An Officer but No Gentleman

by M. Donice Byrd

  And he thought he was madly in love with her.

  It was obvious he wanted to be in love with Charlie and wanted her to love him back therefore he had created this fantasy in his mind. It would take some time, he was sure, but eventually he would have some clarity where Charlie was concerned, also.

  Grayson must have been right. Although Grayson believed Charlie had only latched onto him to improve her lot, Jaxon felt it was less cut and dry than that. Charlie had to have been frightened by being abandoned by her ship. Yes, her reasons for choosing him over someone like Daniel probably was the knowledge that Jaxon had fewer options with women. Not many women could look past his scars, but he reminded himself, even before she knew her ship had left, Charlie looked him straight in the eye.

  It was pitiful to admit, that was all it took.

  Criminy, she was such a contradiction. At one moment she was afraid of nothing, the next, she seemed terribly vulnerable.

  It was unfair to compare Charlie to Millie, he knew. They were nothing alike. Charlie was thoughtful. Even on her first day aboard, she had brought his meal to his cabin and she worried about him when he had a fever. He choked up when he thought about what she did for Jimmy when he lay dying. She didn’t even know him and although he was unconscious and probably didn’t hear a word of it, she tried to comfort him.

  And if there was an opposite of feeling entitled that would have been Charlie. It wasn’t that she felt unworthy; it was simply that she had such a great appreciation for everything given to her. Who ever heard of a woman crying over a pair of silk stockings?

  He smiled at the thought. She was so naïve and innocent about so many things. Not as innocent as she had been before he met her.

  Criminy. He ruined her. He would have never touched her if he wasn’t going to marry her. That was not well done of him at all.

  Damnation.

  Jaxon didn’t want to think of the prospect of Charlie marrying sometime in the future and having to explain why her virginity had already been lost. He had heard tales of men nearly beating their wives to death over that very thing. Charlie might be able to defend herself from violence, but some men might make her pay in other ways.

  With a scowl marring his face, he approached his townhouse and saw his younger sister Jayne sitting on the steps. She jumped up when she spotted him.

  “Hello, Jaxon. Where’s Charlie?”

  Jaxon didn’t know how to tell her that they had decided to go their separate ways.

  “She’s on her ship.”

  “Oh,” she said. “Do you suppose since I’m here, I could look at the books in your library.”

  “Of course,” he said unlocking the door and letting her enter the house first. “Did you come over to see Charlie?”

  “There’s so much to do and so little time. I want you to know I’m taking my role as maid of honor very seriously.”

  “Jayne, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Charlie and I aren’t getting married.”

  His sister gasped, her eyes wide with surprise. “Jaxon, you can’t.”

  “I can’t?”

  “My heavens, we will all be ruined. Can’t you see? This is your second broken engagement, the first one after an extended engagement and this one after you’ve ruined Charlie’s reputation. I can only imagine what people have been saying about Charlie staying in your house. They no doubt tried to overlook it since you planned to marry her, but now…. You’ll ruin the whole family.”

  “No one will judge the rest of the family based on my actions. Our family has always been respectable.”

  “No? Mother wanted me to debut last year, but now mothers will steer their sons away from me because if one child has bad morals, the others might as well. The only attention I will get is from men who hope my principles match yours.”

  “Your four oldest brothers will see to it no one gives you the wrong type of attention.”

  “This is not about me,” she snapped. “Anyone who’s ever met Charlie knows how naïve she is. They will say you took advantage—nay, unfair advantage of her ignorance. You will be the worst type of villain.”

  Jaxon ran his hand through his hair. “I told her this morning, I would do right by her and she said it didn’t matter—she would probably never marry.”

  Jayne gasped at the implication and struck him on the chest. “Are you telling me you ruined more than her reputation?”

  Jaxon cringed realizing Jayne did not know he had slept with her until that moment. She had simply taken him at his word that he would wait until the marriage.

  “You promised Mother that you could wait.”

  “Jayne—”

  “Jaxon—Do you not understand why Charlie said she would not marry someone else? There are only two reasons I can think of. Either she will not marry because you have ruined her or because she cannot imagine marrying anyone but you.”

  He hated being lectured by a girl barely out of the school room, but he let her continue because he knew she was saying what everyone would say.

  “I told you already, she will not have me.”

  “If you love her, you will find a way to convince her.”

  He stared at his younger sister and hesitantly admitted, “I don’t know if I ever loved her.”

  Jayne struck him again. “You don’t know? You ruined a maiden you did not love? You truly are a reprobate.”

  “I thought I loved her. I was just wrong.”

  “Well, then it will be doubly dreadful when you’re forced to take her as wife.”

  Jaxon stared at the young woman before him and wondered where his timid sister had gone.

  Jayne held her hand out in front of her brother’s face and slowly counted to ten as she tried to calm her breathing. “Perhaps, Jax, Charlie is too naïve to understand what her ruination means. I cannot believe she would choose ruin to marriage.” Her lips pursed as tears reddened her eyes. “I always thought you and I were of a kindred mind and I recognized that same trait in Charlie. But you have ruined her and thrown her over like yesterday’s leavings.”

