“I’ll drive. What time will you be ready?”
“Give me thirty minutes. Just come pick me up. I don’t want to come over there so mamma can ask me all kinds of questions about me drinking and partying.”
“Fine. I’ll see you in a little while.”
So far, so good. Everything was in place except for one thing. I knew Lisa was going to want to go to the city, if she knew that’s where Denise and I were going. I couldn’t let her go. I couldn’t even let her know that’s where we were going. I had to be slick, I had to be sly. But how could I get away without her wanting to tag along?
When I walked back into the living room, my mother-in-law was asking who wanted to take a bowl of fruit salad to Aunt Minnie. That was it! That was my ticket to get out of the house without any riders. No one wanted to go to Aunt Minnie’s because she got on their nerves. I liked her though. I can appreciate the wisdom this woman can bring. After all, she’s lived almost an entire century and still has all of her good sense. How could you not learn anything from this woman? I graciously volunteered to do the deed. I hurried to my car with the salad and headed for Aunt Minnie’s. I would have to do a drop and go, though. I had to pick up Denise and by the time we got to the city, I wanted to have all the information out of her. I drove to Aunt Minnie’s, the whole time thinking about what I would learn from Denise about Allen. I hoped it was nothing too bad that he had done to make Lisa want to leave him, but it couldn’t have been anything good for her to walk away from her marriage. I couldn’t speculate though, I had to find out what it was and deal with it from there.
I dropped off the salad to Aunt Minnie and went to pick up Denise. She was ready when I got there and came to the door as soon as she heard the car pull up in the driveway.
“Why isn’t the driveway finished yet?” I asked her. Denise was having a concrete driveway poured and it was only halfway finished.
“That fool hasn’t come back to finish it,” She explained, “He got his money and I haven’t seen him”.
“How is your hangover?” I asked.
“Much better. What about Allen? Is he sober yet? When I dropped him off last night, he was lit like a Christmas tree.”
I wanted to tell her he sobered up real quick when he realized that he had just fucked me.
“He seemed fine this morning. Does he do that a lot, you know, get drunk?”
“Hell, we all do! It’s a family tradition. Allen more so than the rest of us.”
“How does Lisa deal with it?” I asked, trying to lead to a conversation about Allen and Lisa.
“Lisa is cool. She doesn’t trip. Allen has her in check.”
“That’s not my perception. It seems like Lisa runs that house.”
“Yeh, Lisa used to run that house. Allen put her in check, though. It may end up costing him his marriage, but he set her straight.”
“What do you mean? What happened?”
This was too good! This couldn’t be happening. I couldn’t possibly be getting the info I needed that quickly.
“Allen hit Lisa. He slapped the shit out of her!”
I know I did not just hear what I thought I heard. There was no way Allen would ever hit a woman.
“What do you mean?” I asked, shocked.
“He slapped her. What do you mean, what do I mean? He slapped her ass!”
“Why would he do that?” I asked, still in disbelief.
“Because niggas ain’t shit, that’s why. He’s just like all those other trifling niggas out there. He doesn’t have any respect. I guess she made him feel like a bitch, so he had to hit her in order to feel like a man again. I don’t know.”
“Denise, I don’t get it. That doesn’t coincide with Allen’s personality. There has to be more to the story.”
“What more could there be? Allen called me on the phone one day and said he slapped Lisa. That was it. He asked me what I thought he should do. I was so mad at him, I told him to let me talk to Lisa and I’ll tell her what I think she should do. He wouldn’t let me talk to her. She should have killed his ass! Why are you defending him anyway? Has Kenny ever hit you?”
“No! If he did, you would know, because you would need to buy a Black dress. I’m not defending Allen. I’m just saying it doesn’t sound right.”
“Nya, I know what you’re saying. I feel the way you do. And I don’t know the circumstances that drove him to that point. All I’m saying is that regardless of why he slapped her, he had no right to do it.”
