I really didn’t know where everyone was or how long they would be gone but I really wanted to look for old photos. I knew the family albums were in the library off of the family room, but there were so many of them from so many years, it could take hours just to find what I was looking for. I decided that I had to know. I went into the library and began to search for the books I was looking for. I skipped over the ones that were dusty an obviously too old to contain any pictures of Allen and Akina. I still, however, had to look through dozens more before I got to the teenage years of the children. I wasn’t surprised to find numerous pictures of Kenny with different girls. He must have attended about 30 proms, dances, and balls in his 4 years in high school. There were a lot of girls in Kenny’s past. I wasn’t surprised to not find any pictures of Denise with any boys. She was man hater as far back as anyone could remember. I looked through pages and pages of pictures until I finally came to one of Allen. I could hardly believe what I was looking at. The girl on the picture resembled me so much that it was frightening. It was like I was looking in a mirror. It was definitely Akina. She was absolutely stunning on the picture. I couldn’t believe it was the same girl who came over the other day and made me curse her out. I sat there staring at the picture, as if it were going to tell me a story. I continued to flip through the pages and there were more pictures of them - lots more. They must have been so in love. I could just imagine them in high school. I bet they were that couple that everyone thought was going to get married. They probably walked the halls wearing sweat shirts with each other’s names on the back. I hated her. I hated her for having Allen. I hated her for something that I had no control over. I couldn’t help but think that it was such a waste of love! I was sitting there in shock. I must have been pretty mesmerized, because I didn’t even hear the front door open. Before I knew what was going on, Allen was standing in the doorway looking down at me sitting on the floor with a mess of photo albums scattered around me. I must have looked like a kid who got into the baby powder and sprinkled it everywhere.
“What are you doing?” He asked.
“Just looking at the family pictures.”
“More specifically...”
“I just wanted to see what she used to look like.”
“You wanted to see if she was prettier than you?”
“Something like that.”
“Nya, no one is prettier than you. But don’t you get it? That’s not what makes you so attractive. What makes you attractive is your confidence and your determination. The fact that you sling hair all over the place is just gravy!”
“Thank you. But I’m not worried about her being prettier than me. I’m worried about you loving her more than me.”
“That ship has sailed.”
“Allen, I heard something today that really disturbed me. I hate to put other people in a bad position, but Denise told me something that really concerned me.”
“Ny, I already know what you are going to say. Listen, if you want to know anything about me, you need to ask me - stop listening to other people.”
“That’s what I’m doing now,” I told him.
I looked up at him to confront him about hitting Lisa, but all I could do was stare into his warm brown eyes. I wanted him so badly. All I could think about was how he fucked me so well the night before. I wasn’t ready to ask him about Lisa. I needed to get away from him before I did something I would surely regret.
“Where is everyone?” I asked, trying to change the subject.
“They drove to Aberdeen to see Chucky and Lilly.”
“That’s more than an hour’s drive, isn’t it?”
“It depends on who’s driving. Why do you ask?”
“I just wanted to know.”
“Well, if you want to kiss me, go ahead. No one will be here for a while,” He joked.
“I wouldn’t kiss you if..,” I started.
“If what?” He asked defensively.
“Nothing.”
“Nya, why didn’t you sleep with me when you were in Denver? I know you wanted to.”
“Whatever! You don’t know anything.”
“You didn’t want me to think you were easy? Is that it?”
“I didn’t sleep with you because I’m married. And besides, I didn’t want to.”
“Liar. You know you wanted it. Just like you wanted it last night. Just like you want it right now. That’s why you wanted to know when everyone would be home.”
“You are so stupid! I don’t want to sleep with you. You just made all that up in your head because you can’t stand to be around me for one minute without your little ding-a-ling getting stiff! Grow up and get a life!”
I started walking toward my room.
“Nya wait. I’m sorry.”
“Allen, you need some serious help. What has gotten into you?”
“You. You are what’s gotten into me. I haven’t been able to think straight since you left Denver. Ny, I’m in love with you and not having you is killing me. It’s causing me to act very stupid and make bad decisions. You’ve got to believe me, I don’t act like this. I’m not like...”
“Like who? Like Kenny? Is that what you were going to say? Well, at least Kenny doesn’t hit his wife.”
“Neither do I.”
“Don’t lie, Allen. Denise told me you hit Lisa.”
“I didn’t hit Lisa. I slapped her.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize there was a difference,” I said sarcastically.
“Well, there is. Lisa was hysterical. I was trying to calm her down.”
“Calm her down from what?”
“I’m not ready to talk about that right now, but believe me when I tell you that I was trying to help her. I would never hit my wife in anger. Nya, you’ve got to believe me. I don’t know what kind of person you think I am, but I wasn’t brought up that way. There is nothing Lisa could do to make me hit her in anger.”
“Then why would she want to leave you? If you didn’t beat her, why would she want a divorce?”
