Hopeful

by Louise Bay

  “And …?”

  “And all I felt was this tremendous pressure on me, like I was trapped in a vice or something. I forgot to be excited about it and I just concentrated on pleasing everyone. On getting in, because that’s what everyone wanted for me.” I exhaled. I’d forgotten how difficult it had been. “I totally bombed the interview, I could barely look at the panel members. It was all too much. Too much expectation, too much pressure, and I crumbled. And part of me knew, still knows, that if I’d just not told anyone—if it had just been left to me—I’d have done it. I would have gotten in. And I know it’s not the same, but I don’t want that pressure and expectation on us. Not yet. Just until exams are over, can we leave it between just us?”

  “Ava, it’s not the same. We’re us. I love you.”

  Jules stuck her head out of my bedroom and mouthed, “Who is it?” Her nosiness had overruled her worry about seeing Adam. My instinctive reaction was to lie to her, to cover up my relationship with Joel, but I stopped myself. If it came out, it came out.

  “It’s Joel,” I said. I wanted Joel to hear me. Hear me telling the truth.

  “What?” Joel said.

  “Jules was asking who I was on the phone with.”

  Jules was either satisfied that my call didn’t involve her, or irritated that my call didn’t involve her. She headed back in the bedroom without any sort of reaction.

  “Oh,” he replied. I couldn’t tell if he was pleased that I’d been up front with Jules. Maybe it was the least he expected. “If it comes up, I’m not going to lie, Ava.”

  “Ok.” What else could I say? “I love you.”

  “I’ll see you later.”

  He didn’t say it back. He’d always said it back.

  “Ok, bye,” I said.

  “Ok, bye.”

  My heart sank just a little lower in my chest as I went back into my bedroom. The girls were both sitting cross-legged on my bed chatting, so I pulled the cushion off my chair and sat down.

  “What did he say?” Jules asked.

  “What about?”

  “Me and Adam.”

  I was confused for a second and then I realized that Jules must have thought that Joel called me to discuss her and Adam.

  “Oh, nothing. I don’t think he knew.”

  “Oh.” Jules seemed a bit disappointed that she wasn’t the center of my conversation with Joel.

  “Why was he calling?” Hanna asked. It wouldn’t occur to Jules to ask.

  “Oh, just checking I made it back ok.” It was more than I thought I would say. To my surprise, my explanation was accepted without further probing.

  “So you can’t just hide in here for the rest of the year. Do you want me to talk to him?” Hanna suggested. Quite typically she was trying to smooth things over.

  Jules grinned, clearly this is what she’d been angling for all along. “Only if you make it clear I’m not interested.”

  I zoned out at some point during their planning. They didn’t notice.

  Present

  “Can you all get yourselves drinks and sit down, please,” Hanna said, trying to herd us all to the table. “Matt, can you help?”

  Harvey seemed to pick his seat quickly and I put myself down next to him. If I was next to Harvey, I couldn’t be sandwiched between Joel and the Insanely Hot Giggling Alien. As Jules walked behind me, I pulled on her hand to encourage her to sit next to me, which she did. I breathed a sigh of relief. The Insanely Hot Giggling Alien sat the other side of Jules. Perhaps this wouldn’t be so bad.

  “So, you work with Jules?” I asked Harvey.

  “Yeah. Kinda. She’s doing the PR on a campaign we’ve been working on. I’m in advertising.”

  I nodded. He smelled good. And he had a nice smile.

  “Have you known her since Uni?” he asked.

  “Yes, we’ve known each other too long. We know all of each other’s dirty secrets.”

  “Really?” Joel interrupted from where he had sat down, directly opposite me. Our eyes met for the first time this evening and my stomach flipped. I wondered if that would ever go away.

  I couldn’t tell if he was interested, making polite conversation, or talking about us.

  “Yes, all my dirty secrets. But not all my secrets are dirty,” I said. I didn’t want him to think that I thought what we had had was dirty. It wasn’t. It had been beautiful.

  Joel just nodded and then was interrupted my Matt who was next to him.

