Dee smiled. “You should at least talk to the White Queen, see what she says.”
“The White Queen?”
“She’s a queen. The one who wears white,” Dum explained.
“I know who she is. I’ve met her before. But she doesn’t wear any jewelry, if you don’t count the tiara on her head.”
The two looked at each other. “She doesn’t wear much of anything at all.”
“That’s true,” agreed Alice, thinking of the White Queen’s bare breasts and special place. “Although it seems that on this side of the looking glass, very few people wear much at all. But what I don’t understand is why I should talk to her about jewelry.”
“Well, that’s simple enough,” said Tweedle Dee. “She does piercings at her store. Ye Olde Sex Shoppe.”
“Where is that, exactly?” Alice asked, becoming curiouser and curiouser.
Tweedle Dum pointed with his member, now very much as stiff as before. “You just follow the path through the trees.”
“There sure are lots of paths through the trees around here,” Alice mused.
But neither Tweedle Dee nor Tweedle Dum was listening; they were too busy kissing and stroking each other again.
Alice had to wonder if they ever had a problem with chafing. But she didn’t ask, because a discussion about it wouldn’t be very sexy, and quite possibly rude.
Besides, much as she’d enjoyed the three way, she really hated talking to the annoying little bastards.
“Thank you so much,” she called. “I believe I’ll pay her a visit.”
““Mmmph!” they both said, their mouths full of each other.
Alice set off on her way.
Chapter 5
Wool and Water
Alice followed the left fork in the path, and for once it was a nice, paved path with no sticks to trip over or tree branches to snag her hair or dirt that her heels sunk into. When Alice reached the end of it she found a sign nailed to a tree that read WRONG PATH, GO BACK. Alice wasn’t sure how the sign knew where she was going, but there wasn’t anything beyond the tree but a patch of stinging nettles, and since Alice had an aversion to stinging of any sort, she walked back to the fork and took the right path, which was filled with sticks to trip over and branches snagging her hair and dirt that tugged at her high heels. And stinging nettles.
When she finally reached Ye Olde Sex Shoppe, Alice was in a grumpy mood. Her mood went from grumpy to venomous when she saw a sign on the front door that read CLOSED FOR UNBIRTHDAY PARTY.
Alice didn’t know what an unbirthday was, but guessed it was something stupid and annoying. For all the good sex she’d had in Looking Glass Land, it certainly had its fair share of stupid and annoying people and customs. Alice frowned, her brow furrowing, as she wondered where to go next, when the door suddenly swung open and the White Queen appeared. Breasts and special place still bare for all to see, she wore a white garter belt and fishnets, and a white boa. The feather kind, not the kind that eats small children.
“Alice! How are you, dear? Did you come for my unbirthday party?”
“I’m afraid I don’t even know what an unbirthday is,” Alice said.
“No worry,” said the Queen. “As it is both stupid and annoying. But I did get some wool and water for unbirthday gifts, thereby explaining this chapter’s odd title. So why are you here?”
“Actually, I was sent here by Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum—”
“Excellent lovers, but also stupid and annoying.”
Alice agreed on both counts, but didn’t want to appear rude. “They mentioned you do piercings.”
The Queen smiled wide. “I do. In fact, when I opened my shop, I was going to call it Houses of the Holey and put a big lead zeppelin in the storefront.”
“I don’t get it,” Alice said.
“It was the seventies. I did a lot of drugs. I also have a Ficus I named Robert.”
“Excuse me?”
“Robert Plant.”
“Isn’t he that singer in the Rolling Stones?”
“You’re making me feel old. Come in.”
The Queen held open the door, and Alice walked inside. She’d never been in a sex shop before, and for some reason expected it to be dimly lit and dirty. Instead, the lighting was bright and uniform, with stock neatly arranged on racks. It could have been a local convenience store, but rather than snacks and sundries, the wares on these shelves were decidedly more… personal.
Alice stared at a display of movies, their covers depicting every type of coupling imaginable, and some that were almost beyond imagination.
