Fifty Shades of Alice Through the Looking Glass (Second Book of the 50 Shades of Alice Trilogy)

by Melinda DuChamp

  “Oh dear,” Alice said, ready to cry. “I made a huge mistake.”

  Humpty patted the wall. “Poor thing. Come up here, girl. You can tell me all about it while you’re blowing me.”

  The tears came. “Can’t you see I’m upset?”

  “You know what can stop those tears? Giving me vigorous head.”

  “Can you please stop thinking about oral sex for just five minutes?”

  Humpty laughed. “Ha! Show me a man who can do that!”

  Alice really began to cry now. “Lewis loved me. I thought we’d be married some day. But I dumped him for no reason.”

  “Wow. You’re such a bitch.”

  Alice fell to her knees, her whole body racked with sobs. She had ruined Lewis’s life, and hers, all because she’d let her biases and prejudices override her feelings and common sense.

  “Why don’t you just apologize and win him back?” Humpty asked.

  Alice sniffled, staring up at him. “Could I really do that?”

  “Why not? Don’t you have an open mind now?”

  “I think so.”

  “You’d better. Or else I’m going to write KEEP AN OPEN MIND on a club and beat you over the head with it, like we’ve been doing to the readers.”

  “I’ve got to go back home and talk to Lewis,” Alice said. “Which way do I go?”

  “Where is home?”

  “On the other side of the looking glass.”

  “I don’t have the slightest idea what that means. But you could follow this path to Lion and Unicorn Park. There’s an orgy going on there right now. Lots of people. Maybe one of them will be able to help you. But be careful.”

  Alice wiped away a tear and smiled shyly. “I think I’ll be okay. I’ve been to an orgy or two.”

  “It’s not that. I heard the Red Queen is planning to raid the park. You don’t want to be arrested and have to face the Jabbercocky.”

  The word rang a bell, and Alice recalled that horrible poem she’d read earlier and the word being repeated by the White Queen.

  “What’s a Jabbercocky?” she asked.

  “It’s a sex machine, in the Hall of Denied Orgasms. Meant to cause unbearable arousal in women.”

  Alice frowned. “The White Queen didn’t want to talk about it. She said the Red Queen beat the Jabbercocky, and that is why she’s allowed to rule Looking Glass Land.”

  Humpty spat. “The Red Queen. She’s an unfeeling bitch. Do you know how she beat the Jabbercock? She fell asleep. Can you imagine? I weep for her poor husband.”

  Alice thought about the Red King and how eager he was, and how hard, and how long. “But the Red Queen and the Red King have swinging parties with other couples. He seems to have a lot of sex.”

  “Yes, on this side of the looking glass, everybody has sex with everybody. But the Red Queen believes all sex should be boring, and she’ll only allow the Red King to come during boring sex. Even the Jabbercock couldn’t turn on the Red Queen.”

  “I read a poem about it. In a book.”

  “Turning on the Red Queen?”

  Alice sighed and rolled her eyes. “No. The Jabbercocky.”

  “Did you like it?”

  “No. I thought the author was full of himself.”

  Humpty laughed, then began to recite:

  Carroll’s lyrical endeavor,

  Thinking made-up words were clever,

  Read a hundred-plus years later,

  Only prompts my inner hater.

  “You can say that again,” Alice said. “But please don’t. I hate poetry. Though I do wonder what that Jabbercock poem meant.”

  “You want I should explicate it for you?” Humpty asked. “Could have some relevance.”

  Alice sighed. “I suppose. Will it take long? I do have an orgy to get to.” And she had to admit, that even after the very many lovely experiences she’d had today, the thought of an orgy made her start to tingle all over again.

  “I’ll make it quick. Which, incidentally, is the line I use picking up women. Let’s go through it, stanza by stanza.”

  Alice winced, but nodded. Humpty began.

  ’Twas horcky in the HDO,

  Beased so long they mersycried,

  Empty was the bordello,

  Tolerance had up and died.

  “Horcky means horny and unlucky,” Humpty said. “Beased is bound and teased. Mersycried is those who cry for mercy. A bordello is—”

  “I know what a bordello is,” Alice said.

