Judas

by Lacey-Payne, Chandler

  They toasted their new life over milk and she laughed when he broke his cookie, trying to dip it in the thin flute. “Are you happy, baby?”

  “Fuck yes I am!” he exclaimed.

  “Are you sure you're ready?” she asked, sobering some.

  He hugged her tight and kissed her softly before assuring her, “I'm sure.”

  They both slept peacefully that night, tangled and spent in each other’s arms.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  She flipped through the hangers of blouses, all of them the same flowing style but each one a different pastel hue. She never was much for bright colors and the pastels were perfect for spring, which would be about the time she would need them. It was a bit too early to be looking for maternity clothes but she needed some time alone, to think. She was thrilled with his acceptance of her pregnancy, and though he had said he wasn't ready to start a family, he seemed honestly excited that they were expecting. This was a happy time for them but there still things about him that she just didn't understand.

  He told her he was a sadist and told her what it meant but so many questions rolled around in her head. What did that really mean? Is it curable? Did he even want to be cured? She had no idea what it was that she had accepted about him. Maybe she was blinded by love. Maybe he wasn't a good person. She groaned at the thought. Of course he was. She was being silly. It had to be all the new hormone changes she was going through. She didn't get much morning sickness but the hormones might do her in at this rate.

  She selected two of the tops and wandered to the next rack, carefully avoiding eye contact with the sales lady that hovered nearby. Maybe she just needed to understand. He wasn't the greatest at opening up and though he did try at times, it always ended in him shutting down. She had to figure this out. Figure him out. “Can I help you?” the sales associate finally got around to asking.

  “Actually, I think I'm finished. I'll just take these two tops,” Adessa answered politely. She suddenly had a plan and she needed to get out of this store.

  “Are you sure you don't want the matching bottoms? They're on sale,” the friendly voice chirped.

  “Sure! Show me what you have,” she quipped before realizing what she had done. Really, Adessa, a sale? She followed the woman to the selection of leggins and quickly grabbed two neutral tones to match her pastel shirts. “These will do,” she said, hurrying to the counter to pay. She threw the boxes in the trunk of the trusty Prius and sped off toward home. Google. She would google it.

  He wasn't due home for another few hours so she sneaked into his rarely used office and started up the computer. She had no idea where to begin, so she went to google and typed in “how to understand a sadist” and hit return. The first result brought up Wikipedia's definition of a sadist. She read the whole page, pouring over each line, trying to make some connection between the word and the man she knew. This couldn't be him. He had never degraded or humiliated anyone, and though he claimed to enjoy giving pain, this spoke nothing of pain in a sexual context. It was all about mental illnesses and she refused to believe any of that pertained to him. She cleared the search bar and started again. “Sexual Sadism” Bingo.

  She went to several different websites and each had been somewhat confusing for her. She was beginning to understand what a sadist was. Finally. But was this her husband? The tender, loving man she knew? She absolutely couldn't imagine him being a part of the things being described. Asphyxiation, bondage, torture... Jesus. She sat there thinking, unsure of what it was she even needed to know. The only treatment was therapy, but she saw nothing even saying that it could even be cured. She wondered if he had considered it before. But then again, he didn't give her the impression that he even wanted help. Maybe he enjoyed what he was. She shuttered at the thought.

  Then another word caught her eye. Masochist. The opposite of a sadist. Kinda. Someone who enjoyed the acts of the sadist. She chewed on the thought for a moment. This sounded like her. She did enjoy the physical pain he had delivered and she knew she wanted it again, but she did have to admit the more extreme things didn't sound very appealing. Or did they? How would she know if she never tried them out. The only thing she knew for sure was that she was not interested in the part of being verbally or mentally abused. She had enough of that from her first husband. This one was... different.

  Now, she was absolutely curious. If he was a sadist, and she was a masochist... or could be one, then what was the problem? She trusted him to experiment with her and the new knowledge only fueled the desire to do so. Then she clicked on the images. Her eyes narrowed as she studied the images that went along with the word.

