He stood on the sidewalk staring up and down the road for a few minutes longer before giving up. Slowly he walked back to his house defeated, feeling as if his world had shattered because no matter what she said, he still felt like he would never see her again and he never even had a chance to say good-bye.
“Hey, where’d you go? I made breakfast,” his mother said as he walked into the kitchen on his way to his bedroom.
Jeremy didn’t stop or look at her or even respond. He only passed by with his head down, as if she weren’t even there.
“Jeremy?” she asked him.
His mother stared at him until he disappeared into his bedroom and shut the door behind him. She looked down at the counter in front of her and swallowed hard. She clasped her hands as they began to shake. She was so happy when Jeremy acted like his old self this summer. She had waited two years to see a true smile on his face. She knew it had a lot, if not everything, to do with him meeting Nicole. But she knew this day would come. Nicole didn’t live here and would have to go back home once the summer was over, back to her real life. Mrs. Hayes had feared for her son’s stability when that day came. He never told her the exact day that she was leaving. She only knew it was going to be around the first of August, but she dreaded it regardless. She took a deep breath and walked through the hallway and stood in front of his closed door.
“Jeremy?” she asked and knocked lightly.
Silence.
“Jeremy, I need you to talk to me.” Desperation began to flare through her with the deafening silence. “Jeremy, please! Are you okay?”
Jeremy didn’t answer. Instead he lay in his bed completely still with his covers pulled up to his chin and stared out the window at the calm ocean outside
***
I laid my head back on the headrest and quietly stared out my window during the whole three-hour drive to my house in Raleigh, but oddly I didn’t remember even seeing the scenery as we drove along. Not the vast farmland spread out along the rural areas or the busy towns in between that I saw when we drove this route in June going in the opposite direction. My mind was on Jeremy. It had only been twelve or so hours since I’d last seen him, but my heart ached for him like it had been much longer. My parents and Robert tried to interact with me, but I just ignored them. The only person who seemed to understand was Dawn. She sat quietly beside me for the whole ride, never once asking me what my problem was or why I was so quiet because, apparently unlike the others, she already knew.
As soon as we got home, I ran inside the house, up the staircase, and into my bedroom. I threw myself on my bed and within the safety of my room, I cried. It’s not something I did often and definitely not in front of other people, but here I could let the tears flow. I felt so many different, conflicting emotions all at once and I had to get them out before my heart burst out of my chest. I stood up and walked over to my desk and retrieved a notebook and pen. I walked back over to my bed and lay down on my stomach and began to write.
Dear Jeremy,
I know I only just left today and we have ten long grueling months until we can be together again, but I already feel broken. I’m so sad and I miss you and I know that it is only going to get worse. I’ve cried more in this moment than I think I have in my whole life. It’s going to be strange not seeing you first thing in the morning out on our sandy beach or kiss your lips under the moonlight. Did I ever tell you about the first time I ever saw you? It wasn’t on the beach like you thought, but rather in the Shack. I went to the Shack to cool off and when I looked around there you were. Your eyes are what locked me in at first. You have such deep expressive eyes. If what they say is true, that the eyes are the windows to the soul, then Jeremy, you have a beautiful soul. But I already know that without looking at you. I watched you, captivated as you interacted with Brandon. Then you did something that made my heart skip a beat. You smiled. If your eyes didn’t do me in, then your smile most definitely would have. I can’t wait to kiss those lips again. I loved seeing you happy, and you were. I know these past few weeks have been difficult. I know because I could see it in your eyes as well as your smile. But I promise you right here, right now, that I will come back to you and you will put that ring back on my finger and you will smile again. I love you, Jeremy, and no time or distance will ever change that.
My love for you is forever. This I promise you.
XOXO
Nicky
After rereading what I wrote, I walked back over to my desk and pulled out a stationary kit that my grandma bought me for my last birthday. I knew the paper was all gone but I sifted through what was left in the box until I found an envelope and stamp. I kissed the letter and gently folded it up and put it in the envelope.
