Shooting Straight: Guns, Gays, God, and George Clooney

by Morgan, Piers

He did it in 4.8 seconds, considerably faster than most of us could do it standing upright. And faster, he claimed, than anyone else in the British Army at the time.

  Unfortunately, he then tried to repeat the exercise later that year in a restaurant in London – using warm lager instead of bitter, and a weird-shaped glass. Halfway through the attempt, the bubbles flew up his nose, and he reared up like a speared gorilla and began to projectile vomit over everyone within ten yards.

  The Oak became a sanctuary as I reached my late teens. A place to escape the rigours of college and work. And, occasionally, national humiliation.

  The day after I got fired from the Daily Mirror, I knew exactly where I needed to be to get away from the jubilantly frenzied media stomping on my professional grave.

  I drove to Sussex, parked my car in the Oak’s car park and walked down to the front door. As I entered, many of my oldest friends were waiting and delivered a perfectly timed, slow round of mocking applause.

  I took a bow, the clapping increased in volume, then one of them said: ‘Right, you may be the most humiliated man in Britain, but it’s still your round. Get the beers in, Morgan.’

  Even now, when I walk inside – sometimes straight from the airport after a ten-hour flight from L.A. – I breathe in the familiar fumes, see the familiar faces and sigh with relief.

  TUESDAY, 23 NOVEMBER 2010

  We’ve hired more highly regarded bookers – Julie Zann (politics), Rachel Burstein from Oprah (everything) and Shant Petrossian from Rachael Ray (celebrity).

  We also hired Winnie Dunbar, a top producer who has worked everywhere from CNN to Oprah. And a writer, Susan Lay.

  In addition, we’ve successfully hired a few of Larry’s key staff including Lisa Thompson, who specialises in books and world leaders; Andrea Beaumont (news booker); three bright young producers: Brad Parks, Geoff Doner and Kathryn McQuade; Lindsay Geier, a logistical powerhouse who will run the show’s guest schedule; and Deb Daly, West Coast booking coordinator.

  They all have very impressive résumés, and all talk a great game. Just hope they can live up to it!

  Jonathan’s been handling all these hirings, but there’s one over which I have taken personal charge.

  Conor Hanna worked for me at the Mirror for years, and was a brilliant news executive who became the paper’s deputy editor after I left.

  He’s from Belfast, and is a very experienced, reliable and trustworthy newsman, working closely with me on huge stories like 9/11 and the Iraq War.

  It’s taken a while to extract him out of his Mirror contract, but we can have him by January.

  I’m thrilled. I need someone I’d trust implicitly to tell me the truth, who is a stickler for facts and who understands me. He’s that person.

  ‘How much TV has he done?’ Jonathan asked today.

  ‘Absolutely none,’ I replied.

  MONDAY, 29 NOVEMBER 2010

  I’ve been working regularly with Gayle King via email about the Oprah interview, but there’s still no decision. Although, I have discovered that Gayle herself is just as smart, warm and funny as her great friend. And she definitely seems to be on my side.

  But today, I received an update from her publicist, Lisa Halliday:

  Sorry, nothing to confirm yet, Piers. We are heading to Australia with our show this week – will be there until Christmas.

  I’ll give you a call when we get back to the States the week of 12/27. Unfortunately, I won’t have an answer for you until then.

  Hopefully we’ll be able to work something out for January.

  God, this is sweating it right to the wire.

  My gut feeling from the tone of this email is that I won’t get the interview, and they’re letting me down gently.

  TUESDAY, 30 NOVEMBER 2010

  ‘If you never change your mind,’ said Edward de Bono, the renowned expert on creative thinking, ‘why have one?’

  Which is why I joined Twitter today.

  I’ve lambasted the social media site for the last couple of years as a pointless, vacuous forum for stupid Twits to tweet to other Twits.

  But Steve Krakauer, my new digital producer, has persuaded me that I have to join for the sake of the show. So I took the plunge today and penned the following debut tweet: ‘I’m now a Twit, official.’

  A sentiment that sparked instant and almost universal global agreement.

  Within less than an hour, I was completely hooked. It’s fast, immediate, slightly wild and great fun.

