Discovering April

by Sheena Hutchinson

  He closes his mouth from making another smart remark when he pauses to look me in the eyes. “Come.”

  He directs me over to a desk in the corner and waves for me to sit in the chair at the edge of his desk. “I don’t know where he is …”

  “Your neighbor?”

  “Yes, he … he disappeared from the hospital.”

  “I see.” His voice is clipped; he’s on to me.

  “I think he might be in danger!” I try to cut to the chase.

  “April, did he disappear or did he leave?”

  “Both.” I glance down at my sneakers as I admit he’s caught me.

  “You know you can’t just use the police department to find all your ex-boyfriends for you!”

  “He’s not my ex-boyfriend!” I meet his angry glare with my own.

  “Apparently, he is if he doesn’t want you to find him.”

  “But he’s hurt and he doesn’t know what he wants. He doesn’t know the whole story!”

  “It doesn’t matter. You can’t report a missing persons if that person isn’t actually missing.”

  “But he is!” I slam my fists into his desk and a few officers look up at us.

  “Only to you!” he argues back at me, lowering his voice.

  “Yes! To me! Don’t you understand? He thinks I betrayed him somehow. I just want to tell him it wasn’t anything like that! I have to tell him! Please, John. Please help me!” I grab for his arm. He lets me take his hand but his eyes remain unchanged.

  “There was a time when I wished you would like me like this.”

  I pull my hand back, sinking back into my chair.

  “It’s okay,” he says. “I’ve wised up since then.”

  “I…I …”

  “I know,” He takes my fallen hand back in his. “April, I knew your heart was taken when I first saw how your eyes gravitated to him once he entered the precinct. Even drunk, you wear your feelings out on your sleeve. I was in denial. I couldn’t believe it – and it was my own fault.” He looks down at his hand holding my pale one. “I can’t file a missing persons report. I could lose my job.”

  “I understand,” I whisper, keeping my eyes on our hands, as well.

  “But I’ll do some digging, okay?”

  My eyes meet his and I jump up to hug him. “Thank you, John. I’m so sorry to involve you in this. I wouldn’t bother you if it wasn’t a last resort.”

  “April, promise me something?”

  “Anything!”

  “Make sure he’s worth all this.”

  Why does everyone keep saying that to me?

  “He is,” I hear my own voice respond automatically.

  THREE MONTHS HAVE gone by, and it feels like three years. Jared has never returned home once. I haven’t heard from Officer Smith. I have no idea if he is even looking into it like he said he would.

  I even tried getting it out of Tammie, but it turns out that she doesn’t really know where Jared is. The hospital won’t release the information to her, either. I tried calling the insurance; they politely informed me that they haven’t received any claims yet and have no further information. I called every hospital or rehab center in the 20-mile vicinity and no one had any patient by that name.

  I don’t know if that was the truth or a very calculated lie, or maybe Jared is going by another name. I think that’s taking things a little too far, but what do I know? I’ve tried calling Stacey, Eric, Mack and the office once – that’s when I reached Zach – but no one has any information. If they do, they don’t let me in on it. I’m not proud of it, but I even looked through his mail to see if he received any correspondence from where he was staying. There was nothing but bills and coupons.

  I even try going to work to see Jack. As I pull up to the coffee house, I notice all the lights are out and when I try the door, it is locked. There is a layer of dust across the window, and it looks as if no one had been there in weeks. It seems that Jack has straight up disappeared into thin air. Without a job, behind in my schoolwork, and struggling with a lost, recovering boyfriend, I find I don’t know where to turn. My parents have since flown back to Florida, so instead I call Ro. Not the most comforting person, but a friend nonetheless.

  “Hey, girl!” She opens the door, pulling me into a hug. “You look awful!”

  “Thanks, it’s good to see you too!”