I walked out of my bedroom, went back downstairs, then outside to put the letter in the mail in hopes that Jeremy would get it soon.
Before I had a chance to go back inside, I heard someone call my name. I turned around to see my best friend, Candy, walking up. I missed her so much at the start of the summer and normally I would throw myself in her arms, but today I felt different. Not about her, but about myself. Like Dawn, Candy has always been shapely, seems like even more so since school let out last June. I watched her as she approached, trying to see if she had changed over the summer as well. Her thick dark hair blew in the warm breeze, while her blue eyes were steady as she smiled at me. She had on a pink silk shirt that I knew to be somewhat expensive because we bought matching shirts earlier in the summer from the mall. I hadn’t worn my shirt yet and I envied the way she looked in hers, knowing mine wouldn’t hug me like that. She paired it with crisp white shorts and white Keds. It’s a look I haven’t seen all summer. Wear a shirt like that to the beach and it would be drenched and stuck to you from sweat.
“Oh, my gawd! I can’t believe you’ve been gone all freaking summer!” she said, throwing her arms around me. I hugged her back weakly.
She and I had been best friends since fifth grade. There weren’t very many memories I had that didn’t include her, but as the years have gone by, I noticed we’d begun to change more and more. This summer was a prime example. Sure I missed her so much this summer, but I wonder if it was the norm I missed rather than her because those feelings faded fast after meeting Jeremy.
Candy pulled away from me, smiling. “I’m glad you’re back. Girl, you missed so much. You want to hang out so I can fill you in?”
“You know what, Candy? I’m really tired. Can we catch up later?”
“Oh, well, yeah, I guess that’ll be all right,” she said, sounding somewhat disappointed.
“I promise I’ll call you later,” I said, feeling bad, but I was in a funk about leaving Jeremy and I wanted to be alone with my misery.
“Yeah, okay. Later,” she said, turning around and walking back down the road to her house. As soon as she was out of sight, I turned around and sighed, then walked back into my own house, climbed the staircase, and laid in my bed where I stayed for the rest of the day.
***
The following evening, when my mom got home from work, she called me into the kitchen.
“Yes, Mom?” I asked.
“Have you spent all day in your room?” she asked, looking me up and down.
I shrugged my shoulders and looked away sadly.
“Nicole, you can’t do that. I won’t stand for you moping around and locking yourself in your room.” She looked at me, waiting for a reaction. “Do you hear me?”
I nodded.
“Good. You have mail,” she said, nodding her head toward the counter by the side door that leads into the garage.
I slowly walked over to the counter and stared at the pile of mail. I sifted through the different shaped envelopes until I found the one with my name on it. My heart pounded in my chest and I dropped the stack in my hand back onto the counter and picked up the thin white envelope addressed to me in messy handwriting. I hadn’t expected him to write me so quickly, so I never thought about stalking the mailbox.
“What is
it, honey?” my mom asked.
I pressed the envelope close to my chest. “Nothing, just a letter,” I said quickly and ran up to my bedroom. I sat on my bed and folded my legs under me as I stared at the letter. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly before tearing it open.
