The Nanny's Secret

by Kiersten Modglin

  “Except why would Orrick want Olivia in that room?” I fill in the blank. My husband’s office is sacred. Even I’m rarely allowed in there, and except for a weekly sweep for recording devices across the entire house, office included, and a check for malware on his computer, AJ, Warren, and Greg are kept out as well. I can’t even recall the last time it was cleaned.

  “Exactly. It wasn’t there last week, and there have been two unusual guests this week, Cathrine on Saturday and Olivia today. It had to be one of them.”

  “What do you think they heard?”

  He shrugs one shoulder. “Probably nothing. Like you said, he’s not in his office often.”

  I nod and try to shove the worry away as it tears at my insides. “Olivia passed every background check imaginable. She came highly recommended.”

  “Do you want me to ask Warren to delete her security code?” he asks, like it’s that simple.

  “Not if Orrick says she had a reason.” A flicker of apprehension courses through my veins. “Did he say why?”

  “He didn’t. Warren didn’t pry.”

  A war of emotions rages through me as I stare at the pensive shimmer in the shadow of his dark eyes. “Do you think that he and Olivia are…involved?”

  He runs his tongue over his front teeth, otherwise unmoving. “I think it’s possible, yes.”

  “Has Warren…seen anything?”

  “No,” he says, too quickly. “And, even if he does, you know he won’t tell me. Or you.” He pauses, and I’m extremely aware of his hand on my knee. “For the same reasons he never told Orrick about us.” Something flickers far back in his eyes, and I know the memories are starting to surface for him like they are me.

  My breath catches in my throat as I try to find the words to wade around his statement. “I—they won’t be what…what we were. She’s a child.”

  “Is that what scares you? That someone might love him like I loved you?” I swallow, my whole body going cold at his words. He closes the laptop, pushing it to the side. Don’t come any closer. The fact that he said loved, past tense, doesn’t get past me. I fight back against the bitterness growing in my chest. How dare he say something like that. How dare he bring up his feelings when he chastised me for mentioning our relationship at all.

  “She doesn’t know him,” I insist, old fears and insecurities resurfacing under the scrutiny of his gaze. I don’t know what to feel—my emotions suddenly at war inside me. Olivia can’t possibly love Orrick, and AJ shouldn’t love me anymore, so why is he staring at me like he is?

  “I didn’t know you once, Iris. I think we all know that doesn’t matter.”

  “Once?” I ask, though it lacks power. Power that I’ve handed over to him via the intense eye contact I can’t seem to break. “You don’t know me anymore, AJ. What we had was fleeting…”

  He shakes his head, and the pit of my stomach tingles as his gaze rakes over me. “I do know you, Iris. I’ll always know you.” He leans forward, and I recognize the longing in his eyes. Can I resist him? The answer comes with a rapid thud of my pulse, a swooping pull somewhere very low in my belly. “I know the way you feel in my hands.” As if to demonstrate, he slides his palm up my thigh, gripping my hip. “I know the way you look at me when you’re seconds from release.” My body tenses with desire. “I know the way you taste.” He leans forward, nipping at the air in front of my lips, but not connecting. I’m frozen, powerless, as his hands slip up my body ever so slowly.

  “AJ, I…”

  “Say you don’t want it,” he whispers, his hand sliding over the smooth plane of my back as he lays me down. “Say you don’t want me.” We both know I can’t. It would be a lie of the largest proportions. It’s been nine years since I tasted him, since I kissed his lips, since I felt his stubble across my skin. His hand cups my breast, and he lets out a breath before our lips collide.

  It’s there, in his kiss, the remembrance of every day I spent loving him, every moment I spent wanting him, every night I spent crying over him. With it comes throes of grief and ripples of ecstasy.

  None of it matters in that moment, nothing but him and me.

  Our lips.

  Our touch.

  Together, we sink into a vaguely familiar pattern, and I let myself drown in it without a second thought.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Olivia

  Iris returns home on Thursday, and by Sunday, Orrick and I are still awkwardly pretending nothing happened between us. I wonder if she knows, because when she looks at me, I swear I see something vaguely like suspicion in her eyes, but I put on a smile and go right on pretending.

  We’re fine.

  I’m fine.

  Everything’s fine.

  Like the last two Sundays, and every Sunday for the foreseeable future apparently, the Lockes have a meeting they’re attending this afternoon, so it’s just John and me in the house. I like it that way. There’s less pressure. Less worry.

  “So, what do you want to do today?” I ask, plopping down in the chair next to him at the kitchen table after refilling his orange juice. He takes another sip, wiping his mouth with the cloth napkin before answering.

  “Could we go exploring?” he asks, his eyes bright and his wide, toothless grin exposed.

  “Exploring? Where would you like to go exploring?” I pop a piece of toast into my mouth, tucking a leg up under me in the chair.

