by Green, Vicki
I worked until the sun had set long ago. Fed Storm and worked on the chicken coop. So much still to do but my body is plum tuckered out. I managed to take a hot shower and fixed myself the first meal of my day. I’ve lost a little weight but made up for it with muscle from workin’. Not knowin’ what to do with myself, I make a fire in the fireplace then sit down on the couch and flip through channels on my TV, not really seein’ anythin’. All my thoughts are still on Prie. A knock sounds on my front door so I turn off the TV and walk there. I’m not surprised to see Shiloh on the porch when I open it. She always seems to know when I’m down.
I pull her into a tight hug then pull back and cover her stomach with my hand. “Hey, darlin. How are you?” Seein’ my best friend, I smile for the first time today. My heart is so heavy, wantin’ to spill my guts, tell her how I feel about Prie, how I’m hurtin’ so badly. But I push it back, deep inside me. Now’s not the time.
“I’m feeling great, Trev.” She loops her arm through mine and I close the door after she passes through. We walk to the couch and sit down. She lays her head on my shoulder. Memories invade me, just like old times. She looks up at me with those beautiful light blue eyes. “And how are you? Seems like forever since I’ve seen you.”
I look down at her, flashes of late nights at my old beat up apartment, hittin’ me with a force. Good times. Horrific times. But we were together to hold each other, protect each other. “I’m okay. It’s kinda late. What brings you here, Shiloh?” I try to give her a grin, try to think she’s just here to see me but I know better. I know her. She sits up, shock on her face, but also a playfulness about her. She keeps her arm through mine, not wantin’ to sever the contact. Me neither.
“What? I can’t come over and see my best friend when I want to.” She gives me a pout and I laugh, rollin’ my eyes.
“You’re always welcome over here, Shiloh. But I think you know that.” Her brows raise, as if she’s been caught. “Now, tell me the real reason you came over so late, darlin’.” I give her a wink, lettin’ her know I’m not mad. She lets out a deep breath.
“Okay, well….” She looks down at her lap and then back up at me, squarin’ her shoulders back, like she’s always done when she gets determined. “Prie was upset earlier today.” My heart beats a little faster. I hurt her again. “She said she’d come over here, talked to you. She didn’t tell me what was said but I could see in her eyes that she was hurt or maybe confused?” I look down, my hands clasp together, squeezin’. Her hand covers mine, and I look back up at her but afraid at what I’ll find. “I know you don’t mean to, Trevor.” I give a curt nod, not believin’ her words. I don’t know if I do or not right now. Feels like I always do. “You mean the world to her.” I swallow hard. My heart lodged at the base of my throat. “She loves you.” I stand, her hand fallin’ away. I walk over to the fireplace and stoke the logs, causin’ the fire to flare. “I know that’s hard for you to hear,” her voice sounds behind me and I stiffen, grippin’ the poker hard. “I know it must be hard to let someone in, only loving one person your entire life.”
I turn my head, my brows furrow. “I love you,” I whisper.
She smiles that beautiful kind smile. “You know that’s not the same.”
I turn back, pokin’ at a log. “I hurt her every time she’s around me, Shiloh. I can’t…. I won’t keep doin’ that to her. She deserves better.”
I feel her come up behind me, always feelin’ her when she’s in the room. Best friends. “You’re hurting her more by pushing her away.”
I turn around, the poker down at my side. “She just thinks she loves me. I’m not good for her. You know that. I’m damaged beyond repair. My life….”
She grabs hold of my upper arms and I flinch at her stare. “You keep telling her to heal, be the woman she is meant to be but don’t you ever listen to yourself? You are damaged, Trevor, broken by the circumstances from your past but that doesn’t define you. It shouldn’t be what holds you back from having a good life yourself.”
I break free from her hold, placin’ the poker back in its stand and walk to the other side of the room. Confusion sets in, emotions that I shouldn’t have. I don’t want them. Don’t need them. I turn around and glare at her. “I’m doin’ just fine, Shiloh. I’m workin’ my land, makin’ a life for myself. You of all people should know how hard it is. How far I’ve come. You know how much I want…. I don’t need….” I bite my tongue, not wantin’ to say things I’ll regret later. Aggravation takes hold of me. I run my hand through my hair that desperately needs a trimmin’.
