Judas

by Lacey-Payne, Chandler

  She looked hopeful as she asked, “You won't see her anymore, then?”

  He shook his head, “No. I am leaving for Florida on Monday. I was going to tell her this weekend.”

  “Why Florida?”

  He thought about the answer for a moment before he spoke, “I need the break. A new beginning I suppose. But now, I guess...” There was a question in his voice as he trailed off and she immediately picked up on it.

  “Judas, I'll follow you anywhere. If Florida is what you need, then I'll go.”

  He had to tell her now. “I'm going to get some help.”

  “That's why you're going?” Her voice was soft but she was questioning.

  He nodded, “I want to be close to my father, and I want to heal and to work through this but I have to do it on my terms.”

  She smiled warmly at him, continuing her gentle questioning. “What are your terms?”

  He was being honest with her. About everything. There was no reason for any secrets now. She was his wife. “Inpatient. However long it takes.”

  She raised a brow, as her face became lined with worry. “Why inpatient?”

  He squeezed her hand as he told her, “Because it's going to be painful and difficult and I think it's best if I'm not near any women while I go through it. It's something I've never tried before.”

  She sighed, clearly unhappy with his plan. “You know I'll help you in any way I can.”

  He wasn't going to back down. She didn't have to like it. This was for him as much as for her and he had already made up his mind. “Then help me by allowing me to do this alone. I want to be whole and I want to be worthy of your love. We are still a family and I still want that for us.”

  “That last part is all that matters,” she said, forcing a smile as she wrapped her arms around his neck, hugging him tight.

  He kissed her softly on the lips, “I'm not going to let you down this time.”

  “I believe you,” she murmured, closing her eyes.

  He had only one request. “Before we go, I would like for the two of us to visit Zachary's grave. To tell him we will see him later.”

  She nodded, holding him a little tighter. “I'd like that.”

  He called his dad to let him know that he would be coming. Phillip had listened while Judas explained everything to him, from hurting Adessa to the loss of their child. He even told him that he thought he was in love with Jaime. It had come as a shock, because Judas only admitted to loving one woman in his whole life, and that had been Leanna. He never got over losing her and Phillip believed he never would.

  “Son, you know I'd give you the moon if I could reach the damn thing,” Phillip said gently. Judas smirked at the poetic words. “That's noble of you Dad, but we both know I don't deserve it.”

  His father gave a hearty chuckle, “No, but it might impress the ladies.”

  “I don't want to impress any ladies. I'm ready to get help, Dad. I need it.” He knew the statement caught the old man off guard. Phillip had waited nearly twenty years to hear those words.

  “Well it's about damn time!” he sputtered, in shock. “Tell me what you need. Anything, Judas.”

  “I need a name or some idea of where to go. It's been too many years since I've been back,” he said. “Discreet. Inpatient facility. Somewhere that won't allow me to tuck and run when the shit hits the fan,” he told him.

  Phillip thought for a long moment before clearing his throat, “You can start with Sunnington. It's a nice place for men with sexual addictions. Never been.”

  Judas raised a brow, “You think I'm addicted to sex? Look, enjoying it and being addicted are two different beasts.”

  “I know that, but you might be surprised with the things they can do there. Experts on all that sex stuff. Again, never been.”

  Judas wasn't even convinced his problem was about sex, but he was willing to give it a try. It surely hadn't began with sex, but what did he know? He had to start somewhere and if this didn't work, he would just find a different place and keep going until he found whatever the cause. He had already come to terms with another label that would surely come.

  He no longer cared if he was a statistic, and if they wanted to slap a label on him, he was fine with that, as long as they could fix it. As long as he never hurt another woman again. “Alright, I'll check them out. You going to let them know I'm coming?”

  “Of course! Just be prepared to pay a fortune,” Phillip warned.

  Judas smirked. “That's a given. I wouldn't dream of claiming this one on the insurance.”

  “Good boy!” his father cheered.

  Judas was nervous and anxious all at once. He had known his father would come through. He always did. “So you know someone at this facility?”

  Phillip cleared his throat, “Dr. Wyndham. She's as good as they come. And son, try not to fuck her. I'm pulling strings here.”

  “That will depend on how well she does her job. No promises.” His reply was arrogant, but they both knew that Judas was serious about his recovery. He wouldn't screw this up. He couldn't.

  He hung up the phone and was startled by Adessa's presence in the room. He hadn't heard her come in and had no idea how long she had been standing there. He sighed. It didn't matter. There would be no secrets between them, but he had spared no details on anything, so if she caught it all, then she knew without a doubt what his thoughts were on the situation. It was ugly, but he had made it so, and now he would fix it. Every wrong would be made right.

  “How is Dad, anyway?” she asked softly.

  Judas gave a weak smile as he reached for her. “He's good. Same as ever.”

  “I'm looking forward to the trip. I think it will be good for me as well,” she said leaning against him for support. They were both feeling melancholy and he blamed it on their nerves. They had been through so much. He couldn't wait to get to Florida and begin this new life. He kissed her forehead and rested his cheek against hers as they stood there. “We will be just fine, doll.”

