Nameless

by Jessie Keane

  What had happened to her? She felt strange, somehow outside herself. The old Daisy would have been out partying now, boogying along to ‘Tiger Feet’ and wearing leathers like Suzi Quatro when she sang ‘Devil Gate Drive’.

  Motherhood had happened to her.

  She gazed at her two boys as they were passed around and generally adored, and felt such an overwhelming wave of love for them that tears pricked her eyes. Was this how Vanessa had felt, when she’d given birth to Daisy? Daisy didn’t think so. She wanted to think that, but she didn’t. She couldn’t.

  ‘Daisy says twins don’t run in your family,’ Simon was saying, and she caught a look – what was that? – that passed with lightning speed between her mother and father.

  ‘They don’t,’ said Cornelius. ‘This is just a happy bonus, isn’t it? Two babies, instead of one. Two grandchildren to spoil, how marvellous.’

  Simon gave Daisy a smile, but she knew what he was thinking and she was glad the babies had his red locks and not her blonde ones or he would think she had slept with someone else. Simon was hellishly jealous, which was flattering in one way but in another, a complete nightmare.

  ‘Have you chosen names?’ asked Vanessa.

  ‘Matthew and Luke,’ said Simon.

  ‘Lovely.’

  Two months after the birth, she was at home, with Ma and Aunt Ju visiting.

  ‘He’s not so bad after all, is he?’ asked Aunt Ju, cuddling Matthew.

  ‘Who, dear?’ asked Vanessa, cuddling Luke.

  ‘The Red Dwarf,’ laughed Ju.

  ‘Don’t call him that,’ said Daisy, looking around as if Simon was about to emerge from the woodwork.

  ‘Don’t look so worried, dear, he’s away on business, isn’t he?’ Aunt Ju smiled across at her niece. ‘Isn’t a red dwarf a star that explodes spectacularly? In which case it’s quite fitting really, as a nickname for your husband.’

  Daisy half-smiled, but she felt embarrassed. It was true, Simon had a typical redhead’s temper, blowing up in an instant. She always had to be careful not to annoy him. But, apart from that, he was a good husband, providing her with everything she could possibly want or need.

  She had this big if rather charmless house out in the country, a white-painted monolith that Simon had picked out, not her. Daisy knew she was very, very lucky to have him – even if Pa had ‘bought’ him for her, showering his family with gifts and establishing connections for them that would otherwise have been beyond their reach.

  She was so relieved that all the madness of her youth was over. When she looked back at her life now, her own behaviour frightened her. Marriage might be dull at times, but it was a safe harbour and she was glad of it. Look at Patty Hearst, for God’s sake – heiress to a colossal fortune, but she’d been caught on camera, toting a gun and raiding a San Francisco bank. Patty had gone right over the edge – and now Daisy could see that, so easily, the same thing could have happened to her.

  ‘When will he be back?’ asked Vanessa, placing the baby tenderly in his crib.

  ‘Simon? Oh, about a fortnight,’ said Daisy. Actually, she rather enjoyed these times when business took him away from home. It was peaceful, just her and the twins. No explosions of temper, no walking on eggshells.

  She did love him, a bit.

  But it didn’t worry her too much, when he was away.

  She was on the bed in the master bedroom feeding the babies when she heard his key in the door.

  ‘Hello!’ he called.

  ‘Up here!’ Daisy called back.

  Simon came up the stairs, loosening his tie, pulling open his shirt collar. He looked hot from travelling, but smiled when he saw her there.

  ‘Hi, darling.’ He came over and kissed her, smoothed a hand over each baby’s head.

  ‘Good trip?’ she asked.

  ‘Hellish. Nice to get back.’

  ‘I won’t be long,’ said Daisy.

  ‘No, carry on.’ He sat down on the bed and watched his sons suckle at her blue-veined breasts.

  ‘They’re fuller than ever,’ he said, fascinated, watching Matthew tugging at the teat.

  ‘That’s all the milk,’ said Daisy.

  ‘Do they get sore?’ he asked.

  ‘Sometimes.’ Daisy looked at him. She knew he didn’t want to hear about cracked nipples and nappy-changing. All that stuff bored him rigid. ‘So did the deal go through?’

  ‘Fine.’ He shrugged, his eyes fastened to her chest. ‘Christ, that’s quite sexy.’

