The Road To Forgiveness

by Justine Elvira

  He raises my hand with his and kisses the back, almost as a plea. His eyes show all the same emotions I’m feeling but can’t express. I can feel the tears start to form and I take a breath before I completely loose it.

  “I want to say yes to you, Sebastian. You have no idea how much it kills me to see you in pain. To know that I have the power to make it go away… but I can’t. I’ve been through too much. If anything were to happen to our child, it would break me. I would never recover from another loss like that. I’m barely holding it together as it is.”

  “What about the baby? Were you going to keep it from me? I deserved to know, Mia.” His tone grows angry as Sebastian starts to hit me with the harder questions.

  “No, I planned on telling you. Actually, I hoped you would raise it, maybe even with Darcy. I knew no one would love our baby more than you would. I left because I need to go through this pregnancy on my own. I couldn’t risk you convincing me to stay and raise the baby with you.”

  Sebastian gets up and starts to pace the room. The muscles in his arms start to bulge as his hands fist at his sides. He is angry, which I expected.

  “Sebastian, I…”

  “Don’t say anything. Just give me a minute to process this.”

  I shut my mouth and obey Sebastian. He needs me to be silent and it’s the least I can do after what I’ve put him through. After several minutes of pacing the room, his eyebrows lift and a smile starts to spread across his face. He continues his pacing but he looks a little happier doing it, almost elated.

  His eyes lock on mine and he makes his way back on to the sofa with me.

  “How are you with compromising?”

  “Sebastian, that’s not going to work.”

  “What’s not going to work? I haven’t even told you my compromise. There is a real possibility everything can still work in your favor.”

  I look up into the sea of blue looking down on me; I want to say yes to his compromise, even before I hear it.

  “I’m not real great at compromising. You should know this by now,” I say to him.

  “Well, I’m not use to not getting exactly what I want but sometimes we have to step out of our comfort zone.” The cocky Sebastian is showing himself. I hate to admit I’ve missed this side of him.

  “Let me hear what the compromise is before I decide. What exactly were you thinking?”

  “It’s December. We’re only a few weeks away from Christmas and then New Years. Let me stay with you for the next month. A month is all I ask and… I also want you to start seeing a therapist.”

  I look at him like he has completely lost his mind.

  “No, absolutely not.”

  “Listen to me, I’m not finished. If in a month you still don’t want to start a life with me, start a family… I’ll leave. The only other time you will ever see me is when I take our baby back to live with me.

  “This is my compromise. Take it or leave it but if you don’t take it… then I’m not going to be so appeasing. I will stay here and follow you, spend time with your family and embed myself in your life until you are begging me to take you back. It’s completely your decision.”

  I stare at him with an open mouth. This isn’t a decision. This is me, choosing between a rock and a hard place.

  “Wow. I feel so blessed that you are being so understanding in all this,” I say sarcastically.

  “What can I say, I’m just that kind of guy,” he says in a mocking tone.

  My stomach starts to dance as I feel my morning sickness start to take over. It really does show up at the most inconvenient time. The one thing it does is remind me that I might need him the next couple weeks. I’m on bed rest from the doctor, so I won’t be able to do much and this morning sickness doesn’t seem to be going away.

  “Can I think about it?” I clamp my hand over my mouth, as I will myself not to throw up.

  “Sure, you have until the end of the day to let me know your decision.” He moves over to me, ignoring the green look on my face and the fact that I am trying everything in my power not to be sick. His mouth lowers to my ear, “I love compromising with you. I can’t wait to show you how great at compromising I am. I always get my way in the end and incase you didn’t notice… My way is having you, in my bed, a ring on your finger and our baby in the next room. So you better start focusing on that because in the end, that is our future.”

  His words spread warmth throughout my body and butterflies start to form in my stomach with anticipation. Unfortunately, this is all it takes for my stomach to shoot over the edge. Sebastian moves his lips from my ear as I bend over and vomit in his lap.

  Chapter Seven

  “So how do you like being home? I’m sure your mother is deliriously happy that you are back. She missed you like crazy sweetheart.”

  I’m sitting at Aunt B’s Diner with Charlie and waiting to place our order. My legs are up, resting on another chair. Sitting like this is the only way I could get Charlie and Sebastian to agree to let me go out.

  Aunt B’s is one of my favorite restaurants in town. This town may have under a thousand residents but it has plenty of diners to choose from. Aunt B’s was one of my favorites because she makes the best potato pancakes with homemade applesauce.

  We are sitting in a booth towards the back of the diner. This is partially for privacy and partially to ignore the stares from everyone in town. Charlie being back is bound to be the new gossip for the week.

  “It’s okay. I’ve been trying to establish a better relationship with momma. Some days are better than others. She really misses you though. You should have seen her face light up last night when she heard you were back in town.”

  He takes a sip of his coffee as our waitress heads over.

  “I’m so sorry it took so long to get over to you and take your order. There was a little mishap in the kitchen. What can I get for you, Mia?”

  I smile politely at Ruth. She’s been a waitress here for as long as I can remember.

  “I’ll have the potato pancakes with a side of fruit, please.”

  I hand her back the menu as she turns to face Charlie.

