Broken (The Addictive Trilogy Book 2)

by Ashley Love

  “So this is it? This is how it’s gonna be?” he finally speaks and I can tell it’s taking a lot of restraint to keep his voice even and low.

  “You think this is easy for me?” I ask incredulously. “You think I want it this way?”

  “I dunno. You seem to be fine with it, just toss me out in the morning and you’re done.” He shrugs and looks away, trying less to keep the hurt out of his voice with this statement.

  “Are you fucking dense?”

  He bristles slightly when my voice suddenly raises. “What?”

  “You still don’t get it do you?” I scoff, shaking my head in disbelief. “After everything, after all the shit, and all the years, look at us…” My eyes fix down on the comforter so he can’t see the frustrated tears pooling in them and I’m trying so hard, so fucking hard to keep it together. “Do you think I would still be here if I didn’t give a shit about you?” My voice warbles with unconstrainable emotion and I’m done for, the tears spilling over only adding insult to injury.

  “No.”

  I can barely hear him over my heart beating into my ears. “I don’t wanna feel this way anymore. I don’t wanna…give more than I’m getting, I don’t wanna fight with you, I don’t wanna go to bed crying. I need more than that.” I shake my head over and over, clenching my fists. Part of me can’t even understand how I’m still letting him do this to me, get me this upset, make me still care about him so much.

  But when I look up at him, I know. I see that 21-year-old boy with scars on his head and his fingers linked in mine. He’s who I’ve been fighting for all this time.

  “I just…I want it to be…like it was, me and you…without any of the bullshit. Without the drugs, without…jail!” My voice breaks when I wail it out in disbelief and I choke back the sob that follows, hanging my head again. I sniffle and wipe at my face, waiting until I can regain my composure before I continue. “God, Lex, you were all I wanted…and I thought you wanted me too.”

  “I did,” he reassures me.

  “And now?” I snap, looking at him again, lips and hands trembling, eyes blinking back fresh tears while preceding ones fall.

  “You think I don’t care about you?” he asks gently, his brow knitting slightly, as if it were absurd for me to think otherwise. The side of his hand lays against the bed next to my knee and I feel his fingertips brush over my skin soothingly.

  “What should I think, Lex?” I croak out, eyes lost and swimming in his, pleading him to just give in and let me help him. Just let me make it better.

  He sighs, his hand coming from the bed to smooth over my hair. “C’mon. You gotta be crazy to think that I don’t care about you. You’re my girl, Leala.” He cups my face and his thumbs move the wetness around on my cheeks but don’t do much to wipe it away. “You’re my girl.” He presses more firmly against my cheeks to emphasize the words, holding me steadier, but it does little to console me.

  “I feel like someone used to tell me that a long time ago…but I don’t know him anymore,” I murmur, a breath away from his mouth and the hurt in his eyes is almost unbearable. My breath catches in my throat and I choke out a sob that’s more like a shaky whisper, a solemn plea. “I want him back.”

  He says nothing, just pulls me to his chest and I cry and cry and let him hold me, his hand rubbing my back as he shushes me like a child who woke up from a nightmare. And that’s exactly what I am. The past five years of my life, whether I thought so at the time or not, were a nightmare, and I’ve finally woken up and I’m scared to fucking death because nothing is the same. I look around and I don’t recognize anything, myself, my family, even Lex. Everything is new and everything is uncertain and now more than ever I have no idea what tomorrow will bring and while that used to excite me, now it terrifies me because I don’t want him to go. That’s the simple truth. He’s been here too long, and whether good or bad he’s been constant and I don’t want to lose him, and I don’t know if I can.

  “Lex, what about the hearing?” I finally manage once I pull back from him, but he shakes his head, silencing me.

  He pushes the hair back from my forehead and wipes at my face. “Everything is gonna be okay,” he says, but I know neither of us knows that for sure.

  “I don’t know—”

  “Don’t. Please, just…not now, not tonight.”

