Hopeful

by Louise Bay

  I woke the next morning to the sounds of horns. Living in central London did have some downsides. I shot upright to see if Joel was still beside me. There was no sign of him.

  Shit, shit, shit. How would I handle this?

  I rushed to the bathroom, and despite my intention to leave as soon as possible, I was seduced by what was an amazing shower and an array of super-expensive shampoos, washes, and scrubs. It smelled like a spa. I had to get myself a housekeeper!

  It felt good to properly wash my face. It still felt swollen from last night’s tears. God, I felt stupid. I wish he hadn’t seen me like that.

  I found a hairdryer and pulled my makeup out of my bag. I wanted to look a bit more put together than when Joel had last seen me. I wondered how he would be with me this morning. Would he be more than indifferent?

  I gathered my things, took a deep breath, and headed out to the living area. I didn’t hear any noises. There were no signs of Joel.

  Oh.

  Should I just go? Looking around for a pen and notepad, I spotted a note on the breakfast bar.

  A,

  Help yourself to breakfast. I’ve gone to the office for the day. The door just pulls shut.

  J.

  The irony of the situation wasn’t lost on me. I didn’t tell him why I was crying last night, and today he’d left me to go to work.

  Past

  “So, only two weeks until the end of term,” Joel said on our way back from the library.

  “Yeah, it’s gone so fast.” I was going to miss him. I usually loved Christmas, but four weeks without Joel seemed like it might be the worst of all worlds.

  “Have you got plans?” he asked.

  “Well, I have my thesis to work on, and we always spend Christmas Day and Boxing Day with my grandparents. So I guess I’ll be doing that.”

  “And New Year’s Eve?”

  “I don’t know.” I hadn’t wanted to think about the holidays. I wanted to be right here.

  “You want to come to mine?” he asked.

  “I have to go back. I told you Hanna, Jules, and I have that girls’ night out.”

  “I don’t mean tonight. I mean

  for New Year’s Eve.”

  I stopped dead in the middle of the path and tried not to grin the biggest grin in history.

  Joel was looking at me, trying to gauge my reaction, and I peeked out under my lashes at him, “To your parents place?”

  “Yeah. They’ll be away, cruising.”

  “So, we’ll be alone?” I started walking again, trying to work out what this meant.

  “Yeah, my brother is going up to see his girlfriend. I thought you would want to come and see me. Are you scared to be alone with me?” Joel laughed.

  Girlfriend …

  It wasn’t that I was scared to be alone with him, but there was something making me feel uncomfortable … and warm and weird and just perfect.

  “Sure. OK.”

  “OK. So, good.”

  “Ok.” I bumped him with my hip.

  “Ok, loser.”

  We grinned at each other.

  “Hey, Joel!” Adam was shouting out of his bedroom window. Joel raised a hand at him and we headed inside. I took my rucksack from Joel and deliberately brushed my hand against his arm. He looked at me; I smiled back.

  “Joel!” Adam sang from somewhere upstairs.

  “Coming.” Joel headed up the stairs to Adam’s room on the floor above mine.

  Part of me desperately wanted to kiss him goodbye, but I knew I couldn’t. I had to keep him, us, about him and us.

  Jules tumbled into my room shortly after with her hair rollers and a romper on. I was lying on my bed, contemplating Joel and his question to me.

  “What are you wearing?” I asked.

  “These are my nightclothes. I like them!”

  “Tonight, Jules. What are you wearing tonight?” I rolled my eyes.

  “Oh, that red dress I have.” I knew the red dress. It always got Jules plenty of attention, that was for sure. “What are you wearing?”

  “Jeans, I think?”

  “Jeans? You are not wearing jeans. You are never going to get laid wearing jeans.”

  Unlike Jules, I was not man-hunting tonight. I had my man. But of course she didn’t know that. “They’re comfortable, and I don’t really have anything else.”

  “Well, I’m going to make you wear that strapless black dress I have. It will look fantastic on you.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. My boobs will never fit in that thing.”

