Time for Silence

by Philippa Carr

  I felt a great affection for her in that moment. I think she cared for Edward, and the idea of going with him back to his country away from the ominous shadow which had fallen on her life seemed wonderful to her. If only they could all go…

  But that was not possible.

  Poor Gretchen! She was undecided.

  It would be her family who would make up her mind for her; and they did.

  Kurt was overcome with gratitude; so were Helmut and the parents; and it was decided that when we left we would take her with us for a holiday.

  It was our last day. We were to leave the following morning. Kurt would drive us to the station and in due course the long journey to the coast would begin. We seemed almost like different people from those who had arrived here. I felt I should never be the same again. Whenever I saw anything beautiful I should look for the canker lurking beneath.

  I went to say goodbye to the grandparents of whom we had seen very little during our stay, as they kept mainly to their own rooms.

  Grossvater was reading the Scriptures and smiled at me rather vaguely. I told him that I should be leaving soon and he smiled on me benignly and gave me his blessing.

  Then I went to Grossmutter who was seated in her rocking chair, her knitting in her hand. She was less vague and gave me a warm smile.

  “It is good of you to come,” she said. I was amazed that she could speak English; and during my stay here I had improved on my school German to some extent so that conversation was possible.

  “Grossvater and I, we are the old ones. We stay here in our rooms…like two pieces of furniture which are no longer much use.”

  I protested at this.

  “Oh, yes,” she said. “Two pieces of furniture without use but which must not be thrown away.” She laid a hand on my arm. “They tell me that Gretchen is going back with you.”

  “Yes, we thought it a good idea.”

  “What you saw down there…” She put her face closer to mine. “It told you much…?”

  “It was a shock.”

  She nodded. “You now know…”

  “It was so unexpected…so pointless.”

  She shook her head. “It has always been,” she said somberly. “I was told it would be different here…and it was so…for a long time. You see, I do not belong to this country. I am a Brandt only by marriage. When I was eight years old I came here from Russia.”

  “So you are Russian by birth?”

  She nodded. “There it was the same. They called it the pogrom. We never knew when it would happen. Then we would be up…leaving much behind…and off we went. So it is to me not new…though a long time ago.”

  “This cruel persecution. It seems so senseless to me.”

  “It is a hatred of our race.”

  “But why?”

  “Ask the Lord. Only He will know. But it has always been. My family thought that coming here would be different. But you see, it has followed us here. We come to Germany…we leave all behind. I was young. I do not remember clearly. It was a long journey. I remember we had a wheelbarrow. We brought what we could. We were so weary. We slept anywhere we could find a place. Some people were kind to us. I do not know how long it went on. When you are young you forget so much. There are gaps in the memory. One forgets what one does not want to remember.”

  “Does it upset you to recall it?”

  She shook her head. “It helps,” she said. “What happened then…what happens now. There is a pattern to life. That was the beginning…and now it seems I return to it at the end.”

  “I am so sorry.”

  “It is life. We settled in Germany. We think, this is the good country. It seemed so. Those who worked hard were rewarded. My father became a tailor. He was very good. He worked hard. We were poor for a long time…but then he has his own shop. Then he has two shops…and three. I had brothers. We all worked together. Then one day, when I was in the shop, a handsome man comes in. My father is to make a suit for him. We met and fell in love. It was the Grossvater.”

  “And you were happy then?”

  “Very happy. I came to the schloss. I have been here ever since. At first it was wonderful and then the war comes. Then not so good. Disaster and defeat. We were not rich any more. But we kept on at the schloss and things grew better. We are becoming prosperous again…and then…”

  “This started,” I said. “But to you it was not entirely unexpected.”

  She shook her head. “I was waiting for it. It has happened to others. My son thought we were too remote…not important enough. We have never made much show that we are Jewish. Someone must have told.”

  I knew who that was. Else had informed her lover.

  I did not mention this as the girl was still with them and I guessed it would disturb Grossmutter.

  “I want you to know how happy I am that you are taking Gretchen with you. She is a dear girl…a good girl. They are pleased…my son and his wife…that the good Edward feels love for her. He will take care of her.”

  “I wish we could take you all.”

  She laughed. “You are a good girl. I knew that when I first saw you. Your sister…your twin, eh?…she is very attractive…but light-hearted. You are a good, kind girl. It is a great weight from our minds that Gretchen goes with you.”

  “I am so glad that she is coming.”

  “And the young man…he is a good young man. Earnest…reliable…I hope much that all will go as we hope. It is the old pattern. It is with us through the ages. It is our heritage…and who are we to question it? My dear child, I shall think of you and be so grateful that you came to us. You will see what is happening here and you can tell your people at home.”

  I bent and kissed her wrinkled cheek and she put out a hand and touched mine.

  “May the blessing of the Lord God go with you,” she said.

  When I came down, Frau Brandt said to me: “Grossmutter has been talking to you?”

  “Yes,” I said. “It was very moving.”

  “Her childhood in Russia?”

  “Yes,” I answered.

