A Shining Light

by Judith Miller

  His look of exasperation grated on me. This had been the most important day of my life. I was a rich man. A little blood oozing from my side didn’t matter one bit, but the doctor would never understand—not unless I told him my true whereabouts and what I’d discovered today. And that would never happen.

  “I stepped in a hole and fell while walkin’ in the woods with my son.” I grimaced for effect.

  His frown deepened. “I thought we agreed you would limit your walks to the sidewalks or level streets in the village.”

  “I shoulda taken your advice, Doc, but it’s too late to change things now, ain’t it?”

  The doctor nodded to a small group of men who were passin’ by on their way to supper. Except for height and weight, they all looked alike. Same felt hats, same dark pants, same suspenders, and same white shirts. After years of seein’ men and women in all sorts of colors and styles, the sameness here disgusted me. People should think for themselves, but the folks who lived here were willing to let someone else make all their decisions. They didn’t have to think about anythin’—not even what clothes they should wear. It seemed to me the only thing they gave much thought to was makin’ it to them prayer meetin’s every night. Never heard of such hogwash before comin’ here. What sane man went to church every day?

  The doc never did answer me, but I figured my question didn’t really need an answer. We both knew what had happened today couldn’t be undone. And I knew he’d do his best to get me mended. No doubt it was gonna take longer to be healed up enough to get outta here, but now with that money, my worries were over.

  Andrea wouldn’t know nothin’ about the money till I was long gone—and that was as it should be. She could stay here with the boy. I sure wasn’t gonna take ’em with me. Andrea would be trying to run off at ev’ry turn, and the boy would be a downright nuisance. Besides, goin’ it alone meant more money for me.

  Soon as we got to the waiting room, the doc motioned me toward the room where he examined his patients. “I want to take a good look at your wound and have my medical supplies close by.”

  I didn’t argue. When he told me to lie down on the table, I did, but not without a groan escapin’ my lips. Maybe I’d done more damage than I thought.

  The doctor shook his head. “You are a foolish man, Mr. Wilson. We were so close to having you well, and now we must start over. You have ripped out the stitches, but maybe it is for the best.”

  I lifted up on one elbow to look at him. “What’s that mean?”

  “Looks like there was some infection in there, and it wasn’t ever going to heal quite right. Did you notice how red the edges were becoming? I’ll need to clean it out. It will hurt, but it must be done.”

  He was right about the pain. I gritted my teeth and even yelled at one point, but he kept on working. When he finally gave a nod and stepped away from the table, I opened my eyes. “You done?”

  “Ja, for now.”

  “For now? What else you gotta do?”

  “I have cleaned the wound and packed it. Once I am certain the infection is completely gone, I will stitch it up again and hope that you will heal quickly. I am surprised the infection had not caused your temperature to rise.”

  I hadn’t put together my not feelin’ good with that gash in my side. Didn’t figure one had anythin’ to do with the other, but it appeared I was wrong. Since I was mending, the doctor didn’t check out all that stuff every day, but even if I’d known, it wouldn’t have mattered. Nothin’ would have stopped me from going over to that barn today.

  The doctor helped me up from the table and back to my room. Even using my cane and his help, it was no small feat. The pain made me feel weak, and a couple times I thought I was gonna pass out. His wife returned with supper while he was helpin’ me into bed.

  She fluttered around the room carryin’ a metal basket on her arm. “I have supper. Would you like to sit in your chair, Mr. Wilson?”

  The doctor shook his head. “He cannot sit in the chair right now.”

  “Truth is, after having the doc work on me, I think I need to rest awhile afore I try to eat anything.” I forced a smile. “But thank ya for your efforts.”

  “You rest, Mr. Wilson. I’ll put your food on top of the heating stove to keep it warm. You can ring that bell when you feel you’re ready to eat.”

  The thought of trying to push myself into a position so I could fork down a few bites of food was enough to ruin my appetite. I’d wait until mornin’. Maybe I’d be able to get myself into an upright position by then.

