Closely Guarded Secret

by Money, Natalie

  “I don’t want to hurt you.” He kisses me softly then takes me in his arms and holds me.

  I lie there, feeling safe and secure in his arms. Content. This is how my first time should have been. I should have been held and made to feel special, just like I do now. With my cheek against his strong, protective chest, I sigh out loud, “I’m glad it’s you, Bryce. I’m so glad it’s you.”

  His arms tighten around me, “Me too.” He brushes my damp hair away from my face and kisses me tenderly, then nuzzles my ear. We lie together for what seems like hours, him lightly stroking my back, music playing softly in the background.

  I’m sated, content and sleepy. I look up at Bryce and his look tells me he feels the same way. I’m so sleepy I can barely keep my eyes open, but I should go. No, I must go.

  “I need to go home,” I say in a hushed voice.

  He stops stroking my back and looks at me. “What? I’d like you to stay,” he says, looking and sounding confused.

  “Yes, I don’t want to be one of those women who do the ‘walk of shame’ in the morning. People talk, you know.” I’m hoping that will lighten the mood.

  “Is this the female version of ‘wham bam, thank you ma’am’?” He states with a chuckle.

  “Hardly. I just know that if I stay longer, I’ll fall asleep. Right now, there’s nothing I would like more than to fall asleep with you here, in your arms, but I should go.”

  I don’t want to ruin the evening, but I’m not ready to wake up with him next to me and take the chance that he’ll want to do this again with the room filled with light when he can see my entire body.

  “I don’t want you to go, Ali. I want to wake up with you beside me.”

  “I know, and one day we will, but for now, I need to go. I’ll take a cab home. You’ve been drinking and I don’t want you to drive.”

  “If you must, I’ll take you.” I hear sincere disappointment in his voice.

  “Thank you for understanding, Bryce. This night has meant so much to me.”

  I want to cherish this feeling before I tell him and the bottom falls out from under us both. I’ll be crushed because I know he’ll want nothing more to do with me. He leans down, kissing me again. His mouth is so sensuous. I want to stay. I want to go. I’m a big ball of mixed emotions right now. “Tonight, this . . . this has been so . . .” I say, looking into his eyes. Again, I can’t find the words.

  “I know. Me too,” he says, holding me close. “I’m okay to drive. I don’t want you taking a cab.”

  “Okay. Thank you.” I’m relieved.

  Releasing me, he disappears into the bathroom and I’m quick to get dressed before he can return and turn on the light.

  “That was fast,” he says, half smiling and half frowning with a confused look.

  I can’t help but stand with my mouth open, staring at this beautiful man with his perfectly sculpted body, his naked, glorious body. With such finely chiseled features, Michelangelo himself could have carved Bryce. He’s the whole package. I’ve always cringed whenever I’ve heard people use that cliché, but now I understand the meaning. Wow. Just, wow. My eyes wander and I notice, even limp without a full erection, he’s still very well endowed. Now I see why I thought he would split me in two. I take in a deep breath and exhale slowly. He’s comfortable in his own skin. I wish I were.

  “You like what you see?” he asks with a seductive smile. He picks up his discarded clothes.

  “Yes, I like it very much.” I’m trying to suppress the desire in my voice, but I think I failed.

  He walks over to me, tilting my chin up and looking into my eyes. “You can have it anytime you like.” He flashes his biggest smile and lightly grazes his lips across mine.

  Well, fuck me. I’m flushed and the room is getting hot again. The way he kisses me ever so lightly always leaves me wanting more. I find it very hard to concentrate on anything else. Now I’ll be counting down the minutes until his mouth can engulf mine again. Okay, I know if I don’t leave now, I will wake up beside him tomorrow and I can’t risk that.

  “Come on, I’ll take you home.”

  #

  When Bryce pulls into my driveway, I’m overwhelmed with guilt over wanting to leave his bed and him tonight. Am I running away? I’m torn between going inside, or telling him to take me back home with him. Then, I remember my reason for leaving, and I’m unwavering in my decision.

  He leans against the wall and faces me while trailing kisses across my palm, and then runs his thumb lightly across it and up my fingers. “Would you come to my volleyball game tomorrow? It’s at eleven,” he says while still stroking the inside of my fingers.

  “I’ll see what I can do.” My breathing is getting more erratic. He must know the effect he has on me because he smiles.

  “I’ll pick you up and we’ll have a late lunch afterward.” He lifts my hand and kisses my palm, while his tongue lightly grazes across it this time, shifting my need for him into high gear.

  “I’d like that,” I reply without hesitation.

  He grabs my shoulders and pulls me close, I snake my arms around him, binding us together as he kisses me deeply, passionately. “I want nothing more than to take you right here, right now.” Our lips never leave the other as he continues. “ Are you sure I can’t persuade you to let me come inside? That pun is definitely intended.” This makes me smile and he leaves soft kisses on my lips and the side of my mouth.

  “There’s nothing I want more, but for now it’s for the best if you go.”

