Discovering April

by Sheena Hutchinson

  She starts dancing around me in a circle, forming some space between us and the other dancers. People are starting to notice us and watch. I’m used to the staring; I wouldn’t have decided to dye part of my hair pink if I didn’t like attention, but this is a little too many eyes for my taste. That is, until my eyes meet his. Across the length of the club, he stands next to Eric by the bar, one hand in his jean pocket, the other holding a beer. His mouth is a little quirked and his eyes are, like always, on me. The glowing bottles behind him have nothing on his eyes. He’s all that I can see. His eyes are suddenly all that matter. I begin my dance again, feeling the weight of his stare just like I felt the weight of his body on me only a few hours ago.

  I twirl in a circle as my hips move to the music blaring out of the speakers. My eyes automatically flip back to his spot at the bar. Only they aren’t there any longer. Frantically, I search to find them again. But all I’m met with are the eyes of strangers on Stacey and me. I pause my dancing as someone comes up behind me. I smile slowly, turning to meet his eyes. I gasp when they aren’t the brown eyes I was expecting. It’s not Jared at all. We struggle. I’m trying to get out of his grip on my waist and he keeps pulling my bottom back to his front. I’m silently regretting leaving my mace out of my purse tonight. His hands slip under my shirt and I instinctively lift my knee and jab my foot down onto his. Finally releasing me, he stumbles backwards before Stacey pops up and wiggles her finger at him from left to right. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to have a girlfriend until this very moment. I don’t think I knew what I was missing, the loyalty and having someone watching your back. Only this time no one was watching mine, and I bump into someone else. Their hands wind their way into my belt lops and I clench my fists as their face leans into my neck. Spinning around, I wind up my arm for a right hook when the face comes into view as the flashing lights illuminates it. Jared. I release a deep breath.

  “It’s only you.”

  “Now, I understand the arrest,” He smirks at my clenched fists and I hide a laugh by turning to make sure Stacey is okay.

  She is seductively dancing around Eric, so I’m guessing she’s in good hands. I wrap my arms around Jared’s neck, bringing him closer to me, feeling his hard body against the length of mine. I look up to see his eyes are between us, as well. Feeling my eyes on his, he meets them. His lips don’t have to form it, because his eyes are smiling down on me. My heart freezes inside my chest; it’s hard to breathe and I find myself wondering if this is what a heart attack feels like. Our eyes never leave the others’ and just like that, I’m sucked into the quicksand that is Jared Hoffman. The people around us disappear, the floor beneath us falls away, the music is a distant melody and it’s just us. Us. Just like that, I became an us.

  When the drunken kissing has stopped, the bar is blurry and the room is spinning even while I’m not dancing. Jared decides it’s time to leave. Eric is practically carrying Stacey over to us as Jared links his hand with mine. I let him guide me through the crowd and towards the front doors. As we pass the tables hosting bottle service, my eyes hover over a familiar face. Hunter. His green eyes are alive with laughter as his hand rests on Todd’s cousin’s knee. Veronica, with her low-cut shirt accentuating her superior curves. The girl he cheated on me with. I had known the truth all along; deep down I’ve always known. He’s sitting there in a blue collared shirt I bought for him for Christmas one year because it brings out his eyes. His hair is slicked back and his friends all around him are toasting to something I’m no longer a part of. A waitress blocks my line of vision as she places a new bottle of vodka in the bucket of ice at their table and they hoot in celebration again. The waitress moves and Hunter finally sees me. His face loses its smile as his eyes stare at me. His hand pulls back from her and I think he looks as if he might stand to his feet. As much as I try to fight it, I wonder what he thinks when he looks at me now. Does he see the good times? Does he see regret? Or is he happy he made the right decision?

  “You okay?” Jared tugs at my wrist.

  I didn’t notice I had stopped walking until his grip on me tightens. I have to blink a few times to watch as he glances over to see Hunter climbing to his feet. He turns to me again as if trying to read my mind.

  “I’m okay,” I finally mutter, gripping his hand back. Without another glance back at me, he pulls me out of the club and onto his motorcycle.

