Hopeful

by Louise Bay

  “OK. So back to me. That hot waiter gave me his number,” Jules squealed.

  “Which waiter?” I’d barely registered we’d eaten, let alone done a hotness survey on the staff. “I thought you were totally into Joel.”

  “Joel who? Did you see the ass on our waiter? Anyway, Joel behaved like a prick tonight. He was way too drunk and grouchy as hell. No wonder he’s friends with Adam. I’m done with him.”

  “You are?”

  “Well tonight I am. I have Jackson’s number!”

  I had a brief reprieve. “The waiter’s name was Jackson?”

  “That’s what I’m calling him. I don’t know what his actual name is.”

  We giggled, and having confessed my sins to Jules and knowing she wasn’t with Joel, we said our goodbyes and I drifted off to sleep.

  Past

  We changed after spending New Year together at Joel’s. I didn’t change, Joel didn’t change, but we did. The mutual declaration of our feelings and the time we spent together, just him and me, shifted something. It made me more confident in his feelings for me. But it wasn’t just the words that made me feel that way. It was the way I’d catch him smiling at me when he didn’t think I couldn’t see. The way he had to touch me whenever he got the chance. The way that he knew what I wanted before I wanted it. Just before I got cold, he brought me a blanket. Just before I got thirsty, he offered me a drink. We were connected. For infinity.

  “I can’t wait to see you,” I said into the phone.

  I extended my stay with Joel, but eventually I had to go back to my parents’ to organize myself for the new semester.

  “I can’t wait to see you,” he replied.

  “It’s only been three days,” I said. We were being ridiculous.

  “I know. I’ve missed you.”

  “I’ve missed you.”

  “So first night back is Adam’s 21st.” He reminded.

  “Oh, yes. I’d forgotten.”

  Adam had been banging on about his 21st forever. He said no one ever wanted to celebrate his birthday because it came so soon after Christmas, so this year he was going to make up for all the birthdays he didn’t feel had been celebrated properly. Great. I just wanted to spend my evening, every evening, with Joel.

  “So I’ll see you in the Union bar at 2 p.m.?”

  “We’re starting at 2 p.m.?”

  “Yup.”

  “Holy fuck.”

  “Yup. Wear something sexy.”

  I laughed. “Like what? It will be 2 p.m. in the afternoon in the Union bar, where the tables will be unwiped and the floor will be sticky with last semester’s beer. You want me in a tight skirt and stilettos? I’ll look like the hired stripper.”

  “I always want you, whatever you wear, even if you don’t make it as a lawyer and you have to become a stripper.”

  “Right answer, l think.”

  Joel laughed. “You make everything sexy. So I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Ok.”

  “Ok.” he parroted.

  “Ok, loser.”

  “For infinity,” he said

  I grinned. “For infinity.”

  ***

  “I’m not waiting any longer for you. We’ll see you up there,” Adam said.

  He was raging. Hanna and I wanted to unpack properly before we started drinking. I didn’t think it was so unreasonable. Even Jules, who was never concerned with being organized, was still rearranging her wardrobe.

  “We won’t be long. You boys can manage without us for half an hour or so, can’t you?” Hanna was trying to reason with Adam, which never worked. It was best just to ignore him.

  “Whatever. I told Joel I’d be there at 2 p.m., so I’m off. Are you coming, guys?”

  Adam headed out and Matt and Daniel trailed behind him.

  I was as keen as the next person to be up at the Union bar but even I could wait 30 minutes.

  “You look nice.” Jules turned to me as we headed out.

  “Thanks,” I said, grinning like a crazy person. I couldn’t wait to see him. I’d resisted the short skirt and stilettos, but I had put on some kitten heels with my jeans and worn a low cut top instead of my favorite, hand knitted sweater that I probably would have worn if I wasn’t seeing Joel.

  After we reached the Union bar, I stood on tiptoe to look over Jules’ shoulder, trying to catch my first glimpse of him.

  There he was. Leaning over the pool table about to make a shot.

