Rick Mercer Report
Page 5
Also, I admire anyone who can take an unpopular position and stick with it. Iggy is pretty much the only Liberal in Canada who believes Chrétien was wrong in keeping Canada out of the war in Iraq. But see, that's Iggy for you. Iggy is not handicapped by that whole Canadian point of view thing. He hasn't lived in Canada in thirty years. Which is fine by me. You have to go where the work is. And I'm sure he's got people who explain to him all that boring old Canadian stuff like who Don Cherry is or what the hell's a Nunavut. That doesn't matter, because Iggy is an ideas man and he's got an idea that he should be our prime minister. And I say, more power to him, nice of him to pop in and give it a whirl.
HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING | SEPT. 6, 2006
I was encouraged to read that Michael Ignatieff will not accept any questions from the media that are “anticipatory hypotheticals.” I'm glad he made this clear, because I hope to interview him on the show this year, and I appreciate the heads-up. Truth is, I like Iggy. It's just that sometimes I don't know what in the hell he's talking about. I thought all hypotheticals were anticipatory. I am so stupid sometimes. I Googled the phrase “anticipatory hypothetical” and there are only seven known uses out there. The term pops up on a website called indiansex.com, and it's also used in an essay written by some dude in Iowa who believes that robots have taken over the world.
SMARTEST GUY IN THE ROOM SEPT. | 20, 2006
In the media Ignatieff is usually described as “current front-runner.” Soon that will make way for “former front runner,” and eventually Ignatieff will simply be called “disappointed.” This was not the way this was supposed to play out.
Iggy's problem is not the number of delegates he has or his support in the Liberal caucus. He's got a healthy pile of those folks in his pocket. His problem is that while delegates may be political junkies, they work and walk among civilians. Part of the job of a delegate is to constantly bore the hell out of everyone at the office talking about this leadership race. And as the leadership slowly makes it onto the civilian radar, more and more civilians are asking their delegate friends why the hell they think Michael Ignatieff is electable.
Right now there are a lot of confirmed Iggy supporters who are starting to wonder whether or not they have backed the wrong horse.
Some people have suggested that Canadians aren't warming to Iggy because of his intellectual credentials. I don't buy this. Canadians don't mind that Ignatieff is the smartest guy in the room; what bugs us is that he acts like it. We can't relate to a guy like that. Personally, I'm happy if I'm the smartest guy in the elevator.
To be fair, though, acting like you're the smartest guy in the room is probably an occupational hazard that comes with being a Harvard professor. And this alone isn't fatal; in fact it's pretty common. Our current prime minister also thinks he's the smartest guy in the room—although when you consider the type of room Harper usually finds himself in, you can hardly blame him. When Harper exits a caucus meeting, it's not entirely clear if the title “smartest guy in the room” immediately shifts to his parliamentary secretary or to the jade plant.
My gut feeling that suddenly this is Rae's race is hardly scientific. There are still some people who think Iggy can take this sucker on the first ballot, and really the opinion of a non-delegate like me watching at home on the couch is entirely irrelevant.
Also, in the spirit of full disclosure I have to admit that there were times during the debate when I was not entirely awake; in fact, I think I nodded off a few times. I was, like so many other Canadians, simply killing time on a Sunday evening staring at the TV with a beer between my knees—and from that perspective Bob Rae is now the guy to beat.
FROM THE TELEPROMPTER OF MICHAEL IGNATIEFF | OCT. 16, 2006
Ladies and gentlemen, honoured guests, protester standing silently at the back of the room with a bag on his head, thank you for coming here today.
It has been almost one year now since I made the difficult decision to immigrate to Canada and run for the leadership of the Liberal Party of Canada. Since that time I have taken clear positions on difficult issues and I have taken difficult positions on clear issues. Unfortunately, many people do not seem to understand what I am talking about. If anyone is at fault here it is me; please bear with me, Canada, I am used to teaching the advanced class.
I asked you to come here today so that I might clarify my statements concerning an earlier clarification about a statement I may or may not have meant to make.
As you may know, earlier this year my summer vacation overseas was interrupted by a small war between Israel and Lebanon. The fact that my vacation was interrupted by this war is not in doubt. I have made myself unequivocally clear about this point.
After returning to Canada, I stated during a frank discussion about the war that I was not losing sleep over civilian deaths in Lebanon. Some people wrongly interpreted this to mean that I was not losing sleep over civilian deaths in Lebanon. What I should have said at the time was this: I am not losing sleep over civilian deaths in Lebanon because I suffer from hysterical narcolepsy, a rare neurological disorder. Because of this condition it is not just civilian deaths that I sleep through, but sometimes entire movies and even midair turbulence. I hope that by admitting this I will not only clear up an unfortunate misunderstanding but also help the other half dozen of my fellow Americans who suffer from this disorder. For too long we have suffered in silence.
Please visit www.hystericalnarcolepsy.org and learn more about this condition. Hysterical narcolepsy—the confusion is real.