  Some of them had frightened her but some had piqued her interest. She closed her eyes and imagined him doing some of the things depicted in the images. The heat began to rise between her thighs and she began to squirm in his chair. She knew she wanted it. Whatever it was that he had to give, and she would get it one way or another.

  “That's the happiest news ya ever brought! I'm thrilled for ya,” Ms. Verino exclaimed, releasing a full belly laugh as she hugged her younger friend tight.

  Adessa laughed, trying to release herself from the hearty hold the woman had on her. “Thank you, Ms. V. We're both very happy.”

  Ms. Verino's eyes grew serious after that. “Even him?” she asked, nearly scowling.

  Adessa nodded, “Yes, even him. He has even started thinking of names already.” She gave a warm smile as she patted the older woman's shoulder.

  After a weighty pause, Ms. Verino tilted her head, “Well that's even better news. But do ya think it'll settle him down any?”

  Adessa shrugged. She hadn't really thought about that. She had been in such high spirits, and he had been so attentive, that Jaime had become the last thing on her mind. “I don't know. He swore he wouldn't change, but I suppose time will tell.”

  Ms. Verino raised a stern brow. “He still carryin on with his mistress.” It was a statement and Adessa needed to tell her.

  She lowered her gaze as she sank against the soft cushion of Ms. Verino's floral chaise. “She's a prostitute.”

  The old woman's eyes flashed with sudden contempt, “Well if that don't put a whole new spin of stupid on him. A prostitute!” She was clearly upset, as Adessa knew she would be. Ms. Verino had made known her feelings for women who sell themselves long ago and even the men that hire them don't escape her wrath. “It's fine. I feel better knowing he's only going to her for sex, than worrying he will up and leave me to be with her,” Adessa reasoned.

  Ms. Verino shuttered, “How ya know he aint got some disease? Child, just the thought makes my skin crawl.”

  That was a good question but there was only one answer that fit. Trust. “I have forced myself to not think about it, I suppose. I just trust him. I have no reason not to.”

  She watched her old friend wring her hands, shaking her head. “Don't know what ta say ta that then. I'm no judge and yer the one that has to live with him. But you know I don't approve and the more ya tell me, the more I question my own judgement when I encouraged this whole mess.”

  Adessa knew she would be upset, but she was right. It was no one's place to judge. Their life worked for them for the most part and it was no one's business. Maybe she should stop sharing those details with Ms. Verino. But then again, who else would she talk to? Certainly, not Judas.

  “Don't worry, Ms. V. I'm learning how to handle myself. Besides, I have you and your skillet if things get out of hand,” she grinned. She was trying to make light of it, but she knew deep down that it really wasn't a laughing matter. Her husband clearly had issues.

  “And I'd bust him upside his thick head with it if he ever thinks ta hurt ya. Bet on that,” Ms. Verino growled. “Ya think he has kinks now, just wait til he has to figure out how to screw with a skillet hangin out his arse!” she roared.

  Adessa finally brought the conversation back to the baby and Ms. Verino began to soften again. She had no children of her own but she had cared for m
any over the course of her nearly eighty years. She knew all about caring for babies and Adessa needed her help. “Do you think you would come and stay with us once the baby comes?”

  The reply was swift. “Ya wantin me to leave my own home, and come ta live with a pig?” she bit out, before continuing, “I suppose I'd do it fer you but he best just stay outta my way.”

  “Do you really dislike him so much? He's a good man, I promise and you'll see once you see how well he cares for me. For us,” she added, patting her belly.

  “Aint no shame in havin kinks, but there is shame in shamin yer wife. You deserve better, Adessa. He don't straighten up before that babe is born, you're better off givin it up, than doin it alone.”

  Adessa nodded, but she knew the woman was over-reacting. And giving up the baby was absolutely not an option. She would stick it out, and things would be just fine. She would just stop talking to her about their marriage. This was about the baby now, and Ms. Verino was qualified to help her.