  “So, tell me a dirty secret,” Harvey said.

  I fake-scowled at him.

  “You tell me one, first.”

  “I just got dumped,” he said straight away.

  “Oh, I’m sorry. Who and when?”

  “And then you’ll tell me one of yours?” he asked.

  I nodded.

  “Daisy. Yesterday.”

  “Daisy,” I said, almost to myself.

  “You thought I was gay, didn’t you?”

  “The more important question is, did Daisy?”

  Harvey laughed. “No, I don’t think that was the problem. I’m just ready and she’s not.”

  I half-smiled, half-scowled. “Ready?”

  “Yeah. I want to get married and settle down and have a family, and she isn’t ready.” This was fascinating to me. Men often seemed so clinical about relationships.

  “So, it wasn’t that she wasn’t in love with you. You were it for each other, but the timing wasn’t right?” I asked.

  Harvey took a deep breath in and his shoulders and chest rose.

  “I don’t believe there’s one who’s going to be ‘it’ for me. I’ve loved a number of girls over the years and I would have married two or three, had it been the right time.”

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

  “Wow.” It was all I could muster up.

  “You don’t agree?” he asked.

  “It’s not that I don’t agree. You feel what you feel.” The thought that I was just one of two or three of a number of girls that Joel had loved filled me with … with … pain, rage, sadness. He was it for me. He would always be it for me. I wondered if Joel was listening, but I couldn’t bring myself to lift my eyes to him to see.

  “So, you loved all these girls, but you’re not with any of them now? Would you go back to them?”

  Harvey shook his head. “No. Life moves on, doesn’t it? I don’t believe in looking backward.”

  “Do you think you were really in love? Like thunderbolt, I-can’t-live-without-you love?”

  Harvey laughed and then stopped as if he had just realized what I’d asked him. “I’ve absolutely been in love. And I don’t have a problem telling women when I’m in love with them, but love sometimes isn’t enough.”

  My stomach dropped. He was right. Sometimes it wasn’t. I looked up at Joel finally, but he was chatting to Matt. He wasn’t listening to our conversation. I looked back at Harvey.

  “It’s not about telling someone. It’s about feeling it,” I said.

  “So you believe in ‘the one,’ I take it?”

  I nodded.

  “And have you found him?”

  “And lost him.”

  “So now, what’s the answer? You die an old maid because you lost ‘the one’? You’re not going to give yourself a second chance?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know.”

  “You’ll heal and you’ll find another love. I promise.” He was trying to comfort me but it was me that felt sorry for him. He’d never felt what I felt for Joel, or he wouldn’t say that.

  “I don’t think so. Men compartmentalize these things in a way I don’t think women can. Men can say, ‘We’ve split up, life moves on, I’ll find someone else,’ and then never think about that person again. Women, I think, bruise more deeply, love longer.”

  He finished his mouthful of food. “You think Daisy will take me back?”

  “I think that if you feel the thunderbolt, you will love her whether or not she takes you back.” />
  I could feel the sadness rise in me.

  ***

  I floated back into consciousness, knowing that I’d woken before morning. I’d not been that late to bed. Well, I’d been in bed by midnight, which after Sunday lunch and a bucket of booze at Hanna and Matt’s wasn’t bad. But I couldn’t have been asleep long. Had I heard something? I heard it again, banging on my door. It couldn’t be Will again could it? It was getting louder. Fuck. He was going to wake my neighbors. I was wearing just an old Uni T-shirt, so I grabbed some underwear and almost tumbled over while trying to step into them.

  What the hell time was it?

  3 a.m.? What the fuck? Who the hell did Will think he was? We had been out a couple of times and he was behaving like I’d called off the wedding with a week to go!

  I threw open the door and came face to face with Joel.

  His arms were braced across my front door frame. His eyes flew to mine as I opened the door. His stare was heated. Was he angry? What was he doing here? I’d been about to give Will a mouthful as I opened the door and my mouth remained open, poised to expel expletives but I was suddenly mute.

  Our eyes met but neither of us seemed to have any words.

