When You Knew

by Jamie Beck

  Right now she thought about what she’d want Colt to say to her if she were in her mom’s shoes. It didn’t take long to know exactly how to respond.

  She hugged her mom, waiting for her to relax. “I know I never made anything easier for you. I’ll try to be more understanding. I love you, too.”

  Her dad hugged them both. “Now I’ve got to get in on the action.”

  Hunter stood outside the circle, awkwardly patting his dad on the shoulder.

  Gentry swiped a tear from the corner of her eyes and chuckled. “Okay, okay. People are watching. This is getting weird.”

  “Go find Smith,” her father said. “When’s he leaving?”

  “He’s got a late flight tomorrow night. He wanted to spend as much time with Colt as possible.”

  “Maybe we can join you for lunch tomorrow?” he asked.

  “Sounds nice, Dad.” She smiled, then scanned the lawn, spotting Smith, Sara, Ty, and Colt in the distance. “See you in a bit.”

  She bounded across the grass, unburdened. The world hadn’t ended. Her family hadn’t berated her. She was free, and something like happiness bubbled inside. She gave a quick thought to Ian and hoped he, too, was finding his way.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Zen

  According to Merriam-Webster: a Japanese sect of Mahayana Buddhism that aims at enlightenment by direct intuition through meditation

  According to me: my new habit

  After getting Colt to bed for the night, Gentry emerged from her room to find Smith in the kitchen, pouring them each a glass of Barolo. She lifted one off the counter. “Thank you.”

  He raised his glass. “Cheers.”

  She eyed him over the rim while she sipped. Its rich perfume helped boost the flavor explosion in her mouth. “Wow, is that licorice I taste?”

  “Such a quick study. Sip again and see if you can taste the truffle and rose.” He grinned and watched while she tested herself. “When Colt’s a little older, we should take a trip to Piedmont. If you liked Napa, you’ll love Italy.”

  Napa. She had loved it, and that trip had clearly been life changing. But the mischief in his eyes hinted that he was thinking about their tryst more than the wines. She smiled but set her glass down. “I think we should talk, Peter.”

  “Ah.” He finished his drink, then refilled his glass. “How about you spare me the ‘You’re a great guy, but’ speech and we just skip to the end, Artemis.”

  She stroked his bicep. “You make things too easy.”

  “What can I say?” He shrugged. “I’m an easygoing guy.”

  “You are. I couldn’t ask for a better dad for Colt.” She nodded toward the living room. “Let’s take this to the sofa.”

  Once seated, he said, “We’ll need to figure out some kind of custody arrangement when Colt gets a little older, but for now, let’s keep things loosey-goosey.”

  “Sounds more than fair.” She’d dreaded that idea a month ago, but now that she knew Smith, it didn’t bother her. He was a good man with a kind heart. He loved their son, and Colt would thrive from time spent with Smith and his family.

  “Truthfully, I’m not set up to handle him on my own yet. I basically keep the same work hours as your sister and Alec.” Smith sipped more wine. “It’s easy for me to come up here, although I’ll have to shift to Sunday–Monday visits because I can’t keep taking time off work. If you bring him down every couple of months, too, it’ll be enough this year.”

  “I’ll do whatever works for you. I swear. The last thing I’d ever want is to stand in the way of you two bonding.” She reached across the table and squeezed his hand. “It’ll be easy for me to be flexible after the launch.”

  “Mind telling me why you quit?”

  She didn’t want to rehash it, and frankly, she’d grown a little sick of herself and her issues. The bottom line should be enough explanation. “Remember how you said once that I didn’t strike you as the corporate type?”

  “I do.”

  “You were right. I think I’ll be a better person and mother when I do my own thing. I’ve always loved photography.”

  Smith glanced around at all the pictures. “You’re great at it. I love the way you put together collages.”

  “Thanks. Let’s hope others do, too. I’ll use my blog to create a gallery page. I need to do a little research about pricing and stuff.”

  “I’ll be your test model,” he teased, turning to show off his profile with the slight raise of his chin.

