. Right, so I get the drift. You maybe need to try a different website, although it's probably the same people on all of them.'

  'Yes, but you see what I mean? I definitely need someone to look at my profile, with a fresh eye, and see where it needs a tweak. That's where you come in, Annie, because I think I've probably been sending out the wrong message about who I am and what I want.'

  'Which is?'

  'That's the problem, I'm not really sure.'

  'Okay then, let me see what you've done so far.'

  Annie scrolled to the top of Jack's profile page, then announced, 'well first off, this isn't good. You definitely need a new picture. Haven’t you taken any better selfies than this?'

  'I don't know if they're any better, but I do have some spares in a folder somewhere on the iPad. Okay, how about if we try it this way? You pretend you've never seen me before and close your eyes. Then, when I say open them again, I'll show you these pictures one at a time. You just say the first thing that comes into your head. You know, like the old ink blot test.'

  'Okay, but remember what you’ve asked me to do here. I'm going to be completely honest and objective,' said Annie. 'So please don't be offended, because this is not in any way personal. Well it is, obviously, but you know what I mean.'

  'Fair enough, hold nothing back, Annie. Okay, here's the first one. Go for it.'

  'Interpol, ten most wanted,' said Annie, without any hesitation.

  'Okay, close again … and open.'

  'Serial killer. Can't you see? It's the eyes … definitely too close together.'

  'Oh, Christ almighty,’ said Jack. ‘I've only got two pictures left. Here's the next one.'

  ‘No way. What’s that thing sticking between your front teeth … there? It looks like you've been chewing the sleeve of your sweater. I know I said earlier that you need something that makes you stand out from the crowd. But I meant in a good way.’

  'Okay then, I've been saving my best one till last. Surely this one's harmless enough?' pleaded Jack.

  'Harmless, yes,' said Annie, sighing in exasperation. 'But you're still not smiling are you? And you also look as if your mother dressed you before you went out, which is definitely not a good look for a grown man out on the pull.'

  'This is ridiculous, Annie. I think you're reading far too much into a single photograph.'

  'And I think you must have spent too many years staring at police mug shots. Look this is not just about simple identification, boss. The picture you choose for your profile on a dating website is the one and only shot you have at making a good first impression. It’s what sells you, so if it doesn’t look right … then you’re toast. So, believe me, it’s worth taking a lot of time over it. Because, if you don’t, women will just go straight on to the next one. I mean, you could be the nicest, funniest, most charming guy in the world.'

  'Thanks Annie, you're a real pal.'

  'I said you could be, not that you are, okay? The thing is, if you look even a little bit weird in your picture, that’s it … end of story. So are we both on the same page here?’

  'You're right. Same page. Yes.'

  'Trust me, the average woman will look at a man's picture for five seconds, or less, and if something doesn't click with her right away, she'll just move on to the next one. It doesn't matter if you've said in your profile that you're a well-educated, non-smoker with an interest in opera and running marathons to raise money for orphans’ charities. That would all be complete lies, by the way. But it doesn't matter, because she won't be reading any of it.'

  Looking slightly crestfallen and deflated, Jack said, 'I really don't know if this internet dating business is for me, Annie. It all seems like some kind of glorified meat market.'

  'I know, it’s totally sad and shallow, but that’s just the way it is when there’s a lot of competition in a free market. And, by the way, I’m sure you’ve been doing exactly the same thing, when you’ve been looking at pictures of women on these dating websites. Be honest now, you’re not thinkin
g to yourself, this looks like a lovely person, with a nice smile, who probably makes a great pot of soup. You’re checking out how fit she looks. Would her moustache and that slight squint in her left eye be just too annoying, when the two of you are locked together in a steamy clinch? All that kind of stuff … am I right?’

  'Well, I suppose …'

  'I’m right.'

  'Okay, you're right. Again. I get it. I need a better picture. So what do you suggest?'

  'My first thought was that we need to try something really different with the picture, to make you stand out from the crowd. I was thinking I could do something completely radical and maybe pose you like Kai?'

  'Never heard of him,' said Jack, hopefully. 'I take it he's some hunky celeb or pop star?'

