“Promise me that you’ll take care of him,” she begged me. “He has always been such a good person. It wasn’t his fault and he doesn’t deserve to be in pain.”
I swallowed hard, so full of emotion. “I promise.”
She pulled away from me, wiped her eyes, and took a few deep breaths. “I hate crying.”
I gave her a weak smile. “I do, too.”
“Promise you won’t mention this to him. He’d probably kill me if he found out I told you.”
“Why?” I asked her, confused.
“I told you. He doesn’t talk about it. He won’t even let us have pictures of her up in the house. It’s too hard for him.”
“That’s sad that you can’t even have pictures of her around,” I said, somewhat annoyed.
Mary looked back out at the dark water. “Nah, it’s okay. She’s still here.”
As I watched her, she had the same distant look in her eyes that she had when we first came out here. The same look that Jeremy always got while by the water. It suddenly hit me. He’s looking for her, seeing her, feeling her. It all makes sense now. Mary dried her eyes again as we walked back up the beach to the Shack.
As soon as we sat down in the booth, Jeremy and Brandon finished their game and came over.
“There’s a bonfire party going on at the beach tonight if you want to go?” Jeremy asked me, sliding in the booth beside me.
“Yeah, you have to go,” Brandon told me, sitting beside Mary and across from Jeremy. “It’s going to be a killer end-of-summer party this year, much better than last year for sure.”
“Ya’ll have an end-of-summer party every year?” I asked.
“Not just us,” Jeremy said simply. “Locals throw it to commemorate the end of summer when the beach is given back to the locals.”
I looked from Brandon back to Jeremy. “I’d love to,” I said, smiling, and kissed him on the cheek.
Jeremy looked down at his watch. “Speaking of which, I think it’s about that time.”
“How about me?” Mary asked with wide brown eyes.
“What about you?” Jeremy responded.
“I want to go, too.”
Brandon wrapped his arm around her shoulder. “I think that can be arranged,” he told her, squeezing her tight.
“Hold up,” Jeremy said, holding both his hands up to stop them. “Mar, you’re only twelve. Mom and Dad are going to be pissed if I let you go.”
“First off, you were going to the end of summer parties when you were twelve,” she told him, then smiled. “Secondly, they won’t be so mad as long as I’m with you. Besides, I’m almost thirteen, thank you very much.”
“Yeah, man, chill out!” Brandon said, loosening his grip around her shoulder.
Jeremy looked between Mary and Brandon before he settled on me. I gave him a weak smile and shrugged my shoulders.
“Fine, but you have to stay close to me,” Jeremy said, looking her in the eyes.
“Deal!” she yelled excitedly.
“I’m serious, Mar.”
“Yeah, I know,” she said, waving him off. She stood up and jumped over the back of the seat and out of the booth.
We left the Shack and walked down the beach. Jeremy stared out at the water as usual as we walked, but this time instead of questioning him about it I just stared out at the water as well. Within minutes we began to feel the slight warmth from the scorching flames of the bonfire even though we were still a few yards away. As we got closer, I looked around at all the local kids and a few adults gathered in various areas on the beach. Mary absentmindedly walked away from us, smiling widely as soon as we got within the inner folds of the party.
“Hey, Mar, where are you going?” Jeremy called after her.
“I’m going to talk to my friends,” she said, walking backwards, her sad eyes being replaced by something else, defiance. “I’m not Tonya, so stop worrying so much.”
Jeremy froze, shocked by what she had just said. “Damn it,” he cursed and turned to us helplessly.
“I got her, man. It’s my fault she’s here anyway,” Brandon said, stepping forward. “Ya’ll have fun. I’ll catch up with you later.” He slapped Jeremy on the back and walked away towards Mary and her friends.
Jeremy ran a hand through his hair as he stared after them.
“She’ll be all right, you know,” I told him, feeling shocked and angry with her for bringing up Tonya’s name like that after what she had just told me.
“Yeah, I know.”
“Come on. Let’s go get a drink,” I told him, grabbing his hand and guiding him to the barrel keg buried in the sand close to a sand dune.
I grabbed a plastic cup out of the bag and held it up to the guy who was working the pump on the keg.
“You’re going to drink beer?” Jeremy asked, stunned, staring at me.
The guy handed me the now full cup. I put it to my lips and breathed in the crisp smell of fresh beer. I had never drunk alcohol before. However smelling it, it didn’t seem so bad.
“I guess so,” I told him before taking a big gulp of the frothy beer and proceeding to cough from the sudden burst of strange flavors to my taste buds.
Jeremy looked at me, trying hard to hold back laughter. “Is it good?” he asked me mockingly.
I looked into the cup and took a smaller sip this time, and when I moved the cup from my mouth, I licked my lips and made noises like it was the best thing ever. He gave me a smirk and grabbed a plastic cup for himself, then held it out to the guy while keeping his eyes on me.
With our beers in hand, we walked around talking to a few people. I knew a couple of them, but not nearly enough. Jeremy, on the other hand, seemed to know everyone, not surprising though, since he’s from this area where everyone seems to know everyone. Feeling the need to keep moving, I kept putting the cup to my lips until my cup was empty.
