My Star

by Christine Gasbjerg

  My heart skips a beat, and I wonder if this is it for me.

  It looks at me with big mesmerizing eyes. The eyes are bright blue and have an aquatic and glassy depth to them. The ETB moves slowly and looks weary.

  “Yes.”

  Not many can hear me. Not many want to.

  “I’m from Earth. I’ve just arrived on Apollo 56.” I’m surprised at how urgent it feels for me to introduce myself.

  Try to speak to me internally... like I am to you, so others can’t hear.

  I wonder for a moment if this is the same light-voice I spoke to before.

  “Are you telepathic?”

  No. Try.

  I give it a shot, and imagine my words coming out of my mouth, but don’t actually give it sound or form it with my lips—like I did when I spoke to the light. I believe I’m on a mission to find traces of energy resources and aliens in space. And I suppose you fall into that category. I wait to see if my words are received.

  Not necessary to look more. Just share what you already have.

  It works. The ETB can hear me speaking to it in my mind.

  The light said something similar, but I don’t know of any hidden intel. I don’t know if it’s smart of me to be open and honest with this creature, but somehow the conversation feels intimate and safe.

  You’ve spoken to others? The ETB looks at me very attentively.

  I’ve spoken to a light two times. I’m not sure whether it was the same light. I catch myself shaking my head to emphasize the point. I better not give any physical indications that this conversation is taking place, so I’ll refrain from further gesticulation.

  The lights work as one, although they’re all individual, like me—only younger. I’m several generations older than them, and left our world long before the Great Exploration started. My age is partly why my body is now coming to an end, and the treatment here has sped up the conclusion. The ETB tries to stretch it’s arms out, but stops with an instant expression of pain running across it’s face.

  Is there anything I can do to help? I feel instant compassion for the ETB

  Are you different from the other humans on this station?

  Well, I’m not in the know about what’s going on, and I’ve got no authority at all. I’m just writing the log on a visiting spaceship, and this is my first time in space. I believe the captain thought I would die or be seriously harmed here with you… Are you going to harm me? I avoid saying ‘kill’ although that’s the word that’s really on my mind.

  The ETB sits up and frees itself entirely from the wire web. Even though it’s only sitting, it’s already several heads taller than me. It moves with difficulty, and looks stiff from being tied up.

  Is that oxygen? The ETB looks at my oxygen mask.

  Yes. My heart beats faster.

  The ETB reaches out for my oxygen tank, and I let it go. The ETB takes a couple of deep breaths of oxygen, and then returns it to me. It closes its eyes for a little while, and the color of the skin gradually becomes more vivid. I realize that the body isn’t naked, but covered by some kind of thin suit.

  It looks straight at me with its aquatic blue eyes beaming with intelligence. I only fought back when they wanted to cage me in and conduct tests on me. Even then I didn’t fight fiercely. I could have killed them all. But that’s not why I’ve come. In a sense, I’m a diplomat. I’ve come here in peace, to share knowledge about my world, my people, and our technology. But the people here aren’t open. The valuable knowledge we have passed on isn’t being used or shared, as we intended. I suppose the leaders of this world wish to keep the balance of power and knowledge the way it is. Keep the suppressed in suppression. Keep the poor in poverty. Keep the unenlightened in darkness. Keep the powerful in power.

  I guess you’re right. I’m thinking of Captain Alvah and his megalomaniac and homicidal tendencies. I wonder if he understands the game he’s supporting.

  Can I trust you?

  …I don’t know. I would like to think so... trust me with what?

  The ETB gets on its feet. It’s at least twice as tall as I am. I feel tiny. Even when it’s moving stiffly around, it’s impressive and appears omnipotent. I’m nothing but a squishable piss-ant in comparison with this proud and intelligent creature. It looks like it could tear the glass cage apart like a cardboard box.

  Do you trust me? The voice sounds deeper and the ETB looks down at me.

  Do I trust you? I think it’s a little early to say, but I sure trust you more than I trust Captain Alvah out there. He’d enjoy seeing me dead.

