Loose

by Coo Sweet

  Sage went back to picking at the sheet. There was so much more he wanted to say. Needed to say. But now his mouth suddenly felt like it was full of quicksand, and the words just floundered around in there.

  He parted his lips a couple of times--to free what he wanted to say, but even that didn’t help.

  Jasmin stared at him with eyes full of pity. Lately she’d become quite the expert at burying feelings that were just too painful to introduce out loud to the world. Hell, dealing with her parents’ split had practically made her a Ph.D. in the field of numbing emotions.

  She knew Sage had to have been struggling to keep his emotions from conquering him. Yet she also knew he’d feel so much better if he could find the strength to purge whatever was troubling him the most, so she continued to coax conversation from him.

  “You mean the incident with Serenity?” she prompted warily, and to her great surprise, that was all the prodding Sage needed.

  He smoothed the sheet then dropped his hands to his sides, palms up—-a classic sign of surrender.

  “Uh-huh. If Peyton hadn’t been there with me, I don’t know if I would have survived that day. I loved that girl. I know it’s funny to say…I was only eleven, but I knew in my heart she was the one for me.” He paused to take a breath and plowed ahead.

  “Serenity was so different from me. She was never scared to take risks. She took everything life threw at her and tossed that shit right back,” he beamed at the memory of his young love’s tenacity.

  “So what happened? Why’d you let her go?” Jasmin asked.

  Sage swung his head up and glared at her.

  “I didn’t let her go,” he snapped. “She left me. Somehow that girl lost faith in herself…in her ability to handle the tough things. So her crazy ass went and fished a clothes hanger around in her womb trying to get rid of a baby she hadn’t planned on conceiving. She died in the process,” Sage spat.

  Jasmin’s entire body shuddered violently. Partly from the horror of his narrative, but more so from the amount of rage that colored the words he’d spoken.

  Sage would have to have been blind to not notice the visceral reaction he’d caused. Some of the fire behind his eyes began to smolder. He relaxed his shoulders a bit.

  “Sorry. I know it’s pretty gruesome. That’s what messed me up the most. That she would stoop to something so desperate, so dangerous. And for what? To save face? To keep people from looking down on her?” Sage said. He shook his head in disgust. “I would have helped her. I don’t know how, but I would have figured something out. Except she never gave me a chance…never reached out. I guess because I was just a kid like her.”

  He lightly tapped the back of his head against the wall behind him. Angry, hot tears slid down his cheeks. Jasmin quickly moved to the bed and wiped his face. She placed her hand on top of his and eased the white-knuckled grip he had on the bed rail.

  “Sage, stop beating yourself up! You’re not to blame. Serenity made the choice to go that route. You had no control over it,” Jasmin assured him.

  “I know. But I kept letting her down, even after she was dead. I kept failing her again and again,” said Sage.

  Jasmin looked at him like he had two heads.

  “How, Sage? How did you let her down after she was dead?”

  Sage, looking more lucid and confident than he had all night, didn’t hesitate to answer.

  “I broke my promise to her, Jas. I vowed over Serenity’s casket that I would never love another girl. She was supposed to be my girl forever. And I couldn’t do it. I caved to temptation. Now she won’t let me forget it,” he said, with tears gushing from his eyes.

  Jasmin rushed to him. She gathered him in her arms and squeezed him tight.

  “Sage, you were eleven. A little boy. No one would have expected you to keep a promise like that. You should never have put that kind of pressure on yourself. It was impossible for you to stick to it. Don’t you see that?”

  Instead of answering, Sage just stared at her. He couldn’t have summoned the strength to speak even if someone offered him a million dollars. The pain he felt inside simply left no room for anything but the crush of guilt that weighed down on him.

  That night in bed, Jasmin couldn’t turn off the dialogue and images running through her head. She kept seeing Sage…no, scratch that…she kept seeing the tortured shell of what used to be Sage, raking himself over the coals for something he’d had so little control over.

  The pain in his voice played over and over in her ears like a badly scratched disc. As much as she hated to admit it, the torment Sage was going through reminded her of her father. When they had last spoken, she heard the same desperation in Lance that she’d seen in Sage. And she worried about that—-for both of them.

  What must it feel like to walk around carrying a load of regret so enormous that it threatened to smother all the joy in your life? How could anyone look forward to a future so bleak? What could she do to help? Hell…did she even want to try to help?

  It took an entire night of tossing and turning in her bed to silence the chaos in her brain. When she crawled from between the sheets with the first crack of light shining through her window, she grabbed her phone and speed-dialed Lance’s number.

  “What’s wrong, baby?” Lance croaked. “Did something happen?” He pulled himself upright and jammed the phone tight to his ear.

  Jasmin bit her lip when she felt the first tears slide down her face.

  “I’m fine, Daddy. I just needed to hear your voice,” Jasmin sobbed.

