He was right.
“Did you bump into Luke or something? Is that what this is all about?” he asked. He was sounding more and more like a jealous boyfriend lately.
“I saw him, but no, that’s not what this is about,” I said. “That has nothing to do with this.”
“Things were great two days ago,” he said. “Hadley and I are just friends. We go way back. I know a lot of people, Brynn. What else can I say to change how you feel?”
I figured he’d have something brilliant to say. Something to change my mind and make me want to see him again. But nothing he said made me feel any better.
Rumbling from a truck that could only belong to one person startled me, and I glanced outside my window to see Luke’s rusty, red pickup parked next to my car.
What’s he doing here? I wondered. I wasn’t expecting him at all.
“Hudson,” I said. “I’m going to let you go.”
“Wait,” he objected. “So that’s it? Just like that? It’s over?”
“I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?” I said. I wasn’t even sure if I meant that. I just had to get him off the phone.
I hung up with Hudson and waited for Luke to come to the door. As soon as I heard his signature double knock, my heart began to race.
“Luke, hi,” I said as I pulled the door open. “Come in.”
He stared at my lithe frame before settling down on my sofa. He looked distraught, and I could tell he’d been doing some serious thinking.
“Luke,” I said. “I don’t know why you’re here, but I just want to say that I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I screwed up our friendship and what might have been. I know I can never make it up to you. And I know things can never be the way they were before. If I could go back in time and change things, I would.”
He stared up at me, his face contorted into some sort of pained scowl I’d never seen on him before. A tingle ran down my spine, but it was out of fear more than anything else.
“I can hardly look at you,” he said through gritted teeth. “I saw the light on in your apartment. I saw you were still in town, so I just came by to tell you to leave me alone, Brynn.”
“Wait, what?” I asked with an incredulous laugh.
“Don’t come by the bar,” he said. “Don’t call me. Don’t ask Piper about me.”
Piper was such a traitor. I was going to have some words with her.
“Oh, okay,” I said, taken aback.
“Look at you,” he said. “You’re a skeleton. You don’t look anything like the Brynn I know. Just looking at you reminds me of him. It makes me sick.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I’m still me.”
“I’m going to say this only once,” he said. “I don’t want you in my life. You got that? You leave me alone from now on.”
“Luke, you’re just saying that because you’re angry,” I said, trying to soothe him. “You don’t mean it.”
He stood up and let himself out. Within seconds, his red truck was peeling out of my parking lot and rumbling down the street and over the hill, back towards the farm.
I sunk back into my sofa as I realized I would never be able to make it up to Luke. He was gone for good. He was forever going to be out of my life.
I wanted to call Piper, but I was learning that I couldn’t trust her. It was almost like it was Piper and Luke against me, which was crazy because growing up they couldn’t stand each other. I was the common thread that held them together. Nothing was making sense anymore.
The instant Luke left, I didn’t allow myself to cry. Instead, I decided to go for a little drive. I passed my mom’s house and saw that her living room lamp was on, so I stopped in hoping to catch her alone.
She and Tom were snuggled up on the couch watching the ten o’clock news. I could tell Tom was shocked to see me just walking in without calling and so late, but I didn’t care. As far as I was concerned, it was still my house. I lived there a lot longer than he did.
“Brynn,” my mom said as she saw me walk in. “What’s wrong?”
I wanted to cry. I wanted to let loose. But I couldn’t. Not with Tom there.
“Can I talk to you?” I asked. “Alone?”
My eyes shuffled to Tom. I didn’t want to be rude, but I needed my mom.
Tom said nothing as he hoisted himself up and shuffled back to the bedroom and shut the door. That was easy enough.
“Come here,” she said as she patted the seat where Tom was perched before. It was still warm from his body heat. “What’s going on? I thought you were going back to California today?”
It was a little strange going to my mom for advice. We hadn’t been super close for years. She hadn’t been coherent for years. I had no one else to talk to though. Piper was my best friend, but I was sure that relationship was tarnished. I had several acquaintances, but no one I could call if I needed something. They’d all start rumors anyway. The last thing I needed was to have people selling stories to the tabloids about Hudson Smith’s ex.
“I messed up, Mom,” I said as the tears began to fall. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I keep making bad decisions.”
“Oh, honey,” she said as she ran her fingers through my long, chestnut hair. “That’s part of being young.”
“Luke wants nothing to do with me,” I sobbed. “And I just told the man I left Rock River for that I want nothing to do with him. And Piper is being really weird lately.”
“Sounds like your little world is crumbling,” she said. She rubbed my back and it instantly took me back to when I was a little girl and when she was still a good mom. My dad dying so young destroyed her, but somehow Tom was beginning to bring some of that life back into her eyes. “I’m so sorry, sweetie.”
“I got so caught up with Hudson Smith,” I said. “He said all the right things. He did all the right things. He swept me off my feet like no one ever has before. And I fell for it all.”
“What do you mean, you fell for it?” she asked.
“He was spotted out with some model Friday night in New York,” I said. “There are pictures all over the internet.”