  Adessa had a lot on her mind and with the severe reaction she had gotten from explaining about Jaime, she knew this wasn't the time to touch onto the other matters. The ones who were important to her. She was still determined to show him that she could handle whatever he was, and she was willing to take her time to get there. They had known each other only six months, but she had learned so much by now that it almost felt like a lifetime. She barely recognized the shy, simpering girl she had been before and when she looked into the mirror, she saw the face of a woman. One who knew what she wanted and needed and wasn't afraid to go after it. He had changed her for the better.

  Adessa tied the strings on the thin gown and checked her appearance in the long mirror of the small dressing room. She wasn't showing anything yet but at ten weeks, she had only gained one pound. She heard that it was possible to actually lose a few, during the course of morning sickness but she hadn't much of that and she was thankful. She placed her clothing in a metal locker and opened the door to the adjoining room.

  “All set?” the nurse asked as she stood there writing on a clipboard.

  Adessa nodded, “As ready as I'll ever be.” She settled onto the bed and covered her lower half with the paper sheet that had been provided. “You ready, love?” she smiled over at Judas, who was already reaching for her hand.

  “I've been ready,” he grinned up at her.

  The nurse asked a few more questions and then left them to wait in private. She could tell Judas was nervous by the way his eyes roamed over every inch of the little room.

  “Good morning! I'm Felicia. I'm the technician doing the ultrasound today,” the woman said, entering the room. She extended her hand to them both, giving a hearty shake before turning to press buttons on the screen beside Adessa.

  “So this is your first baby?” the technician asked, still setting up her workspace.

  “It is,” Adessa told her, adding, “Oh gosh, I'm so excited!”

  “That's normal. Mommy's are excited and Daddy's are nervous with their first,” she explained lightheartedly, as she pulled Adessa's gown up to expose her still flat tummy.

  Adessa laughed. “That's definitely true! He watches me like a hawk!”

  Felicia grabbed the bottle of blue gel from the warmer and squeezed a huge dollop onto Adessa's tummy and pressed the wand to it. “Awe, come on, Daddy. She's not that fragile, you know.”

  Judas rolled his eyes. “Hey, give me a break here. I...,” his words were cut off when he heard the sound of a fast and strong heartbeat come through the speaker. His eyes darted to the screen.

  Adessa's eyes were glued to the tiny gummy bear shaped mass on the monitor, speechless as she listened to their baby's heart. Felicia labeled the formations on the monitor, placing small arrows by the developing head, spine, and miniature feet. The room was silent for several minutes while both Adessa and Judas held hands, listening to the faint murmur, and staring at their baby. “And that... is the sound of your little one,” Felicia said, switching off the sound. “I think I got all the pictures I need. It looks like everything is going perfectly, for an eight week pregnancy. Congratulations!” They both breathed a sigh of relief.

  “I have a question. When will we be able to tell the sex of the baby?” Adessa asked.

  “You could technically know as early as week twelve but it really depends on when your doctor orders another ultrasound and of course, the position of the baby when we take a peek. The longer you wait, the better. Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?”

  “I don't think either of us care, but I would really like to have one of each,” she answered honestly.

  Judas grinned, stroking her hair. “Let's just get through this one before we plan for more.” They all laughed and when the technician left, Adessa climbed down from the bed to go retrieve her clothes.

  They left the clinic separately. He was headed back to the office and she was on her way to run some errands. She was so happy and full of love at that moment, she couldn't wait to find out the sex. It was killing her to not be able to shop. She drove through town, lost in her own little world, thinking of the baby and who he or she might look like. The thought of having a son with his Daddy's coal black hair and emerald eyes or even a daughter with his smile and the single dimple that appeared whenever he flashed that adorable grin.

  Either way, this baby would be loved, and cherished by both of them. He would be an amazing father.