  I stood sideways making room for him to come inside.

  He had things to say.

  We had things to say.

  It was time.

  Past

  “So are you two together, or over it, or what?” Daniel asked looking between Jules and Adam. A silence descended on the group as everyone waited to hear.

  It was about a week since Adam’s 21st birthday. We’d not been together as a group since then. We were all sitting around a table in the Union bar. All of us except Joel. He’d texted to say he was coming, but he wasn’t here yet and I was scratchy all over. My body needed him. Things seemed fine and back to normal between us. Well, almost. We picked up our routine from the previous term—Joel collecting me to go to the library, me trying to concentrate on studying when all I could do was smell him and see him in front of me. We’d gone back to his place twice—dinner, fantastic sex. I sighed at the thought of the fantastic sex.

  “There’s nothing to get over,” Jules said matter-of-factly. “I still hate him, think he’s annoying and irritating beyond words. He thinks I’m amazing and now knows I’m good in bed. And that’s it.”

  I looked at Adam and, for once in his life, he didn’t have a riposte to Jules’ biting assessment of the situation. He just rolled his eyes. “Whatever, Jules.”

  I grinned. That’s why we all liked Adam so much. As much as he dished it out, he could take it. And when it really mattered, he wasn’t going to try to come up with a comeback that might make Jules feel bad. Deep, deep down inside, he was a very sweet guy.

  My skin buzzed. I looked up, searching for the cause. Joel had just come through the doors and was making his way over to the table. I smiled at him, but he was acknowledging someone across the bar.

  “What’s going on here?” he asked as he reached the table and found us in uncomfortable silence.

  “We’re just talking about Adam and Jules,” Matt filled him in.

  Joel reached between Matt and Hanna and took some nuts from the bowl in the middle of the table. “Oh yes, Adam’s 21st. Good night. I kissed Ava that night.” And he turned and walked to the bar.

  I choked on the vodka I had to my lips. Did I just hear him right? A wave of excitement passed through me. He wanted people to know.

  “Ava?” Jules screeched. “Did you kiss Joel?”

  I looked into the bottom of my plastic cup and nodded.

  “That fucking bastard. I can’t believe it!” she screamed.

  What?

  “That’s it. We’re not staying around here with these assholes. What a complete shit.” Jules threw her phone into her bag and started to get up. I looked at Hanna, who looked confused—or was it concern I saw? “Come on. Fuck these fucking fuckers.”

  Hanna and I knew better than to argue, so we scooted after her. Joel was still at the bar, chatting to the bartender as we left.

  “Right. Let’s go into town,” Jules said.

  “Why? I don’t want a big night,” Hanna whined. She wanted to spend the evening with Matt. I wanted to spend the evening with Joel. What happened?

  ***

  “Don’t let that fucker upset you, Ava. Are you ok? You should have told us. I’d have punched him in the balls for you.” Jules had convinced us to go to another bar just off campus. It was full of retired men wondering what the hell we were doing there.

  “Jules, I’m fine. Are you mad at me?”

  “Why would I be mad at you? I’m mad for you!” I still wasn’t quite sure what was going on. Hanna looked at me sympathetically. I stayed silent, hoping that things would become clearer. “Well, don’t sweat it. You are too good for him anyway. Let’s get some shots in.” Jules stormed to the bar.

  “You seem to be staying really strong, Ava. Good for you,” Hanna said.

  “Of course. Why wouldn’t I be? Is Jules mad? Does she really like him?”

  Hanna shrugged. “I don’t think so. No more than she likes any fuckable guy on campus. Are you worried about Jules?” I nodded. “You are so sweet. Fucked over by Joel and you’re worried about Jules.” Hanna gave me another sympathetic look and squeezed my hand.

  “What do you mean ‘fucked over by Joel’?” Is that what they thought?

  “You know. Don’t take it personally, Ava. It’s just him. It’s just boys in general. They think with their dicks.”

  “I’m not taking it personally. Joel didn’t fuck me over,” I said.

  Hanna patted my hand again.