Dear Nicky,
I feel kinda silly for writing you this letter considering I only just saw you a few minutes ago and you haven’t even left town yet, but I had an overwhelming desire to talk to you. I am kicking myself so hard right now. I’ve been acting like a big baby these past couple of weeks instead of enjoying the time we did have together. I have to apologize for that. I hate knowing that was the last impression I left and if I could do it all again I wouldn’t have acted like that. I have to explain why. What I am about to tell you is something I’ve never talked about with anyone before and it is very hard for me, but I have to explain to you why I’ve been acting the way that I have been. Two years ago I watched my older sister, Tonya, drown in the ocean behind my house. It has been a constant nightmare that has plagued my life. The guilt has been so unbearable. People keep telling me it wasn’t my fault. Nicky, she got caught in an undertow helping me. How is that not my fault? I’ve been in a very dark place for a long time, but somehow meeting you completely changed my life. You have given me so much this summer, far more than you could ever know, and I thank you with everything that I am for it. I fear that the loss of you will be just as great, if not greater, than the loss of my sister. I know you said not to worry because you will come back, but it still doesn’t change the fact that you’re leaving and those feelings seem so paralyzing sometimes. I know I’ve already told you, but I’m going to miss you so much. It’s going to feel so strange tomorrow morning when I wake up and won’t be able to see you, and the next day and the next. You have been my constant world for the past two months. Wow, two months! That doesn’t seem very long, does it? No matter. Who needs two months to fall in love, or even two weeks? I fell in love with you that first day I saw you. I just hope that these ten long months of separation don’t undo what we built during our short time together. We are both going to start school soon, me high school, and we will both experience different things. That’s life. I expect that. Just promise me that you’ll never forget me. I couldn’t handle that. Anyway, I’m going to end it on that because those thoughts are too much right now. I love you, Nicky, forever.
Jeremy
I put the letter down on my bed and stared at the wall ahead of me. It’s so heartbreaking to know Jeremy is in so much pain and there’s nothing I can do about it. Even worse to know it’s because of me.
“What can I do to help him?” I asked myself out loud.
I looked around my room thinking about what Jeremy had said and an idea hit me. I jumped up and hurried to my desk. I found my notebook and ink pen. I sat down at my desk and began to write.
Dear Jeremy,
I’m so sorry about Tonya. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I know this is hard, but it isn’t going to get any easier, so we need to figure out a way to make the best of it for now. No more moping around, not for either of us. I fell in love with your smile and that is the image I want to keep. I have an idea. We should write each other as much as we can about everything we do during the day, even if it is just a few lines. That way it’ll be like we’re not really missing anything. Also, I am including a picture of me with this letter and will take one periodically so you can share in my experiences. Of course I expect you to do the same thing. We’ll get through this, and do you know why? Because I am Nicky and you are Jeremy and we love each other. I made you a promise and I plan to keep it, no matter what. I will write you again once I receive your next letter. I’ll be waiting.
My love for you is forever. This I promise you.
XOXO
Nicky
I sealed the letter in an envelope and took it outside to the mailbox. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly before putting it in the box. I looked up the road toward Candy’s house and started walking. I told Jeremy not to sit around moping anymore so I have to do the same thing and what better way than hanging out with my oldest and best friend? She is the one person who knows me better than anyone else, even Jeremy. Besides, I’ll need material to write about in my next letter.
I rang the doorbell and stood back and waited. After a minute, she finally answered the door. She stared at me like I was a stranger and it hurt.
“Hey,” I said quietly.
“Hey, what’s up?” she asked coldly.
I shifted from one foot to the other. “I was wondering if you wanted to hang out and catch up?”
She stood up straight and crossed her arms over her chest and stared at me. “Now you want to hang out?”
“Yes,” I whispered and looked away when I felt tears burning my eyes. I took a deep breath, and then turned back to her. “I don’t just want to, I need to.”
She noticed my change in demeanor and uncrossed her arms, her tough girl exterior melted away. “Come on in then,” she said, moving to the side to let me in. She closed the door behind me and I followed her to her bedroom. I sat on her bed and pulled my knees up to my chest while she walked to her desk and turned on the radio. A soft hum of R&B floated through the small space. When she was satisfied with the music selection, she turned around and looked at me. “So what’s up? How was your summer?”
“It was great,” I said sadly.
Candy tilted her head to the side as she stared at me. “What’s wrong then?”
I turned to look at her but no matter how hard I tried to stop them, the tears found their way down my cheeks. She sat down beside me on the bed and wrapped an arm around my shoulder.
“Nic, what is it?” she asked. “What happened to you this summer?”
I took a deep breath and told her all about my summer and how I met the most beautiful boy I had ever seen. She sat quietly in fascination. At our age, neither of us knew of these things. She made all of the “oh” and “ah” sounds at all of the appropriate places while I told her about the love I found and the loss I felt.