“You’re right. I just find it hard to believe.”
“Well, believe it! He told me out of his own mouth.”
“That was the first time?” I asked, not knowing what to say next.
“Yeh. That’s why he was so beside himself. I don’t think he intended to do it and I think he hates himself for it.”
I hate him for it too. I can’t believe I was in love with a wife-beater. Boy, I sure can pick ‘um. How could I be so naive? I really thought he was different.
Denise went on to tell me about the classes they teach at her school on domestic violence but I was half listening. I could see her mouth and hands moving, but I couldn’t hear the words. It was like I was driving in slow motion. I was horrified at the thought of Allen striking a woman. I guess you never know about people. Then I thought about how he held me down against my will so he could get an orgasm. Then I thought about Akina. There was just too much stacked against him. This seemingly perfect man had issues that needed to be addressed. I don’t know if Akina is telling the truth, but I knew what he did to me and that in itself was a selfish act. If he could do that, what else was he capable of?
Denise and I made it to the mall in the city. I wasn’t much company after our conversation. I was undone. I had gotten the information I wanted and now I wish I had never asked. This was turning into a nightmare. Especially because I was going to have to tell Allen that I didn’t want to be with him. How was I going to tell him that I knew about him hitting Lisa? Was Denise even supposed to tell me that? I didn’t want to break the trust between his sister and him. Then I would have successfully alienated him from his brother and his sister. That only left one brother, one half-brother, and one half-sister that he would still had a good relationship with. I didn’t want to do that. Causing him to have a strained relationship with Kenny was enough. I didn’t want him to be mad at Denise for telling me about his marriage. I was just going to have to tell him that I don’t think we should pursue a relationship. I couldn’t see myself leaving my husband for this volatile, unpredictable man. If I was going to leave Kenny, it was going to be because of Kenny, not to be with Allen.
Denise and I walked around the mall looking for a gift for Kenny. After a while, she realized that most of what she was saying was not even registering with me. I was like a zombie, still in shock over what I learned about Allen.
“Nya, am I talking to myself?”
“I’m sorry, Denise. What did you say?”
“I said do you think Kenny would like this Armani sweater?”
“Yeh, I think it looks great. Allen would love it.”
“Who?”
“I said Kenny would love it.”
“That’s not what you said.”
“What did I say?” I asked her.
“You said Allen.”
“You know what I meant,” I told her.
“Nya, what’s going on with you and Allen?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about the way you two have been acting. I’ve been noticing little things. I didn’t think much of them before, but when you put it all together, it seems like the two of you have feelings for each other.”
“Why would you say something like that Denise? That’s ridiculous! I am in love with my husband.”
“Ok. I’m just saying that you and Allen have been acting like a couple of high school kids whose parents won’t let them date each other.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
&nb
sp; “Well, for example, when Allen and I went out last night he always seemed to bring your name in the conversation. He literally talked about you the whole night. I’m having a good time partying and dancing and all he could do was talk about you.”
“What did he say about me?” I asked curiously.
“See, that’s what I’m talking about. You sound like a teenager, asking what he said about you. I feel like I’m supposed to say, ‘He said he wanted to take you to the prom’”.
“Denise, you’re trippin’”.
“No, you and Allen are trippin’. I’m going to tell you like I told him last night. You two need to chill out before something happens that you both will regret.”
“You told him that?”
“Yeh, and I’m telling you too. Look Nya, if Allen feels anything for you, it’s not for the right reason. Either he’s trying to settle a score with Kenny or you remind him of a girl he once loved - or both. It’s not because he’s just head over heels in love with you.”
“Denise, there’s nothing between Allen and me.”
I said those words to keep her from going any further. She was devastating me with her analysis of Allen’s attraction to me and I needed her to be quiet. I had all the devastation I could handle for one day.
“Ok. I’m just telling you.”
She completed her purchase and we left the store. We walked around the mall for a while before stopping at the food court to eat. I wasn’t very hungry but it didn’t stop Denise from getting her eat on.