  THURSDAY, 2 DECEMBER 2010

  I made my debut appearance on CNN tonight, on Wolf Blitzer’s show, The Situation Room.

  Wolf’s the on-screen engine driver of CNN’s airtime, particularly on the big stories. So it’s important I develop a good rapport with him.

  I needn’t have worried – he was kind and generous, with both his time and his words.

  Everyone at CNN’s been extremely welcoming so far, I must say.

  FRIDAY, 3 DECEMBER 2010

  Breakfast with Jeff Zucker.

  ‘How’s the preparation going?’ he asked.

  ‘A bit nerve-wracking, but I’m loving every second.’

  ‘The critics will be out to shoot you down, mainly because you’re British! Ignore them and focus on producing good shows. The ratings will come if you do that. Who do you have for launch week?’

  ‘Nobody big confirmed yet,’ I said. ‘Still working on Obama, Oprah and a few others.’

  ‘You won’t get Obama; he’ll wait and see what the show’s like first. Oprah would be great, though.’

  ‘What are you going to do next?’ I asked.

  ‘I’m not sure yet. Just going to take my time, have a break, clear my head and then see what opportunities are out there.’

  ‘Well, I can’t thank you enough again for letting me go to CNN. I owe you, big time.’

  ‘I didn’t want to have a judge on America’s Got Talent full of resentment because I stopped him doing his dream job.’

  ‘You never know, maybe you’ll wash up at CNN!’ I joked.

  We both laughed at the absurdity of such a notion.

  SATURDAY, 4 DECEMBER 2010

  I’ve made my first Twitter booking.

  Someone tweeted that they’d love me to interview Jessica Alba for the show.

  I retweeted, with the comment, ‘I agree, she’d be fantastic.’

  And minutes later, Jessica tweeted back, ‘Thank u, I’d be honoured!’

  As simple as that. No agents, managers, publicists, lawyers.

  Just one quick Twitter exchange and the deal was done.

  As a news source, Twitter’s extraordinary.

  As a font of gossip, unparalleled.

  As a booking force, clearly incredibly useful.

  And as a way to kill time on all those tedious car and plane trips that befall my weekly life, it’s a joyously entertaining diversion.

  Jonathan, highly amused by my conversion to his favourite social media, penned a blog for CNN.com:

  Somewhere along the way to amassing more than fifty-seven thousand Twitter followers in a little less than a week, including the delightfully British-sounding @Lord_Sugar, Piers Morgan became an American television anchor. It might have been hard to tell from his tweets – an often inexplicable amalgamation of soccer, cricket, warm beer, and other distinctly British areas of fascination – but the Americanization is under way.

  TUESDAY, 7 DECEMBER 2010

  Back in London to meet the staff at CNN International.

  Unlike in America, most of these journalists are British, and know all about my tabloid past.

  I could tell from some of their faces that my appointment has gone down like a cup of cold pea purée.

  But that’s OK.

  I’ve experienced that exact same reaction before, when I first walked into the News of the World. It’s down to me to prove them wrong.

  I also sat down with journalists from countries including Brazil, Israel, Germany, Denmark and France.

&nbs
p; I asked one of the CNN execs afterwards to confirm how many places the network aired in.

  ‘About two hundred countries and territories,’ he replied.

  ‘And how often will my show air?’

  ‘Three times a day, including prime time.’

  ‘Wow. That’s a lot of eyeballs!’ I said.

  ‘Yep. We don’t know exactly how many, because rating systems don’t work that well in many places we air. But we’re available in over three hundred million homes.’

  Tonight, CNN threw a lavish launch party for me at the Mandarin hotel.

  Jim Walton repeated in his welcome speech the three hundred million potential global audience figure – causing audible gasps of undisguised horror from my numerous British TV rivals in the room.

  But he won their hearts with his next line: ‘We listened to your phone calls, we read your emails and we decided to do what you asked, and take Piers out of Britain!’

  Cue loud roars of approval.

  FRIDAY, 10 DECEMBER 2010

  A message from Gayle King: ‘I am waving my Piers pom-poms!’

  Not sure what this means.

  SATURDAY, 11 DECEMBER 2010

  Another message from Gayle King: ‘Looking good.’

