“That’s ridiculous,” I said. “It’s not my fault Luke couldn’t have forgiven me any sooner. He waited until it was too late.”
“So he forgave you?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I mean, he said he still loved me. I guess I assumed he forgave me too? That’s kind of why I want to see him. I want to clear the air. Leave things on good terms. See if we can still be in each other’s lives.”
“So you have someone to come back to when it doesn’t work out with Hudson,” she snorted.
“That’s harsh, Piper,” I said.
She couldn’t even look at me.
“I should get going,” I said. “I’m only in town until Sunday.”
I slid off the counter stool and clicked my little kitten heels on out of the coffee shop. I didn’t know what her problem was, but I knew I didn’t have to put up with it for another second.
***
I walked into the Manhattan bar that Friday night dressed to the nines. My skinny jeans hugged every little curve I had left, and I wore the lowest cut, shimmery tank top and the tallest high heels I could find.
It wasn’t that I wanted start anything with Luke, I just wanted his attention. I wanted him to talk to me. I wanted to see if we could still be friends. And I wanted him to be sorry he waited until it was too late before admitting how he felt about me.
I stepped into the tiny bar as the speakers blared in my ear with country music and the familiar faces of locals all turned towards me wondering who the hell I was. I knew I didn’t look like I was from Rock River anymore, but I didn’t care.
Perched on a bar stool sat Luke. He was handsome and strapping in his green plaid shirt and dusty blue jeans as he sipped a frosty mug of beer. I watched as he turned towards me, looked me up and down, and then turned back away. I knew he knew it was me.
“Whoo hoo!” I heard a man yell.
Another man whistled.
“Who do we have here?” a third man called out. “Miss Hollywood? Aren’t you that girl who ran off with the actor?”
My cheeks blushed, though thankfully it was so dark in there no one could tell. I ignored their cat calls as best I could. My eyes focused on Luke as I approached the far end of the bar and ordered a bottle of beer. I just wanted to fit in again. I just wanted to feel like I was welcome back home still.
With my beer in hand, I mustered up the courage to approach Luke. It was such an odd sensation to be afraid to talk to him. He’d been in my life for as long as I could remember. And a month ago, I would’ve said he was my world. Now the thought of talking to him nearly gave me a panic attack.
“Luke,” I said as my heart pounded in my ears. “Hi.”
He turned towards me, looked me up and down again, and then turned back away on his stool. Just like that, he rebuffed me.
“It’s Brynn,” I said. Maybe he didn’t recognize me?
“I know,” he said as he took a sip from his mug, still giving me the cold shoulder.
“How are you?” I asked. Maybe if I pretended nothing was wrong, he’d warm up to me?
He ignored me. It was quite obvious that it was intentional too. I slammed my brown bottle of beer on the counter next to him and hightailed it out of there. I wasn’t going to put up with that from Piper, and I certainly wasn’t going to put up with that from Luke. I never realized what fair weather friends I had until then.
As my heels struggled to carry me across the gravel parking lot, I couldn’t get to my car fast enough. I just wanted to go home. I just wanted to forget about Luke and Piper for a second. I wanted to go back to L.A. I wanted to see Hudson.
“Brynn!” I heard a man call out behind me.
I stopped dead in my tracks and turned my head to see Luke standing with his hands in his pockets by the door of the bar.
My shoulders fell as I stood frozen. I wasn’t going to walk back over to him. He could come to me if he wanted to talk. I said nothing.
His boots scuffed the gravel beneath him as he walked towards me. Cars whirred past us on the highway.
“What did you want tonight?” he asked. “Why did you come here?”
“I don’t know, Luke,” I said as my arms dropped to my side. “I guess I just think it’s weird that we’re not in each other’s lives anymore.”
“That’s not my fault,” he said with a cocky shrug.
My mouth dropped.
“I’ll admit that I left town,” I said. “But you’re the one who waited until I was already gone to tell me how you felt.”