  It seems like it takes us forever before Jared pulls his bike into his driveway. The ride home is silent. I am thinking once again. My mind is a vortex of memories and self doubt as Jared puts the bike in park and slips off to help me down. He unclasps my helmet and peels it off my head before pausing to look at me. My mind is once again eased. It’s as if Jared is my faith in myself. He is the reason I want better for myself; he is the reason I realize that I deserve better for myself. His lips purse, as if to speak, and without further thought I lean up to kiss him. Once my lips are on his all is forgotten – for both of us. His question never comes and my mind is finally blank. I pull away slowly from his bottom lip before licking my lips and hopping over the line of daises. I saunter up to my front door, fumbling awkwardly with the keys because I have once again forgotten to leave the lights on for myself. I’m shouldering the door a second time when I feel a warm body behind me. His face is in my neck again, this time kissing his way up to my ear. Jared reaches around me and opens the door on his first try.

  I turn my head to mumble something sarcastic, like “Show off,” or “I loosened it for you,” but instead his lips crash down on mine. All that is heard is a soft moan before he pushes me inside.

  I almost trip over Jinx on the steps before he meows, excited to see Jared. I pull away from Jared’s lips only long enough to whisper, “Shoo!”

  Jinx just swats at my ankles as we pass him. We share a drunken giggle before breaking apart long enough to climb the rest of the stairs. I throw open the door to my room and kick off my shoes. I’m expecting him to say something about the last time I was drunkenly stripping for him, but he doesn’t. Instead, he sits on the side of my bed, looking at his hands in his lap.

  “Apes, can I ask you something?”

  I stand in front of him and place my hands on his shoulders. “Anything.”

  He squares his shoulders so my fingers slip off of him. “Are you over him?”

  I step back, feeling like I have just been punched in the gut. “What?”

  “Are. You. Over. Him?” he repeats, still looking down as if he needs to prepare himself for the response.

  “I don’t think I will ever be over him. I think we will always be linked by some kind of stupid, immature bond. We will always have a connection. But, romantically we will never be the same. We will never be April and Hunter again.”

  He’s silent. I wish the alcohol streaming through my blood right now hadn’t made me so brutally honest. Seeing the hurt in his eyes, I wish I had lied. I wish I had told him I had no feelings; that things were over, that he hadn’t gutted me like a fish when he left. But he would know I was lying. He witnessed it.

  “I care about you now,” my hand cups his cheek and Jared pulls away from me.

  “You know I can’t give you everything that he could. I will never be super rich; I will never go to work in a suit; there will never be a charity ball to go to or a mansion hosting maids and servants. I have a need for speed, dirty calloused hands, and an even dirtier mind. I can’t give you all that, but I promise you I will always have more than enough.”

  He totally misconstrued my look towards Hunter’s table. I wasn’t envying the bottle service or jealous of him with his new girlfriend. I was sad. I feel like I lost a friend, someone who knows my secrets, my funny quirks; someone I have inside jokes with. Someone who knew me better than I knew myself. That’s what I miss.

  My eyes gravitate to my dresser and my line of snow globes. The Tinkerbell snow globe is situated in front of all the rest. It’s the little things that matter. The cheap, thoughtful things that
offer happiness money can’t buy.

  “That’s all I need!” I blurt out when my voice finally catches up with my mind. His eyes finally look up at me as I lean over to cup his face between my hands again. This time he lets me. “You are all I need.”

  His lips meet mine, then part mine with desperation. I let him. I let him take out his hurt, every year he had to watch me kiss Hunter. Every tear he shed thinking about me. Every daydream he ever had about us. I let him kiss me and prove to himself that I’m real. I’m here and I care for him with every piece of me, even if I can’t say the words out loud.

  “JARE!” I CALL FROM THE spot where he left me cuddled up under the covers.

  He pauses and turns to face me from the doorway. “I’m gonna go take a shower.” He points over his shoulder towards the hallway.

  I nod in acknowledgement before he turns, thinking the conversation is over.

  “Can we do something human tonight?” I prop myself up on my elbow.

  At the sound of my words he spins around, giving me a sexy smirk. “As opposed to all the inhuman things we were doing?”

  “You know what I mean, can we do something— traditional? I don’t want to jump out of planes or swim the Atlantic… can we just have a normal night? Like movies or something?”

  “Movies? Well, I supposed it can be dangerous if you don’t get your popcorn, but are you sure we are ready for a step like that?” His sarcasm is apparent, but I debate it nonetheless.

  “Yea, what’s the worst that can happen?” I joke, leaning back against the headboard.

