Broke and Famous

by Elizabeth Gannon

  Colby snorted in amusement. “Oh, I only invented a reducing ray.” She explained. “The science for making things big isn’t there yet.” She informed him clinically. “You can’t rush these things.”

  He pointed at the tiny building. “The folks in there kinda want you to rush it, honey!”

  Colby frowned at the miniature structure. “Oh, I don’t think there were people in there.” She looked down at her pet. “Zoe? Do you think there were people in there?”

  Zoe the giraffe looked spectacularly uninterested in the plight of the supposed tiny residents of the building, and occupied herself with placidly eating a leaf.

  Thraex let out an exasperated sound, then ushered them all forward again. “We just don’t have time for this…” He reminded them.

  The next block was Sinnott Blvd, and Sasha had never been so happy to see someplace she’d never actually been.

  She tapped her radio again. “Kurtz?”

  “You got him.” Her brother answered immediately.

  “We have the cosmic generator.” She turned to look down the road to see if Nash was here with their ride yet. “Hit the Doomsday Button.”

  Her brother was silent for a long moment. “I’ve waited my entire life to hit that button…” He said, as if in awe.

  “I know you have.”

  A moment later, the sound of breaking glass came over the tiny speaker, as Kurtz shattered the button’s protective cover. Then a siren started blaring in the distance.

  “The Capes aren’t going to like this.” Kurtz predicted ominously.

  “Tell them to clear the streets,” Sasha turned to see their ride making its way towards them, “the Westgates have got lead on this.”

  A moment later, the Westgate’s Ghost Car screeched to a stop in front of them, smoke coming from its massive engine. Nash appeared from the… cockpit?... of the car, lifting the entire roof and doors section off like a hinged lid. She exited through the rear of the car, what would be the trunk on a normal vehicle.

  “You couldn’t ah stolen a car or somethin’ Nash!?!” Thraex complained, gesturing to the antique vehicle.

  “I was getting its brakes checked and you said get here as fast as I could.”

  He pointed down the hill to where Triumph was located. “Jaxx has got a whole fleet of armed trucks down there, and this thing doesn’t even have any damn doors!!!”

  “I apologize, sir. When Sasha indicated that I should come pick you up, I should have anticipated the presence of a military pursuit inbound. Entirely my fault, sir. I accept full responsibility for the oversight.”

  Then the car’s engine sputtered and died.

  Nash returned to the driver’s seat and tried to start it, but there was only a faint whirring sound.

  Sasha’s mind raced, trying to place the sound and what it could mean. She wasn’t really a car person, but it was a machine like any other. If you understood how it worked, you could understand why it wasn’t working.

  She moved to lift up the hood, looking for the problem.

  “You won 43 races for Stanley Westgate.” Thraex said softly, running his hand over the smooth clear exterior of the car. “No one ever touched you on the track and he died lovin’ you. I know you’ve done a lot for the Westgates, and you’re tired. You feel outdated and forgotten.” He rested his forehead against the frame. “All they ask is one more race, okay? Please… for Stanley, just one more…”

  The 2,200 horses inside the antique engine suddenly roared to life, like an angry beast rising from the dust of time and clearing its mighty throat.

  Sasha stumbled backwards, putting her hands over her ears. “Shit, that’s loud.”

  Nash motioned for her to get in the vehicle, then reached up to close the roof hatch.

  Thraex looked around the interior, leaning over her. “Seatbelts?”

  “Doesn’t have ‘em.” Nash reminded him.

  “Great.” He reached out to hold onto Sasha and Colby. “Try not to crash, huh?”

  Ahead of them on the road, Triumph Industries security appeared.

  Nash glanced up at them, then refocused on toggling various switches on the huge control panel.

  “Uh… Nash?” Sasha got out worriedly.

  “The top speed of an armored military Humvee is 65 MPH. We are driving a race car, ma’am.” She calmly reminded her. “She’ll do 90. In second gear. We will arrive at our destination intact.”