  I had to chew on my thumb to disguise my smile. I loved the jeans he was wearing. They were my favorite. They clung in just the right places, and they were lower on the hips than some of his others, which meant as he leaned over the pool table there was an exposed inch of flesh above his waistband for me to imagine my fingers running over. I brought my fingers to my throat. Infinity. I hadn’t taken it off since he gave it to me. I slept in it and showered in it. I glanced at his arms reaching across the table and saw his leather-wrapped wrist.

  As if he sensed me watching, he grinned, made the shot, and then turned straight toward me as if he knew exactly where I’d be standing. He held my gaze until I looked away.

  Over Christmas, we’d never spoken about being more public with our relationship. I didn’t think about it. I wondered if Joel had. What was he expecting?

  I waved at Daniel, who Joel was playing pool with, but was interrupted by Matt grabbing me and hugging me. Everyone was in such a good mood, including me.

  We headed over to the bar and started to order drinks. I felt Joel come up behind me.

  “Hey,” he whispered in my ear. I turned and put my arms around him and pulled him close.

  “I thought I was the one supposed to be the one who dressed sexy today?” I whispered in his ear.

  “You did.” His hand slid to my ass. “But I like that you think I did.” I wriggled away from him, hoping that everyone didn’t spot his hand and thought we were just having a welcome-back hug.

  Joel fingered the infinity symbol and nodded almost imperceptibly.

  Jules was hugging everyone and Joel and I got pushed apart in the ruckus. Adam was clearly pleased that everyone had made it out to celebrate with him, and he wasted no time in getting drinks in for everyone.

  Hanna and I sat down at a table close to the boys playing pool. It was a wooden booth with padded seats that had seen better days. The Union bar was not the most glamorous place in the world, in fact it probably was one of the least glamorous places in England, but with all my favorite people in it, it felt like home.

  “You look happy,” Hanna said.

  I looked at Joel. “I am. What about you and Matt? You guys seem happy.”

  “We are. He’s my best friend. You know?”

  I nodded. I knew what she meant. Joel and I hadn’t been seeing each other for as long as she and Matt, but the connection that she and Matt had, I appreciated more than ever before. I was truly happy that she might be as happy as I was.

  Jules was flirting with Daniel. Daniel didn’t seem to even notice. Daniel was too focused on the pool game. Jules had such a thick skin that his lack of reciprocation didn’t seem to affect her at all. She just moved onto Joel. She stroked his arm as he stood waiting for Daniel to take his shot, with his pool cue between his legs. I wondered how he would react. Would he flirt back? I think it might kill me a little if he did, even though I was sure of his feelings for me. But he didn’t react, he didn’t move, he didn’t brush her off, he didn’t do anything. I knew Jules well enough to know that that wasn’t much of a disincentive to her. She would just up her game.

  I was right. Daniel made his shot, lost, and Joel started to circle the table, looking for his next shot. Jules followed him. He squatted down to see the table at a different angle and Jules squatted with him and, accidently-on-purpose she lost her balance and used Joel’s body to steady herself.

  “Adam, Jules needs some looking after. I think the alcohol is taking its toll already,” Joel said as he stood upright abruptly, and walked away
from a slightly shell-shocked Jules. There’d been no doubt that he wasn’t interested. He looked over at me and rolled his eyes. I loved him just a little bit more at that moment, if that was even possible.

  At various points throughout the afternoon, Joel and I managed a few private moments together. He sat next to me at our table for a few minutes when he lost his pool game to Daniel. He arm went around the back of the bench on which we were sitting, behind me. It felt like a thing a couple would do, it felt nice. His leg brushed against mine and I felt a heat within me. I was desperate to reach across and breathe him in, to stroke his leg, to kiss him.

  What was stopping me? Joel wanted me. That was enough wasn’t it? Did it matter that people would think I wasn’t good enough for him? How much pressure could that put on our relationship? ‘Infinity’, right?

  I brought my hands to my lap and brushed his knee with my fingers. He stopped mid-flow of whatever it was he was chatting to Matt about, closed his eyes, turned his head to me, and opened his eyes. They were burning. He wanted me. Right then, I knew if I asked him to take me home that moment, it would be all he wanted to do. With just a slight touch of my hand I’d ignited something in him. It was such a powerful feeling.

