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How I Escaped My Certain Fate

Page 37

by Stewart Lee


  A local lad, slotted in, new to the game, hungry, keen.

  He was playing Jongleurs gigs up and down the country

  And storming every one, he told me.

  He wasn’t interested in doing the Glastonbury,

  How was that gonna help his career?

  But would do a couple of Edinburghs to snag

  A Perrier nomination and blag a TV deal.

  I felt old and irrelevant, like someone cutting peat

  While dreaming of electric fires and cursing their wet feet.

  I offered him a cigarette, but he didn’t smoke.

  I said the rider was no use to me, and he packed it away

  In his sports bag.

  A pretty young girl flounced in and said it was time.

  My support act stood and left the room and I went out into the hall

  And watched him walk onto the stage.

  The crowd applauded his entrance but his opening line,

  Something about how he resembled an Australian soap star,

  Hardly caught fire.

  It shrivelled in the spotlight and then curled up and died.

  He tried a condemnation of the students’ refusal to laugh,

  And then flipped onto his belly, begging for their love.

  But the tricks of the trade were just tricks of the trade.

  The emperor stood naked.

  The crowd were betrayed.

  The boy floundered, dry-mouthed, then looked around,

  And bent his head, and bit his lip and bedded in for a battle.

  Something was different.

  Something had changed.

  I felt Malcy’s harmonica in my pocket and put it to my mouth.

  It might have been seawater, or it might have been spittle,

  But as I ran my tongue along the openings I could feel that it was wet.

  I pursed my lips and filled my cheeks and blew the liquid out.

  VIII: Did Tony Blair Plagiarise Stewart Lee?

  When How I Escaped My Certain Fate first appeared, the comedy writer Tom Neenan published the following on his Too Much Culture blog (http://tneenan.wordpress.com).

  Tony Blair’s memoirs were recently published to a wave of press attention and controversy. A great deal of this criticism has come from Stewart Lee, who believes the ex-premier copied his idea of annotating his standup routines. But are the two publications actually that similar? Take a look at this extract from A Journey and make your own mind up …

  In other words, they disagreed then and disagree* now fundamentally with the characterisation of the threat. We were saying this is urgent; we have to act; the opponents of war thought it wasn’t. And I accept, incidentally, that however abhorrent and foul† the regime and however relevant that was for the reasons I set out before the war, for example in Glasgow in February 2003‡, regime change alone could not be and was not our justification for war. Our primary purpose was to enforce UN resolutions over Iraq and WMD.

  * I would normally repeat the word ‘disagree’ nine or ten times. I used to use this as a gauge for the audience, if they were willing to go with it I could make this part last about two or three minutes. I remember on this date there was a slight atmosphere in the room, so I cut it short. It can be really difficult to judge this kind of thing, ultimately you just have to trust your own instincts.

  † I used to change the two adjectives every night as a way of keeping the material fresh to make sure I didn’t get bored with the routine. They were always improvisations around the strict theme of two adjectives describing something undesirable. One night I referred to the regime as heinous and horrendous. That night it provoked a positive response but only because of the audience’s Pavlovian appreciation of alliteration, which is not the point of this section. I remember during my brief spell of popularity in the nineties, when I was out on the road, I used to work in a lot more sections with room for improvisation, but I’m older now so I only leave in a few to keep my mind focussed.

  ‡ Glasgow was a rough one. There was this one bloke at the back who just wouldn’t be quiet. He kept calling me a warmongerer and saying I should be tried for war crimes. There are some Prime Ministers who really enjoy this aspect of the job and would spend the whole speech laying into the guy, but at the time I was playing a contrite sensitive character, so to be too aggressive would jar with the content of the speech.

  Of course the opponents are boosted by the fact that though we know Saddam had WMD; [sic] we haven’t found the physical evidence of them in the 11 months since the war. But in fact, everyone thought he had them.That was the basis of UN Resolution 1441.

  The characterisation of the threat is where the difference lies*. Here is where I feel so passionately that we are in mortal danger of mistaking the nature of the new world in which we live.

  * I spent a lot of time working on the characterisation of the threat, the whole thing wasn’t really working. It wasn’t until my old political partner James Gordon Brown saw me do this bit, he pointed out I was underplaying the ‘mortal danger’ part. Once I started putting the emphasis on that aspect it [sic], the section got consistently good responses.