  “Your ‘race car’ was built three years before the attack on Pearl Harbor, Nash.”

  “She isn’t the youngest girl at the ball anymore, ma’am, but she was built to dance.” She calmly popped a lollipop into her mouth and pulled her driver’s gloves tighter. She lowered her hand to the gearshift which was shaped like a cartoon ghost, and threw it into gear. “Alright, Westgates…” the armed vehicles ahead of them were in range now, their gunners appearing to take aim at the car, “Let’s go for a drive.” She stepped on the gas, instantly pushing them all back in their seats from the raw torque the engine was capable of putting out. The antique tires squealed on the pavement, sending up a cloud of smoke… and the old car took off like a shot.

  Sasha swore again, disoriented by the clear door panels and roof, watching the world speed by far more rapidly than she would be comfortable with.

  They took the corner wide, barely missing a row of parked cars. Nash switched her lollipop to the other side of her mouth, obviously unhappy. Her gloved hands tightened on the odd vintage airplane yoke-style steering apparatus. “Leave it to a Westgate to re-invent the steering wheel.” She muttered to herself.

  The cars behind them opened fire, which was completely illegal, but they didn’t seem to care.

  Nash swung the old car around the next corner, then shifted into a higher gear.

  Thraex looked out the back of the car. “They’re gaining, Nash!”

  “Bet on the jockey, not the horse, sir.” She turned to speed down an alley, trying to get back to the city as fast as possible. “Like Thraex said: my family has served the Westgates for three generations. You do science. I do this.”

  Sasha hit her communicator. “Kurtz, we’re heading back now in the Ghost Car, get ready.”

  “In that old bathtub?” Kurtz sounded amazed. “Is that thing even street legal?”

  “Just do it!” She handed Colby her computer tablet. “Colby, the Doomsday Button should have given us access to the traffic grid. We need lots of green lights!”

  The girl continued to look out the clear door panel, watching the world go by, periodically pointing out tourist spots to Zoe.

  “Colby!” She shouted, but the girl continued to be off in her own little world.

  “Zoe,” Thraex tried calmly, “tell Colby we need green lights, please.”

  Colby absently started to type things into the tablet. “Okay, Aunt Sasha.”

  The car hit a straightaway and Nash slammed it into a higher gear, rocketing them forward even faster.

  Another minute and they’d be out of range…

  Ahead of them, Xerzinax appeared in the middle of the street, winking into existence in a flash of light.

  Everyone in the car swore at the same moment. Except possibly Zoe, who was preoccupied looking at the scenery and who allegedly disapproved of using profanity.

  “Shit, the bastard is early!” Sasha cried.

  Nash turned the car down a side street, sacrificing speed but avoiding him. “Someone want to fill me in here?” She said around her candy.

  “That’s Thraex’s dad.” Colby didn’t look up from her computer tablet. “He’s real mean. And a god.”

  “My great-uncle Stanley always claimed: ‘The Devil himself could not catch this invisible automobile!’” Sasha thought aloud.

  “Let’s hope that applies to gods too, ma’am.” Nash remarked, drifting around the corner, tires squealing. She straightened it out and they were once again on an actual road. They blasted across the bridge, heading back towards Reichelt Park.

  When
they reached the end of the bridge, Xerzinax once more appeared in their path, blocking their way.

  Nash turned sharply, sending the Ghost Car skidding around another corner.

  He appeared in front of them again, shooting out a bolt of lightning, which barely missed them.

  “In the future, please inform me of the abilities of super-powered pursuers before the pursuit begins.” She requested, forced to downshift and take the longer way home, around the park.

  “What part of ‘evil god’ are you havin’ trouble understandin’, Nash?” Thraex reached out to hold Sasha in her seat so that she didn’t slide around.

  Behind them, the security guards had once again caught up with them, starting to open fire.

  Nash’s head suddenly turned to the side and then over her shoulder, like she saw something, then she spun the control yoke to the left. She hit a straightaway and rapidly increased speed, the old engine roaring like a beast let out of its cage.