Let us now deal with the elephant in the room. While campaigning in Quebec I stated that Israel was guilty of war crimes. Please know I made these comments in French and never intended them to be heard by English voters.Clearly everything I have read about the two solitudes is a fallacy. I now believe that the bridge between French and English Canada is the fluently bilingual Toronto Jew. In fact I would like to take a moment and speak directly to the good men and women of the Holy Blossom temple in Toronto. I say to you, my Jewish friends—join me! It's Iggy time! (Pause for applause)
Please, please sit. There is more! (Wave finger)
In an effort to keep this story in the media during the coming weeks, I have decided to visit Israel for myself. I think you will agree that the crucial last days of a leadership race is the perfect time for a candidate to leave Canada.
The purpose of this trip will be twofold. Not only will I be able to analyze and solve the Israel-Lebanon issue, but I have also requested that the Canada-Israel Committee, which is sponsoring this trip, arrange a stopover in Paris on the way back so I can get a good meal. I have been in Canada for months now and, my friends, I am getting antsy. (Chuckle kindly)
When I return from my pilgrimage to the Holy Land, I think you will see a refreshed and tanned Michael Ignatieff, one who is ready to tackle the job of running Canada for all of you. And when I say you, I mean the fishers, the farmers and the Mennonites who make this country strong.
Speaking of Canada, recently a little boy in Canada's countryside asked me a very intriguing question. “Sir,” he said, “why do you want to run all of Canada?”
I will tell you now what I told him then.
Canada is in my osseous tissue! (Pause for applause)
Like you, I care about Canadian values and Canadian pastimes. I know what it's like to clear one's mind and enjoy the thrust and parry that is found in an exciting ice hockey game. In fact, I don't mind admitting that I have always been, since the 1968 Trudeau leadership campaign in which I was a delegate, a supporter of the Toronto Maple Leafs. My support for the Leafs is something that is pure and true and can never be taken away from me. If there is a political price to pay for such an admission, I readily accept it. Mesdames et Messieurs, j'aime les Canadiens. Les Leafs de Toronto sont gay! Vive les Sens! Vive les Sens libre!
I want to thank you for your time today, ladies and gentlemen. And on a personal note, I would like to thank the numerous people who have sent me letters and cards e
ncouraging me during these recent dark, gaffe-riddled days of the campaign. But let me tell you this. When I embarked on this adventure I knew it would not be easy. And when the going gets tough, when I think I cannot bear another conversation with another Canadian or another question about Bob Rae, I simply close my eyes and think of that great Canadian Terry Fox. And it is that image of Terry Fox courageously circling the globe in his wheelchair that gives me the courage to move forward.
(Pause for really, really big round of applause)
Thank you for your support.
I embrace you!
THAT OTHER GUY (II)
RAE OF HOPE | SEPT. 20, 2006
I remember exactly where I was the moment I heard that Bob Rae wanted to be leader of the Liberal party. It's one of those seared-in-the-memory thingies, like recalling where you were when the Challenger blew up or you heard Stockwell Day is straight.
Bob Rae wanting to be Liberal leader seemed so bizarre I figured it was just a matter of time before he'd be on TV revealing the tragic results of the CAT scan.
Nothing against Rae, of course—I'm sure he means well—it's just that his record as NDP premier of Ontario will never go away. It's like herpes.
But watching the debate in Vancouver I realized that my initial reaction was way off. Believe it or not, Bob Rae has the big mo. Standing up there on the stage in front of all those Liberals, Bob Rae looked like a prime minister and Michael Ignatieff looked like he was digesting a bag of California spinach.
FISHING WITH
BOB RAE
Killarney Provincial Park.
Broadcast Oct. 10, 2006
RAE: I want to take the government away from being ideological … I think you've got to take care of people. I think you've got to have a government that provides some leadership that's pragmatic, that's thoughtful, that's not going to be based on these crappy, right-wing ideologies.
MERCER: Can you say that again, but in a funny way?
THE TRIALS OF
LORD BLACK
Finding myself rooting for Conrad Black is way up there on the list of things I never imagined I could or would do. But when push came to shove and his Lordship faced his accusers in Chicago I found myself rooting for the home team. Because despite his bizarre citizenship status, I still think of the guy as ours.
In the midst of his legal troubles he agreed to appear on the show and wax both figuratively and literally on the Canadian maple leaf. He did a great job at both.
At the time he was not allowed to leave the United States, so we arranged to shoot the segment at his home in Palm Beach, Florida. The day I spent with him there still resonates as one of the most surreal experiences of my life. And while he was certainly a charming and pleasant enough host, he struck me as every inch a prisoner, albeit in his own home.
Today, of course, he is a true prisoner, in a very ugly American prison.
I look forward to the day when he can walk out of that place, return to his home in Canada and resume his rightful place as the Canadian who bugs us more than any other.
Good luck on an early release, Connie!
TAKE BACK BLACK | MAR. 5, 2004
I like to watch the high and almighty fall as much as anyone, but watching Conrad Black suffer is just too painful. Every time they run his picture in the paper, the man looks like he's aged fifteen years. He looks like Gollum now.