  'No, he was the famous dog with the wrinkled, concerned face who was abandoned at Ayr railway station a year or two back. The poor thing was left sitting there waiting patiently, with his lead tied to the railings and a suitcase containing all of his toys and stuff. There were great pictures of him published in most of the Scottish newspapers and then it went totally viral all over the internet. He looked completely confused and pathetic, but with a very noble profile.'

  'I can do confused and pathetic,' said Jack, confidently.

  'Yes but it would probably attract the wrong kind of reply. You know, a man kneeling down, wearing a dog collar and tied up.'

  'Yeah, let's not go there, just yet.'

  'Look, this is stupid,’ said Annie. ‘I’ll just take a couple of new pictures right now with my iPhone. Come on, don’t be shy, there’s hardly anyone in the carriage. Just stand up and let me see what you’re wearing.’

  Jack took off his raincoat to reveal a slightly stained dinner suit which had probably been an excellent fit twenty years ago, when he was a good stone and a half lighter.

  ‘Mmm … it’s not great and don’t even think of trying to do up the buttons, but it’ll have to do.’

  ‘Does my bum look big in this?’ said Jack, executing a quick twirl as a joke.

  ‘Yes. But there again, your bum looks big in everything,’ replied Annie, not joking. ‘But we can easily get round that by using a head and shoulders shot. Okay, now give what’s left of your hair a quick comb, hold your gut in as far as you can and remember to give me your very best smile. That’s really important, so try and imagine that you’ve just won a Euromillions rollover jackpot and I'm about to hand over the cheque. Right, one two three … sweaty socks.’

  Annie put her iPhone’s camera in burst mode, quickly reviewed the new pictures and announced, ‘this one’s here’s not too bad and I can Photoshop it for you right now. Should only take two or three minutes to fix.’

  ‘What are you talking about, what needs fixed? This is me looking my best.’

  ‘Stop being paranoid, okay? I’m just going to give the picture a little tweak here and there, to make you look nicer. Bear in mind that every picture of a celeb or film star, that you’ve ever seen in a newspaper, or online, has without exception had a bit of work done on it. So, let’s see … I’ll make the ears a touch smaller, firm up the jowls around your jawline a bit, tone down the red veins on your nose, reduce the bags under the eyes and make your eyes slightly further apart and less bloodshot. There … done. What do you think?’

  ‘That’s a good looking man, right there,’ said Jack, suitably impressed. ‘I’d go out with him myself, no danger.’

  ‘Okay that’s sorted, now let’s get a second opinion,’ said Annie, who quickly got up from her seat, crossed the aisle and sat down opposite two elderly ladies, who were seated slightly further down the carriage. They had been watching the impromptu photo session with great interest and seemed delighted to have the opportunity to engage with Annie. Jack cringed and sank down in his seat when he saw Annie pass her phone to the two old dears, to show them the before pictures and then the chosen after portrait. After much giggling, pointing and waving across the aisle towards him, Annie thanked the viewing panel and re-joined Jack, who was by now crimson with embarrassment.

  ‘I can’t believe that you just did that,’ hissed Jack.

  ‘Don’t be silly, the old dears are really good sports. They’ve obviously been wondering what on earth was going on, with you poncing around the carriage in a tux getting you picture taken, so they were delighted to give you a candid review.’

  ‘To be perfectly honest, Annie, I was hoping to be mainly dating women who were born a good bit after the start of the Second World War. But anyway, what was the verdict?’

  ‘Well the first lady said that your Photoshopped picture looks like a handsome young Ronald Reagan.’

  ‘Fair enough, what about the other one?’

  ‘She asked if there are any good pictures of your todger on the dating website.’

  Jack sprayed a mouthful of coffee over the window of the train and yelped, ‘what did you just say?’

  ‘Sorry, I’m kidding,’ said Annie, who was briefly consumed by a fit of the giggles. ‘But, seriously, they both said you’re a fine looking young man and, if you played your cards right, they would definitely offer you one of their Liquorice Allsorts, which perhaps tells you something about how old they are.’