“Organized according to kink,” the White Queen said. “Orgies, three ways, gang-bangs, all the group stuff, is in this section. Next to it is oral, which is always popular. Then gay, both women on women and men on men. Anal is next to that.”
“Apparently a lot of people like anal,” Alice said, noticing the section was larger than any of the others.”
“People often like to watch the stuff they can’t get at home.”
Alice picked up a film called Butt Plug Babes 37. “They make dildos for your butt?” she asked, looking at two naked women on the cover who appeared to be enjoying the activity.
“Of course. But they’re shaped differently, so they don’t fall out. Sort of like an American football, with a base on the end so it doesn’t get lost. I think I’ve got the brand used in that video, if you’d like to see it.”
Curiosity overcame Alice, and she nodded. The White Queen lead her past an aisle displaying various cuffs, restraints, hoods, whips, paddles, and chains, and to a whole wall of butt plugs. She selected a pink one, and held it out for Alice. It was roughly the size and shape of a lemon, with a flat base on one end.
“That’s gigantic,” Alice said.
“There are smaller models, for beginners. The anus is simply packed with sensitive nerve endings. Have you ever done any butt play?”
Alice blushed. “Nothing quite so large.”
“You think this is large? We have a lot bigger. In dildos as well. Take a look at this one.”
The White Queen walked an aisle over, and picked up a box that held a dildo thicker than Alice’s arm.
“That’s not a sex toy,” Alice said. “That’s a murder weapon.”
“You’d be surprised how wide you can stretch when properly aroused.”
Alice had been properly aroused countless times, but she didn’t think she’d ever be aroused enough to accommodate that abomination.
“So you want a piercing?” the White Queen asked. “Where were you considering it?”
“Um… well… the usual places, I suppose.”
“And those are?”
Alice fidgeted. Surely the White Queen knew. Why embarrass her by making her say it?
“Alice, if you’re too embarrassed to say it, you probably shouldn’t get it done.”
Oh. That’s why.
“Well, my nipples,” Alice said softly. “And my… clitoris.”
“Nipples! Excellent! A piercing will dramatically increase sensation. But clitoris? That’s so rare I’ve never actually done one. Very risky. Very precise. And that’s one part of the female anatomy that you don’t want to hurt or damage.”
Alice frowned. “But, in the garden, I saw Daisy.”
The White Queen nodded. “Ah, yes. That’s not a clit piercing. I do not recommend piercing the clitoris. Daisy has what is known as a clitoral hood piercing. She had a vertical bar inserted in the thin skin that covers her clit. It is the easiest, and quickest healing, of any genital piercing.” The White Queen leaned in closer like a conspirator sharing a valuable secret. “And the sensations are out of this world.”
“Really?” Alice asked. “I don’t mean to be rude, but how can you know for sure, if you don’t have one?”
“I have a clitoral hood piercing, a triangle piercing, a labia piercing, and a fourchette. But when my husband and I visit the Red Queen, I remove my jewelry, because she forbids it.”
“She’s not a very nice person,” Alice said.
“No. She’s a boring bitch.”
“I thought you needed an open mind to become a queen,” Alice said.
“That’s one way. The other way is to do what she did.”
“What’s that?”
The White Queen lowered her voice. “Defeat the Jabbercocky.”
“I’ve heard of that, in a confusing poem. I—”
“Please,” the White Queen said, holding up her palm. Her eyes brimmed with tears. “I don’t want to discuss the Jabbercocky, Alice. I had a terrible experience in the HDO, and don’t wish to recall it.”
“I’m sorry,” Alice said. She was bursting with questions, but the White Queen seemed ready to sob.
“It truly is a terrible place. I hope you are never sent there.” Then she brightened. “Now let’s get you up in the chair and poke some holes in you.”
Alice had never liked needles, and while she’d felt rather confident on the walk over—wrong path and stinging nettles notwithstanding—the thought of having needles stuck into her most sensitive parts was quickly becoming a badder and badder idea. But rather than object, she obediently followed the White Queen past racks of lubricants, adult magazines, and love dolls ranging from cheap inflatable bachelor party gifts to full-sized models that looked more real than many of the people Alice went to college with. The piercing room was through a doorway draped with hanging beads, and there was a comfortable-looking leather recliner in the corner, next to a hanging print of a Georgia O’Keefe painting of a flower that looked more like something else. Upon closer inspection, Alice noticed someone had altered it; the pistil in the overtly feminine flower had a silver bar pierced through the tip.