“And you didn’t even respond!” he yelled, his hands waving in the air above him. “How do you think that made me feel?”
“You shouldn’t have waited so long,” I said. “Luke, I’ve loved you for years! And I know you knew. And now it’s too late.”
“Yeah,” he said. “You’re right. Now it’s too late.”
“Everything okay out here?” a bar patron on his way inside asked.
“Yes,” I said. “Everything’s fine.”
Luke and I were a good ten feet apart. I knew we weren’t getting any closer than that.
“I need to get going,” I said to Luke as I accepted the fact that this wasn’t going anywhere.
He pinched his face as he spun around on his heel and headed back inside. He wasn’t going to try to stop me.
I climbed in my car and tried to fight the tears from falling. I was happy with Hudson, but I also didn’t understand why Luke and I couldn’t still be friends. I didn’t understand why Piper suddenly resented me. Rock River wasn’t the same Rock River it was a month ago. Either I had changed too much or everyone else had. I wasn’t quite sure.
I headed over to my mom’s house to check on her. When I walked in, I noticed the place was unusually clean. The lingering cat odor was almost eliminated, and there were only a few beer bottles along the sink instead of twenty.
“Mom?” I called out.
“In here,” she replied. “Brynn!”
She climbed up off the couch and ran to me.
“Oh, my goodness!” she said as she wrapped her arms around me. “I’ve missed you so much.”
“I’ve only been away a few weeks,” I said.
“You’ve never been away this long before,” she said. “And look at you.”
She grabbed my bony wrist and examined it.
“You’re so skinny,” she said as she stared at me with wrinkled, concerned eyes. For the first time in a long time, she didn’t smell like booze.
“Look at you!” I said with a smile. “You look great. The place is clean. What happened? What changed?”
A coy smile flashed across her mouth as she shrugged her shoulders and turned to her left.
“Tom,” she called out. “Come out here. I want you to meet my daughter, Brynn.”
“You met a man?” I asked. Now it was all making sense. She would never clean up her act for me, despite my begging and pleading with her for the past fifteen years, but now that she’d met someone, she had all the motivation she needed.
A man came out of the back bedroom, buckling his pants, and straightening his shirt. He was a little plump with balding grayish-blond hair, and squinty blue eyes. He looked the way my dad probably would’ve looked had he lived to be this old.
He walked up to me and extended his hand. “Nice to meet you, Brynn. Your mother speaks very highly of you.”
“Thanks,” I said. I had to admit I was a little leery of him, but then I remembered my mom had pretty much nothing to her name except her little two bedroom house. He couldn’t have been after her for money or anything like that. I told myself to cut him some slack. He’d made her sober up for God’s sake. He shouldn’t been awarded a medal.
We stood awkwardly in the living room as my mom and Tom made googly eyes at each other and held hands. She hadn’t dated anyone since right after my dad died when she dated a string of losers upon losers before vowing to give up men altogether and devoting herself to a life of factory work and booze.
>
“Well, I just wanted to check on you, Mom,” I said. “I’m in town until Sunday, then I go back to L.A.”
“Oh, so soon?” she said with a disappointed frown.
“Yeah,” I said. “Hudson’s pretty great to me, Mom. I hope you can meet him someday.”
“I’d love that,” she said as she squeezed my hand.
I headed back outside and climbed into my car. Piper had changed, Luke had changed, and now my mom had changed. It was like I came back to a completely foreign place. It sure didn’t feel like home anymore.
The second I walked into my apartment to retire for the evening, I took great relief in seeing that everything was exactly how I’d left it. It was still my sanctuary. It was still my sacred space. I’d missed my bed. My music collection. My movies. My own, private bathroom with all of my things.
I changed into some ratty, old pajamas, relieved that I didn’t have to worry about looking sexy for bed, and pulled out my phone to call Hudson. I missed him so much. I was craving his voice and his way with words. I knew he’d make me feel instantly better.