  Jack waved in acknowledgement to the old ladies and then used a napkin to clean the coffee-streaked window.

  However, if he thought he was now off the hook, he was sadly mistaken. ‘Okay, that’s your profile picture done and dusted. Now tell me what you’ve listed so far under interests.’

  'Right, but first I need you to explain some things for me, Annie. So I can understand the subtext, the in between the lines stuff, when I’m reading all these different women's profiles. I think that’s a big part of the problem, because I don't know what they're talking about. It's been an absolute minefield for me.'

  'I'm not a complete expert on online dating, but I'll try. Okay, shoot.'

  'This one for example, she says she’s 'a tactile divorcee, who is looking for “strictly NSA fun times.” I get the first bit, she’s touchy feely which sounds promising, but what does NSA mean?'

  'That means she’s after strictly no strings attached fun times.'

  'Okay, which means?'

  'I think it means you’re almost guaranteed to get your leg over, probably without even buying her a drink. But remember, every other man within a hundred-mile radius probably has as well. So there’s a good chance that chlamydia and several other nasty sexually transmitted diseases will be included as a free bonus. Just a thought to bear in mind, boss, before you go ahead and set the bar too low. Next one.'

  'This next woman is "seeking friendship and cuddles, maybe more."

  'She's also looking for a quick shag. But she has slightly higher standards than the first one and would like a little bit of foreplay first please, guys, if you don't mind.'

  'Phew … I'm scared to ask about this one, she says she's "a super fit, fun-loving extrovert, who likes long walks in the country under the stars, dressing up and meeting lots of new exciting people."

  'Okay, let me see her picture,' said Annie. 'Yeah, by the look of her, she's definitely into dogging big time, that one. Probably accommodates bus parties and definitely not fussy.'

  'For heaven's sake, Annie, all of these women can't be raving sex maniacs?'

  'No, of course not, I'm just pulling your chain. Let's try and wrap this thing up before we get to Edinburgh. Go back to your interests.'

  ‘Well, so far, I’ve listed crosswords, country music, beer and football. You know, all the things I really like.’

  ‘No, that doesn’t work,’ said Annie emphatically. ‘Unless you want to have a date with another old fart, like yourself.’

  Annie’s fingers moved in a blur over the keyboard, then she announced, ‘okay, how does this sound? I am a solvent home owner, with my own business. I love long walks, visits to the theatre and romantic candlelit dinners, followed by rose petals, chocolates and champagne.’

  ‘But that’s ridiculous, I don’
t like any of that. It makes me sound like bloody Liberace. Although, obviously, he wouldn’t be trying to hook up with women. Especially since he’s dead.’

  ‘Look, don’t worry about it, boss. Everybody lies about this kind of stuff in their online profile. It’s just a means to an end, so that you can get within grabbing distance of desperate women.’

  ‘So let me get this straight, Annie … on these online dating sites, everybody lies about their age, appearance and interests?’

  ‘I’d say ninety, ninety-five per cent of people probably do lie to some degree, yes.’

  ‘And they all use a much younger picture of themselves and then trick it up with Photoshop, into the bargain?’

  ‘Absolutely. It’s probably ten years younger, minimum, for the women. Okay, there will be the odd straight shooter out there, but I’ll bet that the vast majority of the older crowd on these websites are in full spin control mode. It’s like that old song, they’re trying to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative.’

  ‘So is there anything that’s one hundred per cent real?’ said Jack, shocked and amazed at such rampant duplicity.

  ‘Yes … the recorded voice message. Maybe.’

  Chapter 31

  As they got out of a taxi in Moray Place, Annie paused for a moment to take in her surroundings, before saying, 'oh my God … this is so cool. Did you say the guy we're here to see owns the whole thing? What a fantastic pad and take a look at some of the fancy cars parked right along the street.'

  'Yes, it's all very nice but remember, Annie, don't be intimidated by the glamour and money. Most of the people you’ll meet inside will probably be world class bullshit merchants, just like old Henry and his boss. So my advice is, take everything they say with a pinch of salt and, if you're going to tell a lie … lie big, okay?'

  'I can do that,' said Annie, with a confident nod.