Love You Two

by Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli

  I’m hovering over an antique table in the middle of the room on which sits a glass-covered model of a set of buildings. It’s a sprawling conglomerate of gloomy red-brick prison or hospital-style buildings that don’t look too innovative. I assume it’s one of Wei Lee’s architecture models and I’m so not impressed.

  Further up the corridor is the guest bedroom, my sanctuary for the next week and a half. Zi Don places my totally out-of-place backpack and sports bag inside, near the antique dresser, wardrobe and full-length mirror. This room also smells of lavender, and the double brass bed with a quilt of purple and pink love-hearts beckons me to collapse on it.

  ‘You’ll soon be in that bed, but let us show you the rest of our abode,’ Zi Don says as if he’s reading my mind.

  Across from the guest bedroom is the bathroom. It’s all wood and creamy floral porcelain, leadlight windows and a welcoming spa. The walls of the toilet and bathroom are painted fields of colourful flowers, green leaves and stems against a bright sky-blue background. On the ceiling, against a lighter blue, are painted puffy white clouds. ‘Wow!’ I exclaim.

  ‘Yes, we painted a psychedelic rainbow floral thing here,’ Wei Lee says with a kind of bemused shrug.

  The corridor opens up into a large kitchen. An oak dining setting stands near a wall upon which is painted a rainbow and there’s an open fireplace with old-fashioned tiled mantelpiece. Sliding doors lead out to a paved patio, with white lacework chairs and table, before a garden of more lavender and white roses.

  Wei Lee comes towards me with a tall glass of orange juice. ‘Would you like breakfast now, Pina?’

  ‘No thanks. I’d really like to just freshen up and maybe sleep. Is that okay? I mean, I sort of slept on the bus, but I feel so out of it.’

  Zi Don takes my elbow and walks me back down the corridor towards the guest bedroom. ‘Take your time, mia bella. Have a spa. Get some sleep. I’m taking a day off today so let me know when you want breakfast or lunch. Or if you sleep through to dinner, no worries.’

  ‘I’m going to work today,’ Wei Lee says. ‘Give you time to hang out with your uncle, but tomorrow you and I can have a girls’ day out.’ I like the idea – I like her – but something feels strange.

  ‘Me too!’ Zi Don exclaims, making Wei Lee laugh that affectionate laugh and give him that special look. Am I jealous that she means so much to my uncle? No, that’s not it. But I’m feeling something about all this that gnaws a little.

  They both kiss me before I enter my room and close the door. I lie on the bed and feel both drained and relieved, floating into the soothing sky and warming walls of the room. I’m away from chaos and messiness. I have time to think. No traumas. No unknowns lurking to spring at me. Here, life is organised, serene and neat, like this house and the garden, I tell myself. Here two people love each other and set up house. And I’m finding it strange.

  I want to sleep but the thought of a spa with its jets pummelling any strain out of my body has me up again and heading for the bathroom. It’s so good to peel my travelling clothes off my body, to lie in warm bubbly water massaging and cleaning me. I almost fall asleep in the spa and so, worried that I’ll drown, I go back to my room to burrow under the cool lavender-scented sheets and doona. I can make out soothing flute music from some CD player in the kitchen-lounge, and tinkling wind chimes from the patio. They meet and twine against a background of the faint sounds of surf and seagulls a street or so away.

  10

  Of closets and clotheslines, Narnia and nowhere

  NEXT THING I KNOW, I’m waking up to all that again, but with smells of basil, pizza and espresso coffee wafting in as well. The sun is designing flowers over the bed and walls through the lace curtains. The antique clock says it’s three in the afternoon. I get up, dress in t-shirt and jeans, and walk to the kitchen. I feel a little unsteady and a lot hungry.

  There’s Zi Don sitting in the mellow sunshine. He’s tapping away at a laptop balanced easily on his large hairy thighs, his feet up on another chair. He looks up as I slide open the door and smiles so warmly at me. ‘Hey Principessa, glad you slept so well. Now there’s coffee for you and I made some pesto pizzette. Are you hungry?’ I nod and he gets up.