  “No joke! You and Colt would be perfect models. I’m going to hold you to it.” When he smiled at her, her chest ached with gratitude. “Smith, when we met in Napa, I never would’ve predicted we’d end up here, with our son sound asleep a few yards away. But I can’t imagine a life without him. And you’ve been so damn nice about everything. I owe you big.”

  “You owe me nothing. You could’ve chosen not to have Colt, or to give him up. Hell, you took a big risk when you set out to find me. I’m the lucky one. I’m only a little sorry we won’t be a more traditional family, like I had growing up.”

  “We’ll be okay, and so will Colt. Someday he’ll have two more parents who love him, too. But you’d better choose wisely.” She pinched his leg in jest.

  Smith turned a little quiet and set his empty glass on the ottoman tray. “I’d say the same, but I get the feeling you already know who you’d choose. What are the chances I’ll be seeing Ian around here again?”

  “Slim to none. He’s gone.” She cleared her throat. “I’m not ready to date, but when I am, I promise I’ll never pick someone who isn’t good for Colt.”

  “I trust you.”

  Gentry smiled. Those weren’t words she’d heard often in life, but it felt damn good tonight.

  “I think I’ll go shower and read a bit, if you don’t mind.” Smith stood. “I’m a little worn out from the long day with your family.”

  “They are draining,” she teased. “Go ahead. I think I’ll do a little work and get to bed early, too.”

  Smith kissed the top of her head before going upstairs.

  Gentry checked her phone. No messages. Never the name she hoped to see. She tossed it back on the ottoman and stretched her legs, staring at a photo of Colt.

  Her family had built something they could be proud of. Now she would, too.

  She went out to the deck, where crickets sang their tinny song. Looking at the cloudless sky, she chose a star. Stars were something she could still share with Ian, like they’d promised. She pretended its twinkle was his smile. Imagined his reaction to her latest news. When tears pricked behind her eyelids, she held them back.

  Time to really let go.

  Ian stood on the sidewalk outside Gentry’s condo remembering the first time he’d seen its impressive black door. His life had changed when he’d walked through it, and he hoped it would do so again, today.

  He hadn’t called. Hadn’t asked her if he was welcome. Now, standing on the sidewalk with the ridiculously oversize stuffed dog he’d bought on his way here, he drew a deep breath.

  Ian started down the walkway just as the door opened. He halted, his heart leaping, when Smith pushed Colt’s stroller out the door.

  “Oh,” Smith said, stopping short, gawking at the powder-blue plush dog that dwarfed the stroller. “Ian.”

  “I found it!” Gentry called from inside before she appeared and nearly ran into Smith. “Here’s the clean binky.”

  Then she looked up and her face drained of color. “Ian.”

  Her mouth fell open. Her gaze remained locked on him. If she noticed the dog, she didn’t say.

  “Sorry. I should’ve called. I . . .” Ian turned, his body a mishmash of tendons and muscles that forgot how to coordinate so he could walk. The dog. He should leave the dog for Colt. His mind and body wouldn’t work together, so he ended up turning in a circle.

  “Hold up,” Smith called.

  Ian’s eyes fell on Colt, who looked the same yet different from how he rememb
ered. He couldn’t tell if Colt recognized him, but he didn’t dare overstep his boundaries with Smith standing there. His heart squeezed at the realization that he’d let that child and Gentry slip through his fingers. He set Brutus—as he dubbed the gift—on the ground. “This is for Colt.”

  Gentry blinked as Ian pulled Quackers out of the deep pocket of his camo shorts.

  “I’ll take Colt for a walk while you two talk,” Smith offered, with no trace of anger or smugness.

  The binky dangled from Gentry’s fingers. “Thanks,” she said, without sparing Smith a glance, her eyes tracking Ian’s every move.

  Smith snatched the binky from her and then pushed the stroller past Ian, hanging a left toward the park.

  “You’re home.” Gentry bit her nail.

  “Yes.” Despite his reunion plans falling apart because of Smith, seeing her made him smile.

  “Do you . . . do you want to come inside?” She hitched her thumb over her shoulder.