  Jules came back with our shots. “Come on girls. Let’s forget those freaks.”

  “Look,” my voice was louder now, “Joel didn’t fuck me over. At all.”

  Jules looked at me and raised her shot glass to her lips “Shot!” she screamed.

  “Seriously, guys, we’re friends. I like him,” I said.

  “And he completely takes advantage to keep up his reputation,” Jules said, shaking her head.

  “What? He didn’t take advantage of me.”

  “She’s crazy for him,” Hanna said to Jules as if I couldn’t hear.

  “Oh, Ava. Don’t be that girl. Whatever you do, don’t be that girl.” Jules was still shaking her head.

  “What girl?” I was angry and confused and blindsided. What was Joel thinking? I could feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. Joel would be wondering where we got to.

  “The girl that pines after the player. Don’t be that girl.”

  “I’m not being ‘that girl,’ as you put it.”

  “Then promise me. I want you to promise me that you’ll never kiss him again. Promise me you’ll not pine after him, you’ll not daydream about him, you won’t text him. You’ll just ignore him.” Jules had grabbed my arm and was trying to pin me down with her eyes.

  “I don’t see what the big deal is,” I answered. God, what would they say if they knew the whole truth? They’d think I was the biggest idiot in the world.

  “Honey, she doesn’t want to see you hurt. You know Joel, he has all these girls hovering around him … He has plenty of choices, let’s put it that way,” Hanna said.

  “And you’re saying, with all those choices, why would he choose me?” This is exactly what I’d expected them to say, and why wouldn’t they? They were right. I had no idea why he chose me, but he had.

  Hanna tilted her head in sympathy. Jules had her eyebrows raised.

  “Whatever. I’m going home.” I grabbed my bag and headed out.

  I heard Hanna say behind me, “Let her go, her pride’s been hurt.”

  Fucking hell. I was pissed at Joel and infuriated at Jules and Hanna for living down to my expectations of their reaction. Why did he have to say anything? And to drop a bomb like that in the way he did. I pulled my phone from my pocket.

  Where the fuck did you go? J

  We were dragged out by J
ules and I just had to endure lectures on what a shit you are and how, with all the girls on offer to you, there’s no way you’d pick me. Naturally I feel great about the night. I’m going home. A

  My heart was pounding and my chest felt tight. I don’t know who I was angrier with, Joel or Hanna and Jules for reacting in exactly the way I expected them to.

  God, I’m sorry. I should have warned you. I was just frustrated. Come over. I’ll leave the guys here. J

  I need to go home. A

  It affected me, what they’d said. They were right. Joel did have a lot of choices. And why would he choose me?

  Please come by. I miss you. I wanted to spend the evening with you and I feel cheated. J

  I could feel my resolve wavering.

  Joel.

  Ava, please. I can make it better.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Present

  As soon as Joel came through the door, we moved the short distance to my kitchen and I pulled open the cupboard that held glasses. Neither of us were big coffee drinkers. I figured the adrenaline would keep us awake without needing caffeine. I poured us both a glass of water and put a wedge of lime and ice in his, just how he liked it. I didn’t like lime, but I always kept frozen wedges in case one day I needed them.

  He accepted the glass and we headed out of the kitchen. I drew breath. I was ready for this. Ready for something. Closure. His anger. His indifference. A calm had descended on me. The conversation with Harvey had helped bring things into focus for me. I would love Joel forever. He was my thunderbolt. And he didn’t have to love me back for me to love him.

  I pulled a cushion onto my lap as I sat down so my underwear wasn’t on display. My body twisted toward Joel as he sat at the other end of my sofa. He sat his glass of the coffee table, and then perched on the edge of the cushion with his head in his hands and his elbows on his knees. He was thinking.

  Here he was in my flat. I felt elation and pain mixed together.

  Finally he spoke. “I just don’t get it. I don’t know if I’m being paranoid, reading things into situations that shouldn’t be there. I don’t know if you’re playing games, I just …” He thrust his hands through his beautiful hair.

  What was he asking me? “I’m not a game player, Joel. You know me better than that.”