  He bustles about setting up the meal on the patio table. I sit in the shade and sip at freshly squeezed orange juice, watching the wind chimes sway musically in the breeze. Then he puts some more gentle flute music on the CD player before joining me outside.

  We sit in silence for a while, eating delicious pesto pizzette, sipping juice and coffee. He sways slightly with the music, throwing a few crumbs to sparrows on the lawn while I follow the sun’s glints on the wind chimes and the bees’ journeys between lavender flowers.

  Finally, Zi Don takes my hand in both his paws and gazes at me. ‘Pina, I’m not going to ask any questions. In a few days you may have a lot of questions you’ll want to ask me. I figure you’ve been through some stuff and learned some other stuff and you’re trying to work it all out. Trust me, the answers will come gradually. Maybe not as you thought answers should be, or what you think you want to hear, but they’ll come. Talk it out, bella. To me, to Wei Lee, to yourself, to the sea, to the sky, to those bees and that wind chime, to the pizzette.’ I can’t help but laugh as his arm sweeps all over the place. ‘You’ll get a good conversation any which way.’

  I feel my voice finding its way. ‘I just want to know what’s real. I feel like everything’s changed forever. That nothing is what it’s supposed to be, or pretended to be.’

  Zi Don looks out to the garden with a resigned smile and a nod of understanding. ‘Sometimes it’s hard to learn that there’s lots that’s real, carissima.’ He shrugs. ‘There are lots of truths. It’s not the real and the truthful that are hard, it’s the not being ready for them because the world doesn’t prepare you for them. We write simple laws and enforce rigid rules to try to make sense of it all. But all we end up doing is delaying and confusing what was meant to be known in the first place.’

  ‘You make your living from laws and rules. That doesn’t sound like a lawyer speaking,’ I stir.

  Zi Don grins. ‘No, it’s not the lawyer speaking here. It’s Donato, the human being speaking, who happens to be working in a trade that has a history of sometimes being the worst culprit for punishing what’s innocent and justifying what’s damaging.’ He looks at me with those big black eyes all serious and slightly angry. ‘Being a lawyer has taught me that the rules don’t always apply, that the rules don’t always stay the same. Life’s about figuring out justice and love by putting the law to good use, but also knowing when it’s limited.’

  He reaches out and strokes my cheek, and a smile drifts back, wrinkling the rigid anger away. ‘You’re really growing up, Pina. Which means all these truths and realities, some welcome, some unwanted, are coming out of the closet and hanging on the clothesline. You may not want to see them out there but they’re gonna be there anyway.’ He smiles wistfully. ‘I wish I’d spent more time with you while you were growing up. But I was going through my own growing up and had to leave. I always hoped one day you’d visit me here, get to know me here, at Narnia.’ His hands are clasped between his hairy knees. He’s bent over, meeting my gaze with his own liquidly warm, wisely wrinkled one.

  ‘Narnia … Why do you call this place Narnia?’

  ‘Have you forgotten? I’ll show you something.’ He goes inside and returns with a book. ‘Remember when you gave me this?’

  It’s a copy of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis. ‘Yeah,’ I smile shyly. ‘I gave it to you ’cos you used to read it to me all the time before you left Adelaide.’

  I look inside the front cover to my childish scrawl: ‘Dear Zio Donato, this is yor bestest book. I know that becos you red it to me all the time and I like that. I will miss you in Melbin but I will com and see you one day and you can show me yor Narnia.’

  Zi Don has a muscly arm around my shoulder. ‘Maybe I don’t need to read it to you any mo
re, but I can remind you of what you loved about it. So that whatever’s happened in Adelaide and whatever you discover here with us, you have this book and your mother’s book to help you unlock what you need to find out. You’ll feel better by Christmas Day when we all sit at Nonna’s table again, I’m sure of it.’

  I feel tears burning my eyes at his words and his gentle caress, reminding me of my parents, but also reminding me of Scott’s roughness. I shudder and the anger and hurt well up. ‘I’m dreading that right now, that whole family on display stuff. Big family fakeness everywhere.’

  He leans in and rests his head against mine. ‘Every time I go back, Pina, I desire the best of it and dread the worst of it. I left many years ago, so confused by how I hated it and yet was homesick without it. I kept going back to keep some connection with my sisters and their families. This time I’m going back with my life partner, Wei Lee. And you’ve arrived to make it easier for us. What does your mum call this kind of thing – strega magic?’