  Relevant Discography

  Stewart Lee – StandUp Comedian (2005), 2entertain – VCD7210 (DVD)

  Jerry Springer: The Opera (2005), Pathe! – P-DGB P917701000 (DVD)

  Stewart Lee – ’90s Comedian (2005), Go Faster Stripe – GFS-01 (DVD)

  Pea Green Boat (2006), Go Faster Stripe – GFS-04 – (CD/10” vinyl)

  What Would Judas Do? (2007), Go Faster Stripe – GFS-16 (3 × CD)

  Stewart Lee – 41st Best StandUp Ever (2008), Real Talent – RTDVD002 (DVD/CD)

  Stewart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle (2009), BBC/2entertain – BBCDVD3010 (DVD)

  If You Prefer a Milder Comedian, Please Ask for One (2010), Real Talent/Comedy Central – COMEDY01 (DVD)

  RELEVANT WEBSITES

  www.stewartlee.co.uk

  www.myspace.com/stewlee

  www.gofasterstripe.com

  Acknowledgements

  Everyone who encouraged with me during the period described deserves great thanks. So thanks to The Managements – Avalon and Debi Allen Associates; The Promoters and venues – Brett Vincent for Underbelly, David Johnson and John Mackay, Tommy Sheppard and The Stand; The Bookers – Charlie Briggs and Dave Mauchline; The Opening Acts – Josie Long, Stephen Carlin, Henning Wehn, Greg Fleet, Simon Munnery and Kevin Eldon; James Hingley for the website; the DVD and audio teams at Avalon, and especially Chris Evans at Go Faster Stripe and Colin Dench at Real Talent; The Public Relations – Daniel Bee at Avalon, Mel Brown at Impressive, and the guiding hands of Sally Homer; and to Richard Thomas and the hundreds of talents that shaped Jerry Springer: The Opera; and at Faber, thanks to Stephen Page, Julian Loose, Ian Bahrami and every one who worked on this book. Special thanks to my publisher Hannah Griffiths for her enthusiasm and support; and to Adrienne Connors at the Sunday Times Culture, Christine Gettins and the Manchester International Festival, the Bush Theatre, and Tom Morris and Battersea Arts Centre; and to Richard Herring, for the unused introduction and for the superb book-launch stage invasion. And thanks for their patience and advice to the wife, Bridget Christie, and the editor, Andy Miller, who is a Mod.

  Index

  Abbott, Diane, 1

  Abu Ghraib, 1, 2

  Adamsdale, Will, 1

  adoption, 1

  Aherne, Caroline, 1

  Airport 1, 2

  al-Qaeda, 1; see also 9/11; 7/7; war against terror

  Allen, Dave, 1, 2

  Allen, Tony, 1, 2, 3

  Alternative Comedy: beginning

  of the end, 1, 2;

  contrasted with mainstream, 1;

  death, 1;

  development, 1;

  origins of term, 1

  Ames, Jonathan, 1

  Amos, Stephen K., 1

  And Then I Got Off the Bus (joke type), 1

  Anderson, Janei, 1

  apartheid, 1

>   Arctic Boosh (show), 1

  Aristocrats, The (documentary), 1, 2, 3, 4

  art: great vs utilitarian, 1;

  roles, 1

  Aspen Comedy Festival, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

  atheism, 1

  Atkinson, Ron, 1

  Attenborough, Richard, 1

  Attention Scum (TV series), 1

  Auckland: Classic, The, 1, 2

  audiences, 1;

  giving them permission to laugh, 1;

  handling audience exits, 1;

  hecklers, 1, 2, 3

  Australia, 1, 2

  Ayler, Albert, 1

  Bad Film Club, 1

  Baddiel, David: gags about, 1;

  Heresy, 1, 2, 3;

  SL on, 1, 2;

  and sport, 1, 2;

  Wembley Arena Newman and Baddiel show, 1

  Bailey, Derek, 1, 2, 3

  balaclavas, 1

  Balls, Ed, 1

  Bangor University, 1, 2

  Barker, Sally, 1

  Barratt, Julian, 1, 2

  Barron, Carl, 1

  Barrymore, Michael, 1

  Bashir, Martin, 1

  Battersea Arts Centre (BAC)

  Scratch Nights, 1, 2

  Baynham, Peter, 1, 2

  BBC: cons of working for radio comedy, 1;

  offer of show to SL withdrawn, 1, 2, 3;

  Radio 1, 2;

  SL show commissioned after all, 1;

  ways of discovering new writers, 1

  Beans on Toast, 1

  Beckett, Samuel, 1, 2

  Bennett, Steve, 1

  Bhatti, Gurpreet Kaur, 1

  Big Brother (TV series), 1, 2

  Big Brother’s Little Brother (TV series), 1, 2

  Binns, Tom, 1

  Bird, Simon, 1

  Birmingham: Glee Club, The, 1

  Blair, Cherie, 1

  Blair, Tony, 1, 2, 3

  Blake, William, 1

  blasphemy: routine playing with concept, 1;