She takes a hesitant step towards me but stops, her face softenin’. “Hey. I do know how hard it is, not only for myself but for you. I just don’t want you to be alone forever, sweetie. I don’t want you to push away the people who care for you, want to love you.” She crosses her arms over her waist but gives me her sweet smile. “You’ve always been so stubborn, so set in your ways.” Her eyes are tender, lovin’. “She’s hurting too, you know. She wants to be with you.”
“She tell you that?” I whisper, wantin’ to know, hopin’ it’s true deep down inside.
She smiles. She knows how much I want to believe, how much I wish I could let go and be normal. “She doesn’t need to, Trevor. It’s in her eyes, her actions. It’s in her expression when your name is mentioned, when she stands out on our porch looking up the road, longingly.”
I swallow hard, not knowin’ what to say. What to do. I look down at the floor. “I’m not sure how to let go of my past. I’m not sure I can.”
I feel her walk to me and takes my hands. I look up into her lovin’ eyes and my heart melts. “You need to come to terms with it, sweetie. Make peace with it. A wise man once told me that you can’t change what’s happened but you can damn sure change what’s yet to come.” The corner of my mouth lifts. Just like her to throw my words back at me. Her hands squeeze my arms then she turns and walks towards the front door. She hesitates after openin’ it, lookin’ back at me. “Take it slow but not too slow. Quit pushing her away and push your past behind you. Begin your future.” She walks out, closin’ the door behind her. I look over at the blazin’ fire, starin’ into the glow. Can I do that? Can I stop myself from feelin’ everythin’ in my past and just live? I’ve done it for so long, most of my life. Not gonna be easy. But nothin’s ever been. I just hope I can find the strength. Soon.
Caprice
Another month since the day I stood strong and went to see Trevor. I’ve been working hard at the grocery store, made enough money to put down on my own car. Pride. I feel so much of it anymore. Kathy has helped me so much. I’m not saying it’s been easy. Many nights full of nightmares, reliving what I’ve been through. The horror. My parent’s deaths, watching the life leave them. My sister’s accident – the feeling of loss and the part of me that died with her. With them. Ditto has been my constant companion, just being there for me through those horrible nights while Nash has been a great friend, spending time with me after work. Deep inside I think he wants more than friendship but he’s been a gentleman, giving me the time and space I need. I’m confused about my feelings for him. Part of me wants to try and then part of me – the one Trevor holds – makes me back off.
Colby’s been working on a guest house on his land, one with a separate driveway. I told him he didn’t need to do that. I could find a place in town to rent but he wouldn’t have any of it. Said that I’m their friend and he’d been meaning to do it for a while now. He said I needed my independence, needed to be on my own, but not too far away since I’m still trying to get on my feet and trying to work through what happened to me. He and Shiloh are just too kind for words.
At today’s appointment with Kathy she suggested something that I’m not sure I can do. Not sure I’m strong enough yet. “I think you should make peace with some of your past. Go home, Prie. Take care of things there. Find the old you. I thin
k it’s time.”
I don’t think I feel as strong as she thinks I am but she told me to do it when I’m ready. Will I ever be ready? Maybe she’s right though. Maybe it’s what I need to heal more. Another decision to make.
Nash stopped by the store about the time I’m getting off for the day. His smile does touch my heart, his hand strong as he grasps my arm. He asked me to follow him home, see his horses, and have dinner. I texted Shiloh, with my new phone, to tell her I wouldn’t be home for dinner. Her reply was simply to have fun. I’m a little nervous as I drive to his house. My eyes keep looking in the rearview mirror, watching as he follows me in his truck. I’m not sure why I feel this way. We’ve spent a lot of time together and I’ve gotten really comfortable with him. I think maybe something’s changed. The way he looked at me at the store made me feel a bit uneasy, like he’s wanting something, wanting more. Is that what I want? No, I want Trevor. But if Trevor doesn’t want me then why shouldn’t I try?