“See, that’s why I don’t fall in love,” she teased me, “It makes you not want to eat. Love fills you up, doesn’t it?”
I didn’t know if she was talking about Kenny or Allen. I didn’t even want to go there with her. I just smiled and drank a Dr. Pepper while she devoured her burger and fries.
The drive back home was quiet. We listened to the radio and made small talk. I wasn’t fooling Denise. She knew how I felt about Allen. Just like I wasn’t fooling her mother, she knew too. I wasn’t even fooling Kenny. Even he knew I had feelings for his brother. Hell everyone knew! The only person I was fooling was myself. I was making myself believe that no one could figure it out when, in fact, it was obvious to everyone. It’s a natural fact that when two people are in love, it’s just obvious. It’s nothing they do or don’t do that gives it away. It just manifests itself. There was still one question that remained. If it’s that obvious, did Lisa see it too? I really wanted to know. I figured since I had this rare opportunity with Denise, I might as well ask her.
“Does Lisa know?” I asked abruptly.
“Know what?” Denise asked, surprised.
“That Allen and I have feelings for each other.”
“I thought you said there was nothing between you two.”
“Come on Denise. You said yourself that it was obvious that Allen and I were attracted to each other. I just want to know if Lisa sees what you all see.”
“I think she knows that Allen finds you attractive, if that’s what you mean. I don’t believe she thinks that you have feelings for each other though.”
I continued to drive without a word.
“Nya, are you ok?”
“I’m fine.”
“Nya, you know Allen tells me everything. We talk like that. We’ve always been able to talk like that. We trust each other with our most private matters.”
I felt I knew where she was going with this, but I didn’t want the hear it.
“Nya, Allen called me this morning. He was beside himself.”
It was at that moment that I knew exactly what she was talking about.
“What are you talking about?” I asked, already knowing.
“He told me what happened last night.”
“What was doing, bragging?” I asked sarcastically.
“Ny, that fool is in love with you! He doesn’t give a damn about Kenny, that nigga is in love with you.”
“Denise, why are you telling this?” I asked, crying, “One minute you’re telling me to forget about Allen and that he’s a wife-beater. Then the next minute you’re telling me he’s in love with me. What are you trying to do?”
“I’m trying to tell you that whatever you do, whatever decision you make, don’t base it on something I tell you. Don’t base your choices on anything anyone else tells you, either. You have to listen to your heart. You have to make your own choice. I’m trying to teach you a lesson. Nya, if you leave Kenny to be with Allen, you are going to have a lot to deal with. You are going to have all kinds of folks in your business. Everybody is going to have something to say. You have to be strong. You need to be emotionally prepared to handle the potential criticisms. Stop listening to other motherfuckers!”
“So you’re saying Allen didn’t really hit Lisa?”
“No, he really slapped her ass! I’m just saying that you need to decide how you feel about Allen, knowing that fact. You can’t decide how you feel about him based on how that act is perceived by others. Yeh, he hit his wife, but does that make him a wife-beater? That’s for you to determine.”
“Denise, you don’t think he would tell anyone else about what happened last night, do you?”
“No, Allen wouldn’t do that. He didn’t really want to tell me - and he tells me everything. I kind of dragged it out of him. I knew something was eating away at him and I made him tell me what it was.”
“Good. I don’t want anyone to be hurt by that.”
“Ny, let me tell you one more thing. I love both of my brothers. So, whatever you do, maintain your integrity in all of this. Do right by them both. If you want Allen, you need to deal straight with Kenny. Don’t lead him on and drag this thing out.”
As we pulled up to the house she left me with one prevailing thought.
“You’ve got some choices to make and you have to make them soon”.
We got out of the car and went into the house.