  “Joel?”

  I broke our gaze and looked at Matt, who had clearly just asked Joel a question or his opinion on something.

  “Yeah, I agree mate.”

  I wasn’t sure what he just agreed with. I wasn’t sure that Joel knew what he just agreed with, but it broke the spell between us, and Joel excused himself to go to the restroom.

  ***

  We finally left the Union bar late into the evening and managed to make it to our local club. It was packed, typical for a first night back. Tonight I couldn’t wait to get to the dance floor. I was euphoric. Jules and Hanna clearly felt the same—we headed to the dance floor as soon as we got inside the club.

  I turned my head to check Joel was behind us, and he was watching me try to find him. He nodded in the direction of the bar, letting me know where he’d be when we were done. I didn’t want to lose him, in any sense, tonight. Last time we’d been out like this, we ended up having a fight. I didn’t want that to happen again. I would make sure no one touched me except Joel tonight.

  Dance music was throbbing through the floors and walls of the club. It wasn’t normally my type of music, but I was desperate to work off the extra energy I had. Jules, Hanna, and I formed a tight triangle and started to move to the beat of the music. The monotony of the music allowed me to empty my mind of what was going on around me. I just concentrated on my limbs and the music. A thin layer of sweat formed over my skin and I lifted my hair to feel air on my neck, never losing the rhythm.

  One tune morphed into another and another until Jules brought me back to reality with a hand on my shoulder. She mimed a drink and pointed at the bar. I pointed down toward the dance floor indicating I was staying put. She and Hanna were swallowed up by the crowd.

  Not even a second later I felt a hand on my waist and I spun around, ready to slap someone, but I came face to face with Joel. My heart melted and my pulse quickened. He pushed his knee between my thighs and pulled my bottom toward him. He knew exactly what to do to me. He licked his lips and I was mesmerized by them. I knew what they could do.

  The combination of the alcohol, the music, the tightly packed bodies and Joel—most importantly Joel—set me alight. I pushed my palms up his chest and pulled my hands around his neck, moving up and down on his thigh. He felt so good. I’d missed him. I’d not seen him in nearly a week and it was too long. He gazed at me and the rest of the people on the dance floor melted away. It was just Joel and me in our bubble.

  I wanted him as turned on as I was so I slid around in his arms so my back was against his chest. He brought his hands to my hips and as he did I circled my bottom in time to the music, pressing against his denim. He responded by pulling my hips closer, letting me feel his growing desire for me. I wanted to be naked right then. Naked and in private so all the fantasies that were crowding my head could become a reality. I put my hands over Joel’s and we continued to move like that, in perfect time, the tension between us building minute by minute.

  I felt Joel’s breath on my neck and then the slightest feel of his lips on my shoulder. I felt him trying to hold himself back and I gasped. Knowing he wanted me as much as I wanted him was the biggest turn on. This beautiful man behind me was mine. The sounds I could elicit from him, the way his eyes would beg for my body so his mouth never had to, it made me feel so powerful, and sexy. I didn’t care who saw us, who knew. Joel wanted me and I wanted him, and that was enough.

  I turned in his arms again and pulled his head down and kissed him, quickly slipping my tongue between his lips. He hesitated for a second before returning my kiss as if a dam burst. His tongue pushed against mine, delving deeper, wanting more. He reached behind me and pulled me up and I brought my legs around his waist, not breaking our kiss. My hair fell like curtains around us and our mouths were hidden. I felt Joel start walking but I couldn’t break away from our kiss to find out where he was taking us. Then I felt a wall behind me and Joel pressed me against it with his hips.

  “Jesus, I’m going to take you right here if we don’t leave now,” he growled against my neck and circled his hips, his erection digging into me.

  My hand reached for his cock that I could feel hard between my legs and he pulled away sharply.