  ‘Yeah,’ I smirk, but I can’t think of my mother too much yet. ‘Nonna’s been telling us about Wei Lee: Vietnamese, non-Catholic, you’re living in sin. But she seems to be very relieved you may be “settling down” as she calls it. She says that you’re finally sorting out your morals. God, if she knew about my mother. And me.’ I smirk again into the birds on the grass and the bees in the lavender. Then I look down at the book in my hands.

  ‘Wasn’t this supposed to be a Christian story about sin and goodness? About Jesus conquering evil? What would C.S. Lewis make of my family?’

  Zi Don grins at me. ‘Yes, C.S. Lewis was a devout Christian who believed in good triumphing over evil. And he was also a nineteen-year-old who people say fell in love with his friend’s mother, who was about twenty-five years older than him, and with whom he lived for thirty years till she died in her seventies. He had to keep that part of his life quite closeted or else he wouldn’t have been allowed into Oxford University. It would’ve been such a scandal, so sinful!’ His voice gets dry. ‘Funny how a lot of his life gets edited out by those who have a very narrow definition of what Christianity and love can mean. Knowing about his whole life gives you a very different view of his book and what else it might’ve meant to him. He knew about wardrobes and closed minds. He knew how to create a Narnia in his home, a truthful haven of harmless, beautiful creatures that do exist despite what people outside thought.’ Zi Don raises his hands to gesture around him. ‘I’ve created my Narnia here.’ His hands stay momentarily floating in midair as if he wants to say so much more.

  ‘Why did you move away Zi Don?’ I ask quietly.

  The tanned face bows to look at his clasped hands. Then he raises his head again and sighs. ‘I got in trouble with the law. I was arrested for something that shamed my parents. You know, che figura, and all that. But I might leave that story till another time.’ He shakes his body as if to shake off whatever it is that has suddenly clawed into him. ‘Most people think the world is “either/or” – but some of us are “both/and”, Pina.’

  I feel the ache well up in my heart. ‘That sounds like my mother.’

  ‘Has she said that to you?’

  ‘My mother’s lied to me for years. She wrote that in her book.’

  ‘Her book. That’s your mum’s haven, Pina.’ He pauses and then looks at me intently. ‘Pina, are you all right?’

  Thinking about that book, and my mum’s secrets, I’ve disappeared into the quicksand of a sludgy heart. My head seriously needs some defragging like you do on an overloaded computer. ‘I keep thinking. I don’t want to think.’ I feel the tears spill out, burning my cheeks. I grip Zi Don’s hand. His furry arms fold around my shoulders. I nuzzle into his warm neck as I try to explain. ‘I had sex for all the wrong reasons. And my mother was one of the biggest reasons. I hate her. Thinking of her with another man, it makes me sick. I want to go somewhere where it doesn’t hurt so much.’ My voice chokes as every fibre of me fragments further and further.

  Zi Don gently lifts strands of wet hair stuck to my face. ‘Welcome to Narnia. You see, you have to think, to agonise over what you will do with what’s come out of the closet, and how you’re going to survive having it stretched out on the clothesline. So you grow, Pina, sometimes painfully, sometimes blissfully, but you grow. I did.’

  I’m crying fully now, sobbing loudly into his chest. His heart is strong against my cheek, and I know that he’s weeping too.

  By the time Wei Lee comes home, I’m asleep in his arms, on the patio. I wake every now and again to sounds of Wei Lee cooking and when she folds a blanket over both of us.

  Later, I’m led to my bedroom. I’m lowered onto the bed, covered with the sheet and the doona, and gentle kisses. I fall asleep soundly in a bed that doesn’t hold any memories for me.

  I wake again sometime later to my uncle’s voice on the phone in the hallway. ‘She’ll be fine, Gianna. I think she’s had a bad experience with a boy so it’s a double whammy … Oh, I see … Yeah, we’ll bring her home for Christmas. And what about you? Hey, don’t cry little sister, wish I could hug you … It’ll take time, Gianna … When she’s back. Not now … Yeah, yeah, she’ll be here when we do our Christmas things so I guess there’s no avoiding it. But it might help her work through … No … No, I haven’t said much yet … I can’t cancel Christmas here – well, I could. But I won’t.’