“And you know for sure he was stepping out on you?” she asked.
“Well, no,” I said as I bit my lip. “But pictures don’t lie.”
“You can’t believe everything you read,” she said. “And sometimes pictures can be deceiving too.”
“So I should’ve given him the benefit of the doubt?” I asked.
She nodded. “I think so.”
“I didn’t even tell him I wasn’t coming back,” I said. “I just didn’t show up for my flight.”
“Brynn Elizabeth Dawson,” my mom said as she swatted my arm. “I raised you better than that.”
She didn’t raise me at all really. I mostly raised myself. But I wasn’t going to tell her that. I was finally getting the mom back that I’d always wanted. The one I always needed. The one that was hidden underneath a drunk layer of self-loathing and depression.
“What did he do when he realized you didn’t show up?” she asked.
“He took it really hard,” I said.
“Does he still want to be with you?” she asked.
“I think so,” I said. “Yeah.”
“Then go back to him!” my mom exclaimed. “You’re twenty three years old. You’re young. You’re beautiful. I don’t want you to stick around Rock River and wait tables the rest of your life. I don’t want you to be some farmer’s wife. Luke’s a nice enough guy, but he was never good enough for you, Brynn. You would’ve been settling for him.”
I was shocked to hear her say that about Luke. I always thought she loved him, but then again, she seemed to love everyone when she was drunk.
“You never liked Luke?” I asked.
She pursed her lips and scrunched her face. “Not really.”
“Why?” I asked.
“That’s not important,” she said. “What’s important is that you move on with your life. Go back to
that movie star fella and try to fix things. You shouldn’t have skipped out on him, but you can still go back and make things right with him. He doesn’t sound like a jerk. He sounds like a guy who is crazy about you and wants to be with you. Those are the men worth fighting for.”
In my twenty-three years, my mother had never given me advice with such clarity. Everything she said made perfect sense, and I felt closer to her in that moment than I ever had before.
“Thanks, mom,” I said as I wrapped my arms around her. “I feel much better.”
She squeezed me tight, and I loved that she didn’t smell like booze. She smelled like lavender perfume and drugstore hairspray. Just like she did when I was a kid.
I left my mom’s house and went back to the comfort of my apartment. It was almost as if a weight had been lifted, and I felt like I knew exactly what I needed to do. The second I climbed under the covers, I had to call Hudson. I owed him an explanation. I still wasn’t sure if I wanted to go back to LA or not, but I wanted to talk to him. I owed it to him to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Hudson picked up in the middle of the first ring.
“Brynn,” he slurred. “Brynn, what’s going on?”
He was drunk out of his mind, and it had only been an hour or so since we last talked. Hudson was never really a big drinker. He had to have been more upset than I’d realized.
“I’m sorry I ended our conversation so abruptly earlier,” I said.
“Brynn,” he slurred again.
I wasn’t sure if I should have a conversation with him. I wanted him to be coherent and to remember what we were going to talk about.
“You’re drunk, Hudson,” I sighed.
“No, I’m not,” he slurred again.
“Yes,” I said, annoyed. “Yes, you are. I’m going to let you go and talk to you tomorrow when you’re a little more clearheaded.”
“No,” he said. “Don’t let me go, Brynn.”
I sighed. I couldn’t hang up on him again. Who knew what self-destructive measures he would take then? The last thing I wanted was for him to drink himself into a coma.
“I was looking forward to seeing you tonight,” he said. His words washed over me like smooth silk and I instantly remembered why I fell for him. “I had flowers for you. And Flor made this amazing dinner for us. I couldn’t wait to get my hands all over you.”
His words tickled my spine. I just wished he wasn’t drunk out of his mind.
“And tomorrow,” he said. “Tomorrow I was going to fly us to Cabo for a few days. I wanted to take you away from here for a little getaway before I left for my next shoot. Just you and me and the sand and the waves and Coronas and really amazing Mexican food. And you in a bikini.”
Good to know he still had a way with words even in a drunken stupor.
“Please come back, Brynn,” he said. “I need you. I can’t be without you.”
Hudson was fighting for me. Maybe he did cheat on me. Maybe he didn’t. I’d never know. All I knew was that he was fighting for me. He wasn’t giving up. Not yet.
“I love the idea of being with you,” I said. “But the reality of it is hard, Hudson. You understand that, right?”
He sighed a long, drunk, exasperated sigh into the other end of the phone.
“So you only do things that are easy for you?” he slurred. “Is that the kind of person you are?”
“No,” I said, quickly realizing he was pretty spot on.
“It’s not going to be easy being in a relationship with me,” he slurred. “But I promise to make it worth it.”
“That all sounds great,” I said. “In theory.”
“God damn it, Brynn,” he heaved. “I can’t win with you.”
My mother’s words echoed in my head. He wanted to be with me. He was a man worth fighting for. I didn’t understand my resistance. One on hand, I wanted to be with him. Sometimes I wanted him so bad it hurt. But on the other hand, I didn’t want to get hurt. Hudson had the potential to hurt me. Badly.