  “Seriously. If you don’t want to be fucked against that wall then—”

  He didn’t finish his sentence. He just pulled me by the hand and marched through the crowds, me trailing behind him, having to run every couple of steps so I kept up with him. He was a man on a mission, a mission to fuck me senseless.

  “Joel, what about the others?” We hadn’t told anyone we were leaving.

  “I don’t give a shit about anything but getting inside you.”

  He practically shoved me into a cab and clamored on top of me, pushing his hands against my breasts.

  “Joel.” I tried to push him off me. Despite the mixture of alcohol and desire coursing through me, I was embarrassed about PDAing in front of the cab driver. Joel relented and threw himself back in his seat.

  He leaned forward. “How long until we get there?” he asked the cab driver. He was being ridiculous. It was a five minute cab ride to his house.

  “It’s five minutes away, unless you get your dick out and then I’m taking you straight to the police station.”

  I giggled. Joel scowled at me and then started to laugh with me. He pulled me toward him and planted a kiss on my head.

  “I forget myself when I’m around you, Ava.”

  Chapter Eleven

  Present

  The morning after the disastrous “introduce Will to my friends and then dump him” dinner, we were supposed to be meeting for a girls’ brunch at a hotel on Aldwych—Hanna, Jules, and me. I presumed that we would be required to dissect the night before, more particularly my breakup with Will. Hanna had arranged it, and it had seemed harmless enough at the time. At that precise moment it was the last thing I ever wanted to do.

  I felt terrible for leading Will on. He was a lovely guy. It really was a case of “It’s not you, it’s me,” but that sounded so …

  And I was confused by Joel’s outburst. Did he really care so much about Will’s feelings that he was angry with me for wearing the necklace? Or was he just angry with me and Will’s feelings were an excuse to show that anger. Will didn’t know, which I know didn’t make it right, but wearing it didn’t hurt him. That I was dating him and in love with someone else—that was the problem.

  I texted Hanna to check brunch was still happening, all the time crossing my legs in the hope that it would magic up a cancelation.

  Jules and I knew never to cancel on Hanna. She was easygoing in every way, but god forbid you cancel on her. You could be late because of work, or leave early for some reason, but you absolutely couldn’t just not show, and you
absolutely couldn’t not show because you had a hangover or you just didn’t feel up to it. It was Hanna’s only rule, and we all stuck to it.

  Crossing my legs didn’t work, apparently, so I pulled myself into the shower in order to make sure I was on time.

  Why had I agreed to brunch? Well at least it was girls only. At least Joel wouldn’t be there.

  ***

  “So, I heard your news. Consider this an intervention,” Hanna said as I arrived at the table. Jules stayed silent.

  I hadn’t even sat down. “Can I order a drink first?” I asked, waving at the waiter. “Can I get a mimosa? But hold the orange juice,” I said before the guy could get a notebook out of his apron.

  “You want a glass of champagne?”

  I shot him a dirty look. If I was about to face an intervention, then I needed to be day-drinking. And if I was day-drinking, then I needed to be in denial about it. When I didn’t respond, he scurried away.

  “So, what happened?” Hanna asked.

  I looked at Jules like I looked at the waiter.

  “You’re in a lovely mood,” she responded.

  “Nothing happened. Will and I broke up. We were barely together. It’s no big deal.” I concentrated on my menu.

  “Well, I think it is a big deal, and I think we should talk about it,” Hanna said.

  I said nothing. Jules said nothing.

  With no encouragement from either of us, she continued. “He seemed like a really nice guy, Ava.”

  “Why are we at such a big table?” I asked, trying to ignore Hanna’s conversational direction.

  “And he seemed to really like you,” she continued.

  “We should move to a smaller one,” I said.

  “I think the boys are coming,” Jules mumbled.

  “Fucking hell. I feel like I’m married to them. Can’t it ever just be the three of us?” I moaned. The last person in this world I wanted to see right now was Adam. Or Joel. She can’t have meant Joel when she said ‘the boys.’ She always meant Matt and Adam, and there were only two spare places at the table. I took a deep breath. My hand went to my infinity necklace; I’d not taken it off.