  I asked the doctor about giving me some laudanum, but he decided it wasn’t necessary. ’Course, he wasn’t the one feeling the pain. I considered usin’ a few curse words to let him know what I thought of his decision but held off. Until I was well enough to get the money from the hayloft and leave town, I’d have to be careful what I said.

  When the morning bell rang, I groaned and covered my ears. I felt like I’d gotten to sleep only a few minutes before they started that incessant clangin’. I longed to get back to sleep, but moments later Dr. Karr stepped into the room.

  “Guten Morgen, Mr. Wilson. How did you sleep?”

  “I didn’t. You shoulda given me some laudanum.”

  He ignored my comment and drew closer. “Let me have a look at your side.” After pullin’ down the sheet, he lifted the bandage and poked around on my side.

  I let out a yelp and glared at him. “That hurts!” I wanted to add a few expletives but figured I’d get in big trouble if I didn’t watch my tongue.

  “Ja, I am sure it does, but I am not the one who went walking in the woods against my doctor’s orders. When you disobey, you must suffer the consequences.” He secured the bandage and pulled up the sheet. “I will bring your breakfast when I return. Until then, you should rest.” He turned and strode toward the door without comment.

  “How’s it look, Doc?” I pointed to my side. “You think it’s gonna heal soon?”

  “If you do not do as you are told, it will never heal, Mr. Wilson. I am hopeful the wound is clear of infection and we will be able to stitch it back up in a few days. Only time will provide that answer. Until then, I suggest you do as you are told.”

  “Don’t you worry, Doc. I’ll be right here in this bed when you get back.” He continued out the door without sayin’ anything else. I needed to get back in the doctor’s good graces.

  If I could get a letter written to John before Lukas stopped to see me, I’d send him to the general store. With any luck, the mail would go out on a late afternoon train. Even though I couldn’t send him the money, I wanted to let John know it would be comin’ his way soon. ’Course, he might not believe me, since I’d been stallin’ for time ever since I left Baltimore.

  I woke up a short time later when the bell over the front door jangled. I expected to see Dr. Karr or his wife return with my breakfast. Instead, Andrea walked into the room, carryin’ the familiar metal basket used to deliver my meals. She glanced around, and looked at the larger table on the other side of the room.

  “Dr. Karr was called to see a patient, and his wife was joining some other sisters to quilt. I said I would bring your breakfast.” She lifted the metal lid and reached inside the basket.

  “Wait. I’m not sure I can make it over there to eat, and the doc said I shouldn’t get out of bed without his help. Did he tell you I could get up?”

  “He was in a hurry and we didn’t discuss where you should eat. Probably better if you stay in bed.” She gestured to the board balanced against the wall. “I’ll put your food on that board Lukas brought for you to use for writing letters when you were still bedfast.” She balanced the board across my lap and then placed the food, a cloth napkin, and silverware in front of me.

  “Ain’t ya gonna tuck the napkin around my neck?”

  She stiffened at my question. “No, and I’m not going to feed you, either. Exactly what were you and Lukas doing yesterday?”

  “Why? What did he tell ya?” I did
my best to stay calm. If Lukas had told her about what I’d been up to, I’d wring his neck.

  “It isn’t so much what he said, but the way he acted.”

  “Well, how did he act? I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about, Andrea. You ain’t makin’ sense.” I spread the napkin across my chest. “And don’t be givin’ me those provoked looks.”

  She sat down in the chair and folded her hands in her lap. “He acted like he was trying to avoid me—like he didn’t want to tell me what happened. Did you have him do something he shouldn’t have?”

  “Why you accusin’ me of wrongdoin’, Andrea? The boy probably didn’t want to tell you because he knew I wasn’t supposed to go walkin’ out in the woods.” I spread butter on the buckwheat pancakes before dousin’ them with maple syrup. “Wish they’d serve pancakes every day instead of those fried taters.”

  “You should be thankful you get any food at all. Beggars can’t be choosers, Fred.”

  “Always got a smart remark, ain’t ya.”