  I wrap my arms around his middle, squeezing him around his ribs and he immediately relaxes into me, burying his face in my neck and we sit there and I just hug him and we’re just…us. He breathes a sigh of relief into my neck and whispers against my hair, “It’s okay,” and then his breath fans my face as he pulls back and says it once again against my mouth, “We’re gonna be okay.”

  My heart really really wants to believe him because we have to be okay, we’ve been through too much shit to not come out of this okay, so I nod just barely in affirmation, my nose brushing against his. I feel his lips begin to touch mine, the fullness of his bottom lip pushing against my top one just barely, lingering there just enough so I can feel it, feel his breaths as he just waits there, my stomach curling with anticipation. I try not to think about being in his truck, I try not to think about anything. Then I realize I’m thinking about everything and I still haven’t kissed him, we’re just sitting here, breathing, waiting, the soft skin of his lips just playing over mine, brushing against them, and I miss this so much. It’s been so long since we’ve been intimate, and the truck doesn’t even fucking count because while it was physical, it wasn’t intimate like this, with my arms around his middle and his hand on my face, our noses and lips touching and skimming. It doesn’t count, so I just let it go and I kiss him.

  He lets me set the pace, smiling just barely against my mouth when I pull back, and waiting patiently for me to go back in, and I do. I kiss him softly over and over and everything starts to feel familiar, the weight of his hand against my face, the warm skin of his back under my fingers, and as much as I know in the back of my mind that I could come out of this devastated when he leaves tomorrow…it just feels so, so good to kiss him like this again.

  His lips start pressing harder to mine, breathing harsh sighs into my mouth as his mouth opens when he pulls back. And it stays open when he presses it back to mine, pulling at my lips with his, sucking on them gently until lips aren’t enough and I feel his tongue slide across my bottom lip, working my mouth open farther so it can dip inside.

  All it takes is one good deep kiss to take my breath away. “Lex,” I sigh, and my eyes flutter closed in pleasure when he tilts his head and presses his lips to my neck, kissing and licking at my skin and I feel goosebumps raise over my entire body. “Lex, wait.” As much as I want this right now, I can’t stop thinking about what tomorrow could bring.

  He pulls back and I’m trembling, breathing, a million thoughts in my head and I know the fear in my eyes is unmistakable to him. I want this, I want him, but I don’t want to be crushed tomorrow when he’s gone, prison or rehab it doesn’t matter, and I’m left here, in this bed, with this night forever imbedded in my mind. I have to know tonight is different, and I’m so afraid it’s not. I look away, unable to hold his gaze any longer, but his voice brings me back to him.

  “Tell me what you want, Leala,” he breathes against my mouth before raising his hand to brush his thumb under my eye as I wipe at my other one, sweeping away stray tears. “Tell me.”

  I swallow the lump in my throat and his face is blurry through my pooled tears as I take it in my hands. “I just want you back.” My voice trembles and my hands slide down to his chest. “I just want you.”

  He presses his forehead against mine and his eyes close with a sigh. I let my eyes sink closed and just listen to his voice, memorize it. “I want you, too.”

  He turns his head to kiss my cheek before nuzzling his nose with mine and kissing me slowly and deliberately again, slower than he ever has before, like he never wants it to end. I never want it to end. He pushes me back and I don’t fight
him, laying back against the pillows, my hands smoothing down the hot skin of his back as he moves over me.

  Our last night together. It runs in my head over and over as my hands skim up and down his arms, his hands sunken into the mattress next to my shoulders, and I feel hot tears surface behind my closed eyes. I push them back as he tilts his head, tongue sweeping inside my mouth. I feel his hand slip under the edge of my T-shirt, skin touching mine slowly, tentatively, letting his hand rest against my side as his lips pull away, tugging my bottom lip slightly as he does. I open my eyes and he’s looking right back at me, eyes asking, his hand not moving. I blink and the tears slide out and my hands hurry to wipe them away as I turn my head, embarrassed.