When I walked in the door, the first face I saw was Allen’s. I quickly turned my head and walked to my room. I wasn’t ready to face him - literally or otherwise. I had just been devastated by what Denise had told me. There were a lot of things about Allen that were starting to appear and concern me about him. Just as heavy on my mind was this situation with Akina. I wouldn’t care so much if this was really his child, but I don’t understand how she can be so sure it’s his and he’s so sure it’s not. I could deal with a little baby mama drama in my life, but he had to first acknowledge that it’s his baby - assuming it is. I didn’t really feel like thinking about this right now. I just wanted to go to sleep. I laid down across the bed and dozed off. I’m not sure how long I was sleep, but I was awakened by a disturbing dream. I was deep in a beautiful blue ocean, but I was drowning. There were all kinds of tropical fish around me. I got up and went into the living room, my heart still beating very fast. I must have looked rattled because everyone looked at me strangely. I proceeded to tell them about my dream. When I was finished, everyone sat quietly without a word. Then my mother-in-law announces:
“That means somebody is pregnant.”
“Not me,” I assured her.
“No, it doesn’t have to be you. I could be anybody, but a fish dream means somebody is pregnant.”
Everyone looked at Denise.
“Don’t even think about it,” she insisted, “If I remember anything from health class, it’s that you must have sex to become pregnant. That excludes me.”
It was a silly old wives tale, but Black folks believe very strongly in the fish dream. However, I didn’t lend a whole lot of weight to it. Hell, maybe I just wanted some fish!
Next, everyone’s head turned to Lisa.
“Well,” she said shyly, “We had been trying but we stopped some time ago.”
They had been trying? What the fuck does that mean? Allen is trip! I guess he conveniently forgot the mention that to me. I just wanted to run away. The more I stayed around this house, the more crap I find out about Allen. Maybe Lisa is pregnant. I almost wish she
was so I wouldn’t have to make a decision about Allen. If she’s pregnant, he will just stay with her on default.
I excused myself and went to lay back down. I was tired and I needed to rest. I couldn’t really sleep though. I was half sleep but I could still hear people talking and noise throughout the house. I was in a lucid state of dreaming and couldn’t really distinguish between what was in my dreams and what was happening in the house. Still, I had to rest. I had been up most of last night and my body was trying to shut down on me.
I woke up about an hour later and walked into the living room. Everyone was gone. It was very unusual. In fact, the whole time I’ve been married to Kenny and coming here to visit, I have never seen this house empty. There is always someone here. But this time there wasn’t. I laid down on the couch and turned on the television. It was late afternoon and I was struggling to find something at least halfway decent to watch. I tried to think of where everyone could have gone. Tomorrow was Kenny’s birthday and Thanksgiving would be in a few more days. Maybe they went grocery shopping or something. I started thinking about Allen and all the things that had come out since we had been here in Mississippi. When we were in Colorado, everything was so perfect. It was like a fantasy. Now we get to his hometown and all the dirty laundry comes out. I couldn’t help but think about Akina and wonder what his relationship was like with her. As the story goes, he was very much in love with her. I imagine she was probably very beautiful back in the day but when I saw her she looked tired and aged. You could see traces of beauty trying to peer out from behind those tired, baggy eyes. The creases in the forehead were starting to show and the subtle lines around the mouth were certainly manifest. Not to mention she was grossly overweight for her height. Her hair was cut short and simple. I don’t imagine there is much time or money to get your hair done when you have all those children. Even with all that, I wonder if Allen wouldn’t start reminiscing about their relationship if he saw her again. After all, love is blind. If he really loved her, he wouldn’t care how she looked. He’s not like Kenny. Kenny is all about the show: Light skin, long hair, size 2! Allen is deeper than that. I mean, I know he likes attractive people too, but he has the ability to see beyond the physical - Kenny does not. I know one thing, she probably would love to get her little chunky hands on Allen again. I guess she sees that the grass is a lot browner on her side of the fence and now she wants to come back to the green pastures. I wondered if there were any old pictures of her and Allen in the house anywhere.
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