  “Slut,” Humpty said, then continued.

  Beware the Jabbercock, my girl!

  The pole that jabs the secret patch!

  Torment shall make her toesies curl,

  She was so shunned, they bandersnatch.

  “So far, the poem is about being taken to the Hall of Denied Orgasms and being mercilessly teased by the Jappercocky,” Humpty explained.

  “What’s a bandersnatch?”

  “A woman was shunned and exiled from the kingdom. Get it?”

  “No.”

  “They banned her snatch.”

  Bandersnatch. Alice rolled her eyes. The only thing worse than poetry was poetry with bad puns.

  “Shall I continue?” Humpty asked.

  “I really wish you wouldn’t, but I guess you should.”

  Humpty cleared his throat, spat, and went on.

  A soul condemned to face the beast,

  By missionench, so crimson mean,

  But pleasure fiftyfold increased,

  Made her then the Golden Queen.

  “A missionench is a wench who only allows the missionary position,” Humpty said.

  Alice nodded. “Crimson mean. That’s the Red Queen?”

  “That’s her.”

  “So who is the Golden Queen?”

  Humpty rolled his eyes. “I have no idea, blondie. I wonder who it could be? Insert sarcastic emoticon here.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “I’ll continue.”

  The Jabbercock shall masturbate,

  Poor Golden Queen with fiendish chode,

  But she shall rise and liberate,

  And jabbing pole shall overload!

  “So the Golden Queen takes on the Jabbercocky,” Alice said. “What’s a chode?”

  “It’s a penis that is wider in girth than it is long.”

  Alice laughed. “You’re kidding! Such a thing doesn’t exist.”

  Humpty pulled down his panties, exposing a very short, but extremely thick member. It looked like the top of a fire hydrant. It was even bright red like one.

  “Oh, wait,” Humpty said. “That’s my toy fire hydrant. Hold on.”

  He tossed that aside, exposing a very short, but extremely thick member. It looked like a penis, only shorter and wider.

  “And you wanted me to put that in my mouth?” Alice said, shocked. “I don’t know if I could even fit my lips around it.”

  “But think of the fun you’d have trying.”

  Alice did think about it, and her thoughts made her aware of her piercings. She shifted uncomfortably from one leg to another, but that only made the feeling worse.

  One, two! One, two! And through and through

  Until the machilit the smoke,

  The souls condemned, they came and flew,

  While Golden Queen BJ’ed her bloke.

  “So she beats the Jabbercock,” Alice said. “I’m guessing machilit is a portmanteau of machine and lit. Maybe it lights on fire and starts to smoke?”

  “Good guess. And then she gave her boyfriend a blowjob. Want to practice on me?”

  Humpty grabbed himself, and he was so thick his fingers couldn’t fit around it.

  “Maybe later,” Alice said. “Finish the poem, if you please.”

  Freedom rang in Kingdom high!

  Snowballing and hot bukkake!

  Gokkun, felching, and creampie!

  Queen shall wed the panty jockey!

  “So everyone went free, and debauchery returned to the kingdom.” Humpty
said. “Are you familiar with all of those words?”

  “I’m not sure.”

  “Snowballing is passing a man’s essence from mouth to mouth by kissing. Creampie is when a man’s essence leaks out of a body part. Felching is sucking a man’s essence out of the body orifice where it was deposited.”

  “But I named my cats Snowball, Felcher, and Creampie!” Alice said, shocked by the definitions.

  “Slut,” Humpty admonished. “And, of course, bukkake and gokkun are Japanese terms.”

  “What do those mean?”

  “Do I look like Google?” Humpty asked, tugging on his chode.

  “No, but—watch out!”

  While pleasuring himself, Humpty had lost balance, and he plummeted off the wall and fell right at Alice’s feet.

  “Oh, my!” Alice knelt beside him. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine,” he said, sitting up.

  “You are?”

  “Of course I am. It was just a small fall. What, did you expect me to break into a million pieces?”

  “Well, I—”

  “I’m a man, not a 95% chemical compound of calcium carbonate crystals stabilized by a protein matrix.”