  “It is not like that,” he protested, hating hearing the harshness of her words.

  “It is like that. What would you do if a man had ruined me like that?”

  Jaxon’s brow lowered at the comparison. He hated to admit she was right.

  “I will talk to her again. I will make sure she understands. But I will not force her. Charlie may be naïve, but she is far from a simpleton. If she will not have me, what am I to do?”

  Jayne sighed shakily. “Please, brother, do talk to her. Charlie may be your only hope to find a wife. Even without the scars, two broken engagements would be the death knell of most men socially,” Jayne said. “I shall keep this to myself for the time being, but I will tell Mother if I have to.”

  30

  It was 7:00 o’clock in the morning when Jaxon heard the knocking at his front door. He’d barely stepped out of the tub and had only a towel wrapped around himself. Jaxon cursed and for one moment wished he employed some sort of servant who could answer the door. Jaxon threw on a dressing robe and hurried down the stairs cursing whoever would call at such an ungodly hour as the devil himself and a scoundrel. Soaking had done little to alleviate the pain in his leg and now having to face the stairs an extra time irked him.

  “Who in their right mind knocks on someone’s door at 7:00 o’clock in the morning?” Jaxon shouted as he angrily flung open the door.

  “I’m obviously not in my right mind or I wouldn’t be here at all.”

  “Charlie, uh.”

  “I’m sorry, I know it’s early. I just wanted to catch you at home so I could get my boots. This pair is too small and...”

  Jaxon stepped back allowing her entrance. “Come on up,” he said indicating the stairs with a flourish of his hand, knowing if she didn’t go upstairs to get them herself, he’d have to face the stairs yet one more time to bring them down.

  Charlie hesitated. She knew it was improper, but it wasn’t as
if she was going to allow anything to happen. She also knew Jaxon wasn’t the sort of man to force himself on a woman. With a slight sigh of resignation, Charlie climbed the stairs. She was nearly to the top when she turned to speak to Jaxon and saw him holding his leg and grimacing as he slowly climb the stairs behind her.

  “What’s wrong with your leg?”

  “It’s just that old injury acting up.” He didn’t want to tell her he it was because of their near fall on the dance floor for fear that she would feel he blamed her.

  “Would you like me to massage it for you?” Charlie offered.

  Yes.

  “No.”

  “I don’t mind. I know it always helped.”

  Jaxon did not miss the subdued tone of her voice or the lack of fire in her eyes. He could tell their estrangement was as hard on her as it was on him. There was a part of him that wanted to bundle her up in his arms and tell her he would make everything all right. All he wanted at that moment was take her pain away, but everything had gone so far astray that he doubted he could set them back on the path.

  “I’ve been soaking it in the hot bath.”

  Charlie shrugged. “It doesn’t look like soaking it is helping,” she said from the landing waiting for him to catch up.

  It’s not.

  “I thought I would take Jimmy’s clothes and wash them so they can be returned your Aunt Pru.”

  “I’ll just have Vinnie wash them.” Jaxon said gruffly. He didn’t want any further encounters with her if he could help it.

  A slight smile emerged on Charlie’s face. “I was just going to have Benjy wash them. Then I was going to move the buttons back.”

  “Charlie, it doesn’t matter. It’s not as if Jimmy will wear them again. Aunt Pru will probably give them to Levi since he could make use of them.”

  She nodded her acquiescence.

  “Would you like to keep his sweater? I think Aunt Pru would want you to have it. What you did for him touched her deeply.”

  Charlie had never told anyone how much she envied the men who wore the thick wool sweaters. It wasn’t about warmth; her father had always seen to it that she wore heavy wool pea coats. But the colorful sweaters, knitted by someone who loved them, symbolize something Charlie would never have.

  “Perhaps, if you asked your aunt first.”

  In Charlie’s case, it wouldn’t be the same, but if Aunt Pru let her have it, she would cherish it as much as any of the men cherish theirs.

  “I’ll just get my boots and go,” Charlie said as she entered his bedroom and crossed to the wardrobe where she had left them. She opened the door and was struck by a rainbow of color. She stared at the dresses and a lump rose in her throat. Tears sprang to her eyes and flowed freely down her face. She remembered her excitement over the gowns and dresses, how they had run to the dressmaker’s shop before it closed the day they got there, and how beautiful she felt when she wore them. Gingerly, she reached out and touched the silks.

  “Do you want me to have them packed up in a trunk for you?”

  Charlie shook her head. “I can’t keep them.”

  “Of course you can. They’re already paid for and sewn. You haven’t even worn half of them yet.”

  “I-I’ve decided to put the ship in dry dock and replace the crew when the refit is finished.”

  “You’re going back to pretending you’re a man?”

  She nodded because couldn’t say the word aloud. Pretending to be a man had been a prison of sorts and she could not face going back to that life. “Maybe the dresses can be altered to fit your sisters.”

  Charlie closed her eyes and took a deep shaky breath through her mouth. It wasn’t until that moment that Jaxon realized she was crying.

  “Charlie…?”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize how hard it would be to see the gowns. I should have sent Benjy after the boots.”