  He should go. He’d waited too long. She’d moved on with Smith and was putting a family together for Colt. “It’s okay. I don’t want to cause trouble.”

  “Trouble?” She tilted her head, her red hair like fire, lit by the late-afternoon sun, tumbling around her shoulders.

  “With Smith.” God, he should’ve called. He should’ve called before upending his life and barging in on hers. She’d let go. He’d read it and then ignored it because he hadn’t wanted it to be true.

  Her brows pinched and then rose. “Oh no. We’re not . . . he’s not . . . he’s only here to spend time with Colt.”

  The vise around his chest loosened. “So you two . . .”

  “No.” She shook her head, lips pressed together.

  Relief exploded inside him, making him dizzy. He bent over, hands on his knees, and blew out a breath.

  Gentry rushed forward. “Are you sick?”

  Without thinking, he wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight and swaying slightly to the sweet music flooding his mind. He couldn’t speak, so he kissed her temple, her cheek, her neck, and then, finally, her mouth.

  She tasted like citrus and honey. He dug his hands through her hair, kissing her as if she were his last breath, stopping long enough to inhale, keeping his forehead pressed to hers.

  “What’s happened, Ian?” She tipped her head back, cupping his jaw in her hands. “Why are you here?”

  He smiled at her confusion. “I’m here for you.”

  “Me?” She blinked.

  “You and Colt.” His face hurt from smiling, but he couldn’t stop. This was right. Everything was right, now, and life promised to be an entirely new adventure.

  “I don’t understand.” Her expression turned more solemn. “Now, you think we can handle the distance?”

  “No more distance.”

  She dropped her hands, twining her fingers. “Did something happen with the project?”

  “Sort of.”

  “So it didn’t work? That’s why you’re back.” She eased away.

  “No, it’s working fine, but it won’t have the Crawford name.”

  “Why not?”

  “I traded it for some trucks and the chance to work from Oregon. Jeremy Fairfax will stay in Haiti to oversee the day-to-day operation. I have to go back for a few weeks to prep for the first class of trainees. I’ll also make a few short trips throughout the next two years or so. But I’ll be living here, in Oregon.”

  “Why, Ian?”

  “Because of you.”

  She shook her head, resting her palm against his cheek. “What about your dad? Your mission?”

  He fingered the hair around her face, brushing the back of his knuckles against her cheek. “You were right. Ghosts won’t make me happy like you and Colt do. It took me a few weeks to understand why I couldn’t shake my mood, but then it struck me. I missed you. My dream has changed.”

  “Is your mother disappointed?” Gentry frowned.

  “She’ll be okay when she sees me happy.”

  “I can’t believe you made that snap decision. It’s so . . . unlike you.” Without warning, she jumped him, her legs straddling his waist. He used his arms to support her while she kissed him.

  “Maybe we should get off the sidewalk,” he suggested. “And take Brutus inside, too.”

  “Brutus.” She giggled, looking down at the dog. “I’m a shopper, Ian. I know this thing cost a pretty penny. Quite a frivolous gift, you know. This dog’s price tag could feed a dozen people, maybe more. I hope you haven’t changed everything about yourself, McJ.”

  “Not everything. But I kept looking at Quackers and thinking about what he meant to you. Given the way I left, I thought I’d better go big so you couldn’t ignore me.”

  “I could never ignore you.” She released her grip and slid down his body, then lifted Brutus. “You’re not the only one making changes. I quit my job to make a go of photography.”

  “That can’t have been easy.”

  “No, but I feel so much better now that I’m being honest.”

  “Me too. Hopefully, I’ll land a steady paramedic job at a hospital.”

  “I can’t tempt you back to being Colt’s nanny?” she teased.

  “No, although I’d like to be here for Colt, and you, on a regular basis.”

  “Well, you’re in luck, then, because we’d love that, too.” She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him. “Besides, now that I’ll be working from home, I’ll manage Colt in the mornings, schedule portraits in the afternoon, and edit photos at night. Just need a part-time sitter each day.”

  “I’ve always known he was a lucky kid.” Ian kissed her again, because he could. Because he didn’t want to stop kissing her.