  Xerzinax appeared in front of them again, firing another bolt of pure energy at them.

  Nash spun the control yoke to the left, drifting around a corner and smashing through the gates of the closed off entrance to the defunct Westgate Levitating Train station.

  The bolt of energy fried the first security car chasing them, causing it to explode in a fireball and seal off the entrance they’d just roared through.

  Nash turned the yoke hard left, drifting up the long circular ramp until reaching the station, when she straightened it out and shifted into the highest gear.

  The Ghost Car screamed down the abandoned tracks over the park, high above its pursuers and the energy field which imprisoned the festivalgoers.

  The vintage race car left them all behind in seconds, like the security guards were driving Darci Corvette Powerwheels meant for children.

  The track ended and Nash reversed the process, drifting down the exit ramp and back onto the road. The car crashed through the grate and arrived at their destination, the entrance to the Westgate Foundation building being less than a block away.

  Nash slammed on the brakes and the old car obviously didn’t like that, but it still spun to a stop, sending up another cloud of smoke. She nonchalantly exited the vehicle and reached out to help them. “I hope you enjoyed the ride, please have a nice day, Westgates.”

  Sasha snorted in laughter. “Nash, that was…”

  A bullet tore through the other woman’s shoulder and she let out a cry, hitting the pavement in a heap.

  Thraex pushed Sasha and Colby from the car, and pointed towards the front of the building. “Go! They’re reloading!”

  Nash leaned against the wheel of the car, palm pressed to the wound. She was losing a lot of blood.

  “I got this, you go!” Colby told them, reaching down to help Nash back into the car.

  “Can you even drive, honey?” Thraex asked, sounding worried.

  “Good point.” The girl nodded, taking on a determined expression. “Zoe? Take the wheel.”

  Zoe the giraffe looked even more panicked about the prospect of driving than she looked about pretty much everything else in the world.

  “No!” Nash immediately shouted in horror. “No, I think you’d better handle it…”

  Colby slid into the driver’s seat, placing Zoe on the dashboard like a little hula girl decoration.

  “I’m going to die.” Nash remarked as the roof section closed. “A miniature giraffe driving a vintage concept car is going to kill me…”

  The Westgate’s Ghost Car took off again a second later, gears screeching because Colby had no idea how to drive stick.

  Sasha raced through the front revolving door, dragging Thraex along with her and almost cutting off his hand in-between the doors as they revolved between them.

  “Kurtz!” She shouted. “We’re here!”

  The man appeared a second later, hurrying out to meet them. “You got it?”

  “We got it.” She assured him. “But we’re being pursued by soldiers, aliens, and a very angry demon god.”

  “I’ve got it all ready, waiting for the cosmic generator. It’s upstairs in the family room.” He buttoned his blue, purple and grey plaid Westgate varsity sweater. “You handle the god, I’ll deal with the soldiers and the aliens.”

  She stopped in her tracks. “I don’t…” She began, not happy over that idea.

  “I raided my lab before you arrived. I’ve got something that’ll take care of them.” He promised. “I might not be the smart one in the family, and I might be a washed-up loser… but I’ve still got one or two good ideas left.” He let out a humorless laugh. “Brains always wins out over brawn, you know that.”

  “I know nothing of the sort.” She retorted, looking over at Thraex to back her up on this. “That woman is a monster. She’ll break you in half!”

  “You help Thraex.” He refocused on the front door. “Leave Big Red to me.”

  “Not necessary, Kurtz.” Thraex shook his head. “There is…”

  “You’ve seen what I did to my own life.” Kurtz interrupted. “Imagine the kind of shit I can do to someone else’s.”

  “Kurtz?” She all but pleaded.

  “I got this.” He assured her again. “Trust me.”

  Thraex nodded at the man in gratitude. “Give’em hell, son. Your daddy would be so damn proud.”

  Kurtz let out a shaky breath and nodded at her. “See you soon.”

  Sasha looked down at her watch and saw that they had less than three minutes before the end of the world, and started taking the steps two at a time.