  She ignored me and looked away. Except for the sound of silverware clanking on china, the room remained silent till I finished breakfast. As soon as I pulled the napkin off my chest, she jumped to her feet and took the wooden board from my lap. After placin’ the dirty dishes in the metal container, she closed the lid. Holdin’ the wooden board in one hand, she started across the room.

  “I want that over here,” I said.

  She turned and looked first at me and then the board. “This? What for?”

  “I wanna write a letter.” I pointed at the table. “And bring me that writin’ paper and an envelope from over there.”

  After puttin’ the board across my lap, she returned for the paper and envelope. “I suppose you would like a pen and ink, as well?” She didn’t wait for an answer before gathering the items and placing them on the board. Instead of preparing to depart, she returned to the chair and sat down. “I’m in no hurry. I’ll wait and take your letter to be mailed.”

  “You go on. Ain’t no need to wait. It’s gonna take me a while to figure out what all I wanna say. Lukas can mail it after school.”

  Instead of gettin’ up, she smiled real big. “I’d be happy to help you with the letter.”

  “I don’t need no help, just time alone to think. You best get on back to your kitchen work.”

  She paused a minute after she stood up and looked at me like she had somethin’ she wanted to say but wasn’t sure she should. Finally, she picked up the basket and stared at me real hard.

  “I’ve been diligently praying to see some changes in you, Fred.”

  I tipped my head back and laughed. “Well, you can quit your prayin’, Andrea, ’cause I ain’t plannin’ to change no time soon.”

  Chapter 25

  Andrea

  A week had passed since Lukas came home and announced that the doctor had stitched up his father’s wound again. Lukas was pleased by his father’s progress, but I’d noticed that ever since the accident in the woods, Lukas appeared anxious. Several times I asked him questions, but he’d been less than forthcoming. And though I wanted to probe further, I feared he would withdraw from me. And Fred wouldn’t provide any answers—he was even more evasive than Lukas.

  With Fred on bed rest, there had been no opportunity to read any more of his letters, and he’d now placed them out of sight. While I believed the letters would reveal more of what had happened during Fred’s absence, I feared the contents would make it impossible for me to feel safe living with him again. And then what would I do?

  Knowing that Lukas longed to win his father’s approval increased my concerns even more. I worried that his recent anxiety was connected to Fred, and he was somehow manipulating the boy. I needed a confidant, but my choices were limited. If I discussed my concerns with the elders, they might decide Fred’s presence could cause unwanted disruption to life in the colonies. If they asked him to leave, Lukas and I would be expected to go with him. I shuddered at the thought.

  Once we had completed cleaning the breakfast dishes, Sister Erma waved me toward the door. “Go on and visit your husband, but try to return before we begin the noonday preparations. Greta and I will take care of the morning lunch.”

  I removed my apron and hung it near the back door. “Danke.” A twinge of guilt assailed me as I opened the door. Once the potato harvest had ended, I had returned to my usual schedule and hurried off each morning to visit Fred. Truth be told, I would have preferred to remain in the Küche, but I couldn’t say such a thing without causing raised eyebrows. “I’ll be back in plenty of time. I promise.”

  The door banged shut behind me, and I inhaled a whiff of sweet autumn air. Rays of bright sunshine shone on trees full of colorful leaves. Though I had left the kitchen with every intention of visiting Fred, when I should have turned left, I continued straight—on toward the tinsmith’s shop, where I would find Dirk.

  Perhaps Lukas had confided in him. If so, maybe Dirk could answer some of my concerns regarding the boy’s recent unease. These were the things I told myself before I entered the shop. As I stepped across the threshold, I ignored the nagging feeling that I should turn away. I should be going to visit my husband instead of confiding in another man.

  “Guten Morgen, Sister Andrea. It is gut to see you.” Dirk’s broad smile drew me toward him like a ray of sunshine on a cold winter day. “What brings you to my shop this morning?”