  I suppose that’s good enough. I feel your vibration too—it’s generally positive. Will you take my light to my ship?

  I’m happy to help you, but I’m not sure they’ll let me go anywhere near your ship. I conclude that the vessel I encountered before is the ship in question—so indeed it was an ET Vessel.

  Tell them I’ve told you how they can fly the ship, and that you’ll show them.

  Yeah, that might do it. So what’s the ‘light’ you need me to take?

  The light is my essence. As light, I can travel as fast as light, like the others do. But I don’t think my body will survive without the proper hibernation maintenance and careful supervision, so once it’s done, I’ll not be able to return to my body again, and never again be bound in this body. I’ll only exist as pure presence in the form of light.

  I feel my mind dropping its jar in astonishment. This is hyper sci-fi technology like in a fantasy! Only it’s real. These ET Beings have found a way for their soul to stay alive even after death. The eternal and never dying soul.

  Tell me what to do.

  It’s simple... The ETB instructs me step by step what it wants me to do to. Then it kneels down in front of me, so I’m looking straight into these beautiful aquatic and intelligent eyes full of kindness. Then shuts the eyes and open the mouth just enough for me to see a glimpse of a small ball of intense light hovering inside its mouth. Much to my surprise, it gently but firmly wraps its arms around me, and kisses me soft and long.

  It’s safe for me to say that it’s the most spiritual kiss I’ve ever had. It’s like nothing else exists other than awareness and lips in this moment. It feels like pure presence, an absolute state of being one. Then it’s over, and the ETB looks at me one last time, then bends its head and closes its eyes like a monk deep in prayer.

  Go. You have very little time.

  I collect myself, and leave the cage. I wish the captain would let me go to the ship. The scanning lights in the little hallway between the inner and outer door of the cage seems to search me forever. Up and down, up and down. Finally, they turn off, and I exit the outer door.

  “Did it speak to you?” Captain Alvah is next to me like lightening.

  “It told me how to control the ship.”

  “So you know how to get into the ship?” Captain Alvah sounds anticipating.

  “Yes.” I try to hold back, be patient, and let him drag it out of me, so he feels comfortable knowing he’s getting information I’m reluctant to tell him, and doesn’t suspect foul play.

  “Show me!”

  I let him lead the way back to the ET ship with the translucent soft surface. He’s fast paced, but I still have to brace myself with patience not to run. I really want to help the ETB with the beautiful eyes in time before it dies. Finally, we’re there. I step over the fence, and go under the ship.

  “Enter! I’ll follow you in.” The captain sounds eager.

  I go underneath the soft bubble on the belly of the ship, and hold the palm of my hand on the tip of the bubble with my fingers spread out. I forget about my fear of Captain Alvah standing behind me, and focus. I think of all the things I’m grateful for, and let trust penetrate my soul, while I speak the word Starlight in my mind. Suddenly the surface of the bubble goes soft like jelly, and gives way for the gentle pressure of my hand. Then as fast as the blink of an eye, my entire body gets sucked in, and I pop up inside the ship. I wait for a moment, but Capta
in Alvah doesn’t follow me. Surely he couldn’t, even if he knew how – his mind isn’t pure enough. I’m a little frazzled over all this, but there’s no time to waste. I find the control room of the ship, and do as the ETB instructed me to. A transparent liquidly ball appears in the middle of the room. It’s about twice my size, and glitters like sunshine on a watery surface. I stand right in front of it, put my mouth on the surface, and spread my lips. I feel a similar feeling of pure presence, pure being, like when the ETB kissed me. Warm comfort spreads through my mouth and my body, and I see a ball of light exit my mouth, and center in the liquid ball. I stand back, mesmerized by the spectacle. The light ball is expanding and contracting like a beating heart—gradually growing bigger until it fills the entire liquid ball. Then, in a flash the whole thing implodes into a tiny, brightly shining ball, as small as the head of a pin, and disappears with a low plopping sound that reminds me of the sonic boom of an aircraft breaking the sound barrier. The system turns everything off again, and I’m wondering if this was it. Did I make it in time? Did I just launch the essence of the ETB into space for it to return to its own world before its physically tangible body dies?