  I pretty much interrogate her at her kitchen table about what has been going on. She has a lot of information. The dorms were finished and the construction crew are onto their next task. I missed two months of classes and would have to retake them, Jack’s Coffee Bean apparently never opened its doors after the night redheaded siren Sera kicked me out of the shop. Oh, and last but not least, no one has seen or heard from Jared in months. Not the information I wanted to hear, but information nonetheless. At the end of our ‘girl talk,’ I burst into uncontrollable sobs. I can’t seem to hold them back anymore. I’ve become somewhat of a blubbering mess.

  “Oh, dear!” Ro mutters, looking around uncomfortably before she finally climbs out of her chair and pulls me into a hug. “I knew you loved the kid, but this… this is some next level stuff.”

  “I don’t know what more I can do?” I sniffle.

  “Sometimes the best thing to do is sit and wait things out. You’ve tried; things are in his hands now.” She pushes me an arm’s length away. “Now, wipe those tears and man up. If it’s meant to be, then it will be.”

  “What am I going to do if it’s not?” It comes out like a whisper; I’m almost afraid to say it out loud.

  “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

  ANOTHER MONTH HAS PASSED, and I’m walking up the steps to the hospital to see my old friend Tammie. Getting on with my life has been slow, but I’m gradually improving each day. I’ve submitted medical paperwork to retake my classes from last semester; I have a new job working reception at the local clinic, and I’ve actually been able to pay all my bills this month! My parents did a little more than help while they were here. They paid up all my past due notices and cleaned the house for me. I guess they wanted me to come home to order and not more chaos.

  I am nervous as I ascend the stairs. I haven’t seen Tammie since my breakdown quite a few months ago. I’m almost embarrassed to show my face here.

  Opening the doors, my eyes immediately lock with hers and I hear her clipboard drop.

  “Well, I’ll be damned!” She smacks her hand on the desk loudly before closing the gap between us by pulling me into a hug. “How are you, girl?”

  “I’m doing good,” I whisper, holding back tears.

  “Come, let’s go have a chat. I have a lunch break to take!” She ushers me into the elevator and then out through the lobby to the coffee house across the street. We have a seat in the back and she starts right in. “I haven’t heard from him, if that’s what you’re here for.”

  “I’m not,” I reassure her.

  “Good, cuz I couldn’t tell you even if I wanted to.”

  “I’m over it. I have done the best I could. The rest is up to the universe now.”

  She nods. “Look at you, all philosophical now.”

  “I try!” I playfully fluff my hair.

  “You got rid of the pink?” she asks, reaching out to touch my platinum pixie hair cut.

  “Yea, I wanted to be taken more serious.”

  “Serious, huh? That’s not the girl I know.”

  “Tammie, I wanted to tell you I applied for nursing school.”

  Her teacup rattles as she drops it back onto its saucer to stare at me.

  “You kind of inspired me into wanting something more for myself.” Her eyes start to glisten as I continue. “I think there should be more nurses like you Tammie, more people that care. I want to be one of them.”

  “Well, I’ll be…” She shakes her head, definitely fighting back tears. “You know, I have to say, April, just when I think I have you all figured out… you go getting all smart on me.” She pulls me into a hug
. “It’s been an absolute pleasure. When you get that degree, you come find me. There will always be a job here for you at the hospital. I’d pay money to have these little scared nurses work under you!” We both share a laugh before she picks up her teacup again. “April, there’s something I have to ask you.”

  I look up, surprised and my heart once again stops, thinking that it might have something to do with Jared.

  “I just don’t understand. You were by his side the entire time. What made you finally decide to listen to me?” Her eyes explore mine.

  “I don’t know. You were right,” I look down, giving into the truth. “I guess there are just some things you need to know for yourself. There is no substitute for peace of mind. There is no reasoning with love, no common sense, no thinking. Feelings like love and friendship are beyond common sense, beyond all reason.”