  “I’m not gonna hurt you.” He hooks his finger under my chin and tugs up until I tilt my head and look at him, eyes glassy and a little red but I’m sure he’s used to seeing me like this now, and he’s right there over me, just looking at me. Same blue eyes, same scars and stories, same Lex. Lex. “Leala, I don’t wanna hurt you anymore.” He looks right into my fucking eyes when he says it and it rips my heart out. It’s not a promise, he’s not promising that he won’t ever hurt me, but God, he wants to try, and that means something.

  I nod slowly, bottom lip pulled between my teeth to keep it from trembling, eyes still full and spilling over, and something inside of me ignites when his hand leaves my side and cups my face, his thumb working my lip out from my teeth gently, eyes still searching mine. When he leans down to kiss me it sets me on fire.

  I need it. I grab the back of his head and hold his mouth to mine, kissing him hard and desperate over and over and everything that I’m feeling manifests in this moment, in this action…us in this bed and with each other for what could be the last time. It’s too much but I need it all. Lips rubbing and pressing, mouths and noses crushed and gasping, sighing, his body pressed against mine so both hands are free, feeling, roaming. The buzz in my brain and tingle in my veins is all too familiar; it’s too good and too much but for tonight I take it. I’ll deal with the rest tomorrow.

  “Lex,” I breathe as his lips trail down my neck, harsh breaths against my skin giving me chills. His hands smooth under my shirt, his moans suppressed into my shoulder when he finds only naked skin underneath, taking it quickly into his hands. I release my head with a sigh, eyes sliding shut, and behind my lids my mind gives way to moments past, memories that will never leave me even if tomorrow they take Lex away.

  The music was so loud I could feel the bass thumping against my back as Lex pressed me against the hallway wall. His warm hands were all over my hips and down my thighs, his crotch pushed against mine, grinding against me to the beat of the music, indistinguishable to anyone but the two of us. He was nose to nose with me, but he wouldn't kiss me, and every time I tried to close the space between us he would pull back just slightly with that cocky grin before bringing his face back to mine.

  "You know you're my girl, right?" His breath fanned my face, mouth almost touching my cheek, and I just took my bottom lip between my teeth, smiling a bit, giggling and high. He laughed. That deep, lazy laugh that I love. And then he finally let me kiss him.

  “Look at me.” His voice brings me back, and I open my eyes, his own eyes staring back. Everything else is gone. The drugs, the fights, the uncertainty of tomorrow, everything melts away and all I see in his eyes is someone I love, someone who knows me better than anyone, someone who could love me in another lifetime if all of this was behind us. His hands gather in my cotton T-shirt and he tugs up, working it up and off and I raise my arms to assist him and it disappears somewhere between the sheets. His lips cover mine, his hands sliding over my body and my eyes close again, lost in him, the look in his eyes burned into my mind. God, those eyes...

  "Leala, listen to me...nothing happened. I swear. I didn't even touch her." He sighs, reaching for me again but I tear up out of the bed, pulling the comforter off and draping it around my naked form.

  "Who, Lex? Didn't touch who?!" I raise my voice, my words trembling from my chest as rage and hurt floods me. He sighs and releases his head in frustration.

  "Just some girl at the party. Fabian and the guys were fucking around with me, pushing girls on me. They were all over the place, crawling on anybody just trying to get a hit on a line. You know how it is." He pulls himself up from the bed slowly, keeping his voice soft. For once he's the one trying to prevent the fight.

  "No, I know how you are! At least I thought I did! I can't fucking believe you." I grip the comforter around my body as I lean down and snatch my clothes from the floor and start to dress myself quickly. I can't stay here with him. I'm disgusted. More than anything, I'm hurt. So hurt because I'm supposed to be his girl.

  He hangs his head, catching his breath a bit before slowly raising his eyes to mine.

  "I didn't do anything," he croaks out the words pleadingly. His eyes search mine but I just shake my head, lip trembling and tears welling up, threatening to spill over my bottom lids. He sighs, touching his nose to my cheek. "Please, Leala."

  His hands slide down my sides until his thumbs hit the waistband of my shorts and he makes quick work of them, tugging them down my legs and tossing them off the bed before moving back up over me, both of us panting, my hands smoothing over his shoulders to pull him closer. His lips crush against mine again and my nails scrape against his skin, a soft moan of pleasure escaping my mouth and being trapped by his.