  SL on, 1;

  SL’s documentary, 1;

  see also Jerry Springer: The Opera

  Bogosian, Eric, 1, 2

  Book Club nights, 1

  Boom Boom Out Go the Lights (TV series), 1

  bothies, 1

  Bouffinades en Circulades, 1, 2

  Bourke, John G., 1

  Bowen, Jim, 1

  Boyce, Max, 1

  Boyle, Susan, 1

  Boyzone, 1

  Bradbury, Ray, 1

  Brain Donor, 1

  Brand, Katy, 1

  Brand, Russell, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

  Braveheart (film), 1

  Briggs, Charlie, 1, 2

  Brigstocke, Marcus, 1

  Bristol: Comedy Box, The, 1

  British people, and new experiences, 1

  Brown, Arnold, 1

  Brown, Dan, 1

  Brown, Gordon, 1

  Brown, Roy ‘Chubby’, 1, 2

  Bruce, Lenny, 1, 2

  Bruno, Frank, 1

  Brydon, Rob, 1

  Builth Wells, 1

  bullfights, 1

  Burns, Nica, 1

  Bush, George, 1, 2, 3

  Byrne, Ed, 1

  cab drivers, 1

  Cage, John, 1, 2

  Cambridge Footlights, 1, 2

  Campbell, James, 1

  Camus, Albert, 1

  Cardiff: Splott, 1

  Carey, Drew, 1

  Carlin, George, 1, 2

  Carlin, Steve, 1

  Carphone Warehouse, 1

  Carr, Jimmy, 1, 2

  Carrott, Jasper, 1

  Carthy, Eliza, 1

  CAST organisation, 1

  Catholicism, 1

  Cat’s-Feet Towel, 1, 2

  Caulfield, Jo, 1

  Cave, Nick, 1

  Celebrity Big Brother (TV series), 1

  Celebrity Mastermind (TV series), 1

  Chalk and Cheese, 1

  Channel 1, 2, 3

  Charles, Prince of Wales, 1

  Chiles, Adrian, 1

  Chippington, Ted, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9

  Christian, Terry, 1

  Christian Voice, 1, 2

  Christie, Bridget (SL’s wife): as comedian, 1, 2, 3;

  gags by, 1;

  honeymoon, 1;

  son born, 1, 2

  Clarke, Giles, 1, 2

  Clarke, John Cooper, 1

  Clarke, Oz, 1

  Cleese, John, 1

  Cleveland, Carol, 1

  clip shows, 1, 2

  clothes, 1

  Cluub Zarathustra, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

  Clune, Jackie, 1

  Coates, Louise, 1

  Cobain, Kurt, 1

  Coldplay, 1

  Coleridge, Samuel Taylor, 1

  colonoscopy, 1, 2

  Colquhoun, Ithell, 1

  Comedians, The (TV series), 1, 2

  comedy: as art, 1, 2;

  callbacks, 1;

  comedians as outsiders, 1;

  documentary about standup, 1, 2;

  in the eighties, 1;

  important facets of standup, 1;

  mainstream vs alternative comedians, 1;

  as ‘new rock and roll’, 1;

  in the nineties, 1, 2;

  noughties circuit, 1;

  observational, 1, 2, 3;

  Pull Back and Reveal mechanism, 1;

  in the seventies, 1;

  shock tactics, 1;

  standup reviewers, 1;

  surprise tactics, 1, 2;

  techniques for finishing shows, 1;