  “Poor Grossmutter. She is sad about all this. She thought she had done with that when she left her homeland all those years ago. Now here it is again. We have been through some hard years and now that we seem to be coming to some prosperity again…this comes. Well, I want you to know how grateful we are to you for taking Gretchen back with you.”

  “She is worried about leaving you.”

  “Yes, poor Gretchen. But she wants to go…if she stayed she could not be happy to say goodbye to Edward.”

  “I know.”

  Her eyes shone with hope. “And now we are happy for her…and so grateful to you all. I worry about her more than Kurt and Helmut. The boys can take better care of themselves. We shall be thinking of you.”

  “And we shall be thinking of you.”

  “Yes, I know. This has not been just a holiday…a brief stay with friends, has it? What happened the other night has been significant. I do not want Gretchen to grieve for us. Our people have been persecuted throughout the ages. It has made us strong. We have suffered in the past and we shall in the future. But we shall survive. We always have.”

  She took me into her arms and we embraced.

  She was right. What had happened—deeply shocking as it was—had brought us all together.

  Soon after that we said our final farewells and left.

  We crossed the Channel that night. The sea was calm and we sat on deck, huddled in rugs, for the night air was chilly.

  The stars were brilliant against a dark blue velvet sky. There were not many people on deck. The majority of the passengers had decided to stay below. Not far from me sat Gretchen and Edward, their chairs close. I saw that they were holding hands. And then there was Dorabella and Dermot Tregarland. To her delight, Dermot had traveled with us.

  So much had happened during that brief holiday. Love was much in evidence. I thought the course of four people’s lives had been changed—five if I c
onsidered my own, for what touched Dorabella must be of importance to me, too. Romance and love were charming, and on this occasion they had blossomed among much which was ugly.

  I felt apart. Looking up at the stars, I was aware of the enormity of the universe. I felt alone and rather sad, shut out in a way. Edward and Gretchen…Dorabella and Dermot…

  I wondered if this was significant and whether love was destined to pass me by.

  The Cornish Adventure

  WE PARTED FROM DERMOT in London. He went to Paddington to get his train to Cornwall, and Dorabella, Edward, Gretchen, and I caught the first train to Hampshire.

  From London I telephoned home to ask them to meet us and to take the opportunity to explain that Gretchen would be with us.

  I spoke to my father. I was glad he answered, for he always accepted what we did as a matter of course. My mother might have been inclined to want explanations.

  “We’re home, Daddy,” I said.

  “Wonderful.” I could never hear his voice after an absence without emotion. “What time is your train, darling?”

  I told him.

  “Daddy,” I went on, “we’ve got someone with us. It’s Kurt’s sister. We want her to stay for a while. Tell you all about it when we meet.”

  “That’s fine,” he said. “I’ll tell your mother. Can’t wait to see you. It seems a long time.”

  I was smiling when I put down the telephone. I was thinking of all we had to tell them.

  Gretchen said rather apprehensively: “Did you tell them I was with you?”

  “I did.”

  “And…er…do they mind? What did your mother say?”

  “It was my father. He just said, ‘That’s fine.’ They’re used to our bringing people home from school, aren’t they, Dorabella?”

  “Oh, yes,” she said. “Without notice, too. They never minded.”

  She was looking a little bereft because she had had to part with Dermot, although they had made arrangements to see each other very soon. He was going to be asked to visit us. I knew it would not be long before the invitation would be issued. My parents would be very eager to see him.

  They were both at the station to greet us. Dorabella and I flung ourselves at them, and we all hugged each other as though we had been apart for months. There were tears in my mother’s eyes.

  “I’m so glad you’re home,” she said. “And you are looking well.” She glanced at Dorabella. Her perceptive eyes had recognized that something had happened.

  I said: “There are lots and lots of things to tell you.”

  “Well,” said my father, “let’s get the luggage in and then we’ll hear all about it.”

  “And this is Gretchen…Kurt’s sister.”

  “Hello, Gretchen,” said my mother. “How nice of you to visit us.”

  She kissed Edward and he gave her that special look which meant he needed her help. She was excited. She loved to be involved in family affairs and, of course, Edward was one of the family in her eyes.

  It was always wonderful to come home. It had been like this coming home from school. There was always so much we had to tell them.

  It was comforting to see Caddington again. Everything seemed so right there. There was nothing ugly lurking in the dark corners of our home.

  Dorabella was soon telling them about the most marvelous man we had ever met. “He must be asked here, Mummy. You’ll love him.”

  My mother was all eagerness to hear. Dorabella prattled on.

  “He lives in Cornwall. He is Cornish, actually. Dermot Tregarland. Isn’t it a lovely name? He’s very amusing, isn’t he, Violetta? We liked him very much.”

  “What was he doing in Germany?” asked my mother.

  “Walking.”

  “You met him at the schloss.”

  “Well, not exactly. He was staying in the town.”

  “I look forward to learning all about him. And he is coming here, you say?”

  “You’ll love him,” repeated Dorabella.

  “When is he coming?”

  “I thought we’d work that out with you.”

