‘Just a bit of space?’ he asks. ‘A week?’ Grace nods. She musters every ounce of strength in her body and her mind, and she gets up from the table. She leans over and kisses his cheek, touches his hand, strokes his hair. Her entire body fills up with feelings. She bites her lip to stop it from trembling.
‘I’ll be there. You know, whatever, I’ll be there waiting.’
Now it is Johnny’s turn to nod as she allows herself one last look at him before she walks away.
Grace hails a taxi almost straight away, tears blinding her as she sits and waits for home. She had to do it, that much she knows. If he wants her, then he must want her for her. There is no way that she will manipulate him. There is no way she will try to trap him. She can hope and pray, but that is all she can do.
Johnny decides to finish the wine they ordered. He cannot face going home. The menus that they barely glanced at lie on the table and remind him that he has no appetite and no companion to dine with. He looks to where Grace sat and wonders how he got himself into such a mess. It isn’t his style; he isn’t a cad, a bounder, a womaniser. He loves Betty; he is terrified he loves Grace. He finishes the wine, and wonders what he is going to do. No answers come, but one thing is clear: he needs to do something.
It is early, only half-past eight, so he calls Matt and begs him that he needs to talk. He knows it might be dangerous talking to Alison’s husband, but he is also his best friend and he has no other option, or none that he can think of.
Grace arrives home, feeling lonelier than ever. Her answer phone is blinking so she presses play. Nicole’s voice speaks to her, and also a desperate message from Betty, begging her to call and let her know if anything is happening. Grace has gone from hating Betty to feeling sorry for her, to fearing her. Or maybe she feared her all along. Maybe that was the problem. But since she has ceased all contact with her lovers, she has no one to ask or talk to, because they were her only friends. She can’t call Nicole. Despite her friendship, their relationship is a work one, and she doesn’t want her boss to see her falling apart.
She thinks that maybe she will call Betty, but then she decides she won’t. What would she say to her? There is no way she can tell her the truth, because at that moment she has no idea what Johnny wants. Or if anything is going on.
Betty jumps every time the phone rings, but it is not the person she wants it to be. She called Grace earlier in the evening because the day has been torture. Ever since Sunday, she has felt positive, but now that positiveness has fled. Deserted her. And Grace wouldn’t speak to her to tell her. She thinks about phoning her again, but stops herself. If Grace thinks she is as hysterical as she is, then she will only use it against her. She pours herself some wine and realises that if she had only stood up to her boss, she would never be in this situation. It is Fiona’s fault. It is her job’s fault. It is Grace’s fault. It is her own fault.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Johnny sees Matt sitting at the bar nursing a beer as soon as he opens the door. He has deliberately not spoken to anyone about Grace before, but that is about to change. Although Matt can come across as a bit of a joker, Johnny trusts him. He is the only person that he truly trusts apart from Betty, and he can’t talk to her. For once. That is part of what is killing him. Betty is not just his wife, from the moment he met her she became his best friend. Keeping things from her is eating him up, as it has been ever since he met Grace. He justified keeping Grace from Betty at first. He doesn’t talk about his clients, nor tell her when he goes for lunch with them. But the telephone calls, the games at her flat, the golf, the dinner – they couldn’t all be explained as justifiable. Then he wasn’t just not telling Betty the truth, he was lying to her. Deliberate lies.
He isn’t having an affair, and that isn’t what he wants. If he knows nothing else, he knows that he can’t sleep with both women, no matter how much he wants to. No matter how tempted he is, he knows he would never do that. But he can’t go on the way he is, torn between two women, two women he really believes he loves. He loves them both. Full circle.
‘Hi, mate,’ Matt says as Johnny sits down beside him. He gestures to his bottle of lager and Johnny nods. He catches the barman’s attention and puts up two fingers. In seconds two bottles of lager arrive and Johnny hands over a five-pound note.
‘Thanks.’ Johnny takes a long drink. He managed to finish most of the wine in the restaurant but needs more Dutch courage. He is about to voice his biggest fears out loud and then they will be more real than ever.