  Lance’s brow creased, and he felt his breath quicken.

  “You sure, Jas? Tell me what’s really going on there.”

  “Nothing. Honest. I miss you, and I needed to hear your voice. I love you, Dad. And I’m sorry for leaving things so up in the air the last time we talked. That’s all. Really.”

  Jasmin placed her hand over her heart to slow the beat that raced inside her chest. She let the tears flow freely just because it felt so good to turn them loose.

  “Oh, baby…you don’t have to apologize. I put you and your mom through some awful mess. I’m the one who’s sorry. Can you ever forgive me?”

  Jasmin squeezed her eyes shut and inhaled deeply. She blew the breath out with a heavy sigh.

  “I can, Daddy…I have.”

  That’s when Lance started to sob. Big, deep, gut-wrenching sobs. He swept a shaky hand across his face.

  “Thank you, Jas. Thank you.”

  Later, when Jasmin joined Sonnet for breakfast, there was little she could do to disguise her splotchy face and puffy eyelids, but the aura of serenity that enveloped the space around her more than made up for her ragged appearance.

  Staring at Jasmin over the rim of her coffee cup, Sonnet raised an eyebrow at the flesh-and-bone contradiction that had just floated into the room.

  “Morning, Mom. How’re you?” Jasmin went straight to her mother’s side and planted a kiss on her cheek.

  Sonnet set her cup on the table. She placed an arm around Jasmin’s waist and peered into her daughter’s eyes.

  “I’m fine, sweetie, and you?” Sonnet drawled, with a tinge of angst in her voice. Jasmin beamed. She wrapped an arm around Sonnet.

  “I’m joyful and blessed, Mom. Better than I’ve been in a long time.”

  Hearing those words, Sonnet raised both eyebrows.

  “Really? Well sit down and tell me all about your joyful blessings, baby girl.” Sonnet laughed and steered Jasmin toward a chair.

  Chapter 22

  One month later Nadine tugged on the sleeve of Sage’s t-shirt.

  “You don’t have to do this by yourself, baby. I could go with you. Or wait until your father’s home, and we could all go together
. That woman is crazy, Sage.”

  Sage clasped his mom’s shaking hands. He gripped tight to steady them. He looked into her eyes and could tell by the way they glistened that Nadine was on the verge of tears. Sage pulled her to him and hugged her so hard he could feel the thump of her heartbeat against his chest.

  “It’s going to be fine, Mom. I swear. I need to do this alone. Besides, if Raven’s grandmother is home and she sees you with me she’ll just get all defensive. Who knows what might happen then?”

  Nadine squeezed her eyes shut so tight it hurt. No doubt she was replaying the ugly scene on the phone with Celia a few weeks earlier.

  "Your bougie asses will regret the day that trifling son of yours took advantage of my grandbaby!" Celia had screamed at her, before slamming the phone so hard Nadine imagined it must have shattered to pieces upon impact.

  “But she could go off on you, too. I don’t want you taking that chance. Hell, it’s probably not a good idea to see either of them in person. Let’s just let the attorney handle this. He could put everything in a letter, and we can be done with them for good. You’ve already been through so much. Please, son. Don’t go over there.”

  Nadine shook in Sage’s arms. The tears she’d been holding in ran down her cheeks. Sage threw his head back and sighed deeply. The struggle inside him was evident by the mask of heartfelt pain that muddied his face.

  “I know you’re scared, Mom. Trust me, I am too, but this is something I have to do. It’s the only way I’m going to feel like I’ve settled this on my terms. I’m tired of being pushed and pulled by forces I can’t control! Can you understand that?”

  Something in the tone of his voice resonated with his mother. Nadine had a blip of clarity where she realized Sage was right. She had to let him handle this his own way. He needed to feel some kind of power over the circumstances that impacted his life. She couldn’t block that, because if she did, she knew she ran the risk of thrusting him right back into a situation like the one with Serenity.

  Sage knew he needed to free himself from everything that was holding him back, and his parents had to trust him enough to let him do it his way.

  Sage and Jasmin parked in front of Raven's house. They held hands and kissed, more for comfort than anything else.

  "Be back soon," Sage said.

  "I'll be right here," she answered.

  Sage stepped out of the car. He patted his pocket like he was armed with some serious ammunition for what he was about to do. And he was. A corner of a white envelope peeked out of that pocket.

  Raven had called him every day since he’d gotten home from the hospital. He hadn’t called her back. That’s when the calls from Celia started. She wanted to know when he was going to take responsibility for the mess he’d gotten her granddaughter into.

  Nadine and Halloran were livid at Celia’s harassment of their son. They’d wanted to call the cops on her. But Sage had been more level-headed about it. He asked his parents to give him a little time to start healing from Peyton’s death before they tackled the situation with Raven.