  “I've missed that,” she whispered against his ear.

  “I've missed you,” he responded. And he had. He was still missing her, truthfully.

  “If my part in this brought you to this moment, then I'm not sorry, and everything I experienced was worth it,” she said, clinging to him.

  He nodded, “Thank you.” He had no other words. He was so thankful to have her back, and he knew that eventually, he would be able to love again. To love her.

  She felt like her heart was being ripped from her chest. The check had been written and was lying on the table in front of her. Mocking. Their relationship had been reduced to a monetary transaction. But then again, that's what it had always been about. At least for him. He had come to tell her goodbye and to collect the rest of his belongings that were left there. He was somber, and unemotional as he tied his clothes into black bags and carried them to his truck. She watched in desperation, barely containing the tears. He was really leaving.

  Adessa hadn't told him her secret, and for that she was thankful. If this was what he needed, then she wouldn't stop him. She wanted him to be happy and to find whatever it was that he was searching for. Her hand instinctively cradled her womb, and she was conflicted. She wanted her child to know his or her father, but she wasn't foolish enough to think that he would openly claim their baby. She was nothing to him despite the fact that she knew he loved her.

  “Judas,” she said, reaching out to grasp his arm as he strode past with the last bag in his hand.

  He stopped and turned, “Yes?”

  “Will you stay with me? Just for today?” She was pleading, clinging to every second of their remaining time.

  He sighed heavily, “It's not a good idea. I need to be there when Adessa returns.” He was distancing himself already and her heart was breaking.

  “An hour then. Ten minutes.” She was negotiating.

  She released his arm to wipe the tears that had begun to fall. She hated crying. She was not someone who was pron
e to tears but she was devastated and he was all she had ever known. She couldn't possibly go on without him.

  “Alright,” he said, dropping his bag. “I'll give you a few minutes. Is there something you need to say?”

  His voice was soft but his jaw was set, he was still focused and determined to leave.

  She nodded, “Just one thing.” With that, she reached down and picked up his check and tore it in half. “You can keep this,” she sobbed.

  He closed his eyes, shaking his head. “Stubborn girl,” he groaned. “Jai, please. Don't do this. I can't stay. You can't go. I want you to be taken care of.”

  She shook her head. “No. I'll do it alone. You have more than provided for me,” she said, waving her hands in the air. “All of this. You have given me all of this. I don't need anything more.”

  “You will. You have a whole life ahead of you. Trust me, you will need it at some point, and I want you to have it.” He was insisting now, reaching into his bag to pull out his checkbook.

  She jerked it out of his hand and began to shred each blank check it contained. “I will not take your money!” she shrieked, ripping the papers and tossing them into the air. “Get it through your head, J. I was never for sale! I gave you everything because I wanted to. I wanted you. I love you!” she continued to wail.

  He stood there with his mouth gaping as he watched her frantic display. “Jai, stop!” he finally roared, reaching out to grasp her arm. He jerked her to him in one rough motion and covered her mouth with his own.

  She instantly deepened the kiss with a passionate fury as her arms wrapped around him, clinging to him for dear life as she savored her very last taste of him. He finally broke the dramatic kiss, breathlessly staring at her as if in shock from the emotional outpouring. “Baby, you know I love you too,” he brokenly replied.

  She held her breath. He said it. He admitted it. And he called her baby. He hadn't done that since that night. It made her pain all the more intense and she could do nothing but sob in his arms as he held her.

  “Why did you go back to her?” She had to ask. It had come as a shock and she was worried for him. Adessa was bad news, and it seemed that Jaime was the only one who could feel it. There was something about her that made Jaime feel that she was ruthless, and cunning, despite her innocent pretense. Jaime didn't trust her, and certainly not with his secrets. Something had caused her to come back, and Jaime was certain it had to do with his money.

  He stroked her long blonde tendrils, “Because she's my wife. I owe it to her to not give up.”

  She took a deep breath, nodding. She understood his need to fix his past but she wished desperately that he understood that he can't change it. The woman had pushed him, and because of it, both of them had paid the price. She suddenly wondered how many scars were born of Adessa's careless prodding. Both on, and within both of them. Just another reason for Jaime to hate her. She had dreamed of a man like him when she was a girl. Not broken, but loving and protective. One who wouldn't give up, no matter how bad things were. Adessa was lucky and Jaime hoped like hell the bitch knew it.

  An hour had come and gone before they knew it and he had moved to sit in the leather armchair that had been his since the very first night. It's where he would sit and brood in silence, and where he would smoke cigarette after cigarette as he battled the darkness inside of him. More than once, he had demanded pleasure from that very seat, and she always obliged.

  She was going to miss her dark prince, but the man that he had shown her was worth more than she had ever dreamed. Her face lit up at the thought of how much pleasure she had known at his capable hands, and a deep tremor formed between her legs. She wanted. Needed him. Just one last time.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  He leaned back in the chair, slouching low as he quietly smoked. He should have left by now but he couldn't bring himself to go. The finality of the act was wearing on him and his insides were torn between wanting to run far away and boarding up the door so no one would ever separate them. He did love her. There was no question now. It wasn't his imagination that he could actually feel her and sense her thoughts. He was as conflicted with this as he knew she was but there was nothing that could stop what needed to happen, just as nothing could have prevented their past.