  Jaxon remembered how she had cried over Imelia’s dress and her silk stockings. She had never wanted to pretend to be a boy. No one had asked her. They just started dressing her that way, she had said.

  And now she was going back to that life because it was all she knew.

  “Charlie, you don’t have to do that.”

  Charlie grabbed the boots and closed the wardrobe doors. Suddenly, she dropped to the floor to change her boots because she couldn’t bear the thought of sitting on his bed to change them. She took half a second to dry her face on her sleeve before she began pulling off her old boots.

  “It doesn’t matter,” she murmured as much to herself as to him.

  “Yes, baby, it does.”

  “Jaxon, I can’t keep them. Do you have any idea what would happen to me if I were to get caught with those?” If they don’t figure out I’m a woman, they will make certain assumptions that could get me hurt.”

  “Keep one. Lock it up in your quarters and….”

  “And what? Put it on when I’m feeling sorry for myself? What if we got an all hands call while I’m wearing it? Hell, Jaxon, I haven’t slept without my uniform on since I was a kid for fear of being called on deck in the middle of the larboard watch.”

  Charlie shoved her feet into her boots and rose to her feet. As she headed to the door, Jaxon’s hand snaked out and grabbed her arm.

  “I’ve changed my mind. Is the offered to massage my leg still open? It really hurts like the devil.”

  In truth, having her touch him was the second to last thing he wanted. Having her leave, was the last.

  Charlie hesitated, but nodded. He released her then moved to the bed. After propping the pillows, he sat down. As Jaxon moved the robe to reveal his leg, he remembered he only had a towel on under his robe.

  “Let me go put on my unmentionables. You caught me stepping out of the tub when you knocked.”

  “Don’t bother on my account. It’s not as if I haven’t seen you naked before.”

  Jaxon paused, but leaned back, pushing the towel between his legs to shield her view.

  Charlie pressed the heels of her hands into his thigh and began her massage.”

  “Jayne came to see me last night—actually she came to see you to work on wedding plans.”

  Charlie momentarily paused in her ministrations. “Was she relieved that she wouldn’t have to be my maid of honor?” Her eyes met his for a moment.

  “She’s so shy that’s what I would’ve thought, too. But she was mad and gave me quite a lecture.”

  “She did?” A sad smile lifted Charlie’s lip momentarily.

  “Aye, she thinks since it’s my second broken engagement, I’ve not only wrecked my only chance of ever marrying, but I’ve destroyed hers as well.”

  “You know I don’t know enough about land rules to grasp why she would think so.”

  “Because I’ve ruined your reputation by having you stay here with me and not marrying you. It reflects on my corrupt morals and, according to Jayne, if it’s true of one Bloodworthy, it must be true of us all.”

  As her hands found a particularly sore spot, Jaxon winced and leaned his head back, closing his eyes.

  “She called me a villain for ruining you and doesn’t think you grasp the implications of being a fallen woman.”

  Had Jaxon been looking at her, he would have seen her swallow reflexively as she fought to keep the lump out of her throat.

  “I probably don’t. But since I am not a land girl, my damaged reputation will stay here in Chimerical Cove. As I said, I do not see marriage in my future so no one will know my shame.”

  He hated hearing her refer to their lovemaking as her shame. He grabbed her by the arms, bringing his face close to hers. “I’m sorry, but I cannot let you do this, Charlie. I will not let you go back to a life you hate. I have taken your innocence and I will live up to my obligation.”

  Charlie rankled at the use of the word obligation. In a blink of an eye, she freed herself from his grasp and stood up. “I will not marry you, Jaxon.”

  “Think about it, Charlie. If you marry me you
can have your dresses. You won’t have to sack the men who were loyal to you. It will feel like firing your family.”

  “They are not my family. Their loyalty shifts with the sea.”

  I am alone.

  “And apparently yours does as well.”

  Charlie stood with her feet wide and her arms across her chest. “You will tell me what you mean by that.”

  Jaxon flung his legs over the side of the bed and rose to his feet. “Your men killed for you and came after you and you will repay them by casting them out on their asses. Tell me, do you intend to at least keep Morty?”

  “He doesn’t have the ability to keep a secret. He would forget himself and refer to me as she.”

  “You would go aboard a ship with no one to protect you? What if you are found out? Do you think being the owner is armor against rape?”

  “I will be safe as long as no one knows.”

  “Charlie, you are a fool if you think you can keep your secret forever. You were on my ship for only a few hours when we found out. You are lucky we had no ill-intent.”

  “What would you have me do?”

  “Marry me.”

  “You are the one who broke off our engagement. You said you don’t love me.”

  Jaxon’s brow lowered. He couldn’t explain that he felt the same as he did, but he didn’t know if it was love.

  “At this point, love should not even factor into it, Charlie,” Jaxon said trying to be calm and reasonable. “If your father were alive, he would insist upon it.”

  “I have my ship to think of.” Charlie grasped at any excuse. She knew the ship didn’t need her further than hiring a captain, but she could not face the reality of admitting he had no love for her and marriage with only her loving him was as wretched a prison as the living as a man.