  Daisy said nothing.

  ‘Missed me?’ he asked.

  ‘Of course.’ Had she? She wasn’t sure.

  ‘God.’ He patted his crotch. ‘Look at this. I’m hard.’

  ‘I can’t, yet . . .’

  ‘Three months, the man said.’

  ‘I don’t know . . .’ She didn’t want sex yet. Right now, she was so wrapped up in the babies, so permanently exhausted, that she wondered if she would ever want sex again.

  ‘Just carry on with what you’re doing,’ he said, and pulled back the covers, easing Daisy over onto her side while she still fed the twins.

  He knelt up on the bed, unbuckled his belt, unzipped himself, pushed his trousers and pants down onto his thighs.

  ‘Simon . . .’ protested Daisy.

  ‘Hush, my beautiful girl,’ he said, and pushed up her nightdress so that he could get inside her.

  It hurt, quite badly.

  ‘Simon,’ Daisy complained.

  ‘Hush,’ he said, and carried on.

  115

  ‘I think this is it. I’m finally going to tell her,’ said Ruby to Vi, as they sat in Harvey Nicks’ restaurant.

  Vi’s red-rouged mouth opened in surprise, her coffee cup poised halfway to her lips.

  ‘But you said you wouldn’t. And you were warned to stay away.’

  Ruby let out a shuddering sigh. ‘She’s had twins.’

  ‘Yes, you told me.’

  Ruby thought about it. Michael had told her the news, he’d heard it on the City grapevine. Cornelius had been bragging around town about the arrival of his grandchildren.

  Daisy – her daughter – was a mother now.

  She knew that Daisy had married into the Collins family. They were in construction, apparently, and very rich. Ruby hadn’t pursued the point about Daisy becoming a mother with Michael – she knew he’d come over all angry and protective if she did – but she did mention it to Rob, who was now her permanent minder.

  ‘Do you know where they live, Daisy and her husband?’ she asked him.

  ‘Not a clue,’ said Rob.

  ‘Can you find out?’

  ‘Piece of piss,’ he said. And he did.

  So now Ruby knew that Daisy and Simon Collins had a house in the Berkshire countryside. Rob gave her the address, and Ruby wrote a letter – and now, to her great joy, Daisy had phoned her, and agreed to meet up.

  ‘Vi,’ Ruby said deliberately. ‘I had twins.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘She gets that from me, doesn’t she?’

  ‘She must do.’

  Ruby frowned. ‘Do you think her husband might suspect . . . ?’

  ‘What, that Daisy’s mother isn’t who he thinks she is? I doubt it. And why should he even care?’

  Ruby looked down at her coffee cup. She picked up a mint, turned it over, then put it back on the plate.

  ‘Those are my grandchildren,’ she said fiercely. ‘I’ve never had Daisy. My boy . . . my boy died before I ever knew him. And now there are grandchildren, and I can’t go near them, can’t be their grandmother. All Cornelius cares about is appearances; he doesn’t give that for Daisy’s happiness. And as for Vanessa, my God!’ Ruby let out a sour little laugh. ‘All she wants to do is pick dead heads off roses!’ Her eyes were vivid with emotion as they stared into Vi’s. ‘I could love those children so much. I could give them so much love, so much attention.’

  Vi took a gulp of scalding-hot coffee. She put down her cup.

  �
��And so you’re going to let the cat out of the bag. After all these years.’

  Ruby swept her hands up over her face and then threw her arms wide.

  ‘I have to, Vi. It’s been eating at me for so long, and now I really can’t bring myself to stand back any more.’

  ‘Ruby . . .’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Daisy might hate you for it. All those years, and you don’t think she’s been very happy . . .’

  ‘I haven’t seen her in quite a while. But no, she never seemed really happy. She seemed lost, somehow.’

  ‘Maybe you were imagining that.’

  ‘No. I wasn’t.’

  Vi reached out and grasped her hand. ‘Look, Ruby, at the moment you’re friends, aren’t you? Even if you don’t keep in touch very much. But if you tell her, she might turn against you. Have you thought about that?’

  ‘Yes. I have. And I have to risk it.’

  ‘And what about Cornelius? Or have you forgotten that the last time you got close to Daisy, he sent the heavies in?’