I dialed his number and waited for him to answer. It was eleven New York time, and I hoped he’d still be awake. The phone rang. And rang. And rang some more. He wasn’t answering. Soon his voicemail picked up.
“That’s odd,” I said. I tried calling him a second time. Same thing.
I refused to let my poor, exhausted mind wander any longer or assume the worst. I knew he had early interviews with various media outlets Saturday morning and a full day of shoots and press junkets. He had probably gone to bed early.
I climbed into my cozy bed with my faded comforter and shut my eyes. Within seconds, I was out.
I was startled awake the next morning by a Google Alerts message on my phone. Like an idiot, I’d secretly subscribed to get alerts anytime I was mentioned in the media. Someone had figured out my name a couple weeks ago, so I was no longer called “Hudson Smith’s Mystery Girl”.
The first headline that popped up said “Hudson Smith Dumps Brynn Dawson”. My heart fell to the floor. I could feel vomit rising in my throat. The walls seemed to be closing in and closing in fast.
I clicked on the article and saw a photo of Hudson with a tall, leggy blonde with blue eyes, but it wasn’t Ava Fox. The caption said, “Hudson Smith Steps Out with Hadley Tennyson Parker.” According to the article, the picture was taken Friday night and Hadley was a former beauty queen turned newly divorced ex-wife to some music mogul. She was gorgeous to say the least.
My eyes began to well up as hot tears stained my cheeks and fell onto my lap. I couldn’t believe it. He was away for me for one day and he had already found someone else. My throat felt like it was going to swell up. I couldn’t breathe. I had to talk to him. I had to get an explanation. There had to be a perfectly logical explanation for all of this, I just knew it.
My hands trembled as I dialed his number and waited for him to answer.
“Hey, gorgeous,” he picked up in the middle of the first ring.
“Don’t,” I said.
“Huh?” he was confused.
“Why the fuck were you with Hadley Tennyson Parker last night?” I asked. “There are pictures all over online of the two of you walking the streets of Manhattan arm in arm.”
He started laughing.
“This is not a laughing matter, Hudson,” I said as my voice shook. I didn’t want him to hear me cry, but I was on the verge of sobbing.
“Hadley is an old friend of mine,” he said. “I swear to you, Brynn.”
“Sounds a little convenient,” I said. “Is that why you were walking so close? Huh? Is that why you couldn’t take my call last night?”
“Some guy was hassling her,” he said. “I ran into her last night and offered to walk her to her place.”
My stomach twisted as my mind assumed the worst. His explanation was convenient. Almost too convenient.
“So you went to her apartment?” I asked.
“I walked her to the door, yes,” he replied. “Told her to have a good night and then caught a cab back to my hotel.”
I wanted to believe him. I really did.
“Brynn,” he sighed. “You know better than to believe anything you read online. Those sites just want the most sensational headlines so they can generate the most ad revenue. You know how that works. You’ve experienced it firsthand. You’ve read all the lies they’ve printed about you.”
He had a point.
“That sounds awfully convenient,” I said. “It’s just hard to believe you when I am looking at the pictures right in front of me.”
“Brynn, please,” he pleaded. “I’m telling the truth.”
“Why didn’t you answer when I called you last night?” I asked.
“I went to bed early,” he said. “My phone was shut off. I had a six o’clock meeting this morning with a guy from G.Q. magazine. I went to bed around nine last night.”
“Of course you did,” I said with a snide tone.
“Brynn,” he said as he objected my attitude. “Come on. Don’t be ridiculous here.”
“I can’t believe I threw away my entire future for you,” I said. My voice was becoming shrill and whiny, but I didn’t care. “I fell for all of your lies.”
“Lies? Brynn? What are you talking about? Calm down. Don’t do this,” he pleaded. “I have to jet off to another meeting. I really don’t want to. I want to keep talking to you. I don’t like hearing you like this.”
A few sobs escaped my mouth as I had nothing more to say to him.
