“It’s hard to do the things you planned with someone when they’re gone.”
“Not if what you planned was to have the best life you could, a life that honored God, that honored the people you love. It took me a couple of years, but I realized I could still do those things. Even without Julia in my life.”
“You’re a better person than I am, Seth. A stronger Christian.”
“Obviously, you don’t know me very well.” He chuckled, the sound vibrating through her.
She turned to face him, found herself so close that she could feel his warmth, smell the crisp scent of soap and winter on his skin. “You’re wrong. I do know you, and I know that you’re a lot stronger than I could ever be.”
“That’s a copout, Tess. An excuse because you’re afraid to try. Afraid God won’t give you the things you want.”
“I don’t know what I want,” she said, but she thought she might. She thought that everything she wanted might be standing right there in front of her.
Seth touched her cheek, his palm resting there, light as a summer breeze.
The air simmered with electricity, and Tessa’s heart thundered in response. Breathless, she looked into his eyes and saw her own longing reflected in the depth of his gaze.
He stepped back, his jaw tight. “Eat your sandwich and try to sleep, Tessa. Tomorrow, we need to talk.”
He walked into the hall, closing the door softly behind him. She heard the quiet click like thunder on a quiet morning.
Tomorrow, we need to talk.
About them?
About Tessa’s past?
About the secrets she’d been keeping?
How much could she reveal without destroying everything the mission team had worked for?
How much did she want to reveal to Seth?
Everything, her heart whispered.
Nothing, her brain responded.
She grabbed the sandwich and ate it. She still felt empty. Hollow.
Alone.
She lay down, turning on her side to face the small nightstand that stood beside the bed. A thin Bible lay there, crowded between a lamp and the alarm clock. Black leather and well used, it reminded her of the one she’d inherited from her mother. A family Bible dating back nearly a hundred years, it had survived Tessa’s parents’ wild lives and had been handed to her the day she’d entered foster care. She’d left so many things behind over the years, but that Bible was one thing she always carried with her.
Sentimental value is what she’d told herself every time she’d packed it. There was more to it, though. The Bible represented what she’d wanted desperately to reclaim, the faith that should have carried her through the tough times but that seemed to constantly slip through her fingers.
She touched the Bible’s black cover, wishing she were at home. She’d have dug out the family Bible, poured over words highlighted by generations of faith-filled people.
Her mother had fallen away from the foundation they’d laid for her. Tessa had done the same.
Could she find her way back?
Her soul yearned for that. She wanted to feel what she’d felt years ago—a sense of peace and love and belonging.
“Please, God, I just need to know You’re there,” she whispered.
She closed her eyes, hoping for some audible clue that she wasn’t alone. She heard nothing, but she felt something stir to life deep in her soul, felt her heart acknowledge what she had denied for way too long.
God had never left her. He had always been as close as a whisper, as near as a prayer.
A phone rang, the soft sound drifting into the room.
One ring. Two. Seth’s deep voice as he answered.
Seconds later, he knocked on the door.
“Tessa? Logan is on the phone. He has some information to share with you.” He opened the door without waiting for a response, his expression grim.
“Bad news?” she asked as she took the phone.
“He wouldn’t say.”
She nodded, turning away before she could give in to the urge to throw herself into Seth’s well-muscled arms. “Hello?”
“Tessa, it’s Logan. I have some good news and some bad news.” He paused, and she heard papers rustling. “The evidence team came up empty in your room.”
“What’s the good news?” she asked, wandering into the living room and settling onto the sofa, Seth following silently behind.
“We picked up three sets of fingerprints on the back door. We have matches for two of them—you and Seth. The third set, we’ve got no match for in the system. It wasn’t there last time we dusted, though. Aside from you and Seth, has anyone been in the house with your permission?”
“No,” she responded, her shoulders tense. A print with no match was about the same as nothing, but Logan seemed happy about it.
“Was your team fingerprinted when you went to Kenya?”
“I don’t think so. Why?”
“Everything that’s happening ties to that trip, Tessa. Something happened there. You’re either aware of it—”
“I’m sorry, Logan, I’ve told you everything I can,” she cut him off.
But, she hadn’t told him everything she knew.
They both knew it.
“You can return home when you’re ready,” Logan said, obviously annoyed. “We’ll keep a patrol car outside your house 24/7. Other than that, my hands are tied until we get a match on that print.”
He disconnected, and Tessa handed Seth the phone, her cheeks blazing.
“He’s...upset,” she said lamely. She felt guilty, unhappy with her choice. Not sure how to change it. She’d been hiding things for so long, keeping quiet for so long. What she’d built with Daniel had seemed so much more important than the truth that she’d been hiding.
She wasn’t sure he’d feel that way.