  I HAVE THE LAST laugh. Jared and I walk into the small town movie theater for our first conventional date. Jared’s hands clamp mine as we walk over to the ticket booth. I smirk thinking that he might feel a little out of place enters my head. I squeeze his hand as I look at him.

  He leans over to kiss my forehead. “What do you want to see?”

  “Hmmm, you look like a chick flick kind of softie.”

  He rolls his eyes over-dramatically at my attempt at a joke. “And you, my dear, look like a horror kind of girl!”

  “How about we settle for the action movie based on a vintage comic series?”

  “Deal!” he answers, slamming an invisible gavel, indicating the choice has been made.

  “Wow, I hope all our decisions are going to be this easy.” I state it as a joke, but Jared wraps his arm around my shoulders.

  “Like you said quite a few years ago, we never fight—we just have fun.” His flashback statement is stated in all seriousness.

  “I can think of a few fun things to do!” I flirt, running my fingertips up and down the tee shirt peeking out from his unzipped jacket.

  “Careful… or we will never make it to our first date,” he tells me, winking before looking back up towards the front of the line.

  I’m beaming by the time we have my popcorn—I guess he didn’t want things to be that dramatic—and head for theater three. I’m still thinking about what Jared said in line that I almost don’t notice him. My eyes are looking up at Jared. It isn’t until I see someone stop a few feet in front of me, causing a disturbance as the rest of the people are trying to exit the theater, that I turn to lock eyes with Hunter. He’s holding hands with her. Veronica. Looking at them standing right in front of me completely sober, I expect to feel hurt. I expect to feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. But instead, all I feel is surprise at seeing him. Surprise… and maybe sadness. Sad because I have lost an old friend.

  “Uh, hi,” Hunter mutters and I feel Jared’s eyes on me to see how I will react.

  “Hey, Hunter, how are you?” I keep it polite and casual.

  “Good, good… and you?”

  I glance up at Jared, smiling. “Awesome.” He returns my, grin squeezing my shoulders slightly. “Well, we are late for the show… I’ll see ya ‘round.” I say this as casually as I can, pulling Jared away deeper into the theater.

  “Well, that wasn’t awkward or anything!” I whisper to Jared.

  “Seems like a nice guy,” he mutters sarcastically into my ear.

  I giggle. Next time, we do what Jared wants. It’s a lot more fun and less chance of running into ex-boyfriends!

  Settling into our seats, we pick the first row so we can put our feet up on the bar. Hunter always had to be in the center; he said it had the best view. But I like to sit back and put my feet up. Jared lifts the armrest between us and I place the popcorn there. The popcorn is almost all gone by the time the movie starts, but I don’t mind. His hand grazes mine as we both go in for more popcorn. We both reach for the soda at the same time, and when the bag is empty Jared puts it on the floor and wraps his arm around my shoulder. I scoot in closer to his side, close enough to smell his soap. With my feet up on the bar, my head on his shoulder, and his arm wrapped tightly around me—it just feels natural. Normal.

  We exit the theater hand in hand, just as we had entered. I can’t help glancing down and taking in our clasped hands. I was never much of the affectionate type. Whenever Hunter and I held hands or cuddled in a movie theater, I was always fully aware of it. It was always a conscious effort. Now as I think about it, everything with Jared feels instinctual. I don’t notice my fingers reaching for his, I’m not aware of his arm wrapping around my shoulders – it just happens. We are drawn to each other like magnets. Jared’s my magnet. I reach into my pocket for my phone to check the time, but it’s the message waiting for me that stops me in my tracks.

  You looked great, A, I’ve missed you.

  Immediately, I tuck it back into my pocket and stare at the Jeep parked ahead of us. I try and hide the conflicting emotions inside me as I cover my harsh action to Hunter’s text message by pretending to cough. Releasing Jared’s hand to cover my mouth. I don’t know why this text bothers me so much. Maybe, it’s like I felt earlier; I’m sad about losing an old friend. The thought bothers me to the point that I decide to sleep in my own bed tonight, alone.

  We enter the Jeep, which now has its roof and doors on in preparation for the upcoming winter. I’m still staring out into the dark night as other couples wander to their cars together. It isn’t until the silence reverberates through me that I realize he hasn’t started the car yet. I peer over at him and his hands grip the steering wheel tightly while his eyes remain on the Jeep logo located in the center. I open my mouth to speak but Jared beats me to it.