  CHAPTER FOuRTEEN

  He arrived back at the office just before noon and immediately started his day. It had been a stressful two weeks but he had managed to hold it all together. His life had changed, making both his days and his nights more meaningful. He had a clear purpose and he was determined to keep his focus. He stopped arranging for women to come to him at work, instead, inviting Adessa, so he could keep a closer eye on her. She distracted him more than anything but he wasn't sorry she was there. Besides, it wasn't often that she popped in but when she did, he could hear laughter and life beyond the still walls of his office. She and Carrie had hit it off immediately and he was glad that Adessa finally found another woman she enjoyed talking with.

  The absence of the extra women in his life had been an adjustment. The temptation was always there, and when he was stressed, he needed them most. They never complained, no matter how he treated them and as long as they left with a fist full of cash, they were eager to return. Before he married, it didn't make any difference.

  There was no one to answer to and the lifestyle suited him. Every time he had tried to date, things went too fast and he was forced to slam on the brakes. It seemed the only women he could attract were either digging for gold or just wanted the social status that came with being his girl. Users. All of them. Until Adessa.

  The office was too quiet, allowing him more time than usual to just sit and consider the situation. He knew that eventually, the absence of those small releases would begin to wear on him, and now more than ever, he knew he had to keep his hands off his wife. He wanted so much to experiment with her and show her new ways to find pleasure but there was always a risk of him going too far. Their previous endeavors had come to a grinding halt. A single unintentional act could trigger him and he refused to take that chance. He needed to get help.

  He picked up the phone and dialed her number. “Jaime, I need to see you.”

  Her voice was light and playful as she answered. “Well hello to you too.”

  “It's not the usual. Just a talk,” he told her. The lump was already rising in his throat.

  Her voice became suddenly serious. “Okay.”

  “I'll be there first thing in the morning. Please be clothed,” he instructed.

  He knew she was confused but he didn't explain. Just as he replaced the phone on the charger, he heard his wife's voice from down the hall.

  “Hi, baby!” she said, peeking in on him.

  He waved her in and settled against his chair. “Miss me already, doll?” he grinned.

  “Actually, yes. But that's
not why I'm here.” She gave him a mischievous wink and entered the room. She had changed into a short flesh tone wrap dress and matching heels. The cut of the material created a seductive view of her cleavage. His jaw clenched on sight.

  She flipped the lock on the door and sauntered over to him without another word. Oh shit. His eyes grew dark with desire as he watched her lift her matching high heel from the floor and place it on the edge of the chair between his legs, giving him a firm nudge. Her intentions were clear and whatever had been on his mind before, was completely lost.

  He reached out his hand and began to stroke the lovely leg, keeping his gaze locked securely against her own. “Christ, doll,” he said as the palm of his hand reached her inner thigh. She yanked her leg back, breaking the tender touch as she wagged her finger at him. “Uh, uh. Not yet,” she cooed, before dropping to her knees in front of him. His breath caught in his throat, strangling the words from coming out. Urgent fingers twisted through her silken tendrils as she began to work the zipper on his jeans.

  A loud groan escaped as her lips surrounded him, taking him fully into her mouth. She played long and firm strokes against his length, while she pressed his balls into her palm, kneading and caressing. She brought him to climax within minutes and instead of allowing him to recover she pushed the piles of paperwork and books from his desk and hopped up on the cool surface.

  She raised a brow in an unspoken dare as she hooked the heel of her shoes against the edge, spreading her legs wide to reveal the absence of panties. He reached out and stroked her glistening sex, gently probing as he watched her shutter with desire.

  He covered her with his mouth and began to deliver meticulous strokes against her feminine folds. His tongue raked the entire length of her, over and over as her white knuckles gripped the desk with all her might. She was panting now, as she watched him. He felt her fingers begin to work through his hair, clutching him to her as she moved her legs to his shoulders, wrapping him within her. He used his fingers to spread her lips wide, creating a sensual tiara that framed her opening.