  “I want you so much,” I breathe against his mouth.

  He scoffs. "So that's it then? You're done with me? Five fucking years, I turn around and you're done after some shit like last night?! You don't make any fucking sense!" He shakes his head, turning to walk away from me.

  "I've never made a fucking promise to you!" I yell once his back is to me, and he freezes.

  He whirls around, rage painting his face as he presses my shoulders until my back thuds against the brick of the wall, his face inches from mine. "But I'm yours and you're mine, and goddammit that's the way it's always been!”

  He kisses me dizzy and all of these thoughts swimming in my head aren’t doing much to clear it. I gasp for air when he finally pulls back and clothes are just in the way at this point as we rid each other of more, hands shaking with anticipation as I push against the slick fabric of his basketball shorts and they slip easily over his hips. He kicks them from his legs and down to the floor as as his lips attach to my neck and his hands...God, his hands are everywhere.

  He doesn't get too close most of the time because I think it really scares him when I'm sprawled on the bathroom floor with my cheek pressed against the tile, bawling my eyes out. But he sits outside the door, peeking through the crack at me.

  "Lex," I sob and sob and he stiffens uncomfortably, pushing the door open gently with his hand and sliding into the bathroom to sit next to me on the floor, legs crossed.

  I curl around his body on my side, forming my shape around his legs the best I can, just wanting something to hold on to, and he rests his hand on my hip gently. I just cry. I cry and tremble and pant and he just keeps his hand on me, trying to comfort me.

  He sucks in a breath and stiffens when I begin to crawl into his lap. Dammit, I just need something to hold on to. I need him. I clutch his shirt and my shoulders shake and no sound comes out but he can feel the wetness on my face as I press my nose into his neck.

  His arms hang at his sides and he pants for a minute, scared. Scared to touch me. But I finally feel his large hands skim up my back, holding me clumsily against him, trying to comfort me though he really doesn't know how. He breathes out a shaky sigh. "Shit, Leala...I don't really know what to do..."

  But I don't answer back, because what he's doing is just fine. Right now, it's all I need.

  His lips trail down my stomach, dotting soft kisses, his breaths warm against my skin, tongue peeking out to swipe quickly across my hipbone. I gasp when I feel his teeth nip gently at my skin and his lips curve into a smirk as his hand
s smooth down between my back and the mattress, hooking his fingers in my underwear and pulling them over my hips, the backs of his fingers smoothing against the outside of my legs as he pulls them all the way off.

  I run my hands over the bristles of his hair as he smooths his hands up my calves, his lips pressing to the inside of my knee and then against my inner thigh. He lays over me again, hands still hooked behind my knees and he tugs them tighter against his sides before I feel his palms slide slowly up my thighs, his lips hovering over mine, our labored breaths mingling.

  I kiss his lips softly, slowly, everything seems to have slowed down, and I feel his large hands grip my thighs, squeezing as he pushes his hips into mine and even with his boxers between us, I sigh at the feel of him against me.

  I take the fabric between my fingers, using my free hand to press the other items down into the bag as I gently tug it free from beneath them. I press the soft material to my face and inhale deeply, blinking back hot tears as his scent invades my senses. It smells like weed and cigarettes and like the damp forest after a rainy day. It smells heavenly, like fresh-scented pine and honey. His aroma is like a drug to me, and I can't get enough of it. Holy fucking God I miss him.

  I pull it carefully over my head, letting it envelop me, letting him envelop me. Hugging my arms around my body for a moment, I tuck my chin to my chest and close my eyes, trying to picture his face, his body...his eyes...his hands, that lazy smile, his laugh...his arms around me...shit.

  I feel a tear slip down my cheek and I wipe at my face hastily, embarrassed, thankful that my back is to Cara because I don't need her thinking her new roommate is a sad sack of homesick or something. I quickly busy myself with unpacking again, pushing the thought of Lex from my mind, but still allowing the softness of his sweatshirt and the occasional wave of his smell comfort me.