Marjorie Her War Years

by Patricia Skidmore

  If only she had yelled into the radio that day. Maybe she would not be here now, in this desperate situation. She wished she were dead. Then, with a shudder, she remembered the girl who died last summer. She was only fifteen. They were the same age. No one talked about her. The cottage mother wouldn’t tell them anything. One day she was just gone, and they were supposed to forget about her.[4] Marjorie thought about all the kids on the torpedoed boat. Then she remembered the little boy who died just before they’d brought her to the farm school. Kenny told her about it. Why was she thinking about all these dead kids? It was giving her the creeps. She had it better than they did, didn’t she? She was alive.

  A week or so after she arrived in Victoria, Marjorie was surprised by a letter from her sister Bunny. She turned it over a few times, wondering why it looked different, and then she realized that it was still sealed. She had never had a sealed letter before. She went into her room and ripped open the envelope.

  Dear Marjorie,

  How are you? I miss you so much. I never see Kenny. I hope this letter gets to you. I sent a letter in code, but maybe my code wasn’t good enough because your last letter said that you hadn’t heard anything from me, so I guess my letter didn’t make it. One of the girls from our cottage who is working in Victoria now was visiting for a couple of days, and I asked her to smuggle this letter out to you, and she said she would. It is going to be such a long time before I get to leave here. I don’t know if I can stand it. Four more years is forever. This place is awful without you. I have no one to protect me. My new cottage mother is an old hag. One of the girls went into his cottage, and you know who I mean. I don’t know what happened but something not good. She cried a long time, and no one could get her to stop. Sometimes it is hard, though, because they act so nice and offer you sweets and things, but don’t worry, nothing will get me to go into his cottage. I wish I was with you or that you were still here. I am all alone. I miss you so much.

  Love from your sister, Bunny

  Bunny’s letter added to Marjorie’s distress. She felt a powerlessness that nearly overwhelmed her. She couldn’t help her sister, and her sister couldn’t help her. But an even more pressing issue for her was that she needed to change her placement and was afraid to even ask.

  She wanted to scream, but her training at the Fairbridge Farm School compelled her to suffer in silence. So she tried to settle in, like they told her, but it was in vain. She could no longer willingly accept the things that didn’t seem right. She had to find some courage to tell Mrs. Williams, the after-care mum, to find her another placement. For days now she had been picking up the phone and starting to dial the number, but then she would panic and quickly replace the phone on its cradle. She felt certain that she could talk to Mrs. Williams; she knew she would listen to her, but she was afraid to try. Several times a day she would rehearse what she would say, but it never sounded proper. She had to find the right words. She might have only one shot. She needed to be taken seriously.

  She smiled as she thought about Mrs. Williams. In her final few months at the farm school, the girls in her cottage got a very pleasant surprise in the way of this new cottage mum. Mrs. Williams was just an acting cottage mum, but it was a blessing for everyone to have her there. The girls were apprehensive at first. They had grown to mistrust all cottage mothers, but they soon realized that they had a real gem; she was an angel in disguise. Mrs. Williams was one of the best things that happened for Marjorie during all her Fairbridge years. She needed her now, if she could find the courage to approach her. But it was too bad she wasn’t Bunny’s cottage mum, as then she wouldn’t have to worry so much about her little sister.

  Under the guidance of Mrs. Williams, Marjorie began to relax a little and gain more confidence. Mrs. Williams was her cottage mum when they had the day school closing ceremonies in June. The day was so lovely they held the ceremonies on the lawn. Before that, they were always in the auditorium. Marjorie felt so proud showing off her dress in the dress parade. When they passed the prizes out, Marjorie was shocked to hear her name called, and when she was handed the home economics prize for industry and initiative, she could hardly believe it. She knew it was the encouragement and help from Mrs. Williams that had enabled her to win the prize.[5] That was a grand day. They ended it with folk dancing and singing. Marjorie felt so smart dancing in her new dress. This would be her last day school closing ceremony. After the summer, it was her turn to go to Victoria. She had dreamed of that day, and now, here she was in Victoria, and her newfound confidence was in danger of being shattered.

  Mrs. Williams had left Fairbridge in early September to go back to Victoria and then was appointed the after-care provider for the girls who were working in service. Marjorie kept telling herself that Mrs. Williams was there for the girls to call. Her words were still fresh in her mind: “Now, Marjorie, you have my telephone number in case you need anything. You can call me any time; that is what I’m here for.”