I pull off onto his drive, his house sits quite a ways from the road. Once I get parked in front, I watch as he drives up to his garage, parking outside. He gets out and walks over to me, his smile huge. He is very good looking, his straight white teeth showing and his eyes lit up so bright. He opens my car door, holding out his hand. I put my hand in his, letting him help me out, a hint of tingles when we touch. He leads me up the steps of his wrap around porch, unlocks the door and guides me inside. I’ve been here several times now but his house still amazes me. Oh, Colby and Shiloh’s house is very big, like a mansion, but Nash’s house? It’s like a mansion on top of a plantation. Land farther than you can see. His house is two stories but wraps around the right with twenty rooms or so. I can’t imagine what he does with all this room. It’s way too much for one person.
“I thought we could sit and talk first then I’ll make dinner,” he says as he places his hand on the small of my back, guiding me to his living room. We sit down on his couch, a comfortable distance from each other. I give him a smile, trying to relax. Trying to allow myself to enjoy the moment, the company. Over time we’d talked a lot about our pasts but I never told him the horrific things done to me, only that I was taken against my will. Nash knows my parents are gone but I didn’t tell him how. I did let him know about Hattie’s death, how that happened. He was remorseful, understanding. He’s given me the friendship of a guy without pressuring me to go further. I feel like we’ve become so close. We’ve also had some fun together. He took me to the movies, not acting like it was a date but just two friends out having fun. He’s really been a life saver.
“So, I’ve decided to go home.” Nash’s eyes widen. His face drops slightly but I can tell he’s happy for me. “I need to make peace with my past. I’m sure there’s a ton of things that need to be done there.” I look down at my hands, my fingers pulling at each other. “I need to see my parents and sister.” I feel him before he puts his arm around my shoulders. His scent envelopes me, comforts, and brings warmth. I lay my head on his huge shoulder, his hand rubbing up and down my arm, reassuringly. “I’m a bit scared, meeting my past head on, but I know I’ll be better for it.” I don’t know how long we sit this way but suddenly Nash moves but keeps his arm around me. I sit up and look into his eyes.
“I’m really proud of you, Prie. You’ve come such a long way.” He reaches over and brushes back some of my long hair, my eyes flutter. “Do you want me to come with you, just be there for you, because I will.”
So sweet. So kind. He’d put his life on hold for me. I reach up and place my hand against his face, feeling the soft hair of his scruff against my skin. He closes his eyes and leans into it. “I have to do this on my own. Thank you for wanting to help me. For helping me.” His eyes flutter open. They’ve darkened a shade but they’re still shining.
“Prie, I….” Seriousness takes over and I stiffen a bit. He moves back, my hand dropping to my lap. “I think I need to start dinner.” He smiles. Relief floods me. “Keep me company?” I nod and my smile is back. He takes my hand and we walk to the kitchen, the tenseness gone.
“How long will you be gone,” he asks standing over the stove.
I pop another piece of carrot in my mouth. I think I’ve eaten more of them than putting them in the salad I’m making. “I’m not sure. It’ll depend on how things go. I need to find out about our house, go through all the things in there, and make some decisions. Mr. Grandy at the store said I’d have my job back no matter how long it takes but I’m not sure that’s what I want to do when I get back.”
He turns, carrying a bowl of mashed potatoes and a gravy boat full of country gravy around the breakfast bar where I’m sitting. I turn watching him set them on the table. “Have any idea what you want to do?”
I shrug, cutting up some more carrots and scoop the mound up in my hands, putting them in the bowl. I stand and walk over to the sink, squirt some dish soap in my hands and wash them. “Not sure yet. Right now, I’ve loved working with Shiloh on my book but then I love helping out at Sadie’s coffee shop.” I grab the dish towel that’s hanging from the drawer and dry my hands. “I love to cook too. Would be kind of cool to work in a restaurant but since there’s only one and they don’t need any help then that’s out of the question.” He walks to me, standing close. I watch him pick up the fried chicken pieces with tongs, placing them onto a plate. It smells so great.
He turns with the full plate, grabs the salad bowl on his way, and I follow him to the table. “You could always open your own restaurant.”