  “There’s no need to show off, and yes they will, because the material is stretchy. Hang on, I’ll go and get it. Have you had a shower? Come on!”

  Nights like this were an endurance test for me. I didn’t enjoy being in noisy bars surrounded by pounding music and drunk guys. I was used to all three individually, but all together was just too much. I wasn’t expecting to have fun tonight, but we were going to cheer up Hanna who had had a huge argument with Matt.

  I forced myself into the shower and then into Jules’ black dress. About an hour later we were ready to go. We were meeting there, and we were running late.

  Adam and Joel were coming downstairs when we stumbled out of my bedroom, dressed to the nines.

  “Holy fuck, girls. You look half-decent for once. You might not die old maids,” Adam snarked.

  I left Jules to retaliate. I was too busy grinning at Joel to engage with Adam. His eyes were wide as he took me in.

  Jules and Adam started to bicker and Joel and I were left grinning at each other.

  Joel cocked his head. “Seriously?” he said.

  I scrunched my eyebrows in confusion.

  “Come on, Ava. I’m not listening to this small-dicked weasel a moment longer,” Jules said.

  I was dragged by the arm out into the evening. On my way across the quad, I briefly turned to look back at Joel, who was staring right back at me.

  Seriously? Maybe I looked ridiculous.

  Before we’d even gotten to the bar, someone had asked for Jules’ number as we were getting out of our cab. She swatted him away, and we found Hanna inside being chatted up by the bartender.

  “How’s Matt?” I asked as I leaned in to kiss her cheek.

  “Annoying.”

  “So ditch him. We’re going to find ourselves some hotties tonight.” Jules leaned over the bar, all her assets on show, and ordered six shots. I was going to pay for this tomorrow.

  My phone buzzed against my hip and I grabbed it from my purse.

  Seriously? J

  My stomach flipped.

  Seriously, what? A

  Why did he keep saying that?

  Seriously, you’re going to dress like that and then not spend the evening with me? Seriously, you’re going to look like that and not let me touch you? Seriously, you’re going to look at me like that and then leave me and my hard on to spend the evening with Adam? Seriously? J

  I giggled.

  “What are you laughing about? Who are you texting?”

  “No one. Just watching that guy crash and burn over there with that girl,” I said. Jules was easy to distract with gossip.

  I liked the fact that Joel wanted me to spend the evening with him, wanted to touch me. I wanted to be with him now. I went to the restrooms and texted back.

  Ahhhh … Seriously. A

  You are enough to drive an economist wild. J

  Wow, the mother of all compliments. A

  Know it. J <3

  I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. It made the evening almost bearable. The fact that Joel would be thinking of me all night, the fact that he made me feel like I looked good, the fact that I had a plan. I relaxed, and instead of pretending to have fun, I realized I was actually having fun. When Hanna came back with shots five and six for us, I realized that I was going to have to be creative if I was going to see my plan through.

  “Jules, it’s your song?” I yelled through the opening bars of “Don’t Cha.”
<
br />   “I love this song! Let’s dance!” she yelled back.

  “You two dance, I’ll stay here with our drinks.” I shooed Jules and Hanna away.

  They slunk off to the dance floor, followed by most of the male eyes in the house. Plenty of them were clearly wishing they had girlfriends that were hot like them.

  I pulled my phone out.

  Text me when you’re back at your place? A

  Straight away my phone buzzed. Glancing up at Hanna and Jules, they were giving the guys a show—Jules was grinding her way around the dance floor, writhing suggestively around Hanna.

  Sure. Just heading there now. We’re done here. You ok? J

  I looked at my watch. It was a little past 11. I loved my girls, but I wanted to be with Joel.

  Checking that someone else had Jules and Hanna’s attention, I surreptitiously poured two shots into the champagne bucket on the table next to us and put the empty glasses in front of me.

