Scorpio Love

by S. Tamanaha

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Two days later, he found himself calling her again. She picked up the phone without checking the caller ID.

  “This is Susan,” she answered in that soft, sultry voice.

  “Hi, it’s John. Did I catch you at a bad time?”

  She could hardly believe that he was calling again so soon, but her voice never showed her surprise. “Hi. Good time actually. Just got back from dinner and taking my dog out for a walk.” It was difficult for her to sound nonchalant when she heard his voice. His voice stirred feelings within her that were unlike anything that she had ever felt before.

  “You must have a busy social life,” he remarked.

  She laughed a little. “Why would you think that?”

  “Well, the last time that I called, you had the boys in the band there. Now it’s dinner.” Again, he knew that it was unreasonable, but he actually felt a little jealous.

  “It was a business dinner with my managers. Sometimes, the only way to get them to show up all together is to offer to feed them. I don’t mind though. They work really hard. And you’d feel sorry for me if you knew how boring my social life was. How about you? How did that big Halloween bash go?”

  “Those things are social commitments. They don’t have anything to do with having a life,” he said. “I hate those events—put on the tux, eat mediocre and overpriced food, put up with the paparazzi and the interviewers with their ridiculous questions all night long.”

  She smiled. “Well, there’s another quality that I admire about you then.”

  “What’s that?”

  “You’re not into that glitzy, Hollywood lifestyle.”

  It made him feel good that she felt that way. “No, I’m not into that, that’s for sure. A lot of people around here think that I’m downright cheap.”

  She laughed again. He really did like her laugh. “Do you care?” she asked. “About what people think?”

  “Not really.”

  “That’s good.”

  “Why good?”

  “Because in my opinion there’s nothing that messes up your life more than caring too much about what people think. I know a lot of attorneys who go out and buy a Mercedes or a BMW because they think that the public expects them to be driving those kinds of cars. They buy a home in an affluent neighborhood because that’s where they are expected to live. Then they go out and learn how to golf because all attorneys are supposed to know how to play golf and they buy a country club membership for thirty or forty thousand dollars because that’s where everyone expects them to play golf. Before they know it, they’re in a hole that they can’t get out of and all for what? Trying to project an image to other people? It just doesn’t make sense to me.”

  He liked the fact that her viewpoint so closely mirrored his own. “So I guess you don’t drive a Mercedes or a BMW,” he ventured.

  “A ten-year-old Mazda MPV, which I just bought a couple of years ago. My friends think that I’m so strange because I’ve never owned a brand new car in my life.”

  “Neither have I,” he said, smiling. They really were on the same page.

  “But at least you drive a car that people consider a classic. I drive cars that people just consider old.”

  He laughed. “So, how did your Halloween party go?” he asked then. “With the band?”

  “I only stayed long enough to make sure that they were all set up and that the sound was okay and then I left. I stopped by to see some friends at a local karaoke bar. I wanted to take pictures because they all get dressed up in costume on Halloween.”

  “What kind of bar did you say?”

  “Oh, on the Mainland you call it ‘carry-oki’ but it’s really ‘karaoke’. That’s the proper pronunciation.”

  “Karaoke,” he repeated, rolling his tongue on the “r” as she did. “What does it mean anyway?”

  She liked his curiosity. “‘Kara’ means “empty”, as in karate which means empty hand—to fight or defend without a weapon—and ‘oke’ means orchestra. So loosely translated it means empty orchestra or music, therefore requiring a singer.”

  “Interesting,” he mused. “Now I can correct everyone else who’s saying it wrong.”

  She laughed a little. Somehow she knew he’d enjoy that—correcting those other people. “Anyway, after that I just came home and kicked back with my Angel.”

  “Your Angel?”

  “My dog. She really is an angel.” She stroked the little dog that was lying beside her on the couch.

  “What kind is she?”

  “She’s a little Maltese mix with the sweetest temperament ever. Everyone loves her. Do you like dogs?”

  “Most of the time. I just don’t like the little yappy ones that these people around here dress up like humans. You don’t dress your dog up do you?”

  She laughed. “I put a little t-shirt on her sometimes when it’s raining and I have to take her out, just to keep her from getting too muddy since she’s low to the ground but no, I don’t dress her up. Not even for Halloween. I feel sorry for those dogs. I know they probably don’t care, but I always feel that if they did care, they’d feel humiliated.”

  He laughed then. “So, what about next weekend? Any big plans?”

  “Well, I’ve got the band booked for another small gig on Saturday night so I’m going to go and check on them and then I’m probably just coming home to try to catch up on some personal stuff like cleaning my house. So very exciting, right?”

  “No date taking you out somewhere special?” He couldn’t dance around the subject any longer. He wanted to know.

  “No. No date. I told you, I have a very boring social life. The truth is, I don’t date anymore.”

  “You mean at all?” He was surprised.

  “I know, it’s strange. My friends think so. They’re always trying to hook me up with someone.”

  “Well, why don’t you? If you don’t mind my asking.”

  “I don’t mind you asking. I’m just not sure if I should answer you. I don’t want you to think that I’m stranger than you must already think that I am.”