Eight
Two long days later, I finally got another letter. I ran to my bedroom, laid on my bed and stared at the crisp white envelope. These past two days had been the longest of my life. I sat by the window every day until the mail truck came, then would sprint for the front door when he finally did come, only to be let down. But now that I have the letter in my hands, all I can do is stare at it. I lifted it to my face and breathed in. I closed my eyes and smiled. I don’t know if it was just in my head, but I swore I could smell him on the stiff paper. I looked at the envelope again, still smiling and excitedly tore into it.
Dear Nicky,
I got your letter today and it couldn’t have come at a better time because I have had a really hard two days. Thank you for the picture! It made my day. You looked so pretty in it, but that’s not surprising. You’re always pretty. I will see what I can do about getting one to you as well. Also I think you’re right. If we really love each other like we say then we can do this. I even spent the day outside today. Mary and Brandon dragged me out. We went to the beach and played football for a little while then hung out at the Shack and played a few games of pool. I have to admit, it was strange not seeing your smiling face as I whooped Brandon’s butt at pool but I pretended like you were there anyway.
School starts in a couple of days. I will have to keep you posted on how that goes. To be honest, I’m not looking forward to it. I’m pretty nervous about it actually, but I figure the sooner it starts, the sooner it’ll be over with then I will be able to see you again. I think that’ll be enough to get me through.
After dinner tonight I went for a walk on the beach alone and listened to the night music. It just made me miss you more. I hate to be a downer, but I love you, Nicky, and I hope you are doing okay with this adjustment, better than I am, anyway. I promise, no more moping around. I just had to tell you that.
Love you always,<
br />
Jeremy
I walked over to my desk, retrieved my notebook and pen and sat back down on my bed. I was so impulsive and excited; I couldn’t wait to write him back.
Dear Jeremy,
You have me laughing right now. I can clearly picture ya’ll bickering back and forth. Brandon trying to say that you cheated or just got lucky and demanding a rematch for the, hmm, third time and you acting offended by his accusations, yet smiling all along. Yeah, I can picture it. I’m glad you went out with them and had some fun. Maybe it’ll make time go by faster. I hung out with my best friend, Candy, these past two days as well. Sadly, she and I are growing apart. It happens. We’re getting older and our interests are changing, but I’ve missed her. She’s the only person who knows everything about me, other than you, of course, and it has been nice to talk to her about everything. We start school in a couple of days as well. Like you, I’m not looking forward to it, but I’m going into eighth grade so it won’t be so bad. Candy thinks we are going to rule the school this year. I’m just glad I don’t have to switch schools like you do. I am going to savor this last year of being an upperclassman as long as I can because it’s going to be a long time until senior year. I’m sure you’re going to do great though, and everyone is going to love you. How could they not?
Hmm, walking on the beach at night and listening to the peaceful sleepy world around you. I’m jealous. That was my favorite thing to do. How about every night at, let’s say, eight o’clock, we sit outside and stare up at the moon for a few minutes? It’s a fixed point and we’ll be staring at the same thing at the same time. I love it! Please agree.
My love for you is forever. This I promise you.
XOXO
Nicky
***
School started a few days later. Nothing much usually happens at school on the first day, not work-wise anyway, so I didn’t have to be too focused, which was perfect for me. Candy and I got to school a little bit early thanks to her mom dropping us off, so we didn’t have to ride the dreadful bus. We sat at a picnic table in our favorite spot, in the quad in the center of the school, and people watched. If you don’t know what it is, people watching is just that. You watch everyone around you. People usually have the funniest expressions plastered on their faces when they have nothing to do. It was a hobby we both enjoyed doing and took part in it everywhere we went. Today seemed like the perfect day for it. So many kids were wandering around, some nervous about starting a new school, some excited to set their status in this new school year, others still trying to wake up from their long summer slumber.
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