“Nya, I can see you have your facts all mixed up. You assumed that Lisa wanted to leave me because I hit her and that is not true. Look, there’s a lot that I’m not ready to talk about with you right now, only because it’s not fair to Lisa. As I told you before, Lisa wanted to leave not because of me, but because of her. It was something she wanted. When it’s the right time, I will tell you everything. But now is not the right time. If you want to be with me, you need to make decisions for yourself and stop relying on information you get second hand. I would never do anything to hurt you, Ny. I only want to love you. I would treat you well and give you everything your heart desired and I would never do anything to lose your trust or respect. Now, do you believe me? Ny, are you ready for that kind of life?”
“I’m ready. Where do I sign up?” I joked.
“Seriously, Ny, the first thing we need to do is tell Kenny and Lisa how we feel. It’s time to tell everyone that we want to be together. I can’t wait much longer. I have to have you, in every way. I want your mind, heart, body, soul, and spirit. I want it all. I want us to share a life together. I want that life to start right now. This is the last holiday I want to spend at this house with Lisa. The next time I come here, I want it to be with you. Are you ready to take that step? Are you able to let go of Kenny. Are you ready to be Mrs. Reilly?”
“I am Mrs. Reilly,” I reminded him.
“Are you ready to be the real Mrs. Reilly? Mrs. Allen Reilly?”
“As long as I don’t have to change my name,” I insisted.
“You’re crazy. Do you realize that?” He joked.
“Allen, seriously, don’t you think it’s a bit soon to be making this big announcement?”
“Ny, what are we waiting for? Nya, now that I’ve felt what it’s like to be inside you, I can’t wait anymore. I want to feel that for the rest of my life. Can you understand how I feel? I was kind of hoping you felt that way too.”
“I do. It’s just that the
re are so many unanswered questions, Allen. I’m afraid to make this decision without knowing all the facts. I don’t know everything there is to know about you.”
“Ny, the only thing you need to know is that I will love you, protect you, take care of you, be supportive of you, believe in you, never leave you lonely, never lie to you, never cheat on you, always respect you, always protect your honor, never let anyone or anything hurt you, and never let you or our children want for anything in this world. I will give you any and everything your heart desires. I will make good love to you and take care of all of your physical needs. You will never hurt or feel any pain. You will never have a need or a care in the world. Now, all of those things, you already know about me. What else do you need to know?”
I stood there with my mouth wide open. He had covered everything, and he was right. I did know all of those things about him. I don’t know what I was afraid of. I guess I just didn’t want to hurt Kenny. That had to be it. Allen was everything I ever dreamed of and he was asking me to be with him for the rest of our lives. I had to be crazy to stall on such a lucrative offer. Sure, I had my concerns about Akina, but overall, that didn’t factor much into the equation. I was afraid. Maybe I was afraid to be happy. Maybe I liked drama and uncertainty. It was what I had always known and it was familiar to me. This fantasy life that Allen was offering me seemed too good to be true. Maybe I wasn’t ready for true love and happiness.
“Allen, I have an idea. Let’s get through the rest of this holiday. Our emotions are running high right now and we make be making decisions in haste. If we still feel the same way a month from now when we come back here for the Christmas holiday, then we will tell everyone. That will give us time to sort out our feelings for our respective spouses, as well as our feelings for each other.”
“I know I’ll still feel the same way, maybe even stronger. But, I’ll give you until then to realize for once and for all that Kenny is not the man for you. Ny, after that, I can’t promise you that I will be willing to wait. You have to make up your mind. If you don’t want this life I’m offering you, I’ll have to start looking for someone else. My relationship with Lisa is over and I need someone to come home to every night and give this good loving to.”
I felt a chill run down my spine. He said that as if it were his second job to administer good loving to his wife. It was a job that he took very seriously. I would love to be on the receiving end of that loving he was giving out.
“I promise. We will tell everyone at Christmas - provided we still feel the same way about each other.”
The front door opened and Denise walked into the house. She started down the hall and saw us sitting in the library.
“What are you two doing?”
“Looking at old family pictures.”
Denise came into the library and sat down between us. She grabbed a book and started flipping through the pages.
“Nya, you’ve never seen any of these before, have you?” she asked me.
“No, I was just started to flip through them. Where is everyone else?”
“They’re right behind me. I just thought I might need to come in first and make sure nothing was going on.”
“Like what?” I asked.
“Like smoochie-smoochie,” she laughed.
“That’s not funny, Denise.”
“No, it’s not funny. But I was right. You two are nestled all up in here like Mama and Papa bear.”
“We are not nestled, we were just looking at pictures.”
“Nya, just take your ass in the back bedroom and act like you were watching TV or something. Please don’t give these people any more to talk about or speculate.”
I walked to the back and turned on the television. Soon I heard the front door open again and more voices poured into the house. I stayed in the back and watched television for a while. I could hear pots and pans starting to rattle and soon the delicious smells from the kitchen filled the house. It was starting to smell and sound like the holidays.