  “Can I just tell you that I’ve fantasized about our first official date for years now.” His voice tightens and I get the feeling he’s holding back tears. Finally he turns his head to look at me and I close my gaping mouth. “—and it’s lived up to all my expectations.”

  My eyes close, savoring his words like they are the first breath up from a really long swim. I lift my body over the center console. I need to be closer to him. I feel as though I want to take away all the pain, all the waiting, and all the doubt that has been on his heart for so long. Climbing into his lap, I reach down and release the lever, sending his seat back so I can fit. Sliding my hands up, I cup his face between them before looking into his eyes. His big brown eyes remind me of a timid deer, the eyes that find all my idiosyncrasies perfect. Then, without being able to hold it back any longer, I kiss him. I kiss him to take away the years we spent apart. I kiss him so that we both can forget about the boys before him.

  “I love you, Apes,” he whispers against my lips.

  Instead of responding, I deepen our kiss, writhing against his body until he too craves more.

  WE GET HOME AND I make some excuse to sleep alone tonight. I need to clear my head. The text from Hunter still haunts me and my feelings for Jared just keep growing. I need to get a handle on things. I’m pacing my room when Jinx whines in protest at the lack of cuddling with him. Another guy trying to get my attention. I sigh. He cries again before I take my shoe off and throw it at him. He just rolls over, turning his face away from me. I mimic him by doing the same. That’s when my eyes catch sight of a notebook and I grab it, taking it t
o my desk. I etch a line down the center. At the top right side, I write HUNTER and the other side of the line I write JARED. I can’t believe I need to do this, but my mind has always been more visual.

  Under Hunter, I write:

  Pros- wealthy family, white-collar job, man in a suit, passionate,

  Cons- a lot of fighting, hates cats, entitled, stubborn, cheater, immature,

  Under Jared I write:

  Cons- no family, blue-collar job, always wears construction boots, psycho Eric,

  Pros- hard working, no fights, loves Jinx, easygoing, loving, treats me like a princess

  Finally, in big letters I write over it a few times until it sinks in:

  HOME.

  Jared has filled me with this feeling of self and safety and … home that I never had with Hunter. All I ever got from Hunter was insecurity and self-doubt. I lost myself with Hunter and Jared helped me find her again.

  I can’t believe I was even thinking about going back to him. Is it crazy, the kind of hold first love can have on you? Maybe he wasn’t my first love. Love can be found in a friendship; maybe I loved Jared even back then. Maybe that’s why it hurt so much when he pushed me away.

  I rip up the paper to shreds and throw it in the garbage beside the desk. Walking over to the bed, I pet Jinx, who is more than happy to have my attention once again. Suddenly, my eyes are distracted when a light flips on and filters down to my room. Jared’s eyes lock with mine through the windowpanes between us. I smile. I don’t know what I was doubting. Jared is the only man that makes me blush with one look. The way his brown eyes peer into me, like he knows the deepest secrets of my heart and will help me keep them safe. All my doubts fade away as I peer at him, arms crossed, trying to read my mind as always.

  I pretend to fake yawn, stretching my arms over my head. I take my hair out of my ponytail and shake it, running my fingers through to the ends. I feel his smirk even without having to look at him. Slowly, I unzip my hoodie and slip my arms through before throwing it across the room. I twist to make sure Jared is still watching. Of course he is – he wouldn’t miss this show. I grasp the hem of my tee shirt and pull it over my head before tossing it on top of my hoodie. I’m mentally so thankful that Ro and I had that little shopping trip as I look down to eye the black bra I’m wearing. Looping my fingers into the button of my jeans, I carefully unhook it and shimmy out of them. I twist as I toss them aside, showing off the curve of my hips as I bend over, reaching for my nightshirt. I shake my hair off my shoulder before putting my hands through the shirt and slipping it on. Jared’s forehead is against his window when I catch sight of him again. Shaking his head, he places his hands on the glass. I blow him a kiss before crawling into my bed and flick the lamp off. I don’t think it’s healthy, us sleeping together every single night. I know we each need our space. My darkest fear is that I turn into a codependent like I was with Hunter. But here, alone in the dark with nothing but my breathing breaking the hollow silence, I feel as though I’m missing something.