  Now I think I know what she means.

  THURSDAY, 16 DECEMBER 2010

  The last Larry King Live show aired tonight, and it was a remarkably poignant occasion, as presidents and superstars queued up to pay homage to the great man.

  The funniest moment came when Larry told Bill Clinton, ‘We’re both in the Zipper Club.’

  The former president looked momentarily startled, perhaps assuming for one terrifying moment that this was a reference to their mutual love of the ladies.

  Later, Larry – clearly prompted by nervous CNN executives backstage – gave the following hilarious clarification: ‘By the way, the suits wanted me to remind you what the Zipper Club is. It’s if you’ve had open-heart surgery, they have to zipper you up. I thought everyone knew that …’

  Clinton roared with laughter, then said, ‘I’m glad you clarified that!’

  As the final moment arrived, a tearful Larry stared at the camera and said, ‘I don’t know what to say, except to you, my audience, thank you. And instead of goodbye, how about so long?’

  The lights dimmed, and the final shot was of a lone microphone twinkling in the darkness.

  It brought a lump to my throat, and I’m sure to millions of others who were also watching.

  FRIDAY, 17 DECEMBER 2010

  My favourite US sport is basketball. Probably because it’s the only one of America’s big four (baseball, football and ice hockey being the others) that I’ve actually played.

  Tonight I attended my first game in the States, and took Meghan as my guest.

  She recently left Rogers and Cowan to be both my personal publicist and CNN publicity director for the show.

  So I’m now her sole client.

  ‘Every inch of press and hype right now is good for the prospects of my show launching well,’ I told her on the way to Madison Square Garden, where the New York Knicks were taking on the Miami Heat. ‘The only enemy is apathy.’

  ‘Or terrible press,’ she replied.

  The VIP suite was bursting with famous people – Woody Allen, Paul Simon, Spike Lee, two Jonas brothers and Liam Neeson.

  I spotted Bill O’Reilly, standing with two young girls.

  He’s extremely tall, at least six foot four, and exudes that air of cocky, unassailable nonchalance that comes with the fact his show’s been the number-one cable news programme for the last decade in America.

  ‘Let’s go and talk to him,’ I said to Meghan.

  ‘Are you sure you want to?’

  ‘What’s the worst that can happen?’

  ‘That he doesn’t know who you are, which would be embarrassing in this room right now.’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous!’ I said. ‘How could he not be aware of all the promos we’ve been running – it’s the biggest cable news launch in years!’

  Meghan raised an eyebrow.

  ‘He’s Bill O’Reilly. I don’t think he cares about, or watches, CNN promos.’

  We walked over.

  ‘Hi, Bill, Piers Morgan.’

  He stared down at me with an expression of undisguised disinterest.

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘We have something in common.’

  ‘Oh yeah, what?’

  ‘We’ve both worked for Murdoch.’

  I could tell he wasn’t remotely interested in anything I had to say, about anything.

  ‘I’m looking forward to competing with you,’ I persisted.

  He just smirked.

  O’Reilly clearly didn’t know who the hell I was, let alone view me as some kind of competitor.

  This was all getting excruciatingly awkward.

  ‘Well, nice to meet you,’ I concluded, before shuffling back with Meghan to where we’d been standing before.

  ‘That went well,’ she said with a laugh.

  ‘What a dick!’

  ‘He’s not a dick just because he doesn’t know who you are,’ she replied.

  A few minutes later, Meghan whispered: ‘O’Reilly’s coming over to you.’

  And indeed he was, with the two young girls.

  ‘Mr Morgan,’ he said, rather sheepishly, ‘my daughter is a fan of America’s Got Talent. Would you mind taking a picture with her?’

  I exercised everything in my bodily power not to explode with laughter.

  ‘Of course, Bill, no problem.’

  I turned to his daughter, who was blushing with excitement, and shook her hand.

  ‘Who’s going to take the picture?’

  ‘I will,’ said Bill.

  I posed with the two girls as O’Reilly steadied his camera. An elderly security guard in a badge-emblazoned blazer rushed over, stuck his hand in front of the lens, and shouted at him: ‘I’m sorry, sir, but we must safeguard the security of our celebrities!’