  “How ‘bout you, Charlie?”

  “I’ll have the same as Mia but instead of fruit, give me two sides of bacon.”

  “No problem, darling. I’ll get that going for you.” Ruth takes his menu and leaves us be.

  “I’m not back, Mia.”

  This statement startles me.

  “Excuse me?”

  “You said your mother was happy I was back in town. You know I’m not back, right? I just came to see if you were okay. I’ll stay for a few days and then I’m going back to Chicago.”

  I physically can feel a lump forming in my throat. I know Charlie’s visit would be brief but I missed him so much. I didn’t realize how much until I saw him yesterday. I don’t know if my mother can handle him leaving again.

  “I know. How did it go with Momma last night?”

  “Your Momma is a complicated woman. Lets leave it at that,” he says as he looks anywhere but at me.

  “What does that mean?”

  He lets out a huff in annoyance as he explains, “It means I sat down with her and tried to have a discussion. She didn’t want to discuss things, she wanted to do something else.”

  “Like what,” I ask in total confusion.

  Charlie looked at me so innocently as he raised his eyebrows. He looked a little uncomfortable and that is when it clicks.

  “Ewe, gross. I don’t want to hear that. You didn’t do it, did you? Knowing you were just going to leave.”

  “I never am able to resist your Momma, Mia.”

  I’ve officially lost my appetite. Knowing my mother has an active sex life and hearing about it are two different things.

  It must be the overactive hormones going through my body because I want to cry in that moment. Knowing my mother is going to have to deal with the loss of Charlie again breaks my heart.

  “I can’t believe you’re jus
t going to leave her again. She wants you back, Charlie.”

  “Sweetheart, there are things you don’t know. Its not that easy.“

  I cut him off, “Why not? You love it here, in Riceboro. You can’t honestly tell me you like living in Chicago. The weather sucks, there are too many people, and you can’t find southern cooking anywhere. Oh, and Momma is here, not in Chicago.”

  He looks angry but not at me. I can tell he wants to say something to me but is holding back. Why, I don’t know.

  “Say it, Charlie. What’s on your tongue?”

  “I KILLED HIM!” He shouts at me. “Is that what you want to hear? I can’t come back here because I can’t stand knowing you Momma looks at me differently. She looks at me like I’m the reason that precious little boy is dead.”

  Tears pour down my face. Charlie’s heartbreak hurts me more than my own because he blames himself. It isn’t his fault Miles died. He needs to stop blaming himself.

  “Charlie-“

  “No. Do you know how much I miss him? That little boy was my life. I thought of him as my own flesh and blood. He made so many bad days good and I miss him, everyday. I can’t bear to loose your Momma, too. Me leaving makes it easier. I don’t have to hear the words when she decides she can’t be around me anymore.”

  “Charlie, it’s not your fault. I have never blamed you for his death. You were the best grandpa he could ever have and he thought the world of you. I remember how excited he was that morning. He was going to have boy time with you before school. He rushed out of bed so fast just so he wouldn’t miss a second with you.

  “When I look back at all the mistakes I made that day, I never think putting you in his life was one of them. I actually hold on to the fact that, I know he was happy in the moments before his death. I see his big smile as you pulled out of my driveway and it helps me to remember he had a happy life. Don’t you ever blame yourself Charlie. It breaks my heart that your are carrying that guilt.”

  We both have tears in our eyes now. I don’t know what else there is to say.

  “And how about you, Mia? You mean to tell me your okay and don’t put any of the blame on yourself?”

  “That’s different. I was the reason our schedule changed that morning. I am to blame.”

  “That’s bull crap and you know it. If you honestly believe I am not to blame then you’re not to blame either. Your situation is no different than mine. Maybe if we stop blaming ourselves then we can focus on forgiveness.”

  I look up at him and speak honestly, “I don’t need to forgive you, Charlie, because I don’t blame you?”

  “I wasn’t talking about me, Sweetheart. I was talking about you, needing to forgive yourself.”

  I take in his words and reflect on them in the next few moments. I don’t need to forgive myself. That’s ridiculous. You can’t forgive yourself when it involves the death of your son.

  Ruth comes back over with our breakfast and I am grateful for the interruption. I’m suddenly overtaken with hunger. We eat in silence as I enjoy every mouth-watering bite of Aunt B’s potato pancakes.

  “So can we talk about another one of the elephant’s in the room?” Charlie asks me.

  Okay, so now I was going to have to explain Sebastian. It wasn’t lost on me that I was being a little hypocritical of Charlie in regards to his relationship with my mother. I was doing something similar to Sebastian.

  “Umm… sure, I guess.”

  He reaches over the table to grabs my hand lovingly. “It’s all over town. Your Momma said that everyone here still thinks that asshole rapist is innocent. According to the paper, it looks like he might have a real chance at getting released.”

  He wants to talk about Kyle.

  “Yeah, well, I guess all we can do is wait to see what happens. All I’ve read is that there is new evidence to suggest that he wasn’t involved.”

  “Your Momma said that some of the previous evidence was tampered with. She heard it from Miss Suzanne over at the bakery.”