  She nods slowly, accepting my words. “Then there is something I need to tell you.” I suck in a breath and she continues. “He woke screaming your name. When I came rushing into the room he knew my name – like he was awake the entire time. He asked for you and I said you would be right back, but he knew the truth. He had heard us.” My heart drops to the floor as my hands grip the sides of the table, preparing for the point of all this. “I have to say April, the hurt in that man’s eyes made me want to rip out my soul. It’s the same hurt I saw in your eyes the first time you saw him lying unconscious. The passion between you two is undeniable. He is doing this because he is hurt. Show him that you would never do that, show him that you were here for him the entire time. Fight for him!”

  “How? I don’t even know where he is…” Not able to hold them back, a tear escapes and makes its way down my cheek.

  “You didn’t hear this from me. But I had to prepare some medical records and I have the fax number I sent them to. I did a little Internet researching and I found the fax belongs to Caudry Rehabilitation Center.”

  “Caudry? Like over by the amusement park?”

  She nods.

  “Why are you telling this to me now?”

  “I think you can handle it now.”

  It’s my turn to nod. She’s right; I was slightly hysterical before.

  “Thanks!” I scream, throwing my purse over my shoulder and running out of the coffee shop.

  “Go get ‘um girl!” I hear her holler after me.

  Running to my car, I start it up and swerve out of the parking lot, straight onto the highway. I’m going to see him. I’m finally going to see him.

  It seems like my car can’t go fast enough; I’m swerving and cutting people off like crazy. You would think I would have learned, being in a terrible car accident myself, but apparently that’s the last thing on my mind. Instead, I’m going over and over again the things I want to explain to Jared. The things I want to make clear. If he heard everything, he had to hear me tell him I loved him. He had to know that.

  I zip into a spot, completely crooked. I hop out of the car and run past the perfectly manicured lawn and cobblestone walkway into the three-floored Caudry Rehab center. Before I reach the front desk, I try to collect myself by flattening out my shirt as I walk up to the receptionist.

  “Good Afternoon, how can I help you?” the pleasant girl behind the counter asks me.

  “I’m looking for the room of Jared Hoffman.”

  “Hoff-man… hmm... H- O- F- F-M-A-N.” She types out loud. “I’m sorry ma’am, there’s no one here by that name.”

  “Yes, there is! Records of his were faxed here!” I practically scream.

  The receptionist next to her gets nervous and looks over.

  “Please, check again,” I beg softly.

  She nods and checks her screen again before swallowing hard. “I checked twice more. There’s no current patient by that name, miss.”

  Her eyes stay on mine, like they are telling me she can’t speak. I feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I choke on the words I want to scream at the top of my lungs.

  “What is your name, dear?” A skinny woman in a navy pantsuit comes traipsing around the corner, clearly drawn to our interaction.

  “April, I’m his … uh…”

  “April. I regret to inform you there is no one here by the name of Jared Hoffman.”

  The disappointment must show on my face; it seems like every time I think I have a lead things seem to blow up in my face leaving me more destroyed then the time before.

  “Can I ask why you are looking for him?”

  “Because…” I pause.

  It looks like both women at the desk are looking at me, but it’s this professional-looking lady’s eyes I feel the most. It’s like she’s inspecting me, dissecting my every response. It doesn’t matter anymore. I finally let myself feel what I’ve been holding in for months.

  “Because I love him. I messed up. I made him a promise and I broke it for ten minutes and I just want to explain myself to him and tell him that I love him and if after that he still wants to play this game of hide and seek I will let him go. But he deserves to know. He has to hear that I love him, at least once!”

  “I see.” Mrs. Pant-suit glances over at the receptionists, who quickly hide their lovesick eyes and begin to look busy, shuffling papers. “Miss Landau, let me walk you out.”

  “How did you–?”

  “As I said before, there is no one here by that name.”

  “But he was?” I whisper in disbelief.

  “I’m sorry, but he was discharged this morning,” her words echo through my head as I turn to leave. Discharged. I was so close. “Miss Landau, my name is Mrs. Fontaine. I know Jared—I was a part of his recovery.” My eyes meet hers and she continues. “Do not give up. I believe he needs to hear what you have to say just as much as you need to tell him.”