  “Huh?”

  “I’m not an egg. I just have a gland problem, exacerbated by an eating disorder.”

  “But, the Humpty Dumpty poem…”

  “Does the poem ever say that I’m an egg?”

  Alice ran through it in her head. “No, I guess not.”

  “Do eggs get hard-ons?” he said, gripping himself.

  “Not that I’ve heard of.”

  “Then drop it with the egg nonsense. Now help me up, and I’ll accompany you to the orgy at Lion and Unicorn Park. I was planning on warning them about the raid anyway.”

  Alice helped Humpty up, and in doing so got a closer look at his member. It couldn’t have been more than four inches long, but it was indeed equally as wide.

  “Impressive, ain’t it?” Humpty said, shaking his hips.

  “Yes,” she said, shyly.

  “You’re thinking about what it would feel like inside you.”

  Alice blushed, but nodded.

  “The raid isn’t scheduled for another hour, so we got some time. Go ahead and use me.”

  Alice considered it. The idea was kind of crazy, Humpty Dumpty wasn’t appealing at all, but she really did want to know what that fat monster felt like, and it had been more than 2500 words since the last sex scene.

  “Okay,” Alice said. “But go slow and easy.”

  “Low and sleazy, that’s me. Now lemme see those titties.”

  Alice paused a moment, then shrugged and pulled her blouse up over her head without even unbuttoning it, her breasts bobbing free. Humpty grabbed them in his fat fingers, rubbing his thumbs over her nipples until they stood at attention, the golden rings swinging proudly.

  “You’re very beautiful, Alice.”

  Alice didn’t return the compliment, because Humpty looked a lot like a fat, pink toad, if fat pink toads dressed in women’s underwear. But he was doing a pretty good job with her nipples. And his prick was magnificent.

  She reached down and couldn’t even fit her hand completely around it. The head was oval and—go figure—egg-shaped. Alice tugged on the foreskin, surprised by how hard Humpty was.

  “How do you find pants to fit?” she asked, genuinely interested.

  “I only wear panties, remember? Can you help me with my bra?”

  Alice felt for him, for often she had a hard time with the clasp as well. “I know a trick. Pull it around backwards, so you can undo it in front.”

  He followed instructions, and easily unhooked the undergarment, letting it drop to the ground. Then he kicked off his very large strappy sandals—honestly they had to be a size 15 triple wide, and he was Alice’s height exactly. And although his face wasn’t anything to look at either, his eyes were bright and twinkled with mischief, which Alice found quite erotic.

  He skimmed one of his hands down her belly and entered her with a finger, making Alice squeak with surprise. His finger was larger than some men she’d known before Lewis, not that she’d known many, of course.

  “You’re so wet,” he cooed. “That’s hot.”

  Humpty moved his finger in and out so rapidly, it made Alice’s knees weak. Seeming to sense this, Humpty grabbed her bottom with his other hand, both holding her up and pressing her closer to his clever jabbing. Alice stood there, pinned by his enormous hands, as he worked her slot with more speed than she’d ever known.

  “Oh my oh my oh my OH MY!” Alice cried out, squirming against him, her new piercing intensifying the wonderful sensation.

  “Do you like this?” Humpty asked, breathing hot on her neck.

  “Ugn… ugn… yes…”

  “I can go slower, if you want.”

  Cupping her butt cheek firmly, he slowly withdrew his chubby finger, wiggling it as he did. Then he teased her lips and ran his moist fingertip along her most sensitive part, making Alice’s whole body clench. She squeezed her eyes shut, concentrating on the sensations. Ever so slowly, Humpty inserted the finger again, all the way to the last knuckle, moving it back and forth like a scolding parent. Alice ground her hips into his hands, grunting, then crying out when Humpty’s thumb stroked her clitoris, tingling her barbell.

  Alice began to come, and as she did Humpty used his other hand—the one squeezing her rear—to insert a finger into her other opening. It was only the tip, but it stretched Alice wide and made everything happening in front even more intense. Alice clutched his shoulders, digging her nails in, and screamed as she climaxed, shuddering and clenching as Humpty worked his fingers back and forth, back and forth, using her body as his own personal Chinese finger cuffs while she rode the wave.