One minute he's a multi-millionaire press baron and the next he's in danger of losing it all, his money and his reputation. He's said himself that this turn of events has made him a social pariah. And you know what that means. All the other lords are laughing and calling him names. They're not letting poor Conrad join any lord and lady games, like fox hunting and fancy-dress parties and stuff.
What are we as a nation going to do about it? Because from what I've heard it's very expensive to live in London, even if you're just a normal person. If you're a flat broke social leper, it must be almost impossible. He'll have no other choice but to totally reinvent himself. He'll have to become the wacky lord who sits in the pub and swallows pickled eggs for pints. And we don't want that. Not really.
So I propose that we take back Conrad Black. Sure he gave up his Canadian citizenship so he could become a lord, but that's all in the past now. The guy was born here, he made his fortune here, he became the giant poncy tool he is today here. The least we can do is offer him the benefit of the social safety net.
And if he has to go on welfare until he gets back on his feet, so be it. That's why we pay taxes, to help those less fortunate than us.
… AND NEVER LET HIM FORGET IT | OCT. 3, 2006
When I saw the headline in the newspaper I swear to God I heard angels sing. “Conrad Black wants Canadian citizenship back.” Cue the trumpets—it just doesn't get much better than this.
Seeing that headline made me so excited, I couldn't even read the bloody story. I picked up the paper and brought it home like it was a box of chocolates. I didn't even glance at the first sentence until everything was perfect. The coffee was brewed, my feet were up, the pillow behind my neck was just so. This was a moment to be savoured.
And it was a great moment. As I read that story, I don't think I ever felt more Canadian, because I knew that for perhaps the first time in our nation's history, everyone in Canada was on the same page. We were united. We were gloating as one.
And what a story—Conrad Black, a man who once had more than any of us could ever imagine, gladly gave up the one thing we all share and hold dear: a Canadian citizenship. And why? So he could go to Britain and become Lord Black of Crossdresser. And now, after telling the entire country to shove it, he wants back in.
I have to admit, the idea of Conrad Black down at the immigration office stuck in the back of a line behind some poor Somali dude with a bullet in his leg fills my heart with joy. The Schadenfreude is on bust here. Conrad is basically at the front door of Canada saying to every one of us, “I'm sorry, baby, I didn't mean it: Let me back in the house.”
And like so many Canadians, part of me wants to barricade the door, run up the stairs and start pouring hot bubbly oil out of the top window all over his little lord costume—the red one with the big white fur neck.
But unfortunately, that's not the Canadian way. I hate to say it, but I think we have to take the high road. We shouldn't humiliate the guy any more, no matter how much we want to. Bottom line is, it's fun to “kick up,” but it's unseemly to kick a guy when he's down. Granted, Conrad Black's version of being down is slightly different than for the rest of us. His assets are frozen and he must somehow get by on a measly $45,000 a month. There are rumours he might sell the Bentley
And besides, seeing Conrad fighting for his life in the American courts makes me root for the guy. As it stands now, he insists he will fight to the death in court and that there will be no plea bargain. He has even described himself, without a hint of irony, as a “freedom fighter.” Will future generations of university students and skateboarders take down the pictures of Che Guevara and replace them with woodcut prints of Lord Black?
Now just to be clear, I'm not suggesting Conrad should get special treatment—I'm suggesting he should be treated like a Canadian.
Because regardless of what was said, or what papers were signed in the heat of the moment, that's exactly what he is. Yes, he denied us, yes, we all heard the cock crow, but that had more to do with his getting into a peeing match with Jean Chrétien than anything else. That was then, this is now. I suggest we have to do the right thing, the Canadian thing, and give him the citizenship back—and then, being Canadian, we never ever let him forget it. We lord it over the lord forever. Amen.
WAXING LYRICAL
WITH CONRAD BLACK
At his Florida residence.
Broadcast Oct. 2, 2007
LORD BLACK: A perfectly waxed maple leaf … a great solace to everyone, and especially to those who, for complicated reasons can't, at first hand, observe the changing of the seasons this autumn in Canada.
JUNE 22, 2005
I know I'm cynical about these things, but when Bob Geldof tells Canada's prime minister to stay at home and skip the G8 summit, are we not supposed to laugh our asses off? Did a memo go out saying that aging rock stars are setting the agenda at the G8 now? Would the world be a better place if the Bob Geldofs were running it?
Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't think people like Sir Bob have a place on the world stage. If I was to hold an international symposium on getting off junk or the perils of autoerotic asphyxiation, I would expect a healthy number of rock stars with royal titles to take part.
Something tells me that Sir Bob is a little bitter about Bono getting too much attention.
NATIONS
WITHIN OUR
NATION
In this section I take a look around the Canadian mosaic, which still just about includes Quebec but unfortunately hasn't yet embraced the Turks and Caicos.
A while ago the Quebec bar association gave an award to the Right Honourable Brian Mulroney for his work in convincing Stephen Harper to recognize the Québécois as a nation. There are surely many more Harper-related accolades coming Mulroney's way. At some point in the near future Mulroney will have to be honoured for convincing Stephen Harper not only to act like him but to become him.