  ‘I haven’t forgotten.’ Ruby’s eyes strayed across the room. There was a bulky young man in a suit sitting there, sipping coffee – Rob. Her minder, who drove her everywhere and watched her every movement on Michael’s instructions, ever since that terrifying brush with Tito’s rampaging Glaswegian. Vi’s eyes followed hers.

  ‘I’m glad to see that Michael Ward’s looking after you, but still . . . is it really wise to stir all this up?’

  ‘I have to,’ said Ruby simply.

  She met Michael at his flat that evening. It was transformed; as invited, Ruby had redecorated. It was a chic, contemporary home now – no lingering memories of his late wife, Sheila, remained.

  ‘I’m going to tell Daisy I’m her mother,’ she said as they sat on the sofa after dinner, sipping wine.

  ‘I’m glad you warned me,’ said Michael.

  ‘Well, aren’t you going to try and talk me out of it? Vi did.’

  ‘How do you think she’ll react?’ he asked.

  Ruby’s face was suddenly a picture of anxiety. ‘I think she’ll hate me. Vi’s right. And Kit said the same when I talked to him about finding my boy.’

  ‘When was this?’

  ‘Oh, a long time ago. After that night when Tito’s boy paid me a visit, we talked in the kitchen the morning after. Kit thought my boy would hate me, for letting him go.’

  ‘He could be right.’

  ‘He could be. But I’ll never know, because I’ve lost him, and there’s nothing I can do about that.’ Ruby gulped and blinked back sudden tears. ‘But Daisy and her children, there’s still a chance we could be close. They’re my blood. And I have to let them know that.’

  Michael eyed her steadily.

  ‘What?’ she asked. She had thought he’d kick up over this, had even braced herself for it.

  But all he said was: ‘Keep Rob close.’

  Ruby was very still, staring at him. A shiver of fear crawled up her spine.

  ‘Cornelius has kept this quiet for years,’ said Michael. ‘He wants to go on keeping it quiet. This could hit the fan, big style. Smear his reputation – he loves his reputation – and he’s got contacts that wouldn’t think twice about ensuring your silence. So be careful.’

  116

  ‘Well, this is unexpected,’ said Daisy, coming into the restaurant and finding Ruby at the far table, the best in the room – Michael Ward’s.

  Ruby was sitting there alone. Rob was over at the bar. She stood up when she saw Daisy, and the two women exchanged brief hugs and kisses before sitting down.

  ‘What can I get you, Miss Darke?’ asked the waiter, coming straight over.

  ‘Some wine? White?’ Ruby looked at Daisy.

  ‘I can’t drink yet. Breastfeeding. Just some water, please.’

  The waiter departed. Ruby felt her guts churn with inner turmoil. Finally, she was going to do this. She’d lost her courage so many times, but now she had to do it. She’d dressed carefully for this meeting, in a soft blue dress and matching accessories. She looked outwardly serene, but she had been sick twice overnight, and now her head was pounding with stress – but she was going to do this.

  ‘I haven’t seen you in a while,’ said Ruby. ‘I’m glad you came. I thought we ought to catch up.’

  ‘It’s been two years,’ said Daisy a bit frostily. She remembered inviting Ruby to her New Year’s Eve party at the gatehouse – and Ruby had declined, pleading business pressures. Kit too. It should have been a happy occasion. Instead, it had been awful, a cataclysmic turning point in her life. ‘I was surprised to get your call.’ She stared at Ruby and then she smiled, thawing a little. ‘But it was a nice surprise.’

  ‘How are the children?’ asked Ruby.

  ‘Fabulous. A nightmare. I’m run ragged, but they’re adorable. Thank God I’ve got a nanny now to help out. Jody’s terrific.’

  The installation of Jody as nanny to the twins had been a major triumph for Daisy. Simon hated the idea, it went against all his working-class beliefs, but for once she had stood her ground and refused to be overcome by him. There had been real distressing knock-down, drag-out fights over the issue, but finally Simon had conceded. So Jody was a permanent fixture, and Daisy felt a little less frazzled all the time.

  Ruby thought that Daisy did look tired. And when she relaxed and her face fell into repose, there was a vertical frown-line between her brows and deep furrows beside her mouth that hadn’t been there before.

  ‘Twins,’ said Ruby, and then the sommelier brought the wine. A waiter arrived with a basket of freshly baked bread. He took their order – pasta for Ruby, salad for Daisy. Then they both departed. ‘That must be wonderful.’