  I want to piece together whatever he’s talking about, but he’s right, I can’t do it while my brain’s defragmentation isn’t complete and my heart gets stabbed at any memory of what’s happened in the last two days. I’m soon asleep again, grateful to have him there for me.

  11

  From bandaids to ECPs

  I AWAKE EARLY WITH INKY BLUE and rosy pink dawn light lacing the room through the curtain. The house is still. I feel like I’m floating, but at least it’s a buoyant feeling, not like I’m drowning. I also feel like I’m ready to know more. Like I’m really in Narnia, as Zi Don puts it. I notice The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe on the bedside table next to me. I begin to skim through, notice that someone, probably Zi Don, has highlighted and underlined various bits. I make my way through them, reading someone’s reading of a book, someone’s journey through this journey.

  Where Peter talks about exploring his uncle’s house, I can’t help but smile grimly at the way I explored my own home only a couple of days before. I think about Zi Don and Wei Lee’s house. It’s so light and airy, fresh and open, but I remember Zi Don’s words to my mother on the phone last night.

  He’s underlined various warnings the characters give each other about never shutting yourself inside a wardrobe. I think about what Zi Don said yesterday. I’ve only ever heard people talk about closets like that about gay people. I think about Laura and her mother. I’ll call them later. With thoughts of Narnia, I go back to sleep.

  When I awake again, it’s mid-morning and sunlight’s streaming in. I nervously reach over for the bedside phone. I hear that familiar friendly voice answer, so I say what I’ve always said, ‘Hi Serena, it’s me.’

  ‘Hi Pina, how are you?’ She sounds calm but relieved, an older version of Laura. ‘It’s so good to hear from you. Laura’s been a bit frantic thinking you’d never call her again.’ I can hear the smile in her voice. ‘But I said to her you’re too cluey to do that. I’m still plain old Laura’s mum.’

  ‘No, Serena, you’re not just Laura’s mum. You’re a great person.’ Why can I say things like this over the phone, through a closed door, or in a note, but not face to face with people?

  ‘Thank you, Pina. You girls have certainly grown up. Life’s a bit more complicated now than trying to get across the monkey bars. I remember you and Laura going wild in the playground, all those bruises and blisters your mum and I had to insist you put bandaids on.’ She laughs.

  ‘Well, I wish bandaids still made everything better.’ I laugh too, and it feels good.

  ‘Don’t we all sometimes. I’ll get Laura for you. She tells me something
’s not too good for you at the moment. Don’t forget we’re here for you, darl. You hardly come over any more.’

  ‘Well, Laura usually wants me to make an appointment. Now I know why.’

  Serena sighs, ‘Well, tell her to quit with the appointment book ’cos you won’t let her hide me from you any more.’

  Laura comes on, sounding nervously elated in a way I’ve never heard before. ‘Pina! I was so worried. You didn’t phone yesterday.’

  ‘I’m in Melbourne.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I took a bus to Melbourne. I’m going to hang out with my uncle and his girlfriend and then we’ll all be back for Christmas. I’ll catch up with you then.’

  ‘Okay,’ she pauses, and then, ‘I miss you.’

  ‘Like missing a jigsaw piece?’

  ‘Like missing a whole puzzle!’

  ‘It’ll give you uninterrupted quality time with Tim. How is he?’

  ‘He’s good. I decided to confide in him a little. About my mum. And what happened to you. I hope you don’t mind. I needed someone to talk to.’

  I hesitate, but Tim must be pretty special for Laura to like him. ‘Sure. Maybe I should meet him when I get back. Check him out for realness.’

  ‘You know he’s real. I just never felt like you wanted him to be real.’

  ‘Well, he was this feral boy taking up your time away from me. And from this other world, you know, uni. But I think I know how to share you now.’

  ‘Pina, he wouldn’t get in the way of our friendship. Friendships surf the waves. And he’s so cool about everything.’

  ‘Is he cool about your mum?’