  After several failed attempts, Marjorie got her nerve up on the morning of Christmas Eve. Perhaps it was the thought of spending Christmas Eve without her Fairbridge family or waking up Christmas morning all alone that prompted her. Her employer was napping. She picked up the telephone, and this time she dialled the number right through without hanging up. Mrs. Williams answered. At the sound of her voice, Marjorie fell to pieces. Her carefully rehearsed speech came out all wrong. She tried to tell her how she was feeling, but it was difficult to find the right words. She had grown so used to hiding her feelings that she didn’t know how to tell Mrs. Williams what she was feeling.

  “Mrs. Williams, I just can’t stay here!” Marjorie cried, the tears rolling down her face.

  “Dear, calm down, calm down. You haven’t even identified yourself. With whom am I speaking?” Mrs. Williams’s voice was reassuring. She didn’t sound angry with Marjorie for calling.

  “It’s Marjorie. Marjorie from the farm school. I’m over at Mrs. Kent’s.” Marjorie’s words came out choked.

  “Speak up, Marjorie. I can hardly hear you. Tell me what’s wrong. Has anyone hurt you?” Mrs. Williams knew she needed to calm this girl down before she could get to the bottom of this.

  “No. No, nothing like that. Mrs. Kent is a very nice woman. She’s having a nap right now. I didn’t want to wake her. It’s just that I’m so alone. I can’t do this.” The tears were streaming now, and the sobs were making her more difficult to understand.

  “Marjorie, listen to me! Can you get away for a few hours this afternoon?”

  “I think so. I have my half day today.”

  “Well, can you come to my house for tea, say around three o’clock?”

  “Okay.” Marjorie was getting quieter.

  “Do you know which bus to take?”

  “No.”

  “Okay, write this down. You walk down to the Oak Bay Village and take the Oak Bay bus. You get off at the crossroads of Fort Street and Oak Bay Avenue. Tell the bus driver. I will meet you there at three. Can you do that?”

  “Okay.”

  “Try to be a brave girl, and I’ll see you this afternoon. In the meantime I’ll start looking into other possibilities for you, okay?”

  “Yes, thank you.” Marjorie hung up the phone. She felt much better. She wiped the tears and smiled at how hard it had been for her to call. In the end, it was not so bad. She was going to see Mrs. Williams that very afternoon. She would help her; she just knew it.

  She planned to leave a little earlier this afternoon and walk. She only had enough money to take the bus one way. When she started her job, her mum had told her the farm school would put half of her wages in the Fairbridge savings account. When Marjorie began to protest, her mum assured her that a trust fund would be set up for her, and she would get it all back when she turned twenty-one. She was not happy with that idea. But she was happy at the thought of her freedom and no longer being under the control of Fairbridge
. Nevertheless, it was hard to make seven dollars and fifty cents last the whole month. She supposed the policy might be a good one, though; she would have a nice little nest egg to fall back on when she turned twenty-one. But she didn’t trust the Fairbridge people. They probably wouldn’t give it back to her.

  Marjorie walked down Oak Bay Avenue. As she walked along, she practised what she was going to say. It was important. Mrs. Williams had to listen to her, so she knew she must find just the right words. She needed her to understand that she could not stay another day.

  The walk was taking longer than she expected, so Marjorie ran to the next block. A feeling of panic came over her and she wondered whether she had passed the intersection. Just as she was about to turn around and retrace her steps, she saw Mrs. Williams waving to her. Relief nearly brought her to tears, but she squared her shoulders, forced out a smile and waved back.

  Marjorie sat in Mrs. Williams’ living room. It was a pleasant room, very cozy but crowded. The Christmas tree was the focal point. It towered over one end of the room. Marjorie had never seen anything so prettily decorated. There was so much tinsel that you could hardly see the tree! Mrs. Williams came in with a tray of tea things and saw Marjorie looking at her tree.

  “It’s quite pretty, isn’t it? My sister and I always decorate it together.”

  “It is very pretty.”

  “Let’s have a nice cuppa, and then we’ll talk about things, shall we?” Mrs. Williams set the tray on the coffee table and sat down. “Would you like to pour, dear?”