  “I—”

  “Just promise me you will find him and you will tell him.”

  “I promise,” I whisper before stumbling to my car, my eyes filled with tears.

  THE RIDE HOME is a blur. It has started to rain, mirroring the tears on my cheeks. I slam my fists into the steering wheel a few times in anger. Why did that lady make me promise? And why didn’t Tammie tell me where he was sooner? Damn it!

  Finally, I pull onto my street and my heart stops dead in my chest when I see Jared’s house lights are on. My car comes to a screeching halt across the street and I fumble out of my seat belt, falling out of the car and closing the door behind me.

  Jared walks out of the house with a box in his hands. He has a slight limp, favoring his right side and his hair has grown and is parted to the side, but he looks healthy. That’s when I notice all the boxes lined up on the side of the driveway. He’s moving. He’s leaving me.

  “Jared!” I scream, running up to him.

  He looks at me once, a hard cold glare before returning his gaze back down to lift another box.

  “Jared! You’re okay!”

  “What do you want April?” My full name hurts me coming from him.

  “Jared …I …”

  “I have nothing to say to you,” he calmly states, throwing the box into the small trunk carelessly.

  “Why not?” I poke the beast, knowing full well of the verbal attack that’s coming. But I need it. I need to hear it. I need to be able to defend myself.

  “You left me, April! You told me you would never do that,” he says softly, too softly.

  That’s what scares me; it’s a voice that says he’s been defeated. A voice that screams he doesn’t care anymore.

  “No! I didn’t leave you!” I finally try to speak up for myself.

  “Yes, you did!” he finally screams, throwing another box into the trunk as the rain pelts down around us. “I could hear everything, all the phone calls. Your conversation with Tammie—everything! April I was there when you needed me, I was there when he left you! I was there to pick you up from the police station, I was there holding back your hair when you threw up all over the front seat of my Jeep!” He gestures towards the car. “And I stitch
ed up your leg, for Christ’s sake! And while I was fighting to wake up, you left to see him. The guy that threw you away like yesterday’s garbage – while I was struggling for my life! You left me to see Hunter.” Even through the rain, I see him spit his name like it is poison.

  “I had to tell him…”

  “No, you didn’t have to. You don’t owe him anything! He destroyed you!” He lets his words sink in before continuing. “But you went, anyway. You’ve made your decision.”

  His heartbreak is apparent with every word. If it wasn’t raining, I swear I could see his eyes glisten as he slams down the last box and whips the trunk door closed. I hurt him and it kills me. I promised Eric, and I promised myself that I would never do that. And I did. I made Jared like me… broken.

  “NO! I didn’t!” I try one last pathetic attempt at groveling. I reach out and grab his hand, willing for him to look at me, but he pulls away from me. The action cuts me to my core; he’s never withdrawn from me.

  “Jared,” I whisper.

  “I have to leave,” he coldly states, not able to look at me.

  I stare in disbelieving silence as Jared climbs into the driver’s seat. Is this really happening? His engine starts and he takes one last glance at me as I stand there in the rain, staring at him as my tears fall, mixing with the weather. He pulls his eyes from me with a finality that tells me this is it. He shifts the car into gear and zooms off down the road. My stomach is in my throat. This is it. It’s over…

  I STARE AT THE JEEP making its way down the street and something hits me. It can’t be over. He’s the only one that has made me feel alive. Without him, what am I? Dead?

  No, I’m not going back there again. Suddenly, Tammie’s words rise up from somewhere within me. Show him you were there—fight for him.

  I will do anything in my power to get him back. My mind barely wraps around the fact that I’m running.

  “Jared!” I scream after him.

  He stops at the stop sign at the end of the street. I think he looks back in his rearview mirror before he makes a right around the corner. So, he’s going to make me work for it – okay. I push myself faster. Rain is pelting down on my skin the faster I go, but I don’t dare slow down. I whip around the corner just in time to see him make a right, headed for The Avenue.