I begin to sit down but he sets down the plate in the middle of the table and quickly jogs over and pulls my chair out. Such a gentleman. I scoot up to the table and he sits down. I pick up the salad bowl and start putting some in my bowl. I let out a sigh. “That’s a big undertaking and I don’t have capitol. I’m not sure that’s what I want to do for sure either.” I set the salad down and then pick up the bowl with the mashed potatoes.
“I could lend you the money, Prie. I’d love to do that for you.”
I stop – the spoon raised holding a heap of mashed potatoes. “That’s so kind of you, Nash. Really. Thank you for being such a good friend.” The look in his eyes shows me he’s hurt, but only for a fleeting moment because then they return to kindness.
“When are you leaving?” He picks up a piece of chicken, taking a big bite.
I plop some mashed potatoes on my plate, set down the bowl, and pick up the ladle, filled with gravy. “Probably in the next day or two. I need to get with Shiloh and have to get a flight set up.” I need to go see Trevor, set things right between us before I leave. He nods, his eyes intent on me. I push the ladle down in the middle of my mashed potatoes and pour the gravy into the small indention. After returning the ladle, I pick up my fork and stab a piece of chicken, setting it down on my plate then put my fork down and pick up the chicken, closing my eyes as I take a bite. “This is really good,” I say in between bites.
Dinner was nice. The few of his men trickled in and out, saying their ‘Hi’s’ and tipping their hats at me. After we cleaned up, my stomach so full I could hardly move, we sat around on the couch, laughing at some comedy we found on TV. After it was over, I laid down, my feet in Nash’s lap, and we watched another movie. About halfway through it, my eyes start getting heavy.
“Hey, let me get you home. You can get your car in the morning.”
I stretch my arms above my head and yawn. “I’m okay. It’s not that far.”
He leans down over me, his eyes searching mine. I know what’s going to happen as he comes nearer, but I don’t stop it. I’m just as curious. His lips cover mine, sweet and chaste, the tingles that were there when we touched are absent. My hands make their way up around his neck. My fingers delve into his soft hair as he runs his tongue over my bottom lip. I don’t hesitate to part my lips for him, wondering if there’s more, and hoping that the feeling I had returns. But it doesn’t. In
fact, it feels all wrong, almost like kissing a brother. I know he feels it too as he pulls back, his lips pressed together, like he’s trying not to smile. So, I do it for him. I pull my arms back and cover my mouth with my hands. Giggles explode into them. Finally, he smiles, lowering his head, shaking it as he laughs. He looks back up at me, all white gleaming teeth, his laughter continuing.
“Well. That was awkward.”
Another giggle bursts out and then I clamp my mouth shut. “The worst.”
His brows raise. “Let me try one more time, just to make sure.” I nod, trying not to laugh, as his mouth covers mine. A split second. That’s all it took. He moves back and shakes his head again, laughing. “Nope. It’s like kissing my sister, which I don’t have.”
He sits up and takes my hand, pulling me up until I’m sitting. “Ha, well, I guess you kind of have one now.” He becomes somber but then smiles.
“I guess I do and I take care of my own. Come on.” He pulls my hand, helping me stand up. “I’m at least gonna follow you home. Need to make sure my sis gets there okay.” I laugh, shaking my head then nodding, grabbing my purse off the table and following him outside. He’s true to his word, as he always is. He follows me home and waves at me when I get to the front door. I wave back, standing up on my toes, then go inside. The foyer lights are on but the rest of the house is dark. I look at the grandfather’s clock and see it’s past midnight. I creep upstairs to my room, thankful that Ditto must be asleep with Colby and Shiloh. I change into my sleep clothes, wash my face and brush my teeth, then crawl into bed exhausted. I turn over onto my side, my hands under my pillow and smile. Things are finally going my way. My heart is almost full. There’s just one more thing I have to do before I leave. Good friends, good neighbors, and I’ll be going home to put my past to rest, giving me some much needed peace. I’m getting stronger every day, feeling like my old self. No. I’m a new person, and I’m so ready to begin my new life.