  I exit at the bottom of the ship the same way as I got in. As I pop out of the bubble of the ship, the captain is over me like a hawk.

  “I can’t get in. Why did you go in without me? How do I get in?” His face is glowing red.

  I quietly enjoy seeing the captain out of control for once.

  “I’m happy to tell you everything I know, but I fear that the ETB is dying. Let me first go and check if it’s already dead.”

  “No, you’re not going anywhere...” He tries to grab my arm, but I break free and make a run for it.

  “I’m not letting you out of my sight.” He’s running right behind me, waddling away in his toxic protective suit. The suits clearly weren’t made for speed.

  I can’t help but being a little amused by the situation.

  I run back to the glass cage and kneel down in front of the ETB It’s sitting immobile in the exact same position as before, on its knees with its head bent down and eyes closed, like a monk deep in prayer. I can’t tell if it’s alive or already dead, so I touch it gently to find out.

  Is it done? The voice in my head is weak.

  I believe it’s done. I’m not entirely sure. The light ball imploded to a small pinhead, and then it disappeared with little plop.

  Then it’s done.

  Okay…

  I’m grateful to you. I will let my body go now.

  You mean you’ll die? Now?

  The ETB sighs, and the skin quickly looses all remaining color. Ever so slightly its body collapses deeper into the prayer position, and I know there’s now no life left in the body in front of me. I feel a lump in my throat, and tears well up in my eyes.

  Loneliness and despair creep up on me.

  NINE

  lightball of life

  I get on my feet, and shake it out of my head and my body. I can’t appear to be siding with the ETB in any way. I’ve got to play the game, and appear like I’m on ‘their’ side, the captain’s side, to stay alive. I can see him standing outside the glass cage along with two armed guards.

  Looking at myself objectively, this is actually crazy – I just kissed an alien! Even an aging alien at that! WTF? …and judging from the size of the guns of the captain’s two goons, I might not live to tell the tale to anyone.

  I take a deep breath, and exit the glass cage. The two guards handcuff me immediately.

  “My patience with you is coming to an end. There’ll be no more delays in you reporting everything that just happened.” Captain Alvah is now in control again, calm and collected.

  I tell him exactly how to enter the ET Vessel, and I tell him most of what the ETB told me about knowledge passed on to humans. I leave out the fact that I carried the essence of the ETB to its ship, and sent it off as light. The captain tries to enter the ship himself, but can’t. I think that his mind isn’t peaceful enough. He’s too much of a bully. It’s actually a clever way to prevent violent-minded creatures from taking over the ETV. and use it to create havoc rather than peace. I demonstrate in details what I do to enter the vessel, and even though the captain doesn’t succeed in entering, he seems satisfied.

  “Who do you think is holding that valuable information back from benefiting all of humanity?” I realize that I’m pushing my luck, and try to haul it back in. “It’s a clever and very effective way to stay in power. Very smart indeed.” I put an approving smile on my face, bite my tongue, and wait for the captain’s response.

  “It’s a lie. There is no valuable information being held back.”

  “How long have they held the ETB and its ETV captive here?”

  “That’s classified information.”

  “Classified? So information is indeed being kept secret?” I can’t help myself.

  “Well…” The captain coughs.

  “An encounter with an Extra-Terrestrial Being is big news. Why hasn’t the public been informed about this? Why is it being kept secret?” I give up trying to control my aversion, and I am fast becoming much too cocky for my own good. “Now that I’ve met and communicated with an ETB, I’m just curious to get the whole picture.” I try to make my questions sound innocent, and I hold my breath for the captain’s response. I must control myself and play this the smart way.

  “It’s classified information, that’s all I can say.”

  “Yes, of course.” I try to let it go.