  Reluctantly, he lets me go. “See you tomorrow.” My stomach has that sinking feeling I get when I have to leave him. He plants his cool lips on mine for one last gentle kiss.

  Once inside, I peek out the window and watch him walk to his car. Before he gets in, he turns toward the house and sees me looking out. He smiles his million-dollar smile, disappears into his car and is gone.

  Absentmindedly, I walk upstairs to my room with the biggest grin on my face. I can’t stop smiling. I get ready for bed and there’s a text from Bryce:

  *Tonight was just the beginning. Goodnight beautiful. *

  My cheeks hurt from smiling so much. Nothing will be able to remove it from my face. Nothing.

  CHAPTER 24

  “Hey Sunshine. Wake up. I didn’t expect to see you here this morning,” Steven says and I can tell by his tone he wants details.

  “Hi,” I answer sleepily with one eye open, trying to bring him into focus. As I roll over, the soreness I feel between my legs is a reminder of last night with Bryce.

  “So, you didn’t want to do the ‘walk of shame’ huh? It’s a rite of passage for some.”

  I know he did it a few times before he met Sampson. “Well, it’s not for everyone and certainly not me. Besides, you know why I couldn’t stay the night.”

  “Are you ever going to tell him? I mean, you can’t hide forever, he’ll see them eventually. He deserves to know,” he says flatly.

  “It’s too early to get into this right now. Besides, why would I tell a man I barely know about my fucked up past?” I’m getting angry and he knows it. This is not how I wanted to wake up.

  He puts his hands up as though he’s surrendering. “I’m sorry. You’re right. It’s your story to tell, not mine,” he says sheepishly. He knows he crossed the line, trying to push me too hard.

  “So, tell me, did you have a Brycegasm?”

  “What?” My voice is as flat lined as a corpse.

  “You heard me. Did he give you his McStiffy? You know, inquiring minds . . .”

  I cut him off. “Yes, I heard you, and sometimes I wish I hadn’t.” Unable to stop, a huge smile crosses my face as I think about Bryce. “Last night was amazing. Perfect.”

  “I’m glad you finally took a step forward. Now give me all the, ahem, ins and outs.”

  “You’ll have to use your imagination. Wait. On second thought, don’t. I don’t want you to visualize him naked or otherwise.
”

  “Too late for that. Now dish.”

  “Steven, I don’t kiss and tell like some people I know.” We grin at each other.

  “You love my stories. All of them.”

  “Because of your stories, I knew what to do last night. I learned how to touch a man by listening to your wild, obscene, freaky shit.”

  “So, you at least touched him. Did you go down on him?”

  “If I did, I wouldn’t tell you. I don’t want you eyeing him like he’s the daily special on a menu the next time you see him either.”

  His eyes grow wide. “He went down on you then?” His curiosity has gotten the better of him, and I’m feeling uncomfortable with his line of questioning.

  Over the years, Steven has over-shared all kinds of kinky sex acts he’s experienced, but I can’t bring myself to tell him about last night. I want to protect the intimacy I shared with Bryce, and right now Steven’s an unwelcome intruder. I throw the covers back, pushing him out of the way so I can get up.

  “You can ask and ask, but I’m not saying anything.”

  He looks hurt. “Ali, I’ve shared everything with you. Throw me a bone here. I’ve been waiting for this day to come for ten - count ‘em - ten years. I don’t need details, just tell me if you two bumped uglies last night.”

  “Bumped uglies, Steven? Really?”

  “You know what I mean. Did you or didn’t you?” He asks, his eyes wide with anticipation, waiting on my answer.

  He’s not going to let up. He’s relentless, and I cave.

  “Yes, we made love last night. That’s all I’m going to say.”

  “Woo, hoo!” he screams and that’s all I hear as I close the bathroom door.

  #

  It’s ten fifteen, and Bryce should have been here fifteen minutes ago, since his game starts at eleven. I check my phone, but there’s no text or call. I call him, and it goes to voice mail. “Hi, it’s me. Was wondering what time you’d be here.”

  Sitting and watching the clock, I see it’s now twenty-five after and I’m getting nervous. Is he okay? I hope he didn’t get into a wreck. Maybe he had a flat? My mind races in different directions of why I haven’t heard from him, before landing on a negative thought. I don’t want to think the worst of Bryce, but what if he got what he wanted last night and conquered what he thought was impossible? Was everything he said a lie? Memories and feelings of past insecurities, which I thought were long gone, rear their ugly head.

  I don’t want to think these thoughts, but my mind won’t stop. He stalked, captured and devoured me like prey until there was nothing left. He used his experience to lure me in, hook me, and then discard me. An even more horrific thought creeps in: What if he really does want Mara? What if he was just using me to make her jealous? Was I a pawn in their sick, twisted game? Is that why she dropped the lawsuit?

  I ponder all the questions running through my mind, and my stomach flips at the possibilities. My own stupidity got me here. I have no one to blame but myself. I know that, but I wish my head and heart were on the same page.