  ”Don’t Cha” gave way to ”Hung Up,” and Hanna and Jules kept dancing. One guy in particular was trying to get Jules’ attention and he was half-succeeding. He was a good dancer, and although he wasn’t dancing with her, he took several opportunities to talk to her, which of course meant his mouth got very close to her ear. She rewarded him intermittently with a giggle or a flirtatious look but kept dancing with Hanna, who had her own admirers. Eventually, Jules grabbed Hanna’s hand and pulled her off the dance floor back toward me.

  “You girls were showing them how it’s done!” I yelled.

  “Your turn next, babe,” Hanna smiled.

  Jules sat and without saying anything did the two shots in front of her, one straight after the other.

  “Come on, Hanna. You’re the only one with a drink. These boys need to feel useful, help them out.”

  Jules’ good dancer was wandering in our direction with a couple of friends in tow. Hanna dutifully downed her shots and by the time Good Dancer and his friends arrived at our table to offer to buy us drinks, we all accepted without looking like we were too interested.

  “Sure. If you like. We’re drinking vodka,” was Jules’ cool response.

  This was a perfect opportunity before Jules lost interest in Good Dancer and Hanna started to worry about getting home to Matt.

  “Girls, I’m going to head off. Those drinks went straight to my head.”

  “Don’t go!” they yelled simultaneously and started pawing at me as I stood up. “We don’t get to do this very often, Ava. Stay,” Hanna persisted. Normally, Hanna saying in her oh-so-sweet voice would work on me. I would have given in and taken another shot. But I had other plans.

  Chapter Seven

  Present

  “You know Ava locked herself out last night?” Matt said. I was listening to the conversation between the three of them, all of their eyes glued to the Xbox, mine glued to the index of the recipe book I was trying to find coulibiac in for Hanna.

  “Shit. I have a set of keys but I left my phone at Joel’s,” Adam said.

  “Yeah, she came around this morning to get our spare set,” Matt continued.

  Where was this going? Why was my locking myself out so interesting?

  “Right,” Adam said. “What? Where did she stay last night?” Joel’s eyes flicked to mine and I went back to the recipe book.

  “A friend’s,” Matt said, raising his eyebrows at a confused Adam.

  “Did you finally get laid last night?” Adam bellowed across the kitchen.

  Jules and Hanna stopped talking and looked back at the boys. I kept my head in the book.

  “What are you screeching at, Adam, you pig?” Jules screeched back.

  “Ava got laid last night,” Adam said. This was getting out of hand. I wish Adam and Matt could keep out of my love life.

  “She did not. Did you, Ava?” asked Jules. I met Joel’s eyes again. Should I say that I stayed at his? Nothing happened. Was he going to say something? Did I want him to say something?

  “No, I didn’t get laid last night.”

  “You see. I told you.” Jules was happy to be right about my lack of sex life, again.

  “So where did you stay?” Adam asked.

  “Ask Matt, he seems to know everything about me, apparently.” I slipped off my stool and went to the restroom. Jesus, I hope they were over this by the time I came back.

  Apparently, they were. When I came back, they were ensconced around the Xbox again and Jules was lying on the back of the sofa behind Joel. Too close to him. She was asking questions about the game and giggling and generally annoying the shit out of me. This was ridiculous.

  “I’m off,” I announced.

  Hanna and Matt were having Matt’s boss and his wife over for supper, so I knew Hanna must be stressed. It was the perfect excuse to get the hell out of there.

  “Are you out tonight?” Jules asked from her reclining pose on the sofa.

  “Yup, dinner with Will.”

  “Wanna hang out tomorrow? I need to pick out a sexy date outfit for Tuesday night with this hunk,” she said, her hands roaming across Joel’s back. Joel seemed oblivious—or maybe that was wishful thinking on my part.

  “Maybe, I’ll text you.” I let my eyes wander to Joel but he was concentrating on the screen in front of him. Should I have said something? He was going to think nothing had changed. Did it matter if it had?

  I texted Will on the way home. I couldn’t face dinner with him tonight.

  Past

  I knocked at Joel’s door, having touched up my makeup in the cab. No answer. He hadn’t texted to say he had made it home, but his last text said he was heading back. Maybe he changed his mind. I tried again. I saw a figure behind the frost glass in the door, heard some rustling, and then keys in the lock.