  timing, 1; see also Alternative Comedy; Lee, Stewart: standup style

  Comedy for Kids gigs, 1

  Comedy Store, The, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11

  comics, 1, 2

  Conflict, 1

  Connolly, Billy, 1, 2, 3, 4

  Connor, John, 1

  Conservative Party, 1

  Coogan, Steve, 1, 2, 3

  Cook, Peter, 1

  Cope, Julian, 1, 2

  Corbett, Ronnie, 1

  Corbières (France), 1, 2

  Corden, James, 1

  Cornwall, 1

  Cornwall, Camilla, Duchess of, 1

  Cosgrave, Michael, 1

  Cresswell, Addison, 1

  Crisis Twins, The, 1

  crisps, 1

  Crouch, Julian, 1, 2

  Crow, Sheryl, 1

  CUNT Ray, 1

  curry, 1, 2

  Currys (electrical shop), 1

  ‘Cutting Edge’ (Comedy Store show), 1

  Daredevil, 1

  Davidson, Jim, 1, 2

  Davies, Alan, 1

  Davis, Miles, 1

  Dawson, Les, 1

  Day Today, The (TV series), 1

  Days of Wine and Roses, The, 1

  Dead Man Weds (sitcom), 1

  Dee, Jack, 1, 2

  Delicate AWOL, 1

  Dembina, Ivor, 1

  Dembina’s Upright Position (standard microphone position), 1

  Derevo, 1

  Dessau, Bruce, 1

  Dexy’s Midnight Runners, 1

  Diana, Princess of Wales, 1, 2

  Doc Sampson, 1

  Doctor Who, 1, 2

  Donald, Simon, 1

  Donaldson, Willie, 1

  Don’t Feed the Gondolas (TV series), 1

  Double, Oliver, 1

  Dowie, John, 1, 2

  Dream Syndicate, The, 1, 2

  Duerden, Nick, 1

  dwarves, Christmas, 1

  Dylan, Bob, 1, 2, 3

  E1, 2, 3

  Edinburgh: Fringe Club, 1;

  Stand, The, 1, 2;

  Underbelly, The, 1, 2, 3, 4

  Edinburgh Fringe: 1990, 1;

  2004, 1;

  2007, 1, 2;

  Lee and Herring at, 1;

  Perrier Awards, 1

  Eldon, Kevin, 1, 2, 3, 4

  Elektra, 1

  11 O’Clock Show, The (TV series), 32

  Eleventh Dream Day, 1

  Elton, Ben, 1, 2, 3, 4

  endoscopy s
ee colonoscopy

  Enfield, Harry, 1

  England, Lynndie, 1

  Evans, Chris, 1

  Exmouth, 1

  Fall, The, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10

  Fanshawe, Simon, 1

  Fantasy Football (TV series), 1

  farts, 1, 2, 3

  Fielding, Noel, 1

  Finney, Albert, 1

  Finnigan, Judy, 1

  Fish Pie, 1

  Fist of Fun (TV series), 1, 2 3.4’s, the, 5

  Fleet, Greg: influence on SL, 1, 2;

  last words routine, 1;

  SL on, 1, 2;

  tours with SL, 1

  Flight of the Conchords, 1

  food, 1

  Foot, Michael, 1

  Foot, Paul, 1

  football, 1, 2

  41st Best StandUp Ever (show): DVD, 2, 3, 4, 5;

  transcript, 1;

  writing, 1, 2

  Frank, Gary, 1

  free jazz, 1, 2

  freedom of expression see obscenity

  Freeman, Jason, 1, 2

  French, Dawn, 1

  Friday Night Project, The (TV show), 1

  Frith, Fred, 1, 2

  Gandhi (film), 1

  Garofalo, Janeane, 1

  Gately, Stephen, 1

  Gaughan, Dick, 1

  Gelb, Howe, 1

  genitals, words for, 1

  Gerber, Steve, 1

  Gervais, Ricky, 1, 2, 3, 4

  Giant Sand, 1

  Gibson, Mel, 1, 2, 3, 4

  Gift, Roland, 1

  Gilbert, Rhod, 1, 2

  Ginsters pies, 1, 2

  gnomes, 1

  Go Faster Stripe, 1, 2

  God and Jesus, 1

  Goody, Jade, 1

  Gordillo, John, 1

  Gottfried, Gilbert, 1

  Graffoe, Boothby, 1, 2, 3

  Granada, 1

  Graner, Charles, 1

  Graney, Dave, 1

  Green, Jeff, 1

  Green, Stephen, 1

  Griffin, Jesse, 1

  Griffiths, Peter, 1

  Guantanamo Bay, 1, 2

  Hackney Empire and City Limits New Act of the Year competition (1990), 1

  Hall, Julian, 1, 2

  Hall, Rich, 1

  Hammond, Richard, 1

  Hamza, Abu, 1

  Handful of Earth, 1

  Hanover, 1, 2

  Hardee, Malcolm, 1, 2, 3, 4

  Harding, Mike, 1

  Hardy, Jeremy, 1, 2, 3

  Hart, Miranda, 1

  Hartley, Hal, 1

  Have I Got News for You (TV series), 1

  Hawkwind, 1

  health and safety, 1

  hecklers, 1, 2, 3

  Hegley, John, 1, 2, 3, 4

  Hemingway, Ernest, 1

  Hendrix, Jimi, 1

  Heresy (radio show), 1, 2, 3

  Herring, Richard: blog, 1;

  description of SL, 1;

  and Eldon, 1;

  gags about, 1, 2;

  influence on SL, 1;

  and Jesus, 1;

  Kay parodies, 1;

 

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