  When Alice’s senses returned, she opened her eyes and stared at Humpty, who was grinning with apparent satisfaction.

  “Want to see if you can get your mouth around it?” Humpty asked, the corners of his eyes crinkling.

  Alice swallowed, and nodded, because right now she wanted that more than almost anything.

  Humpty released her and Alice sank to her knees, staring into the eye of his monster. With one hand she weighed his gigantic balls, which were not only big as peaches, but heavy as the fruit, too. Alice’s other hand grasped him at the root, pulling back his skin. She gave the head a slow, tentative lick, and seriously doubted she could fit something that wide into her mouth, let alone anywhere else in her body.

  “Oh, yeah,” Humpty said. “Get it nice and slick.”

  Alice continued to lick, alternating with full-lipped kisses. She sucked on the side as if giving a hickey, and Humpty moaned. Then, sticking out her tongue so it covered her lower teeth, Alice opened her mouth as wide as she could, and tried to force the massive head into her mouth.

  It went in, just barely, and filled Alice so that her cheeks bulged out. She began to move her head back and forth, but couldn’t do any real sucking because it was simply too big. From the sounds Humpty made, he seemed to be enjoying it. But in truth, Alice wasn’t. Her jaw was stretched too far, and the whole process was uncomfortable. She kept going, however, partly because of the wonderful orgasm Humpty had just given her, and partly because she hoped he would climax, because Alice didn’t think she’d be able to fit this massive member in her secret garden.

  Humpty seemed to sense her discomfort, and he pulled free and then caressed her sore cheeks.

  “Congrats,” he said. “Not many women can do that. You have a big mouth.”

  “Thanks, I guess.”

  “Want to try sex?”

  Alice chewed her lower lip. “I don’t know. I’m not sure I can handle you.”

  “Won’t know until you try,” Humpty said, winking. Then he was lying on his back, hands clasped behind his head, fat toes wiggling.

  Alice’s early comparison to a fire hydrant was appropriate. She stared at his manhood in awe, sure there was no way she could ride something that
wide.

  “I thought your tits were beautiful before. You should see them from underneath.” He said the words softly, reverently, and yet Alice felt them in her core. “Play with your nipples a little, will you?”

  Alice did, and her nipples tingled and peeked in front of Humpty’s appreciative eyes.

  “I wish I could film a porno of you right now. Every guy on earth couldn’t help stroking his pole to the sight of those luscious tits.”

  The appreciation in Humpty’s voice made her wish Hatta and Haigha were here right now recording her newest adventure. Humpty’s comments and the enthralled look on his face were making her feel like gold.

  Hot gold.

  “Do you like hearing me talk dirty, Alice?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Do you like me saying crude and naughty words? Like when I talk about your tits?”

  Alice thought she probably shouldn’t, but she had to admit she kind of did. “It’s exciting. A little forbidden, I guess.”

  “How about pussy? Would you think it was hot if I said that word?”

  She felt a little thrill down below. “Yes, I guess it would be hot.”

  “Okay, let’s try this: Will you show me your pussy, Alice? Will you stand over me and give me a peek?”

  Alice knew she shouldn’t do that. But again, it was exciting. Thrilling, even. So she stood over Humpty, a leg on either side of his head, her thighs spread wide.

  He reached for his member and started fondling. “You are so sexy, Alice. So wet. Do you like me staring at your spread pussy?”

  She swallowed into a dry throat. “Yes, I do.”

  “Can you touch yourself while I watch?”

  She did, and sensation zinged along every nerve.

  “How wet are you, Alice?” Humpty asked.

  “Wet.”

  “Really wet? Check and see.”

  She slid her fingers over herself, then deep inside, feeling the orgasm building again. “Yes.”

  “Dripping? Because I think I can see you dripping for me, Alice.”

  “Yes, I’m dripping.”

  “For me? Staring up here at your pussy and your jutting nipples? Are you dripping for me, Alice?”