I shifted my feet and looked around, feeling antsy. “I’m going to refill my cup,” I told him.
“Are you sure?” he asked me, a little concerned.
“Oh, yeah. I guess I’m thirsty,” I told him.
“Do you want me to come with you?”
“No, I’ll catch back up with you in a minute.” I let go of his hand and trudged through the sand back to the keg.
Once my cup was full of the icy cold beer again, I turned around to look for Jeremy. He wasn’t where I had left him, instead he was standing close to the water’s edge, staring out into the dark ocean.
I kicked off my flip-flops and made my way back to him. As soon as I reached him, I linked my arm in his and stared up at him sadly. I had no doubt that I loved this boy, although I’ve never told him, and I was quite certain that no matter how much I stared at him, it would never feel like enough. I could crawl inside of him and live there forever if I could, but still, it might not be close enough.
Feeling restless, I asked him, “You want to walk?”
I clung to his arm, feeling a little off balance and giddy, as we walked together silently. We walked far away from the party. Holding my hand, he guided me away from the water, across the beach, over to a sand dune. The sand seemed to get heavier and heavier as we went.
“Oh, crap,” I yelped as I tripped on some beach grass sticking out of the sand dune and fell to my knees in the sand. “The beer is all right,” I said, laughing, and held my cup up in the air for proof. I dug a hole in the sand beside me and put my cup in it, then laid down on my back and stared up at the thousands of tiny stars twinkling in the dark sky. “It’s so beautiful here, isn’t it?”
Jeremy laughed and pried his eyes off me to look up at the sky as well. “Yeah, it sure is.”
I turned my head and looked up at him, loving the way he looked in the moonlight. Sensing my stare, he looked away from the sky to look back down at me. I gave him an unfocused smile and held my hand up to him.
“What?” he asked, still smiling.
“Come here,” I said to him in a pouty voice.
He sat down bes
ide me and I sat up to be closer to him. As soon as he was settled, I turned to him and pressed my lips hard against his. I ran my hands through his short wavy hair and made a trail with my hands down his chest. My hands settled on the button on his pants and I tried desperately to unbutton it, although I’m not sure why. Had I been sober, I would have been too scared to do something so bold. And even more, what was I going to do after I succeeded with unfastening his pants? But to my dismay he grabbed my hand and stopped me.
“What’s wrong?” I asked him breathlessly.
“We can’t do this.”
“Why not?” I asked, surprising even myself. I began kissing him and trying for his button again, but once again he stopped me. I pulled away from him and looked in his eyes, feeling hurt. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, I just don’t think we should.”
I jumped up to my feet, which wasn’t the greatest idea, but I managed to fight through the drunkenness and stared down at him.
“I don’t know what has been going on with you lately!” I yelled, but he didn’t look up at me. “Do you not want me anymore?” I asked in barely a whisper, feeling like I was on the brink of tears.
With that he jumped up as well, his dark eyes staring through me. “How can you even ask me that?”
I stared at him, surprised by the sudden outburst and change in emotions. It hit me with such a force that it caused me to take an unsteady step backwards. My lips began to quiver as I stared at him. “Because I feel like I have been holding on for dear life lately because I feel like it seems all you have been doing is pulling further and further away from me. What did I do wrong?”
“You didn’t do anything!”
“Then what’s wrong?” I asked him even louder, my sadness being replaced by anger.
“It’s because I love you, damn it!” he yelled.
“Well, I love you, too!” I yelled back.
“Well, that’s the first time we’ve actually said that!” he said, still yelling.
I looked at him silently for a minute before responding, “So what’s the problem then?” I asked him more softly.
His expression softened, too, and he looked at me sadly. He put his hands on my shoulders and he stared in my eyes. “You didn’t do anything.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “You’re leaving in a couple of days. I knew you were going to. Of course I did. But I didn’t expect to feel like this.”
“Like what?” I whispered.
He let go of my shoulders and sat back down on the sand. “Like my heart is breaking. I’m scared I’ll never see you again and it’s killing me.”
“But Jeremy, my parents bought the house. We will be back,” I said, staring down at him, trying to reassure him.
“I know. It just hurts. I’ve lost someone very close to me in my past and it nearly killed me, so this feeling isn’t something new to me, but that was different. I love you, Nicky, and I tend to hold the people I love very closely. I have to. The only people that matter more to me than anything is you, Brandon and Mary. If I ever lost any of ya’ll, I don’t know what I’d do.”
Oh, my God! He’s talking about his sister, I thought in disbelief.
I sat down beside him and grabbed his hand. “I promise, you’re not going to lose me Jeremy, not ever.” I lifted my hand and looked down at my small ring, the ring he gave me as a promise for a future together. Slowly, I took off the ring and put it in the palm of his hand and closed it tight. He looked up from his clasped hand and stared at me in shock.
“It’s not what you think,” I told him. “I want you to hold onto this for me and when I come back to you—and I will—I want you to give it back to me. I love you, Jeremy Hayes, and I have a feeling that I always will.” I wrapped my arms around him and pressed my lips hard against his as tears began to run down my cheeks.
He wiped the tears away and hugged me tight.