  Why can’t I just bite my tongue? Here in space, I’m at Captain Alvah’s mercy, and surely powers above his rank too. I’ve got no authority of any kind that matters. It’s imperative that he begins to trust me, or at least doesn’t see me as a threat. Right now, I’m pushing my luck like hell by challenging him, and I must stop! ...or I’ll get deeper in trouble.

  “Let’s get you out of here.” The captain sounds annoyed. “You’re not to speak of this to anyone back on the ship. This is strictly confidential. Do you understand that?”

  “My lips will be hermetically sealed.” I sound cheerful.

  Disappointing. It shows me that I take this far too lightly. At this rate, I’ll be the death of me. Why can’t I take this serious? Well I do take this serious. I take it serious that I’ve just met an alien and witnessed its death. I take it serious that alien encounters are being kept secret from the public. I take it serious that Captain Alvah seems to be part of a conspiracy. I’m absolutely fascinated and intrigued by what I’m learning about aliens. But perhaps I don’t take it serious, that this can all cost me my life. Don’t I feel that my life holds value?

  The captain orders the two armed guards to take me back to the ship, and walks off in the opposite direction. He’s probably going to liaise with the commander of the space station about what to do with me. I consider if there’s anything I can do to escape the two guards. If I could, then what would I do? Hide on the space station? It’s unlikely that I’d manage to stay hidden for long. Try to steal a spaceship, and return to Earth on my own? I don’t even know how to start up the engine of the Apollo. Hijack the Apollo then? I’d not be able to control everyone. Too many are under the captain’s command unquestionably. Besides, I think I’m not enough of a fighter, and too much of a lover to force anyone to do anything they don’t want to. It would have to be a mutiny, a collaboration with the others behind me. And I’m not sure they would be.

  Back at the Apollo the others are looking curiously at me. I guess it’s been noted that I didn’t return with the rest of them, and now they’re wondering what’s been going on. But I can’t tell them. I go straight to my cabin. I feel incapacitated. I feel castrated. I feel like I depend on the bad guys. That’s fucked!

  “Where have you been? What happened?” Kurt whispers, as he quickly enters my cabin, and shuts the door quietly behind him.

  He sees the expression on my face, and wraps his arms around me. He sits there in silence for a while, and just holds m
e. He’s the rock of calmness that I need right now. It takes me a little while to relax. Then he kisses me long and soft, and my body lets go of all tension. I surrender to the safety of his embrace.

  I wish it wouldn’t end, but it does.

  Kurt breaks it off. “Talk to me.”

  I snap out of the dream. “I tell you it’s horrendous. It’s worse than we thought. They’re not only keeping the public suppressed and in the dark, they’re also treating peace-seeking ETB’s like prisoners of war.”

  “How is it possible that a corporation can have this much power? Surely, the government must know what’s going on. Why don’t they stop this?” Kurt pauses.

  “They might be partially in the dark too, not knowing the full extend of what’s going on. Or perhaps the government is in on it, and condones the secrecy to stay in power by preserving the inequality between humans.” My mind is buzzing with theories of conspiracy.

  “And as long as we’re here doing our job under the captain’s tight rule, we’re effectively supporting it too.” Kurt gives a troubled sigh.

  “What can we do? Mutiny?” I’m eager to hear Kurt’s opinion of my idea.

  “As long as the captain is successful in controlling the crew with his ‘divide and conquer’ strategy, we’re never going to win enough of the crew over to our side to be able to take charge of the ship. Someone would report it to the captain before we’ve even lifted a finger. Besides, if we succeeded, then we’d probably be locked up the moment we return to Earth anyway. I think for now it’s safer that we stay put, and submit to the mercy of the captain.” Kurt pauses and looks straight at me. “I can’t stand the thought of something happening to you. Once we’re back on Earth, we can reconvene and do something about it. Get the message out by using the proper channels.” Kurt sounds clear and determined.

  ...You can’t stand the thought of something happening to me...? Suddenly I’ve forgotten everything about danger, conspiracy, and the captain’s iron grip.

  “That’s right, Millie.” Kurt looks at me tenderly.