  “Let’s go inside.” She opened the door and set Brutus on the floor. “Smith will be back soon.”

  “I can take off until he leaves, if that’s easier.”

  “No way. I’m not letting you out of my sight, Ian Crawford.” She hugged him, resting her head on his shoulder. “When Smith gets back, we’ll talk about how to be the best kind of family any kid ever had.”

  Epilogue

  TWO MONTHS LATER

  Family

  According to Merriam-Webster: a group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head

  According to me: my new normal

  Crisp, light breezes swept over the lakeside lawn on the evening of Colby’s wedding. The sky—a lilac canvas crisscrossed with pink and orange brushstrokes—perfectly accompanied the romantic event. Only the bushels of lilies and pink peonies decorating A CertainTea’s flagstone patio were more remarkable.

  Gentry waved goodbye to the sitter who was taking Ty and Colt home to sleep. She then meandered through the elaborately set tables, each with candlelight flickering from the hurricane lanterns, to find her spot at the family table.

  Ian had already seated himself beside Sara. Leslie was flanked by Hunter and Colby, with Alec’s and Gentry’s parents filling out the rest of the table. Tonight the entire family rallied, putting on its best behavior so as not to disrupt Colby’s big day. Even Gentry’s mother had been friendly to Leslie—a first, and possibly a turning point.

  “Didn’t my sister look beautiful at the altar?” Gentry kissed Ian as she took her seat between him and her mother.

  He squeezed her hand, leaning close and whispering, “Not as beautiful as you.”

  “Good answer.” She toyed with the bow tie of his rented tuxedo. Another first, no doubt. If he was uncomfortable in the suit, he didn’t say. “I’m not sure which Ian I like best. Casual T-shirts or this Hugo Boss thing you’ve got going on.”

  “Hopefully not this, because I can’t wait to take it off.”

  She wiggled her brows. “Me neither, come to think of it.”

  In a continued effort to make peace with her mother, she turned to her right. “You look nice, too, Mom.”

  “Thank you.” Her mother touched the side of her hair, which had been swept up into a sophis
ticated French twist. “I meant to tell you Marion Leckie mentioned how much she loved the collage of her grandchildren’s portraits you made.”

  “I love working with kids. They’re easy to win over. Such spontaneous, happy little creatures.”

  “Ignorance is bliss, I suppose.” Her mother raised a brow and sipped her water. “Life makes us all cynics eventually.”

  Gentry might’ve made the same crack a few months ago, but now she knew peace and hope. A glance across the table gave her a clear shot of her sister’s exuberance. Colby and Alec whispered something to each other, and then he kissed her as if no one else existed. Moments like these made it hard to be cynical.

  Ian wrapped one arm around the back of Gentry’s chair. Having him in her life had made her ecstatic, like the children she photographed.

  Gentry replied to her mom, “Even the most cynical of us can be changed by love, though, can’t we?”

  Her mother looked at her own husband. “I suppose so.”

  The waiters roamed the reception, filling everyone’s champagne glasses. Gentry’s father then stood and tapped his glass with a fork. The guests all quieted themselves in anticipation of the father-of-the-bride speech.

  Jed Cabot cut a dashing figure in his tux. His salt-and-pepper hair, still thick and closely cropped, lent him sophistication tonight. His best accessory had always been his smile, which shone like the stars starting to dot the sky overhead.

  He beamed at Colby and Alec before speaking. “Thank you all for coming tonight. It’s my honor to host you at this amazing restaurant that these two built with their imaginations, sweat, and hearts. I can’t think of anyone more deserving of its success, or of the love that brought us here tonight.”

  He glanced at Alec’s parents, Frank and Julie Morgan, and nodded before continuing. “Thirty-plus years ago, when Hunter was still in diapers, Leslie fell in love with a little Craftsman on Forest Street and badgered me into buying it. I wasn’t sure I could pay that mortgage, but the neighborhood was perfect for kids, so we took the plunge. Who could’ve known then that that decision would’ve yielded not only a lifelong friend for my son but also a husband for my daughter?