As a matter of fact, she was pretty sure that he wouldn’t.
“Maybe Logan and I should start a club,” Seth growled. “Men who aren’t happy with you.” He dropped the phone into his pocket and stalked into the kitchen, leaving her there, stewing in her own juices.
She wanted to follow him. Maybe apologize, but she didn’t know what to say. The weight of her secrets felt so much heavier than anything she could carry on her own.
She stayed where she was, her head pounding, her heart pounding with it. She felt sick and unhappy, and not sure what to do about it.
Seconds later, Seth returned, a glass of water in hand.
“Take this.” He thrust it at her, and she grabbed it automatically.
“And these.” He offered two pain relievers. “For your headache.”
“I didn’t say I had one,” she pointed out, but she swallowed them down, anyway, because she did have a headache.
“You didn’t have to. Just like you didn’t have to say that you’re hiding something for me to know that you are.”
“Seth—”
“Someone is after you, Tessa. And I think you know who it is,” he pronounced, a hard edge to his voice.
“I don’t!” she protested, because that, at least, was the entire truth.
He studied her silently, his eyes cold. “Randal and I are working overtime to keep you safe while we try to figure out who’s after you. You owe it to us to tell us what you know.”
“If I knew who it was, I’d tell you.” That was the truth, too.
“We’re dealing with a guy who sneaks around to do his dirty work. Someone who wants the world to see him one way, but who isn’t what he seems. A charlatan. Sound familiar?”
She almost said it didn’t, because no one in her present life was like that.
But there was someone from her past.
An upright citizen on the surface but as evil as they c
ame where it counted the most.
“What are you thinking?” Seth asked. He could tell Tessa was right on the edge of telling him something—something big.
“You just described my...”
“Your husband?” Seth couldn’t imagine Tessa being in a relationship with someone who was pure on the surface and soul-deep dirty, but he’d known plenty of wonderful people who had made the mistake of believing the lies they were fed rather than the truth they experienced.
“No.” She shook her head, her eyes flashing. “My brother-in-law. I thought Andrew was one of the kindest people I’d ever known. I found out after he died that everything he claimed to be was a lie.”
“What happened?”
“I’ve already said too much.” She started to move away but he grabbed her hand, holding her in place.
“You’ve barely said anything.”
“I made a promise, Seth. I can’t break it.”
“To who?” he pressed. He had a feeling they were heading toward the truth she’d been hiding.
“I can’t say.” She pulled her hand from his. “I’m exhausted. I’m going to bed.”
She ran down the hall and into her room, closing the door with enough force to shake a picture on the wall.
Taryn peeked out of the kitchen.
“Lover’s quarrel?” she asked.
“Difference of opinion.”
“Same thing, isn’t it?”
“Tessa has information that could help us save her life. She doesn’t want to reveal it.”
“Why not?”
“She made a promise to someone.”
“Promises become null and void when a life is on the line. Maybe you’d better tell her that.”
She was right.
Seth knocked on Tessa’s door and waited for her to open it.
ELEVEN
If there’d been a fire escape outside the window, Tessa would have been tempted to use it. After she’d told Seth about the promise she’d made, about the secret she was hiding, the last thing she wanted to do was open the door.
Seth knocked again.
“Ignoring me won’t make me go away,” he said.
Too bad, because she planned to ignore him awhile longer.
She should have kept her mouth shut about Andrew. Now she was going to have to do some damage control.
“Tessa?” He wiggled the doorknob.
She’d locked it.
For once, she was ahead of her problems.
But not that far ahead. Seth probably had a key. If not, she was sure he could find a way to unlock the door if he really wanted to.
She had a feeling he’d want to.
She glanced around the room, fighting the absurd urge to hide under the bed.
The doorknob wiggled again. “You better be decent, Tessa, because I’m coming in.”
“Don’t you dare—”
The door opened, and Seth stepped into the room.
“How did you do that!” she sputtered, her heart pounding double time.
“Easy.” He glowered, his brows drawn together, his eyes flashing with irritation. “This is a safe house, Tessa. It’s not safe if we can’t get to our clients.”
“I’m not your client.”
“So you keep reminding me.”
“It’s true.” She stood her ground, not backing up as Seth approached.
“Let me make this clear, okay? While you’re here, you’re going to be treated like a client. Clients do not lock themselves in rooms to avoid questions they don’t want to answer. If they do, I open the door and keep right on asking.”
“You can keep asking, but I can’t answer your questions, so I guess we’re at an impasse,” she retorted, relieved that her voice didn’t tremble, that she sounded as angry as he seemed to be.
“That’s your choice, Tessa.” He brushed hair from her neck, his fingers skimming over the fading bruises to make a point. “The problem is that you’re in danger. Do you want to die with your secret? Or live without it? Because it seems to me, that’s what all this is coming down to,” he growled.