‘You sounded different on the phone,’ Matt says, not one hundred per cent sure why he is sitting at the bar, but sure it isn’t just because Johnny wanted a beer. After all the weird happenings, Matt is convinced that Johnny is having an affair. He believes that he is about to hear the confession.
‘Matt, if I tell you something, will you promise me something?’
‘I hate it when people say that. How do I know if I can promise you until I know what it is?’
‘What I mean is, I don’t want you to tell Alison.’
‘Oh, well, that’s fine then,’ he jokes. They both avoid eye contact.
‘I’ve met someone.’
Matt takes a look at Johnny but he is staring at his lager bottle. Although this is what Matt thought, he is not prepared for how hearing his best friend say it will make him feel. Ever since he met Johnny, he has been jealous of the certainty. He is jealous of his relationship with Betty, and has tried to model his own, with Alison, on theirs. Johnny has been a relationship role model, but this is one road that Matt doesn’t want to follow him down.
‘You’re having an affair?’ His voice is shaky. He is unsure if it is full of anger but it is full of something.
‘No.’ Johnny still stares at his bottle. He is trying to find the words to describe what he is doing but it keeps coming down to the fact that he is lying to his wife and he has fallen for someone else.
‘Johnny, mate, you’ve got to help me out here. What’s going on?’ The anger has subsided, if that is what it was. Now Matt just wants to get out of the bar and pretend that this evening never happened.
‘I met this woman. She’s a client, a new client, and, well, she’s incredible. Her husband divorced her, and she came to me to put her finances in order. There wasn’t loads of money, but she got to me. She’s beautiful, I think the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met, and also vulnerable, and a bit sad – you know, like there’s so much sadness inside her it’s reflected in her eyes …’
‘Slow down a minute. Johnny, are you in love with her?’
‘I didn’t mean to be. But I think I am.’
‘And Betty?’
‘I love her still. I haven’t stopped loving her and wanting her. I’m not having an affair, Matt. I haven’t kissed this woman, nothing, but she feels the same, and now I know I have to do something in case it kills me. Or kills her and Betty.’
Matt gestures to the barman for more beers, then changes his mind.
‘Two double brandies please,’ he says. Johnny doesn’t argue. ‘I’m not sure I can get my head round this. Johnny, you and Betty are the best couple ever. Everyone agrees you’re made for each other. Are you sure that this isn’t just a crush?’
‘No, I’m not sure of anything. When I see her I feel good -you know, warm and stuff- and when I see her I feel sparks. Is it a crush? Should I just not see her? In fact, tonight she told me that we shouldn’t see each other. She doesn’t want to be a marriage wrecker.’
‘But you both know that there is more to this than a platonic friendship?’
‘Yup. I don’t want to lose Betty, but I’m not sure I can walk away from this, it’s so powerful, you know. I’m being sucked into her and I’m not sure that I can resist. When she left tonight, I thought about how I’d feel if I never saw her again, and I was scared. Look, I’m not good at this, talking about my feelings stuff, but this isn’t like anything else.’
‘No, it’s not.’ Matt is trying not to panic. He feels i
nadequate in his side of the conversation, having never encountered one like it. ‘Johnny, I guess this is a silly question, but do you love one more than the other?’
‘I don’t know. The thought of life without Betty is horrific, but so is not seeing her again. Shit, I just don’t know.’ He downs his brandy, and gestures for two more.
‘Johnny, I think, and believe me I have no fucking idea about this, but I think you should take her advice. Have a few days with no contact, try to date your wife – you know, take her out for a change – and then see. If by the end of the week you really feel like you need this, this … what’s her name?’
‘Grace. Grace Regan.’
‘If you really feel you need this Grace – hang on, did you say Grace Regan?’
‘Yes, why?’ Johnny gives Matt a puzzled look, which Matt returns. He feels a chill sweep through him. The name, why should it bug him? He thinks he’s heard it before, recently, but he can’t remember. His brain starts rejecting all attempts to coax his memory into action.