  “Hey, I don’t think that you’re strange, okay?” His tone was almost stern.

  “You mean you know other people who have flown thousands of miles because of a dream?”

  He laughed a little. “Okay, maybe that whole dream thing is a little hard to understand, but you saved my life because of it and, as far as I’m concerned, that doesn’t make you strange. It makes you kind of ... special.”

  She smiled, pleased that he felt that way. “All right, I’ll try to explain it. I guess ... well, why do people date? There are only two reasons that I can think of. First, because they’re looking to have a good time—a fling—and I’m not into that.”

  “You’re not?”

  “I know. Everyone seems to be jumping in bed at the drop of a hat these days. I guess I don’t have to tell you that since you live in Hollywood. It’s just that for me ... well, I need to feel strong emotion for a person in order to have a physical relationship with him and how would I get that if it’s just a fling?”

  “Oh, I see.” He liked that she felt that way. “And the second reason?”

  “Because they’re looking for a potential mate and well, I’ve been there, done that.”

  “You were married?”

  “For a couple of years. A long time ago.”

  “Bad marriage?”

  “He was an okay guy, but we were very young and even when I was saying ‘I do’ I knew that I was marrying him for all the wrong reasons. My life was in turmoil at the time and he was this stable, regular guy and I thought that was what I needed, but I was wrong. I tried to make it work. Then, one day, I realized that I had to leave because every day I felt as though my soul was dying just a little bit more, and I figured that he deserved the chance to find the kind of person that fit his image of a wife because I couldn’t change who I was. So I did us both a favor and filed for divorce. I remember the divorce judge asked me
if I knew what I was doing because I had assumed all of the debts.”

  “You took all of the debts?” He was stunned. She was so not like the women he knew.

  “I felt that he deserved a fresh start. And maybe I was feeling guilty because I shouldn’t have said ‘yes’ in the first place. My mother, of course, thought I was insane.”

  “So, you don’t think you’ll ever get married again because it didn’t work out the first time?”

  “Not because it didn’t work out. It’s because I realized that reasons matter to me; the reasons why people are together matter. I wasn’t with him for the right reason. Most people, it seems, are together for all the wrong reasons.”

  “Okay, I’m curious. What do you consider to be ‘wrong reasons?”

  “Well, men seem to want substitutes for their mother or arm candy, as I call them. The kind of women they can parade around to make other men envious. And women seem to want substitutes for their fathers; someone to take care of them financially and otherwise. Then there are those women who are attracted to the “bad boys” and they want to be the one to reform that sort of guy and to save him from himself. And then some people are together just because of circumstances—the woman gets pregnant, they’re afraid of being lonely, they’re afraid because their biological clock is ticking, they believe that they’re supposed to be married. Wrong reasons.”

  “So what are the right reasons?”

  “Love,” she answered without hesitation. “Real love. The kind that comes from the soul. The kind of love that isn’t dependent on money or sex or looks or changing someone into something you want them to be or satisfying some other self-centered need. When two people really love each other, they’ll support and encourage each other, respect each other, do things for each other, want what’s best for each other, and it’s all done freely, not because they have to or they’re asked to or are expected to. They simply want to because it makes them happy to see the other person happy. They include the other person in every aspect of their lives. They don’t shut them out because they think the other person isn’t smart enough to understand or wouldn’t care or isn’t entitled to know. When I practiced law, people who had been married for thirty or forty years would come in after their spouses died and they wouldn’t know anything. Wives would be shocked to learn that their husbands were having financial problems and husbands would be surprised to find out that their wives had a secret stash of money somewhere. People who are really in love share their thoughts, their feelings, their hopes and dreams, and their problems and fears, even when it’s hard to do sometimes, because they know that sharing a lifetime is more than just sharing a bed. And whatever problems come along, they face those problems together because together they are stronger than apart.” She let out a sigh. “It sounds like such a simple concept when I put it into words like this but hardly anyone really gets it.”

  He listened intently. He had never before heard love described in this way and it struck a chord in him. “Do you think that kind of love really exists?”

  “Yes, I do. It’s just that most people either don’t have a clue about what real love is or they settle for less than what they want because they think that what they want isn’t ever going to come along. So for me, it’s not so much that I don’t want marriage. It’s just that I do know what I want and I don’t want to settle for less ever again.”

  “But how do you find what you really want if you don’t go out on dates and meet people?”

  “I don’t know. I guess I feel that if it’s meant to be, it’ll just happen. It’ll find me.”

  “And if that kind of love never comes along?”

  “Then I’m okay. I’d rather be alone and occasionally lonely than be miserable every day with the wrong person. I don’t ever want to feel like my soul is dying again.”

  He was quiet. Now he was certain that she was someone special, unique. He felt something stir inside of him and it felt good.

  “What about kids though? Don’t you want kids?” he asked.

  There it was—the question that she knew would eventually come up. She decided that she might as well tell him everything. It wasn’t as though they were going to have any kind of a future together.

  “I made up my mind when I was eighteen that I wasn’t having any.”