The next day was Kenny’s birthday and it was always a big deal every year. He was a spoiled brat when it came to things like that and everyone knew it. We all dreaded it, but it was too deeply ingrained in him that we should go all out for it. He loved receiving gifts and he loved everyone making a big deal over him turning a year older. It was ridiculous to me because it was always so close to Thanksgiving. In fact one year, it was actually on Thanksgiving. He didn’t care. He wanted a separate birthday dinner and cake, in addition to the regular Thanksgiving feast and desserts. It was too much for me, that’s why we always came to his mother’s house during the holidays. My family wasn’t about to go through all of that hoopla for his spoiled ass! They might give him a slice of turkey and a piece of mince pie and tell him to get over himself. I mean, my parents adored Kenny, but they felt I was contributing to his spoiled behavior by catering to him. I admit, I do a lot for Kenny, but that’s because I always saw my mother cater to my father. He got the royal treatment and he was very gracious. My husband on the other hand, he thinks that’s a woman’s job and she should work incessantly to please her man without expecting the least amount of gratitude.
The funniest part about Kenny’s birthday to me is the actual amount of time he spends with us on his birthday. I mean he’s here just long enough to receive his gifts and eat. After that, he hits the streets and we usually don’t see him until the following day. But, that’s Kenny. He does that on every other day, so why should this day be any different?
It did my heart good to see Kenny having a great time and enjoying his day, but all I could do was look across the room and think about how much I loved his brother. I mean, I loved Kenny, but I haven’t been in love with him for the longest time. I try to remember what it was like to be head over heels for him, but each time I think about it, all I do is remember all the ugly things he’s said to me. I think about how selfish and unsupportive he has been. I think about how he never wants me to achieve my dreams, how he just wants me to be complacent and live day to day like him. He doesn’t want me to be happy, he just wants me to make him happy and I just can’t sacrifice my own happiness so he can achieve his. The sad part is that Kenny may never find happiness in someone else because he’s not happy with himself. He’s too afraid of failure to set goals for himself. He’s perfectly happy taking whatever life dishes out to him. As for me, I’m not happy with just making it. I want to make it happen. Allen is the one that sparks that flame in me. He makes me want something. He makes me feel like I can do anything. He’s the man I want to share my life with. Now, the only thing I have to do is tell my husband that I don’t want him anymore. The last thing I want to do is crush him, but when I think about the pain he has caused me, telling me I couldn’t be successful in my own business, I don’t really care about his feelings. It’s all about me now. I gave Kenny a chance and he blew it. Now he’s about to be ass-out. My biggest concern is what this will do to Kenny’s relationship with Allen. I know that they have had their difficulties, but this would be a devastating blow for Kenny if Allen were to take the one thing Kenny has on him. All of Allen’s money can’t buy him a wife like me and Kenny knows it. It would kill Kenny to find out that Allen could have it for free. Although I care about my relationship with Allen impacting Kenny and the family, if Allen is fine with it, then I can live with it too. I can honestly say that I would be able to live my life married to Allen and still look Kenny straight in the face. The reason I can do that is because I know that I haven’t done anything wrong. I have been faithful to Kenny and real with him. Hell, I even told him that I had feelings for his brother. I don’t know if he took that to heart or if he thought it was just something I was saying to upset him. Still, I hope he’s able to handle the big news that I want be marry Allen. If God is willing, a month from now, Allen and I will make our big announcement. I just hope everyone is ready for the news. I just hope nothing happens between now and then. Regardless of whether anything happens or not, the only thing that c
ould keep me from declaring my love for Allen in front of everyone would be if Allen says he doesn’t want me. I pray that his feelings don’t change because I need him in my life. I need to have this life with him. I have waited my whole life for someone like Allen and it would be an injurious blow for him to change his mind at the last minute. I hope he doesn’t develop some kind of sympathy for his brother and back out on me. I would just have to remind him of all the self-serving things Kenny has done to make Allen’s life miserable. The fact is that Kenny deserves to be hurt. No one is doing it on purpose, but if it’s an after-effect of our decision to be with each other, then Kenny will just have to live with it. Allen is my choice and nothing can change my mind now.
It was late into the evening by now and I was helping my mother-in-law clean up. Practically everyone scattered when the festivities began to wind down because they were afraid they might be summoned to help clean up. I didn’t though. I knew it was part of my job and I knew it was expected of me. Kenny had gotten everything he wanted for his birthday and more and I was left to pick up the torn wrapping paper and boxes that his gifts came in. He was in the back putting on his new clothes and getting ready to step out. He was going to take his youngest brother, Alex, to the nightclub for the very first time. Alex had just turned 21 a few months back and he was itching to get inside of a bar. Kenny was the obvious choice to take him. He was the party boy who knew everyone and everything when it came to the night life. We hadn’t seen much of Alex since we had been in town. He had a new girlfriend who had her own trailer and Alex had been staying with her. There was a lot of buzz around town because she was a White girl living in a trailer park and was much older than him. Many people thought he could do better than her, but if that’s what he wants, who are we to judge? I said something to that effect once, and I was told by the family that I was just standing up for her because she was White. Personally, I don’t know the girl and don’t give damn what color she is, I just think motherfuckers ought to stay out of other people’s business. If she makes him happy, then why should we be all in his shit? That boy is grown and can make decisions for himself.
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