‘Matt?’ Johnny is still looking at him.
‘Sorry. It’s just that Grace is quite an unusual name. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, well, spend a week apart from her, make an effort with Betty, then we’ll have a chat at the end of it, and see where we go from there.’
‘Thanks, Matt, you’re a good mate.’
‘Don’t mention it.’ As they both lapse into silence, Johnny almost feels better. Matt’s right: the answer he needs will come to him if he just allows himself some breathing space, and he is also right about spoiling Betty. That is what he will do.
Matt drinks his brandy and tries to think. His mind isn’t working but he knows that something is wrong here, and he knows that for Johnny’s sake he needs to figure out what it is. Not being strong on intuition normally, Matt tries to brush it away, but this feeling is too powerful to ignore. He just needs to work it out. He is angry with himself for being so stupid, and not doing something before, but he knows that somewhere in his empty head is the answer, and as his head is empty it shouldn’t be too hard to locate.
Betty is sitting on the sofa watching a documentary on television when Johnny walks in. He goes over to her and sits down.
‘You smell of booze,’ she says kindly, wondering in her head where he has been. Grace hasn’t called her back, but she is beginning to resign herself to the fact that she has lost. Just how much she has lost she is yet to figure out. She doesn’t want to figure it out. Not yet. Not until she has to.
‘Sorry, but you know what Matt’s like.’
‘Oh, I didn’t know you were going out with Matt tonight.’ She tries to keep her voice level. She spoke to Alison earlier in the evening and she hadn’t mentioned anything.
‘I wasn’t, not at first. I was with a client, then I asked Matt to go for a quick beer. You know what it’s like.’
‘Of course I do, honey.’ Betty feels the anger and the jealousy well inside her. She knows exactly what it’s like because she knows exactly which ‘client’ he was with before Matt. But she pushes the knowledge away because being the perfect wife is not about anger. She is wearing a dressing gown, which she lets slip open to reveal her naked body. ‘Now you’re home, perhaps you might like to take me to bed?’ she says, launching herself at him.
While they kiss, and she tastes that woman on him, or the evening that was with that woman, she prays that he won’t leave her, and she tries that little bit harder so he won’t. Why would any man leave Superwife? He’d have to be mad. Wouldn’t he?
Grace sits in the darkness watching the fish. She is drinking red wine because it reminds her of what she walked away from. She has done with tears and she has work that needs doing. She has to pull herself together.
Tomorrow, she promises herself, tomorrow she will be better. She will get on with her work and be like the old Grace. The trouble is that she doesn’t want to be the old Grace any more. But she has to, because that way she can cope if he decides to stay with Betty.
She wonders what he did after she left. Did he drink the wine, or pay the bill and leave? Or did he, and this is the most horrific thought, did he call his wife and ask her to join him?
Tears return as she fills her glass again. Whatever the outcome she is alone and she has never felt lonelier.
‘You stink of brandy,’ Alison complains as Matt tries to cuddle her in bed.
‘Sorry, but you know what Johnny’s like,’ he replies, slurring his words slightly. He and Johnny left the bar, but instead of heading straight home, Matt stopped at another one on the way. He is still racking his brains for the name Grace. It is in there somewhere.
.’I know what you’re like,’ Alison replies, but she plants a kiss on his head.
He thinks about asking her, but doesn’t want to start a fight, and mentioning the name of another woman you can’t place can potentially do that. He closes his eyes, with the room spinning slightly, and regrets the last two brandies. He is asleep, but then he is awake. He has no idea what the time is but he sits bolt upright, sobriety has returned, as has his memory.
‘Alison, wake up.’
‘Umm.’
‘Wake the fuck up,’ he shouts.
‘What? Is the house on fire?’
‘No, but we need to talk. Get up; I’ll make some hot chocolate.’
‘But I want to sleep. I’ve got work tomorrow.’