  Chapter 21

  “Aunt Petunia Westgate. Presumed dead in the Pleasant Place, Nevada incident. That whole damn town disappeared off the map in 1956. Just… gone. Nothin’ but a crater in the ground, without any kind of explanation. Never found out what happened to it or any of its residents, and folks kinda just wrote it off as bein’ caused by the Westgate luck. Either that or the Commies.”

  – Thraex, Damn Fool Ways Westgates Ended Up Graveyard Dead: Vol. 1

  Brutalikus the Hateful hated earth. Which was unsurprising, given her name.

  Her planet was many times as old as this one, possessing technology which the chimps of this world couldn’t begin to understand.

  She’d first been here years ago, when her cowardly leaders had let themselves be beaten off by the savages of this planet.

  It was a loss of honor for her entire race.

  She had done her part, naturally. She remained undefeated, she’d won every single battle she’d taken part in, despite the fact that her people had lost the war.

  It still stung though.

  Which was why she was almost glad to be back here, once again showing these pitiful creatures their place. Getting a second chance to prove just how much better her people were than the humans.

  The human animals were destined to destroy this dimension, it seemed. Whenever there was a universe-ending crisis, you could count on “earth” to be behind it.

  The people of Jupiter were much easier to deal with.

  But no, the earth people were almost criminally inclined to suicidal stupidity. Always creating nuclear weapons, and plagues, and giving refuge to The Unrepentant One. And now they had basically invited Xerzinax the Great Conqueror through their door. Letting his son clear a path for him into this dimension, practically setting the table for him.

  Which would put Brutalikus’ people on the plate next.

  And she knelt before no one.

  She’d been in town for a week now, trying to keep his minions from acquiring the components he needed to fully transfer his power into this dimension, but she’d been unable to track them down quickly enough.

  Investigation was not her expertise.

  She was a warrior. A general. She killed those disloyal to her people.

  Her pilot landed the craft in front of the building, and lowered the ramp so that Brutalikus could depart with her crew.

  She looked up at the building and the large name e
mblazoned on the side.

  It was an ugly building. Pathetic, really. No civilized race built their major cities aboveground, it just left them completely open to attack.

  She gestured to her men, spurring them forward as they all stepped out onto the street.

  To her surprise though, a human male was leisurely lounging against one of the planters in front of the building, smoking. He saw her coming and raised a flask to her in toast. “To the absolute mind-fuckery which is life in Reichelt Park.” He called, sounding almost amused.

  “Surrender Xerzinax’s conspirators and you will meet with a merciful death, human.” She ordered. “I will dispatch you humanely, and then enslave this entire world so that you will trouble the universe no longer.”

  He blew out a cloud of smoke, like one of the reptile beasts from Planet X. The action was filled with a swaggering self-satisfaction which was unusual for this planet and these humans. “Lower your expectations, sweetheart.” He advised with a smirk. “I’m not some dickwad Mystery Man who took classes at the local strip mall Karate dojo and then decided to go out and fight crime. I’m Kurtz Westgate.” He straightened with the pride of a man who’d seen battle before, the memory of it haunting his eyes. “I’m smarter than everyone you’ve ever met. Combined.” He took another drag from the object in his mouth, showing absolutely no fear. “I’m a drunken wreck… and I’m still going to beat you.”

  Brutalikus all but rolled her eyes, hating humanity more than ever before. She absently pointed at him, continuing to walk towards the entrance of the building. “Exterminate him.” She ordered her soldiers.

  The men immediately trained their weapons on the man.

  The man looked down at his feet, where an object was sitting. “Sparko, it’s doomsday…” He pointed at her men. “Sic ‘em!”

  The little animal shaped robot made an electronic growling sound, then its mouth opened wide to reveal the barrel of some kind of weapon.

  Brutalikus started to shout to her men to take cover, but the little robot animal opened fire before she got the chance.

  Several of her men disappeared in a flash, leaving not a trace of them behind.