  ‘Double the trouble, double the work,’ said Daisy, but she smiled as she said it. ‘You know, I can’t believe how much my life has changed, Ruby. I really can’t.’

  ‘Your husband must be pleased.’

  ‘Simon? Oh, he’s delighted.’

  ‘Twins run in families, usually.’

  ‘That’s what Simon said. But there are no twins in my family, or his.’

  Ruby caught her breath. Now was the moment when she should speak. But she couldn’t. She just couldn’t push the words out of her mouth. Once they were out . . . oh my God, then Daisy would hate her, and her father would find out, and she had been warned . . .

  The waiter arrived with their food, and the moment was gone.

  ‘This looks great,’ said Daisy, falling upon the food like a starving woman. ‘I’m still eating like a horse, so I figure that, if I just eat salad, I can have big meals and still lose some of this baby weight.’

  ‘You look absolutely fine,’ said Ruby.

  Daisy pulled a face. ‘Simon doesn’t like me porking up.’

  ‘Better than fine. You look beautiful.’

  ‘Well, he doesn’t think so.’

  Then he’s a fool, thought Ruby. She looked across at Daisy, her beloved daughter, and thought, No, it’s no good, I can’t do this. I don’t want her to hate me, I couldn’t bear it . . .

  ‘I suppose business is booming, as usual?’ asked Daisy with a smile. ‘You’re such a powerhouse, Ruby. I really admire that.’

  ‘Business is OK.’ Nowadays, the business pretty much ran itself. She was just the figurehead really – little Ruby Darke, that quiet girl who had been frightened of her own shadow, who had sacrificed so much – a life, a husband, a family – and buried herself in work instead.

  She knew that people perceived her as fortunate beyond words. That she had everything, with her luxury lifestyle, her business plaudits, her palatial home.

  But inside, she still felt like that scared little girl. And she knew all too well what she had lost. She could see it, right in front of her. She had lost her daughter. She had lost – for ever – her son. Other people had their families around them, were cocooned in a soft comforting blanket of familial love; she was not. Apart from Michael, who was busy today, doing deals as usual, and J
oe and Betsy and their children – whom she rarely saw – she was utterly alone in the world.

  She sweated all though their meal, trying – and failing – to get the words out.

  Just say it, she thought, time and again.

  She couldn’t.

  Finally, after coffee, Daisy looked at her watch and sighed.

  ‘This has been so lovely, Ruby. But I have to get back, the boys . . .’

  She was going to lose the chance to do it.

  She had to do it.

  ‘Daisy,’ she blurted out as Daisy was getting to her feet, groping around for her bag.

  Something in Ruby’s tone arrested Daisy’s movement. She stopped, and sank back down into her chair, her eyes on Ruby’s face. ‘What is it?’ Daisy gave a brief, nervous laugh. ‘What’s up, Ruby? You look like you’re about to tell me the roof’s fallen in.’

  ‘It’s . . .’ Ruby swallowed. Her throat was parched. She reached for water, took a hasty swig.

  ‘Well, go on. It’s . . . what? Ruby, you’re making me feel worried now.’

  I have to say it.

  ‘Daisy.’ Ruby’s hands were gripped tight together on the tablecloth. ‘The twin thing.’

  ‘Yes? What about it?’ She stared at Ruby’s fear-filled face and her smile fell away. ‘Ruby, what on earth’s wrong?You’re frightening me.’

  Ruby gulped. ‘Oh, Daisy, please don’t hate me . . .’ she gasped.

  ‘What? Why would I hate you? You’re my friend.’

  Ruby closed her eyes, shook her head and said: ‘I had twins once. Long ago.’

  Daisy’s mouth dropped open. She was silent for a long moment, then she said: ‘But . . . I didn’t think you’d ever been married.’

  ‘I wasn’t. I had illegitimate twins. During the war.’

  Daisy was staring at Ruby’s face. ‘My . . . God. And what happened?’

  This was the hardest part of all. Ruby took another gulp of water.

  ‘My daughter was taken away by her father. Raised by him and his wife. She couldn’t have children.’

  ‘And the other one . . . ?’

  ‘My son.’ Ruby choked on the words. Daisy reached out and put a warm hand over hers. ‘He was taken away from me too. By my brother.’