  I glanced around, hoping he would be alone. He grinned and glanced over his shoulder. “Werner has gone outdoors to draw some sketches. He is now painting pictures as well as helping here in the shop. Did Lukas tell you?” When I shook my head, Dirk pointed to some paintings sitting on a shelf across the room. “The boy has great talent, so I spoke to the elders. They agreed with my suggestion that he continue his artwork. The paintings will be displayed for sale in the general store. Already two outsiders have purchased artistic pictures.”

  “That’s wonderful. You’ve been so good to help Werner.”

  “He is the one with the talent. And the elders have even agreed that he will get extra credit on his store account for each sale, which makes his Mutter and Vater very happy.” He hesitated a moment. “So that is why I am alone this morning.”

  “I am glad.” The moment I’d uttered the remark, I could feel the heat rise in my cheeks. “I mean, I am glad to have the opportunity to visit with you privately. I wanted to speak with you about Lukas.” I feared my hurried explanation only made me sound more foolish.

  “Why don’t we sit down.” He carried a couple of the stools to the area at the front of the shop. For us to be alone in the back would be inappropriate. And even though we were sitting where we could be seen, I wondered what Brother Bosch might think if he walked into the shop right now. No doubt he would not approve. But that didn’t stop me. I accepted Dirk’s offer and sat down opposite him.

  “I have been worried about Lukas and wondered if you have noticed any changes in his behavior.” I looked up and was met by his quizzical gaze.

  “Lukas has not been coming to the shop after school. A couple days before Fred reinjured himself, Lukas came by and told me that he would be going to see his father each day after school and would not be able to come to the shop. I thought you knew.”

  I couldn’t believe my ears. “So Lukas has not been here at all?”

  “Nein. He said his Vater wanted more time with him.” Dirk massaged his forehead. “I should have spoken with you to make sure, but I did not think Lukas would agree to such an arrangement without first talking to you.”

  “Before Fred arrived, that would have been true, but it seems that he is having quite an influence upon Lukas—and I fear it is not for the better. At home he is distant with me, and when I ask him questions, he tries to avoid direct answers.” I wrung my hands together. “He has not been the same boy since Fred arrived.”

  “If you would like, I can speak to him and see if he will confide in me. I could draw him aside after prayer meeting and tell
him how much I miss him at the shop.” He cleared his throat. “I do miss Lukas.”

  “And I’m sure he misses you, as well. Perhaps that’s why he has been so quiet. He didn’t want to tell me he wasn’t coming to the shop. I’m sure Fred warned him against telling me.” My anger bubbled like a kettle of boiling water. How dare Fred teach Lukas to be dishonest!

  I wanted to march over to the doctor’s office and confront him this very moment, yet that would only make matters worse. There would be time to deal with Fred later. Right now I needed to remain focused upon Lukas and how to help him. I wasn’t sure why Fred wanted to keep the boy so close, but I doubted it was for any reason that would benefit Lukas.

  “Why don’t you talk to Lukas after prayer meeting? I don’t know if you can discover what’s bothering him, but it won’t hurt to try.” I hesitated a moment. “How is everything going between you and Sister Greta?” I waved my hand. “Never mind. I should not have asked—it is none of my business.”

  He chuckled. “You do not need to apologize. I am guessing she told you that I do not wish to participate in her strategy to win her Vater’s approval to marry Benjamin.”

  Learning his interest in Greta had been no more than a ruse caused a sense of relief to wash over me. “She has not said anything to me, but I wondered if something was wrong. She has been a little sour lately.”

  After he had explained the plan, he said, “I am not proud that I agreed to play any part in this. I should have refused from the outset. I knew it was wrong, but Greta has been my friend for years and I wanted to help her. She had already arranged the picnic, so I agreed to escort her, but I told her I would do nothing further to help with her plan.”

  I heard the shame in his voice and wanted to comfort him, but I remained silent and let him continue.

  “She is unhappy with me. I do not want to destroy our friendship, but I couldn’t agree to deceive her Vater.”

  No wonder Greta had been so sullen. I thought I had done something to anger her. Now her actions made more sense to me.