‘Alison, get up. This is important.’
There are times when you can mention another woman’s name to your wife. Those times are when her friend is the one who has used that name and you have a feeling that she knows more than she is telling you.
The kettle has boiled by the time Alison appears in the kitchen. She has her bathrobe wrapped tightly around her, and she is yawning.
‘What on earth is this?’ she demands, sitting down at the kitchen table. The light is on, which hurts her eyes. She is angry and tired, and thinks that Matt is just drunk. Matt hands her drink and starts pacing. He has set up an interrogation room in the kitchen, but Alison does not know this. He stops suddenly and turns to face her.
‘Tell me who Grace is.’
Alison opens her mouth, closes it again, and blinks. She wonders if she is in a dream, that her subconscious is worrying about the consequences of her keeping things from her husband. But then, as she feels a chill down her spine, the situation feels horribly real.
‘Who is she?’ Matt asks again.
‘I don’t know,’ Alison lies.
‘You do because I heard Betty talking about her.’
‘Oh,’ Alison says.
‘Yes, oh. But that’s not all. Johnny was talking about her tonight.’
‘What was he saying?’ She can see everything crashing around her.
‘That’s not the point, or not at least until you tell me who she is and how on earth you and Betty know her.’
Alison feels sick. ‘She was Betty’s honey trap woman.’
Alison tells Matt the whole story, leaving nothing out.
‘I can’t believe you kept this from me.’ Matt looks sad, and a bit frightened rather than angry.
‘You’d have told Johnny.’
‘And a good job that would have done – stopped all this nonsense. I can’t believe you let Betty agree.’
‘She needed to. She had to keep her job.’
‘Oh, don’t be so dramatic. Do you really think she would have lost her job?’
‘She might have.’
‘And that was worth losing Johnny for?’
‘She didn’t think that he’d fall for it.’
‘Well, he hasn’t. Not yet anyway.’ It is Matt’s turn to tell Alison what Johnny has said.
‘He’s in love with her?’
‘He thinks he is. He thinks he loves them both.’
‘But nothing’s happened?’
‘No, nothing. And you know what? She hasn’t pushed him either. Tonight she suggested that they have some space from each other.’
‘But that doesn
’t make sense, not for the bet.’
‘Well, Alison, this whole thing doesn’t make sense, but the worst is that Johnny is going through agony and it’s all a damn setup. How could you not tell me?’ He is shaking with rage.
‘Betty begged me not to.’
‘Has she lost her marbles?’
‘I think she might have done. You know, she’s been turning herself into the perfect wife for him, so he doesn’t stray.’
‘Christ. We have to sort this out.’
‘How?’
‘I am going to tell Johnny.’
‘But Betty’ll go mad.’
‘I don’t care, Alison, and I won’t mention you. Maybe she’ll think I managed to put it together all by my clever self. But don’t tell her that I’m telling him.’
‘Why? I have to.’ It is all getting messier and messier.
‘No, because Johnny has to work out what to do, and if you tell Betty what I’ve told you, and that I’m telling him, then it’ll be a bigger mess.’
‘I’m not sure that’s possible.’
‘Neither am I. But promise me, AIL’
‘OK, but you’d better sort it out quickly.’
‘I will.’
Johnny untangles himself from Betty and goes back to the living room. He can’t sleep, and he feels wretched. That night he confessed to his best friend that he might be in love with another woman, and then he has sex with his wife. He’s hypocritical; he’s in a huge conundrum. He goes to the kitchen and makes himself a cup of tea. He then sits on the sofa until he manages to fall asleep.
Betty opens her eyes and sees that he isn’t there. She wonders if he is downstairs thinking of her or thinking of Grace, a thought that makes her angry and more determined. She regrets starling this, she has regretted it from the word go, but even more so now, because her husband is on the brink of being stolen. A theft that she has almost invited. She tries to get back to sleep before he comes back. If he is ever coming back.
Agent Provocateur Page 33