  He watched her walk slowly toward him, narrowing his eyes as she began to peel the thin sundress over her head and drop it to the floor, revealing her fully nude figure. His voice cracked, “Jai?” But he knew what she was doing. Exactly what she had been instructed to and she was executing it perfectly for the last time. She lowered herself to the floor in front of him and placed her hands behind her back, not meeting his gaze. His eyes roamed over each inch of her body, memorizing everything he would miss.

  He noticed for the first time how fully developed her shape had become. She was barely more than a child when he found her, but over the years, she had blossomed into a woman. One who had more power over him in one pinky than he himself had in his entire being. Over the last few weeks, he had learned to listen to her subtle commands and he taught her what it meant to be pleasured instead of used. His own body had made her into the seductive creature that sat before him. A creature he couldn't deny. She was waiting for his response. He swallowed hard, remembering his words to Adessa, but he couldn't deny what he knew they both needed.

  He gave a small nod and she began to crawl to him, slowly bringing herself to settle between his legs. He opened his palms and placed them against his legs, signaling his release of control as he sat watching, in complete awe of her. He had never given control to any woman but he was curious and God she was hot, with that delicious pout and her downcast gaze. She collected his hands in her own and brought them to her breasts, pressing them against his palms as if to transfer every ounce of her soul through their hardened tips.

  She formed his motions, kneading her breasts as they spilled from their joined hands, staring up at him with a dynamic mix of both love and desire in her blue eyes. An escaped tendril fell against her features, lending to the vivid imagery as she threw her head back in delight. He remained still and focused, feeding on the potency of her lust. He began to tremble as he forced himself to remain still in the chair, refusing himself a single movement that her soul had not commanded. It was new and intoxicating and it took his breath away to feel so connected and so whole.

  Her hands fell from his, leaving them against her breasts as they moved to slide beneath his shirt, dragging the thin polo from his form. He raised his arms in surrender, allowing her to remove the garment. She immediately began her expert work to release him from his jeans, freeing him from their strict confines. He rose just enough to allow her to drag the denim over his hips and push them to the floor, leaving him exposed and ready for whatever she would do. He carefully calculated his breaths, still struggling with the absence of control.

  She mounted him with the smoothness of raw silk as it rolls and gathers against the bolt, uniting them into one being, as she rocked her hips against him, encasing and releasing him with strength of her walls. He rose to meet each motion, giving everything her body demanded of him. She locked their fingers together, raising their arms into the air in a feeble plea for deliverance as she gracefully moved against him. His release came unexpected, with unyielding force. His cries fell against her breast as he pressed his forehead to her chest in breathless opulence.

  Her own release followed, draining him of every drop of his essence as her walls tightened and released without restraint. Her movements slowed, allowing him to wrap her into his arms against him in a heady haze of bliss as they recovered their breaths. It was heaven, and she was the angel who brought him there. He would forever cherish the memory. It took several minutes for him to regain his focus and he knew he had to go. This time, it would be forever. He was gutted.

  “So this is it for us?” Her voice was small but it was bordering on panic and he knew it. She was watching him dress, not making a move to cover herself as she sat perched on t
he edge of his chair.

  He gave her a slow nod, answering with all the affection he had within him. “You have given me the most precious gifts that money can't buy. Acceptance, Loyalty, and Love. I will remember you, and I will love you until the day I die. Nothing will change that.”

  She burst into tears. His speech was endearing and she knew that he meant it. Judas was not the type who passed out pretty words and the fact that they came so passionately from his lips and were directed at her only made her misery a thousand times more intense. She nodded, unable to even speak as she stood to hug him one last time. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her softly on the forehead before releasing her and without another word, he picked up his bag and strode out the door.

  They flew into JAX with only the minimum luggage. The rest of their belongings would be shipped within the week. He had given her the task of finding them a home while he was away, and he trusted her with the decision. He knew she wouldn't make it if she had to stay with his parents indefinitely, and honestly, he would live in a box if she bought them one. He was not a materialistic man, despite his upbringing and the amount of money that he had. He was simple, and their life reflected it.

  Phillip met them at the airport and the ride back to his parent's house was lively and full of laughter. Adessa was impressed with nearly everything. This was her first trip to Florida and she was soaking it all in. Her first glimpse at a palm tree had given them all a chuckle. “Is that thing fake?” she exclaimed as she saw the tropical shrub.

  “Is what real?” Phillip asked her, looking around.

  She blushed, pointing to the tree, “That! I've never saw a real one!”

  The wonder in her eyes warmed him and though it made them all laugh, he caught the first glimpse of his former wife.

  As they pulled into the circle drive, he felt his wife stiffen, bracing herself for the barbs that would surely come when they went inside. He took her hand, giving her a reassuring squeeze as the car came to a stop outside the entrance to the stately mansion. Her eyes were wide as she took in the scene. “Welcome, to your husband's childhood home,” Phillip told Adessa as he smiled proudly.