  Just to be safe, the family consulted an attorney who felt Raven had little ground to stand on if she ever decided to pursue a paternity claim against Sage. They jointly decided the pregnancy test results Jasmin had stolen from Raven’s locker was a minor detail, and they’d deal with it when, and if, Raven spun it into a bigger issue.

  Now the time had come. Sage finally felt strong enough to confront Raven about her scheme, and he aimed to blow her lies to pieces.

  Raven sat on the couch in her living room. She crossed her arms over her newly expanded chest. A cantaloupe-sized bump was visible beneath her t-shirt.

  "You should have called first, Sage," she said.

  "This isn't a social call. The game is up, Raven. I'm here to tell you to stay away from me, my family, and Jasmin. That baby's not mine. I can prove it. I don't want to have anything else do with you."

  He took the envelope from his pocket and tossed it on the coffee table. Raven barely glanced at it, but she leveled a steady gaze on Sage. There was little sign of surprise in her eyes.

  "Really? So it was you who broke into my locker? Or maybe it was her? Okay, now you know. End of story. Bye, Sage."

  She waved him off like he was a pesky fly.

  That was it? She was going to make it that easy?

  But Sage wouldn’t go away so quickly. He couldn’t. Not without some answers.

  “Why, Raven? What made you do this? Why me?” he asked. He dropped to the couch beside her. “I tried to help you…we had some good times. Why would you try to screw up my life like this?”

  Raven stared straight ahead. Tears trickled down her cheeks. She didn’t bother brushing them away.

  “You always had everything, Sage. Big shot daddy who was a principal. Smart, pretty mom. Nice home. Everything I wanted. Everything I thought I deserved. Who wouldn’t want to be part of that? Nothing bad ever happens to you. I figured you could handle your life being shaken up a little. I knew you and your folks would want to do the right thing.”

  Raven shrugged. More tears fell. Her shoulders heaved under the weight of all the sadness and self-pity she finally unleashed. Sage pulled her to him.

  “You’re right, Raven. You do deserve those things. And I’m sorry they escaped you. This wasn’t the way to get them though. You can’t lie and cheat your way to a brighter future. Don’t you see that?” he said.

  Raven shook her head, shrugged again.

  “I had to try. Hustling is what I know, Sage. It’s in my blood.”

  Sage shook his head sadly. “I don’t believe that. Your grandmother works hard to take care of you. She’s not perfect, but she must love you a whole lot or you wouldn’t still be here. Right? She’ll help you get through this, Raven. I know she will.”

  "But that’s exactly what I was trying to avoid, Sage. Granny’s already done so much. She’s sacrificed a lot for me. Now she’s got me and this baby to think about. I don’t know how she’s going to do it.”

  “What about the real father? Make him help,” said Sage. “He’s responsible for this, too.”

  Raven pulled away from him. Wiped her tears. Her mouth settled into a hard line.

  “I’m not holding my breath on that one. He’s a jerk. I was easy. Not likely he’s going to be much help,” she said.

  The desperation that colored Raven’s voice and etched itself on her face scared Sage. He sighed and squirmed in his seat. His hands wrestled each other while he tried to decide if he should open up more. A glimpse of Raven’s earring and a flashback of Serenity’s bloody body made the decision for him.

  “You really think I’ve never experienced bad things in my life, Raven? Well you’re wrong. I saw the first girl I ever loved bleed to death in a pissy-smelling park restroom. She’d tried to give herself an abortion, because she was too stubborn or…too ashamed to ask for help. That still haunts me to this day, Raven. She still haunts me. Don’t assume you know me based on what you see.”

  Sage balled his fists up. His entire body tensed. His pulse pounded in his ears like a heavy drum beat. He blew out shallow breaths to slow the rhythm of his heart.

  Raven just stared at him with shock in her eyes. She swallowed hard against the tears pooling in her throat.

  “I’m sorry you went through that. Sorry I took you for granted. But I’m scared, Sage. I don’t know how to deal with this mess I’ve made,” Raven confessed with in a whisper.

  “You let people in. That’s how you deal, Raven. Don’t put up walls. Don’t let your past dictate your future. You’re not your mother. You control the path you take,” said Sage.

  He squeezed Raven’s shoulder, rubbed her back until the tension that gripped her relaxed a little.

>   “Forget what I said about staying away from me. Okay? If you really want help, and you loosen up that anger thing you’re always dragging around, I’ll be there for you, Raven. Think you can do that?” Sage said.

  Raven considered his words carefully before she answered. She examined her hands; the hands that had lashed out so many times to beat away whatever ate at her. She ran those hands over her hard, round stomach. Could she really change? Was she even worth it? Was she up for the challenge of all that work?

  “I don’t know, Sage. I honestly don’t know.”

  In that moment, looking back on what she’d been through, Raven wasn’t sure if she could ever change. She just didn’t know if she was strong enough to be somebody different than who she already was.