“Will you dance with me?” I asked him, standing back up, feeling more sober than I had earlier.
He nodded and stood up in front of me. We held each other tightly and began to sway to the music of the night.
“Why do you like me so much?” I whispered in his shoulder, feeling extremely vulnerable.
I could feel him chuckle as he breathed in deeply. “Because my heart tells me that I do and something tells me I better listen to it. I can see my future with you.”
“Oh, is that all?” I said jokingly.
“No, it’s because you’re funny and you don’t even try to be. You’re sweet and unselfish, without expectations. You’re always smiling, which I interpret means you’re a happy person.” He leans in and presses his face to mine, cheek to cheek. I felt his breath in my ear and when he began to run a hand down my spine, it caused chills to run through me. “And you’re beautiful and don’t even know it.” He paused and began to sway even more, then began to quietly sing in my ear a country song that I’ve heard many times before, although after tonight it’ll have all new meaning. I hid my face in his shoulder, smiling widely and blushing as he continued to sing to me. He becomes quiet, slows his dancing, then presses himself closer against me and clings to me.
So many emotions exploded in me all at once, I’m not sure if they were my own or his or a combination of both. All I could do was close my eyes and feel him as he swayed and trembled in my arms. I knew things would be hard for both of us once I left. I was going to miss him so much, but I also knew how I felt about him. Living in this moment with him, wrapped tightly in his arms and dancing under the moonlight would be enough to get me through. It would have to be.
***
Two days later, my family packed up our SUV and headed back to our home in Raleigh. I had made Jeremy promise not to come see me off because I knew seeing him would have made it so much harder to leave. But as our SUV pulled away from our faded beach cottage, his face was the only thing I wanted to see. I stared out of my window and hoped that I would catch a glimpse of him hovering somewhere, as he hoped to do the same thing, but I never saw him. It wasn’t until we passed the Shack and its out-stretched pier that I started to cry with the deepest ache in my heart.
I love you, Jeremy Hayes. I will never forget you. This I promise you, I thought to myself and hoped that somehow he would hear it.
Seven
Jeremy paced back and forth in his bedroom, feeling torn. Does he run to Nicky and beg her not to leave, even though he knows she has to go? Or does he do as he promised and stay away today? Of course, she had to. She’s only thirteen and there was no way her parents were going to let her stay here without them. But his heart was screaming at him, telling him not to let her go. He knew this day was going to be hard, but he didn’t realize just how hard. His heart was pounding so fiercely with an intense ache and every nerve in his body was pulsating from her absence. She swore to him that she would come back to him, but he couldn’t help but feel like this was the end. It was an unbearable feeling, one he’s never felt before. Losing Tonya was the most difficult thing he had ever gone through. Her death had cast a shadow on his life for two whole years. He never thought he would ever get over the guilt¸ and in part he knew he never would. But meeting Nicky had completely changed his life. His heart was healed and his spirit was renewed. He owed her so much for their short summer together and he never even told her. Now she’s about to leave. She would be gone and it felt like his heart was going to explode and everything he had gained and accomplished this summer was going with her.
Jeremy stopped pacing and stared out his bedroom window at the bright sun bouncing off the sparkling ocean. There were already dozens of people lying out on the beach enjoying this beautiful day, which was pretty common during the warm months. None of them knew of the torment he was going through. He looked past the people and fixed his stare on the effervescent water, becoming mesmerized by the rippling waves. As if Tonya were working through him, he instantly relaxed, feeling a wave of calm wash over him, causing him to smile. He ran out of his bedroom, through the ha
llway, and out the back door in the kitchen. He ran barefoot through the scorching hot sand as hard as he could. The sand felt so thick, like quicksand, making him work even harder to push through. As soon as he reached the pier, he slowed his pace. He spun around, hearing a faint hint of her sweet laughter in the hot sea breeze. They had spent so much time this summer at this very spot and he wondered if her spirit would always be here. He looked towards the pilings and smiled. This was where he had professed his love for her for the first time, only a few weeks ago, even if those exact words never came out. He gave her a ring and that one moment when she said yes changed everything. He knew he loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Even at fourteen years old, he had no doubt about that. Had she said no, he didn’t know exactly how he would have taken it. He shook his head from side to side to clear that dreadful thought because she said yes, and even though he promised her he wouldn’t, he had to see her one more time before she left.
He gave his special spot one more smile and took off running again, digging his feet through the thick sand. When he was only a few yards away from her beach cottage, he caught a glimpse of a familiar SUV passing between houses. He stopped running and stared after it.
“Shit!” he yelled and ran back the way he had come, hoping to cut them off at the light.
He pushed through the burning in his legs and the pain in his lungs until he reached the pier again. He stopped at the steps leading onto the pier and bent over, desperately panting for air, sweat dripping all over him. Once he caught his breath, he ran up the steps and onto the pier, passing the Shack and stopped on the sidewalk beside the road. He grabbed his sweaty hair with both hands as panic rose in his chest as he looked up and down the busy road, but he didn’t see her SUV anywhere. He quickly walked further up the sidewalk towards the intersection, but still nothing.
“No, damn it!” he yelled.
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