  “Ali, what’s wrong?” Steven asks through the closed door. He wiggles the doorknob. “Let me in.”

  My head is pounding along with my stomach. Sinking down onto my bed, my arm flies over my eyes as I try to erase those unwanted thoughts from my mind. Unshed tears pool, but I refuse to let them fall. “Go away. Please,” I say in a whisper, barely audible to myself.

  He’s pounding on the door now. “Alixandra Jayde Quinn. Open this damned door now,” he screams. I hear him talking to someone.

  “Ali, open the door. If you don’t, we’re going to break it down.” We? Bryce?

  “Ali, I’m giving you five seconds to open this door, then I’m kicking it in,” Steven yells. He would do it too.

  After making myself presentable, once the door’s unlocked, Bryce rushes in, taking me in his arms. Relieved he’s okay, I cling to him but my earlier thoughts dominate my mind. My hands try to push him away, but he holds me tight against him.

  “What’s this?” he asks.

  “I’m not feeling well, Bryce. I think you should go.”

  Steven asks, “What’s wrong? Are you sick?”

  Bryce’s hand rests on my forehead. “You don’t feel hot.” Oh, if only he knew how many times I did feel that way being around him.

  Steven’s standing in the doorway, and I sense he knows what’s going on. “I’ll leave you two alone,” he says, turning toward the stairs.

  “Ali?” When I don’t answer, he continues. “Is this about last night?” Bryce asks, now visibly worried.

  I want to choose happiness over despair this time. This is how I felt back then. I hate feeling this way, but right now I can’t help it.

  He comes closer, “Talk to me.”

  “Bryce, you should go. Your teammates count on you to be there.” My brain’s in shock that Bryce is actually here, and I need to get a handle on my thoughts and emotions.

  “I don’t care about the game. I’m worried about you. Tell me what’s wrong.”

  “I don’t know. I thought . . .” As my old insecurities from my past bubble to the surface, I can’t find the words.

  “I’m here. Is that what’s bothering you? You thought I wouldn’t want to see you anymore? Be with you?” He positions himself in front of me, his soft caress on my face brings me peace, and I lean into his touch.

  “Everything about this is so new to me. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel after what we did last night.”

  “I hope you feel the same way I do. I wanted nothing more than to be with you, and that hasn’t changed. I want you even more now.” His confession takes me by surprise.

  “You do?”

  “Yes, of course. I’ve tried to make that clear to you. What’s this really about?”

  “Bryce . . .” How do I explain to him how my past fucked me up, not only physically, but also emotionally?

  “Shhh . . . there’s nothing I want more than to be with you. Don’t talk yourself out of this, or over-think it before you give us a chance.” His words soothe me, and I want to trust him. I want to believe him. Bryce continues, “On the outside you’re strong, a force to be reckoned with, but what makes you not trust me? I would never intentionally hurt you. You’re not a one night stand for me.”

  “I want to believe you. It’s . . .”

  “What? Is this about whatever it is you won’t tell me?” He asks, searching my face for clues. I can’t answer without raising more questions than I’m willing to answer right now.

  “I told you I had a bad week. Plus Mara, and then her unexpectedly dropping the lawsuit, which I’m relieved by, but there’s something . . .”

  He lets me go, taking a step back. “It’s done and over with. I don’t want to talk about her. This is about us. What we want. She’s not part of my life. You are.”

  “She wants to be part of your life. Don’t you see it? She turns up wherever you go, even showing up in L.A., and I don’t understand how she knew where you were. How could that have been a chance meeting?” Anger replaces my insecurities the more we talk. “She shows up in your penthouse for a photo shoot, supposedly without you knowing or being there. The coincidences are too much. I’m sure you know why she dropped the lawsuit. Believe me, I’m glad she did. Your mood yesterday gave me a strong impression there’s something you’re not telling me.” I’ll be damned if I’m going to be used as pawn in a game I have no idea I’m even playing. He stares at me for a moment before I go on, “She’s proven to me she’s a psyched-out nut job. I don’t need any type of crazy in my life. I’m not so sure I won’t be filing a restraining order against her.” This release feels good. I needed to get it out, lay it on the table.

  “You can’t do that, Ali. Let it go,” he sighs.

  “I promise you I’m not jealous, if that’s what you’re thinking, but she wants you and I’m in the way. If she thinks for one minute I’ll let her call
the shots when it comes to my life and the man I fuck, she couldn’t be more wrong.” Did I just say that?

  He looks slightly amused. “Well, truth be told, you haven’t ‘fucked’ him yet.” A wry smile creeps into the corners of his mouth. Here we go again.

  “That’s not what I mean,” I say, trying to remain serious. He closes the distance between us; his eyes burn into me and the heat from his gaze reaches down to that spot in my pelvis, sending tremors through my entire body.

  “What do you mean?” he asks, brushing my hair to one side. “I think your fears stem from your past, and I have every intention of replacing those with nothing but good memories. I know when you’re ready to talk you will, but don’t ever think last night was a one-night stand. Are we clear?” His voice is commanding, more domineering.