  Meghan stifled a snort of laughter.

  O’Reilly burned a deep shade of puce, and I thought he was actually going to erupt like a volcano.

  ‘It’s OK,’ I interjected. ‘I am more than happy for Mr O’Reilly to take my photograph.’

  The guard didn’t look happy, but allowed the picture to be taken.

  ‘Thank you,’ said O’Reilly, through the world’s most gritted teeth.

  ‘No problem. You should definitely come on my CNN show now.’

  ‘Oh yeah, why?’

  ‘Because A, it will be good for your celebrity status, and B, your daughter will love it.’

  He smirked.

  ‘Right. Well, we’ll see.’

  He walked away and Meghan and I shared a lengthy fit of giggles.

  I got home and watched Letterman, who dedicated his regular ‘top ten’ segment on the Late Show to Larry’s farewell.

  He opened by saying: ‘Larry will be replaced by Piers Morgan – I don’t know who that is. Just a guy in the CNN lot.’

  Then: ‘Number six: I hope the show will enjoy continued success under … what’s his name.’

  SATURDAY, 18 DECEMBER 2010

  Simon Cowell called from Barbados, where he’s spending the Christmas holiday.

  ‘I’ve been watching endless promos for your new CNN show,’ he said. ‘This is ruining my holiday.’

  Knowing Simon as well as I do – he was responsible for bringing me to America in the first place, as a judge on America’s Got Talent – I know this will be entirely true.

  MONDAY, 20 DECEMBER 2010

  Dan Pfeiffer, the White House communications chief, phoned to say it’s a ‘no’ to an Obama interview for launch week, though they haven’t ruled out doing it later.

  I don’t have any really big names locked in yet, and we’re just three weeks away. Squeaky bum time.

  The office is an intense place now, with the bookers frantically working their phones. I can feel the tension rising by th
e second. We all know how vital the launch week is.

  ‘We’ve got to get someone huge,’ I told Jonathan tonight.

  ‘We will,’ he insisted. ‘We’ve hired the best team in American cable news.’

  And that is true, at least on paper.

  We’ve recently added another top celebrity booker, Haleigh Raff, to our coterie, and a fabulously entertaining editorial producer, Pamela Gross, whose husband Jimmy Finkelstein owns the Hollywood Reporter magazine.

  TUESDAY, 21 DECEMBER 2010

  Anderson Cooper has interviewed me for a show that will air on the eve of my launch.

  ‘So why on God’s earth do you want to do a show on CNN?’ was his opening question.

  ‘Well, it actually goes back to 1991,’ I replied. ‘I was working on a big national newspaper in Britain. I was in my early twenties. And I was watching the Iraq War on a giant TV screen. CNN reporters Bernie Shaw and Peter Arnett were literally doing the most astonishing television I had ever watched, with Scud missiles flying over their heads. And the whole newsroom came to a halt.

  ‘And I realised watching it that the future of journalism was probably going to be through the presence of a TV screen. For the first time.

  ‘The whole CNN thing just seemed to be incredibly thrilling … the twenty-four-hour rolling news. If it happened, you had to watch CNN.’

  ‘How will you measure success from your show?’

  ‘Ratings. I’ve been brought in at a time when CNN has been going through a very tough time ratings-wise, and I think I’ve been brought in to shake up that 9 p.m. hour, and make it louder, noisier, more provocative, get some headlines and get it talked about.’

  ‘Do you see yourself as liberal, conservative or what?’

  ‘I don’t want to say because I can’t vote here anyway, so it’s kind of meaningless, and I really don’t want to get pigeonholed once I start this show as a political interviewer who has a bias. People have asked me how CNN can occupy the middle ground and not be partisan but still make a big noise.

  ‘And I always quote you, actually, from your reporting at Katrina, where I really didn’t get a sense that you were bothered if it was a Democrat or Republican administration. What you cared about so passionately and eloquently in your reporting was that somebody in an administration running your country was betraying these people and it had to stop. I’m not trying to blow smoke up the backside, but that was brilliant journalism. CNN’s at its best where it can be just as visceral and emotive and passionate as its rivals without descending into partisan political speak.’