  “I’m glad of that,” said my mother with light-hearted irony. Then she turned to Gretchen and said how glad she was that her family had let her come to stay with us.

  Gretchen replied that it was indeed good of her to allow her to do so.

  My mother did not say that she had been given no choice in the matter, but I saw the amused smile on her lips.

  She had once mentioned the fact to my father that we rarely consulted her about the people we brought home and it was the custom for her to be presented with them at a moment’s notice. To this he had replied in his indulgent way: “Well, darling, it is their home, you know.”

  When we arrived at the house, Gretchen expressed the usual admiration of its antiquity. Robert came dashing out. He was back from Devon and would, to his chagrin, soon be going back to school. He was introduced to Gretchen.

  “Kurt’s sister,” he said. “Where’s Kurt? Why didn’t you bring him back?”

  “How was Devon?” I asked.

  “Brilliant,” he said. “But I’d rather have been in Germany. It must have been fun.”

  And so we had arrived home.

  No sooner was I in my room than my parents came to see me. I had expected them. They would want to know more about this young man whom Dorabella seemed to be so involved with.

  I gave them a brief account of what had happened, how we had met Dermot, how he had rescued us when we might have been lost in the forest, and I went on to the attack on the schloss and the reason why we had brought Gretchen with us.

  They were astounded and deeply shocked.

  “Poor Edward,” said my mother. “He seems to be fond of the girl.”

  “It is all rather sudden,” said my father.

  “Well, these things happen,” put in my mother. “Of course, Edward has visited them before and she is Kurt’s sister. Sooner or later he would be thinking of marriage. But what of Dorabella’s affair? She is very young.”

  “We are the same age,” I reminded her.

  “Yes…but she always seems younger. And…she is very impressionable.”

  “It may probably blow over,” suggested my father.

  “Violetta, how does it seem to you?” asked my mother. “You’ve seen her go through these stages before.”

  “I think this is rather more than usual.”

  “Really! And what do you think of the young man?”

  “He’s very pleasant…very charming. He was extremely good at getting us out of the forest.”

  They wanted a more detailed account of that adventure.

  “It seems a very dangerous place,” said my mother, frowning.

  “It seemed idyllic until all that happened. Then it became horrible. But it is what is happening all over Germany.”

  I could see their minds were on Dorabella.

  “We’ll ask the young man here as soon as possible,” said my mother. “Then we’ll see what we think of him.”

  “Perhaps Dorabella has already made up her mind that she is going to marry him,” suggested my father.

  “She has been known to change her mind…”

  At that moment Dorabella herself came bursting in.

  “I knew I’d find you here. Learning all about it, of course, from sensible Violetta. Well, what has she been telling you?”

  “About the adventurous time you had in Germany,” said my father.

  “Oh, it was wonderful…until all that put an end to it. Dermot was marvelous, wasn’t he, Violetta? The way he got us out of that place…and then he rescued us in the forest, you know.”

  “He was the perfect knight,” I said.

  “Actually, he is really rather marvelous. Wait until you two see him.”

  “I suggest we do not wait too long before we do,” said my mother. “We’ll invite him very soon.”

  Dorabella hugged her.

  “You will love him. You really will. I have
never met anyone quite like him. He’s the nearest thing to Daddy you can have.”

  My father was greatly touched, but I could see my mother was wondering whether this was just another of Dorabella’s transient enthusiasms.

  Edward took Gretchen to see my grandparents. Their house was as much home to him as ours was, for my mother had only been about sixteen when she took him home and her mother had really brought him up.

  A few weeks after our return Dermot Tregarland visited us. People sometimes seem different against another background and I wondered whether Dermot would. But no, he was the same exuberant, charming person at Caddington as he had been in the Böhmerwald.

  He was interested in the house, which he naturally compared with his own home. There were many similarities, he told us. He wanted us all to pay a visit to Cornwall soon.

  By this time it was mid-September and Dermot stayed with us for two weeks and, I think, during that time my parents decided that he would be a suitable match for their daughter.

  He met people in the neighborhood—the doctor and his family, the rector and his—and although there was as yet no announcement of an engagement, it was taken for granted that he was Dorabella’s fiancé.

  Dorabella was at the height of excitement. She was radiant and her happiness enhanced her beauty.

  In contrast to her exuberance, I felt faintly depressed. I was lusterless beside her. I came to the conclusion that I did not want change. I wanted us to be schoolgirls again. Perhaps I was a little resentful that she needed me less. Someone else had moved closer to her. Dorabella was in love. I was dearly loved by my family, but it was not the same.

  Perhaps I felt envious. Always before, when people noticed her and made much of her, I accepted the fact that I lacked her charm, and I had been pleased that she was so popular. I might be becoming a little tired of being the sensible one…the one who was expected to take responsibility…the one who must be there when needed to help Dorabella.

  It had been my role to look after her, and although sometimes I may have complained, I did not want that changed.

  I often thought back to that moment when Else’s young man had suddenly stood up and begun the riot. I thought that after that nothing would ever be the same again.