“Sit sit sit,” the White Queen said. “We’ll start with your breasts, I think.”
Alice sat, legs stiff in front of her, every muscle tense. She didn’t want to get jabbed, especially in such sensitive areas. “I think I’m changing my mind.”
“Are you sure? I certainly wouldn’t do anything without your consent, but I really do think you’ll enjoy the jewelry. Everyone does.”
Her mind racing for an excuse, Alice suddenly remembered that she couldn’t possibly get a piercing. “I… I don’t have any money,” she said, for the first time in her life relieved to be broke.
“Nonsense,” the Queen said. “There is no money in Looking Glass Land. We use the barter system here.”
“But I have nothing to barter with,” Alice said, close to whining.
“Of course you do, my lovely little dear. Haigha! Hatta!”
Alice thought the Queen had begun speaking gibberish, but a moment later two men popped into the room. The first was wearing flared jodphurs and tall black boots and a tweed jacket over his hairy chest. A beret perched on his head and he held a megaphone in one hand and a riding crop in the other.
His companion carried a large camera, and although he wore sunglasses, the rest of his body was bare. His erection curved up toward the ceiling, more charming and generous than Tweedle Dee’s… er, Dum’s… er, whatever.
Of course, Alice recognized them from her journey to Wonderland.
“Hatter!” she exclaimed, grinning. “March Hare!”
“No, it is Hatta and Haigha. We went to Boston recently and forgot how to use the letter R,” said Hatter… no, Hatta. And it couldn’t have been true, because he pronounced recently and forgot correctly.
“Hare, um, I mean Haigha, what happened to your lovely rabbit suit?”
“Cleaners,” he said. “It gets awfully soiled with bodily secretions, as you can imagine.”
“He’s a regular walking hot zone,” said Hatta. “When the Lysol stops working, steam cleaning is required.”
“Where is your friend, Maus?” Alice asked.
Hatta shrugged. “Sleeping, as usual.”
“Can you gentlemen begin a two camera set up?” the Queen asked.
Hatta and Haigha nodded, going into a closet and dragging out various pieces of equipment. As they set up three point lighting around Alice, she asked, “What’s happening?”
“We’re going to make a movie,” Haigha said.
“Alice’s Sexual Piercing Adventure,” Hatta said. “We’re pornographers now.”
“You see, Alice,” said the Queen, “we shall make a movie of this event. That is what you offer in barter. I’ll do the piercings, and you sign the model release.”
Haigha thrust a piece of paper and a pencil at her.
“I’m not sure I want to be in a movie,” Alice said. “Especially one that will involve me crying.”
“There will be no crying, Alice.” The Queen’s eyes twinkled. “Trust me.”
“But…” Alice’s voice trailed off.
“You’re afraid,” the Queen said.
Alice nodded, ashamed.
“Everyone who sits in that chair is afraid, Alice. Bravery doesn’t mean you have no fear. Bravery is simply getting control over your fear. Do you want me to help you be brave?”
“I don’t see how you can,” Alice said.
“I’ll be right back.”
The Queen left and Alice read over the release and signed it. Then she fidgeted, becoming more and more nervous as Hatta and Haigha set up lights and loaded their cameras.
“Have you made many movies?” Alice asked, more out of nervousness than genuine curiosity.
“But of course,” said Hatta. “Did you see Fluffy Mr. BunnyToes Goes Balls Deep in Ass?”
“I also acted in that one,” Haigha said proudly.
“You were Fluffy Mr. BunnyToes?” Alice asked.
“No,” said Haigha, “I was Ass.”
“That role had such depth,” said Hatta.
“I’m afraid I missed it,” Alice said.
“We also did an all male vampire movie,” Hatta said. “Jackula.”