I wanted to be with Hudson, but the truth was, I was scared. I was scared to have an amazing life with him and have it all pulled out from underneath me. I was scared that someone prettier or more together or more decisive might come along and sweep him off his feet. I was scared he’d leave me in the dust if things got too familiar or boring.
I clearly wasn’t capable of making good decisions. I couldn’t win at this stupid game of life no matter what I did.
“Let me think about it,” I told him. “It’s late here. I need to go to bed.”
Hudson sighed. I knew he didn’t want to let me go.
“Don’t drink anymore, okay?” I pleaded. “Please just sober up a bit and get to bed. We’ll talk more tomorrow.”
“Fine,” he said. “Please, Brynn. Just reconsider this thing we have. It was pretty amazing.”
“Goodnight, Hudson,” I said as I ended the call.
CHAPTER 12
Monday morning I marched straight into the coffee shop to have a word with Piper. I didn’t care that the shop wasn’t empty that day.
“Piper,” I said as I stomped her way. The rampant bitterness in my voice was hard to contain.
The fear on her face said it all. She knew I was ticked. She knew she had it coming.
“What the fuck is going on?” I asked her with my shoulders square.
“Brynn, keep it down,” she said as her eyes scanned the handful of patrons enjoying their morning cups of coffee and newspapers. “I’m working. Why are you still here? I thought you were going back last night?”
“Yeah, plans changed,” I said. “We need to talk.”
“Now?” she asked.
“Yeah, now,” I said with an eye roll. “Luke came by last night.”
“Really?” she said. I had her undivided attention all of a sudden.
“Yep,” I said. “He told me to leave him alone. He also told me to stop asking you about him.”
“Oh,” she said as her cheeks reddened.
“Exactly,” I snipped. “Why would he say that, Piper?”
In all our years of being best friends, I couldn’t remember a single instance where I spoke to Piper with this tone, but I felt that this was well deserved. I couldn’t have been more upset with her.
“Piper, why would he say that,” I rephrased my question. “Huh?”
She shrugged. She didn’t want to give me an answer.
I slammed my hand down on the counter to get her attention again.
“We’ve been talking,” she said in a quiet mutter. “Ever since you left town, he’s been confiding in me.”
“Why? Why you?” I asked. “Is something going on between you two?”
“No,” Piper said as she looked up and stared me straight in the eyes. “It’s not like that at all.”
“Why would you tell him that I ask about him?” I said. “Where’s your loyalty?”
“You didn’t just leave Rock River, you know,” she snipped. “You left us. I guess we talk because we can relate. You were his best friend. You were my best friend. We both feel like we lost you. We both talk about it.”
“Luke hates to talk about his feelings,” I said. “I don’t buy it. Why would he open up to you like that? He rarely ever opened up to me.”
“People change?” she replied. “I don’t know? I don’t have an answer for that.”
I tried to soften up a bit. What Piper was saying made sense, and maybe I was too hard on her?
“I’m sorry for snapping,” I said as I reached for her hand. “I hate fighting with you.”
Her eyes shifted nervously.
“You’re still my best friend,” I said. “Whether or not you accept that.”
She cracked a cautious smile.
“So are you back for good now?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I honestly have no idea what I’m doing. Everything’s just up in the air right now.”
“Oh,” she said. I could sense the disappointment.
“I think I should try to make it work with Hudson,” I said, bracing myself for her opinionated response.
“You probably should,” she said.
Her answer was nothing short of unexpected. I thought she would rather me stick around Rock River.
“Well, I still don’t know what I’m going to do,” I said. “All I know is I’m going to head out to the diner and ask for a few shifts. I need to make some money.”
I waved goodbye to Piper and headed out to the diner to beg for my job back.
***
My heart pounded as I stepped foot into the diner. I’d abandoned my job almost a month ago by slipping a hastily scribbled note under the door and leaving town the next morning with Hudson. It was hardly professional. I’d left them hanging. They didn’t owe me anything.
“Brynn!” I heard Sarah squeal from behind the cash register as I walked in. Thank God she didn’t hate me after what I’d done.
I didn’t realize how much I’d missed her until I saw her smiling face. She was genuinely happy to see me. Out of everyone I’d run into since I’d been home, Sarah had easily been the most excited person to see me. It was both sweet and depressing.
I ran up to her and hugged her tight. She was about ten years my senior and a single mom with two small children. We had absolutely nothing in common besides working together at the diner, but I didn’t realize how good of friends we’d become until that moment.
“It’s so good to see you,” I said.
“I know,” she said. “We were all wondering about you. There are so many rumors going around. And of course we see the pictures on the internet sometimes.”
I smiled and rolled my eyes. “I hope you guys don’t believe everything you hear.”
“Nah,” she said as she swatted her hand. “Don’t worry. We know how you really are. We don’t believe any of the bullshit. Trust me.”
“Good,” I said. “Is Marge here?”
Marge was the owner of the diner. Our boss. She wasn’t the warmest or friendliest person in the world, but if I wanted to get my job back, she was the only person who could make that decision.
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