“Brynn,” he said. “Please. Please calm down. I’ll call you later okay? And I’ll see you at home tomorrow night. Everything’s going to be fine. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.”
He paused as he waited for me to respond, but I couldn’t find the appropriate words to say. I was angry. I was angry at him. I was angry at myself.
I pulled the phone from my ear and hung up.
CHAPTER 11
I rolled my suitcase to my door Sunday morning and left it standing there. The driver was going to be there any minute to pick me up and take me to the Des Moines International Airport to fly back to L.A. My ticket was printed and shoved in my purse, but I couldn’t bear to look at it. I wasn’t excited to go back, but I didn’t want to stay in Rock River either.
If I went back to L.A., I knew Hudson would just tell me what I wanted to hear. In less than a week, he was going to be on set with Ava Fox. I didn’t know much about her, but I knew she still had an interest in him. She would’ve have shown up at his place if she didn’t. I wasn’t sure I could handle another round of tabloid fodder and outrageous headlines, especially not about Hudson and Ava.
If I stayed in Rock River, I’d have to find a way to make things up to Luke and Piper. In their eyes, I’d left them and come back a different person. I guess I couldn’t really blame them for being so weird about it. Maybe I was expecting too much from them.
The black Town Car pulled up outside my building and my heart began to race. It was too late to think about any of it anymore. I had to make a decision. I had to stay or go. It was Rock River or Hudson. It could never be both.
Things with Hudson had moved quickly. Too quickly. We had crashed and burned. Visions of the photos of Hadley Tennyson Parker on his arm flashed in my mind, and I wanted to throw up.
I took a deep breath and walked outside to greet the driver.
“I’m actually going to be staying,” I told him. “I’m so sorry I didn’t call you sooner. I just found out my flight was cancelled.”
I was a horrible liar.
“Your flight was cancelled?” he asked as he peered around at the clear, blue sky above us.
“Yep,” I said. I didn’t care to elaborate. “I’m sorry. You’ll still be paid.”
He tipped his hat and got back into the Town Car, driving away. There it was. I’d made my decision. I was staying, and I wondered why it felt so wrong all of a sudden.
I went back in my
apartment and changed into something more comfortable. Pajamas, a fuzzy robe, and slippers were like one giant hug. I heated up a frozen dinner and settled in front of the T.V. to watch a movie.
I’d never felt so alone in my entire life, but I knew I was the one responsible for it. I had caused it. I did the damage. I had to figure out a way to make things right again, only I didn’t know what was right anymore.
Piper was right. I was too different now. She barely recognized me and truthfully I barely recognized myself anymore. I’d gotten too wrapped up in Hudson and his lifestyle and all the newness and excitement. I’d forgotten my roots.
My flight was supposed to land at LAX around seven that evening. A driver was supposed to bring me to Hudson’s house. I still hadn’t told him I wasn’t coming. It was approaching nine thirty, and I knew he’d be calling any minute.
Just as I suspected, my phone rang at nine thirty-four. It was Hudson.
“Brynn,” he said. “Where are you?”
I hesitated and took a deep breath.
“Rock River,” I said.
“Are you joking right now?” he replied. There was both confusion and anger in his voice. He was about to lose his cool, which he’d never done. “I – I don’t know what to say. I guess I’m confused?”
“We’re from two different worlds, you and me,” I said. “After what happened Friday, regardless of what’s true and what’s false, I just don’t know if I can handle that. I’m not used to that stuff. I don’t want pictures of my boyfriend and random women all over the internet every time he goes somewhere for work.”
I’d never used the boyfriend word with him before. It just slipped out.
“You have to understand my world,” he said. “If you care about me, you’d give us a chance. You’d at least try to understand it. You’d try to look through all the bullshit and lies that the media spins, and you’d see who I really am.”
“I want to, Hudson,” I said as my voice trailed. “I really do…”
“No you don’t,” he huffed. “Either you believe me or you don’t. And obviously you don’t. I don’t know what else I can say right now to make you believe me when you don’t even want to.”
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