“Jackula?” Alice said.
“It’s not blood he sucks,” said Haigha. “Hatta starred in that one. Remember your final scene?”
“It was certainly a mouthful.”
“How about The Jubjub Bird’s Golden Shower Extravaganza?” said Haigha. “Did you see that one?”
“I don’t know what a Jubjub bird is,” Alice said. “Or a golden shower.”
“It’s just as well,” said Hatta. “They are both rather messy.”
“How about Dear Grandma Muffleton’s All Stud Gang Bang?” asked Haigha.
“She’s eighty-five years old, and takes on an entire high school varsity football team,” said Hatta. “And she got halfway through junior varsity before breaking a hip. What a talent.”
“I found her charming,” said Haigha. “We dated for a while afterward, but she eventually said I was too old for her.”
“A shame,” said Hatta. “I miss how her pelvis creaked when she made love. It was like sexy time with a bag of crisps.”
“Hatta does enjoy his snacks,” observed the White Queen, returning with an armful of colorful boxes and packages. She set them on the table next to Alice’s chair.
“What are those?” Alice asked.
“As you know,” the White Queen said, “the female orgasm is a marvel of human physiology. Pain tolerance goes up 100% while a woman is climaxing.”
Alice eyed the boxes, saw they contained various items from the shelves.
“So we’re going to use some toys,” the Queen continued, “and pierce you when you’re coming. You won’t feel any pain. Can you disrobe, please?”
“I really won’t feel a thing?” Alice asked.
“Oh, you’ll feel quite a bit,” said the Queen. “But it won’t be pain.”
Alice slowly removed her blouse and skirt, immediately aware that the cameras were capturing her nudity.
“I missed seeing you naked, Alice,” said the Hatta scanning her body through his lens.
“Uh, thank you.” She lowered herself into the chair.
“I also missed feeling you naked, Alice,” said the Haigha, taking his cu
rved manhood in his free hand as he angled for a shot of her breasts.
“Ah, thank you, Haigha.”
Alice had to admit, she liked having Hatta and Haigha, and the Queen, staring at her body, and the cameras only added to her arousal. Imagining men and women she didn’t know staring at her nakedness was naughtily titillating.
Then the Queen unwrapped the first package.
Alice stared. “What in the world is that contraption?”
The Queen smiled. “This is a Sqweel.”
It looked like a large pizza cutter, without the long handle. Or a particularly large snail that had a wheel for a body. The outer shell part covered half the wheel, with buttons on it that could be pressed while being held. The wheel itself was covered with tiny, pink plastic paddles that looked like—
“Are those tiny tongues?” Alice asked.
“Indeed. The Sqweel is meant to stimulate oral sex.”
The Queen put in some batteries and pressed a button. The center wheel with the tongues began to spin around rapidly, until they were a blur.
“You want me to put that between my legs?” Alice asked, growing a little worried.
“Hold out your hand.”
Alice did, and the Queen squirted a dollop of strawberry scented water-based lubricant onto her palm. Then the Queen used the Sqweel to lap up the lube. Incredibly, it did feel as if Alice’s hand was being rapidly licked by little tongues. It was undeniably erotic and a shiver worked over her bare skin and tightened her nipples.
“Magnificent,” said Haigha, focusing his camera on her face and breasts.
“Spread your legs, Alice,” the Queen said.
Alice did, cool air caressing her wetness.
“So sexy,” Hatta said, dropping to a knee to get a better angle between her open thighs.
Alice had never been filmed before, especially without clothes. She wasn’t sure what to do. “Should I look at Hatta’s long lens, zooming in on my feminine parts, or should I watch the Queen move the Sqweel up to my nether region?”
“Whatever you do, it will be hot,” said Haigha. “Just show us how good it feels.”
Then the Queen’s Sqweel was touching her, and Alice said, “Oh my.”
“It isn’t as hard or intense as a vibrator,” the Queen said. “But once you warm up to it, the sensations are quite marvelous.”
Fifty Shades of Alice Through the Looking Glass (Second Book of the 50 Shades of Alice Trilogy) Page 7