  I really did not want to have to deal with the panic attack that was starting to take over my body. I’d heard the rumors. I had even read a few articles in the paper but that didn’t mean I wanted to talk about it.

  “You know how gossip is in this town, Charlie. You can’t always believe what you hear. Besides, I’m not going to think about it. It has nothing to do with my case. He wasn’t put away for raping me. I just hope that piece of shit gets what he deserves. Let’s end it at that.”

  Charlie get’s the hint and drops the subject. The topic of Kyle Monroe has made my appetite disappear. I put my napkin over what little is remaining on my plate.

  “You ready to go, Sweetheart?”

  “I can wait until you finish your coffee. I’m in no rush.”

  This was true. The sooner we finish, the sooner I have to go back to Sebastian and give him my answer.

  Charlie pays the tab and we head out of Aunt B’s Diner.

  “Why don’t we take a walk around town before we head back?”

  I look up at him, “Sounds great.”

  We walk and enjoy the perfect weather Georgia is having. The sun is shining and bringing warmth to my face. It’s December 11th, two weeks before Christmas. The sixty-degree weather is enough of a reason to celebrate.

  We take our time and look in the windows of the little boutiques. I see my old hair salon, the drug store where I used to buy my prenatal vitamins, and my favorite ice cream shop. This place has the best turtle sundaes around.

  “So how long have you been seeing Sebastian?”

  I almost got away without talking about this.

  “We aren’t seeing each other, Charlie. We dated for a little while in Miami, I got pregnant, and then I left.”

  “So you ran.”

  We stop at the end of the strip of stores and sit down on the green bench at the corner. I guess I could talk to Charlie about this. I need to talk to someone about this. Someone other than Sebastian.

  “Yes, I ran. I can’t be a mother again. I can’t do it. The love I have for Miles is indescribable. It’s the most selfless love there is. I know I would feel the same way about this baby and I can’t imagine loving someone so much and losing them again.”

  I start to cry again and inwardly curse these damn hormones. They are fucking with my emotions.

  “But you’re doing it to yourself again, don’t you see. You’re still going to give birth to this baby. You’re still going to see it’s beautiful face and feel that instant connection and love. Your still going to go through a horrible loss the minute you give your child to Sebastian and vow to never see your baby again. You’re not saving yourself from heartache, Mia. You’re allowing more heartache in.”

  I have never thought of it that way. Giving my baby up probably would break me. It would be a loss but if I kept it, I would feel like I was betraying the memory of Miles.

  “What about Miles? Don’t you think it looks like I am forgetting about him?”

  “Oh, Sweetheart,” Charlie says as he brings his thumb to my face to wipe the tear from my eyes. “Miles would want you to be happy. You were his world and he would be upset to know you were putting yourself through this. He is happy now, in heaven. You need to find away to let this guilt go. DO you remember how he used to ask you for a little brother or sister.”

  I let out a small laugh, “Yes, the kid was relentless and didn’t understand why I couldn’t come home with one. He thought it was like bringing home a puppy.”

  “Right. Do you honestly think he would be happy to know that you finally gave him a sibling and were getting rid of it? Giving it to someone else to raise and take care of?

  “You have a wonderful man waiting on you, ready to start a life with you. He wants you and the baby. I find that to be a precious gift and it would break my heart to see you walk away from that.”

  Charlie leans over and kisses me on the forehead. “I’ll make a deal with you. If you give Sebastian a chance, and I mean a real chance, I�
��ll stay and try to work thing out with your Momma.”

  I gasp, “That’s not fair, Charlie. That’s bribery and you know it!”

  He laughs a big belly laugh, “No, it’s called a compromise.”

  What was up with everyone and their compromises today? I feel like the joke is on me because I’m the one who has to make the changes while everyone else gets what they want.

  “This is cruel, Charlie. You know I would do anything to get you and Momma back together.”

  Well, I guess it’s settled,” Charlie says as he stands up and reaches out his hand to help me up. “Let’s go back to your Momma’s house and see if she has any dessert we can eat.”

  “It’s not even noon yet.”

  “Like that’s ever stopped us from eating dessert together. Besides, you’re eating for two now.” He winks at me as we make our way back to Jonathon’s car. Letting me contemplate everything he’s just told me.

  *****

  I pull up to Jonathon’s apartment and turn off the engine. After dropping off Charlie at my Momma’s and eating half an apple pie, I left to go visit Miles. I shared with him all the crazy events that happened in the last twenty-four hours.

  I told him how Charlie was back and was going to try to make things work with his grandma. I also told him how I was going to hang around Sebastian a little more and see where things lead.

  It kills me to talk to him about this but I needed to share with him. It makes me feel better when I tell him about my life. Almost like he isn’t missing out.

  When the cemetery closed I made my way over to Jonathon’s. I need to grab a bag with some clothes if I am going to be staying with Sebastian for a while. I step out of the car and head up to Jonathon’s apartment. When I let myself in, I’m smacked in the face with the most amazing smell of herbs and spices.

  “Holy cow, it smells delicious in here. What are you making?”

  I turned the corner to see Jonathon straightening his clothes and wiping his mouth from a heavy-duty make-out session with, I’m assuming his date next to him.