  Marjorie picked up the teapot. It was a delicate china teapot with a rose pattern on it. She poured two cups and passed one over to Mrs. Williams. They sat quietly, sipping their tea. Marjorie was enjoying the peaceful atmosphere of the room. Then she had a great idea; maybe she could come here. But she was too afraid to ask, so she didn’t say anything. She just waited patiently until Mrs. Williams spoke.

  “Now, Marjorie, as I told you, it is not that easy finding a new placement. We cannot leave Mrs. Kent in the lurch, and especially not at Christmastime, can we? That would not be fair.”

  Marjorie looked at Mrs. Williams, but she didn’t trust her own voice, so she just shook her head.

  “I have started to make some inquiries, but it may take a little while to find something else for you. Can you try extra hard to make it work until I come up with something?”

  “I guess so.” Marjorie’s voice came out in a whisper; she cleared her throat and tried to be brave. “I’m just not suited for it. The loneliness just wraps itself around me, especially in the evenings, and I feel like I can’t breathe. I wake up every night having nightmares. Sometimes my heart is pounding so hard I think I’m going to have a heart attack. I can’t relax. I’m all alone.” Marjorie’s voice was getting higher, and the tears were making their way down her face. “It’s too quiet. I’m not used to so much quiet.” She sobbed.

  Marjorie was trying her best to tell Mrs. Williams how she was feeling, but she didn’t think her words really conveyed how desperately alone she felt. She had spent the last several years at Fairbridge hiding her real feelings. It wasn’t easy for her to understand her feelings now, except that she knew she would have to run away somewhere if Mrs. Williams forced her to stay. But where would she go?

  Mrs. Williams could see that this was not a case of the girl trying to get out of her work. She was desperate. “Marjorie, here’s a tissue. It may take me a little while, but I promise I will do my best. Because it is Christmastime, I may not be able to do anything until after the new year. Can you try to make it until then?” Mrs. Williams reached over and patted Marjorie’s arm.

  A look of alarm spread across Marjorie’s face.

  “Marjorie, try to make the best of it for now.”

  “Can’t I go back to the farm for Christmas? I miss my sister and my brother, and we have never been apart at Christmas. I’ve always had some of my family around.”[6] Marjorie thought that she couldn’t go back to Mrs. Kent’s even for a moment. She had been full of hope that Mrs. Williams would understand that she needed to get away, now, today. She had even started to pack up her few belongings. She’d stopped, though, because she didn’t want to jinx her chances.

  “I’m afraid that wouldn’t work. Mrs. Kent is counting on you. You must try to be a brave girl and stay there for now. Please give it a try, Marjorie.”

  “Okay, I’ll try. But do you promise me that you’ll find me another place?”

  “Yes. I will do my best.” Mrs. Williams stood up and hugged Marjorie.

  Marjorie knew she would have a hard time being brave. All she could think of was sitting alone in her room on Christmas Eve and waking up all alone on Christmas morning. She was surprised that she missed the farm school so much. She wished that Bunny and Kenny could be here with her.

  On the bus ride back, Marjorie went over the afternoon again. She thought about the promises that she’d made to herself on the walk up Oak Bay Avenue, that if Mrs. Williams didn’t help her get away today, she would just run away. It was funny how childish that sounded now. Where would she go, anyway? She smiled to herself. She felt so much better now that she had talked to Mrs. Williams. Mrs. Williams didn’t call her names and tell her that she was ungrateful, like her old cottage mum always did. Having this little bit of control helped Marjorie to hope she might be able to change the direction of her life. It felt good, even if she would have to wait it out a bit. Maybe it would not be so bad working in service if she could have a little say over some of the things that affected her life. She knew that the most important thing was that she had to survive. She must not let them break her, because one day she would not have to answer to them any longer. She would truly be on her own and be her own person. Then she could start saving up and go back and find her family. Yes, she needed to survive so she could go find her family.

  Marjorie got ready for bed that evening feeling more positive about things. She trusted Mrs. Williams to help her. After she returned, it surprised her when Mrs. Kent put the phone down and said that she had been talking to Mrs. Williams, and it was all arranged for her to go visit her sister and brother at the school right after Christmas. The phone call was a sign that Mrs. Williams really cared. Marjorie knew she would find another placement for her. She looked around. She would miss her lovely room, but instead of being a haven for her over the past few weeks, it was more like a prison.