“I...”
“What?” He raked a hand through his hair. “Tell me, because I don’t understand how anything can be as important as your life.”
“There are plenty of things, plenty of people who are just as important.”
“What people?”
“The mission spent two years planning and building a church and an orphanage in Kenya. From the day we met until the day he died, that was Daniel’s life’s goal. His parents were missionaries to Kenya when he was a kid, and he wanted to go back to serve the people there.” She rubbed her arms, willing away the chill that settled deep in her bones every time she thought about Daniel and his dream.
“And?” Seth pulled the comforter from the end of the bed and wrapped it around her shoulders, the gesture so sweet that her heart skipped a beat.
“I don’t want anything to happen to what he and the rest of the mission team built.”
“Here’s the thing, Tessa.” He leaned down so they were eye to eye, their foreheads nearly touching, his hands on her shoulders. “I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
“Seth, please, just let it go,” she whispered, her throat so tight she could barely get the words out.
“If I do, you could end up dead, and I could end up blaming myself. I’m not willing to go through that again.”
He cared, and cared deeply.
She could see it in his eyes, hear it in the gentleness of his voice
She cared, too. More than she should. She was almost willing to sacrifice everything for a chance to have what she saw in Seth’s eyes.
She looked away, her heart hammering in her chest, her eyes burning with tears, because she knew what Daniel would have done. He would have given up the dream for the sake of the truth. He would have trusted God to build what needed to be built. With or without his help.
“Jack Dempsey asked me not to say anything. He knows what happened in Kenya,” she said, hot tears spilling down her cheeks. In all the years that she’d held the truth close, she’d never considered doing anything but what Jack had asked of her. Now, she thought that maybe she should have been considering a lot of other things.
She wiped at the tears, surprised by them. Uncomfortable, because Seth was seeing them.
“Who is he?” Seth asked.
He didn’t touch her, and she was glad, because if he had, the tears might have turn to sobs, and then she might not have been able to speak at all. “The head of the mission board that sent our team to Kenya.”
“Why did he ask you to keep quiet?”
“He was afraid that bad press would stop the donations that started pouring in after the massacre. If that happened, thousands of lives would have been affected.”
“What kind of bad press?”
“He thought that someone on the mission team was responsible for the massacre. That his actions had angered the insurgents and caused them to attack us.”
“Your brother-in-law?”
“Yes.”
She walked to the window, staring out at the snow. She wanted to feel good about what she’d done, wanted to feel as if Daniel would approve.
She just felt hollow and old.
“I have to call Logan and give him the information. You know that, right?” Seth said quietly.
“Yes.” Her voice broke, and she blinked away more tears.
“It’s going to be okay, Tessa.”
“You can’t know that.”
“Sure I can.” He tugged her into his arms, pressed her head to his chest. “If God is in it, it can’t not be.”
“What if He’s not in it? What if I’ve just made a huge mi
stake?”
“You haven’t.” The words rumbled beneath Tessa’s ear, Seth’s heart beating steadily. He was so different from Daniel. Solid and muscular where Daniel had been narrow and lean; calm and steady where Daniel had been hyper and driven.
She had a feeling that Seth would love his wife above everything except for God. She had a feeling that when he made a commitment to someone, it would never be overshadowed by his commitment to something else.
She clutched Seth’s shirt, hating that she was comparing Daniel to him. Hating it even more that Daniel was coming up short.
She forced herself to step away, afraid that if she didn’t, she really would start sobbing. “I’m really tired, Seth. Can we talk more about this in the morning?”
“Sure.” He touched her cheek, looking deep into her eyes.
She didn’t know what he was searching for, or if he found it. She just knew that she could have stood there with him forever, could have waited a lifetime to find out what he was going to say.
Finally, he turned away without a word, left the room and closed the door.
She turned off the light and crawled into bed fully clothed, the comforter still around her shoulders, tears streaming down her cheeks again. She hadn’t cried in years. Now, she couldn’t seem to stop.
She closed her eyes, listening to the storm outside the window, wishing the sounds would drown out her memories and her fear.
She’d told Seth things that she’d never told anyone else. She couldn’t take that back, couldn’t steal back the words and hide them away again.
She wasn’t sure she’d have wanted to, even if she could.
Go. Don’t look back.
Those were the last words Daniel had spoken to her. She’d never forgotten them. They’d followed her for five years, and she thought they’d probably follow her for the rest of her life.
She’d always believed that he’d been telling her to leave the village, urging her to go in case the insurgents returned.
But he hadn’t seemed frantic. Even near death, he’d been at peace, concerned for her rather than for himself.
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