  “Hey, you.” I grinned at him, hoping he didn’t think I was drunk. I had been careful not to drink too much. I wanted to be fully conscious.

  “This is a nice surprise.” He grinned. “I was just texting you to say I’d got home. I’d have stayed home all night if I’d known you were coming.” He opened the door wide and in my very high shoes I teetered inside.

  “You say the nicest things.” I laced my fingers through his and lent into him, holding my body against his. “My shoes are very high and my dress is very tight.” I mock-scowled.

  “I noticed.”

  “Feel how tight it is.” I brought his hands to my waist as he walked me backward toward the kitchen.

  “It feels perfect,” he said as he ran his hands down my bottom to the skirt of the too-short dress, tracing the hem around my thighs. Then he stopped abruptly and busied himself in one of the cupboards.

  “I think I need to lie down. The shoes, the dress.” I sighed and pushed my hands down my body, carving out my silhouette.

  His eyes flicked toward me but he didn’t say anything. He just grinned to himself, found some water glasses, and headed across the hall to his bedroom. I followed and crawled across his bed on my stomach, flicking my feet in the air and crossing my ankles.

  “Could you take my shoes off for me?” I asked, my eyes following him around the room. His smile hadn’t left.

  “Are you sure? I rather like them on.” He came around behind me and reached for my foot. He bent and kissed the inside of each ankle. I swiveled onto my back and rested on my elbows, my feet in his hands.

  “You do?” I asked.

  “Of course I do.”

  “It’s just this dress is so tight.”

  “You’ve mentioned that.” He arched his eyebrow.

  “Perhaps you could just unzip it a bit. It might make it a little easier.”

  “I could do that. Just to make it a little easier,” he whispered as he brought himself up on the bed, straddling my body. I put my arms over my head, revealing the zipper in the side of the dress.

  He brought his hand to the bottom of the dress and trailed it up to my waist, up higher, pausing to briefly to cup my boob. I arched into him, but he ignored me and moved his hand to th
e top of the zipper. He pulled it down an inch.

  “Is that better?” His eyes had darkened.

  “A bit more.” I bit my lip to stifle a grin.

  “More? That dress must be really tight, baby.” Without his eyes leaving mine, he unzipped another inch. I stayed silent.

  “More?”

  I nodded.

  Slowly, tantalizingly, he pulled the zipper down as far as it would go and then trailed his finger back up the path on my naked skin. I rolled to my side, allowing his fingers better access. He bent toward me and started kissing the line of exposed flesh. Small, delicate kisses that set my skin alight. I loved the way his stubble grazed me slightly every now and then, reminding me of his masculinity, as if I could forget. His hands stroked my thighs, shifting my dress higher and higher. I moved onto my stomach and he pulled the fabric away from my body, revealing my back.

  “Your skin is so soft,” he said, bending and kissing my back.

  “It feels good to be kissed like that.”

  He brushed my hair away from my back and his kisses started again raining down, tracing the lines of my shoulder blades, right up my neck and down my spine, lower and lower until he reached the edge of my dress. He didn’t try to remove it, he just occupied himself with the flesh on display. My entire body was shivering from desire. Did he feel this?

  I gently twisted under him to lie on my back. His kisses didn’t stop; he licked the top of my breasts just above the fabric. My hands found the back of his head and I urged him lower.

  Then he stopped, and abruptly fell to the bed on his back, his hand finding mine.

  “Jesus, Ava.”

  “Hey. I was enjoying that.” I went to reach across for his torso and he pulled away before I reached him.

  “You’re going to have to give me a minute. I need to cool down.”

  I frowned.

  I kneeled over him and stroked his taught stomach under his T-shirt. “I like you hot.”

  Joel growled and grabbed both arms, flipped me to my back, and pushed my arms to above my head.

  “Seriously?”

  “Yes, seriously. I like you hot!”

  “Ava, seriously, how am I meant to keep things between us on a certain level if you come back to my place, dressed like this, looking like this, saying things like that?”