  It was Christmas Eve. Her very first one all on her own. Getting away was all she had thought about for so long, and now that she was away, it wasn’t at all like she’d thought it would be. She still longed to go back home, however unrealistic that had become. Last fall one of the little girls received a letter from her mother, asking her daughter what she wanted for Christmas. She showed Marjorie her letter before she sent it to her mum: “Dear Mum, All I want is to see you.”[7] That is all she said. Those few words said it all. Marjorie had thought of that letter many times since then, wishing and hoping for a day when that might come true for both of them.

  Jeannie’s Christmas letter to her mother.

  A tear struggled down Marjorie’s cheek, but she brushed it away. She could make it a special Christmas Eve, one to remember, or she could just mope and wish for things that were not meant to be. She decided to write a letter in her head to her mum. She had given that up ages ago, when she lost hope, but she felt different tonight. Writing a letter would make the time pass pleasantly and ease her loneliness. She hummed to herself as she tidied up a few things. She sat back on her bed, feeling stunned. Where did that song suddenly come from? It was her mum’s favourite song, “Red Sails in the Sunset.” She used to sing it all the time. She hummed a little more and then tried to remember the words: Carry my loved one home safely to me.[8]

  She couldn’t remember all the words, but she suddenly had such a clear picture of her mum as she used to sing the song to her and her brothers and sisters. He
r heart was filled with joy at this memory. What a special Christmas Eve. She curled up in her chair and began her letter.

  Dear Mum. No, she would write to Joyce, too. Dear Mum and Joyce. No! She would include everyone. No wait! She excitedly jumped up and opened her drawer. She had not touched last year’s Christmas present. It was some stationery. She no longer had to worry about hiding her letters from her cottage mother, so she took her pen, sat down at her table, and wrote.

  Dear Mum and Joyce and Phyllis, Jean, Lawrence, Fred and Norman, and even the new baby, Richard,

  I’m sorry that I haven’t written for so long. It’s Christmas Eve, and I’m feeling pretty lonely, so I thought I would write you a letter. I’m working here in Victoria for a nice lady, but it’s too lonely for me. I miss Bunny and Kenny, and I even miss the farm school. I’m not happy right now, but I have a wonderful friend who is going to help me find another place to work. I trust she will do this.

  I will tell you about some of the Christmases at Fairbridge. Every Christmas they allowed all the kids to pick out a gift worth one dollar from the Sears catalogue. (Oh, did you know that Fairbridge, and I guess Canada, has dollars and cents and not pounds and pence and ha’pennies and farthings?) Anyway, we picked out the present we wanted quite a long time before Christmas, so when Christmas came most of us had forgotten what we had picked out and it came as a big surprise. Last year I picked stationery, and I just found it, so I am writing my letter to you on it.

  Maybe I should start at the beginning. On Christmas morning when the bell chimed, we would all wake up and get our stockings from the fireplace. We always had a lot of things in there, such as nuts and oranges and candy and small things, like jacks or marbles. I always saved my orange for Kenny because one of the bigger boys always took his. He never wanted to take mine, but I told him a white lie and said that I didn’t like oranges. Usually we had breakfast in the dining hall but not on holidays and weekends. So for Christmas morning we had a bowl of porridge or a bowl of puffed wheat, and some kids had toast and peanut butter. We always had more choices on Christmas. The cottages get huge bags of puffed wheat all the time and enormous thirty-pound pails of peanut butter. But I should tell you that the night before Christmas we sang carols. Then we had a special Christmas Day communion service first thing in the morning before breakfast, and it was special because we decorated the whole chapel with cedar boughs and wreaths, and we put holly on the font. It was very lovely, and all the kids were really excited about the whole day. Then the trainee girls helped with the Christmas dinner, and last year we cooked twenty turkeys! We all took turns stirring the Christmas puddings, and most of us tossed in a wish. I hope I get my wish because I am still waiting and it has almost been a year, but I can’t tell you my wish because it might not come true, and I really, really want it to come true. Then we decorated the tables. First we covered the centre with red, green, or white paper, and then we put Yule logs with candles stuck in them on each end. We put some moss around the logs and then sprinkled imitation snow around the logs. To top it off, we put a few cedar branches in the centre of the table. There are loads of cedar trees around here, and it gives off such a lovely smell.