  He was surprised. “Why’s that?”

  She hesitated for a second. “I have a sister. She’s not a nice person and that’s an understatement. When I was eighteen, I asked my father what happened if a person had a child who grew up to be someone that they didn’t like, maybe hated. Someone who hurt other people. He said ‘Well, if that’s your child, you’d have to stand by her or him and love them no matter what.’ I knew then that I wouldn’t have children. I couldn’t be a parent like that if my child turned out to be a person like my sister. I know that some parents can distance themselves from what their kids do. They can blame the education system or the world or be okay with knowing that they tried their best. Me, I’d feel responsible for the rest of my life. If my child turned out like my sister, I’d feel responsible to every person that she’s ever hurt for the rest of my life. Anyway, the Universe must have agreed with me so it’s not an issue anymore.”

  “The Universe?”

  “I got sick a while back, while I was still practicing law. The doctors didn’t know what caused it so they blamed it on stress. Long story short—I can’t have children now so there’s no possibility of me changing my mind.” She let out a sigh. “Okay, how did you get me talking about all of this? I’ve told you things in the last few minutes that I haven’t told people that I’ve known for years. I’m sorry.”

  “No, don’t apologize. I’m glad that you can talk to me.”

  She smiled. “I’m glad too. So, what about you? When your career is all set, what do you want? Wife, kids, white picket fence?”

  “Interviewers have asked me that and I always say yeah, eventually that’s what I want, but truthfully, I can’t really see myself as a father. My father left when I was about seven so I never had much of a role model in that area anyway.”

  “I’m sorry. That must have been hard, especially for a boy.”

  “It doesn’t bother me anymore. Your father sounds like he was a great guy though.”

  “He was,” she said, and he could hear the sadness in her voice. “Anyway, what are you doing this weekend? You must always have a dozen women begging you for a date.”

  “Women are available,” he admitted. “When I first started in the business, it was kind of exciting I guess, but I think I just got tired. Maybe because most of them want a date with me for what you’d call the wrong reasons.”

  She shouldn’t have been, but she was relieved to learn that he wasn’t dating seriously.

  “Aren’t you even going to celebrate your birthday? It’s coming up isn’t it? And, don’t worry. I’m not mind reading. I saw it mentioned when I was trying to find out who you were.”

  “They might do something small at the studio. Or maybe some of the crew will want to go out for drinks. I don’t know. I don’t really go out of my way to celebrate my birthday.”

  “So what do you end up doing most of the time?”

  “I go to meetings, do promotional appearances, and attend classes. I exercise. When I have a few hours of free time, I try to unwind and get re-energized so that I can make it through the next week.”

  “But they don’t film continuously, do they? When it stops, don’t you get a chance to take a real vacation?”

  “What’s a vacation? When I’m not filming, I’m flying here and there promoting the series or doing photo shoots or product endorsements or meeting with people and looking for more projects to be involved in. When I do get a day off, I usually just spend it taking long drives, mostly down to the beach so that I can think about things.”

  “That’s a rough schedule. Don’t you ever worry about getting burned out?”

  “Sometimes I feel like I’m headed down that road,�
� he admitted. “But you gotta put in that kind of time in this business because there are so many people out there trying to take your place.”

  “Well, I’ll tell you what. If you ever really do want to get away from that life for a little while, come to Hawaii. I’ll be happy to show you around. And if you want to avoid the ridiculous hotel costs, I can put you up here if you want. I have more than enough room.”

  Her generous offer surprised him. “You’d do that?”

  “Sure. Don’t get the wrong idea now. I don’t make that offer to just anyone, but I’ve put up friends before. You just have to get along with Angel because she actually runs the place.”

  “As long as she isn’t wearing a dress and carrying a purse, we’ll get along.”

  She laughed. “No dress or purse. I promise.”

  “You know, I might just take you up on that offer,” he said and surprised himself. Him? On a vacation? In Hawaii?

  “Good. I hope that you do find the time one day.” She doubted, though, that he ever would. She had simply felt compelled to make that offer to him so that he would know that there was a place to go to if that life became too hard for him to handle. She could tell from the sound of his voice and some of the things he had said that, as driven as he seemed to be to succeed, his lifestyle was already wearing him down emotionally.

  They talked a while longer about a lot of different things before saying good night. She would have talked to him the rest of the night if it had been possible. He was curious, intelligent, and non-judgmental of her less than traditional views of life. He was so easy to talk to that she sometimes forgot about his star status. Unfortunately, he had to be on the set early the next morning and she had an early conference call to prepare for. When she hung up the phone, she smiled and picked up her Angel and hugged her tightly.

  “He’s just like I knew he would be,” she said to the little dog. “And we’re friends now. Even if I can’t be with him, at least we’re friends.”

  He hung up the phone reluctantly again. They had talked for over an hour and still he had wanted to keep her on the line. He found everything that she said interesting. Her voice relaxed him; her unconventional views intrigued him; her understanding of him and her approval of him made him feel good inside. This is crazy, he thought. But even as he thought it, he knew that he was heading for Hawaii the first chance that he had.