  “The woods,” he points toward the back of the house. “Dad and I used to go a lot, but he never has time anymore.”

  “I don’t know…” I recall the warning that Iris gave me about John disappearing into the woods during my interview. “I think your mom would prefer that we stay in the yard. I’ll help you explore there if you like.”

  He groans, propping the side of his head on his palm. “I already know everything that’s there.” He’s spoiled, there’s no question. The boy has a yard most kids dream of, but still he wants more. “What if AJ goes with us? Would it be okay, then? He’ll keep us safe!” Without waiting for an answer, he leans his head around me and shouts toward the open doorway. “AJ!”

  “Hang on a moment, John. AJ, I’m sure, has so much more to do than go exploring with us,” I say.

  “No way,” he says, shaking his head. “AJ’s the coolest. You’ll see.”

  “Okay,” I say finally, still feeling uneasy. “If AJ can go, we can explore the edge of the woods. But you have to promise you’ll stay right with me.”

  “I promise,” he says enthusiastically, clapping his hands.

  “And you have to finish your breakfast.” I point to the untouched eggs on his plate.

  He nods dutifully, lifting his fork and raking the food into his mouth. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him so excited.

  I laugh. “Slow down, John. We aren’t going to get there any faster if you’ve choked.”

  I hear heavy footsteps coming our direction, and when I look behind me toward the door, AJ is standing there. “You…yelled for me?”

  John nods, his cheeks full of fluffy, yellow eggs. When he swallows, he says, “Olivia says we can go explore the woods if you’ll go with us.”

  AJ’s eyes flick to me. “Olivia says—”

  “Will you?” John demands. “Please?”

  He looks back at John, then at me again, and I’m sure he’s going to say no. He has work to do. His job isn’t to keep John entertained, only to keep him safe. I wait.

  “Please, please, please, AJ?” John begs, his hands clasped in front of his chest. “Please? I promise I’ll be good and stay right with you.”

  AJ sighs, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “When are you going?”

  “Yes!” John cries, his arms skyward in triumph. “Right after breakfast.”

  AJ looks at me, his expression curious. “You don’t have to go if you’re busy,” I offer. “Iris says he tries to run off to the woods, so I don’t want to go if it’s going to cause an issue.”

  “But I promise I won’t. I’ll stay right with you
both. Cross my heart, hope to die.” John draws an ‘X’ on his chest with a finger, then shoves his clean plate forward, chugging the rest of his orange juice. “Can we go now?”

  “Why don’t you go ahead upstairs and get dressed?” AJ says, chuckling as John darts past him. I stand, lifting his plate and glass and carrying them to the kitchen, led by AJ.

  “Are you sure you have the time?” I ask.

  “No,” he says, “but I’ll always make time for him.”

  I stare at him with confusion, placing the dishes in the sink and turning on the sprayer to rinse them clean for Maya, Ruby, or Norma, whoever would have to clean them.

  “He’s a good boy,” I say, shutting off the water and drying my hands on the towel hanging over the front of the sink.

  He nods sharply before he looks at me. “Yeah, he is. He always has been.”

  “Have you…known him all of his life?”

  The smile is small on his lips, but it’s there. “Every minute.”

  John’s door upstairs slams, and he runs down, dressed in basketball shorts and a loose T-shirt. Dressed like this, he looks like any other kid. This is how I like to see him, happy and carefree. Able to just be a child without being Orrick and Iris Locke’s child.

  “Are you guys ready?” he asks, racing into the kitchen.

  AJ leads the way without a word, heading down the long hallway to our left and out the side door. He pulls out his phone when we get outside, typing something quickly before sliding it back into his pocket.

  True to his word, John stays close between us, though I can see he is itching to move ahead. Amos is sitting outside his cottage in a worn, brown rocking chair, the silver flask in his hand glinting in the sun. I throw a hand over my head and wave at him, and he offers two fingers in the air in return.

  “Johnny, are you excited to be out of school? How are you going to spend your summer?” AJ’s voice fills the silence.

  John casts a glance his way, one eye squinting from the sun. “Oh, yeah. I’m going to…” He holds up fingers as he lists his tasks. “Eat snacks, play video games, and…watch YouTube videos.”

  “Are you still into those videos of kids playing with toys?” AJ grabs a stick from the ground as we walk, breaking it into tiny pieces and tossing them, one by one, across the yard.

  “Yep.” He’s quiet, but then adds, “They’re my favorite.”

  “Wouldn’t you rather just play with the toys yourself?” AJ asks, joking.

  “No,” John says.

  “Why not? What’s the fun in watching other kids play?”

  “You watch sports,” John pointed out. “Wouldn’t you rather play?”

  AJ’s brows shoot up, obviously impressed. “Good point. So, what was your favorite subject last year? Your mom says you did well in spelling.”

  “I did okay,” John says, bending down to pick a dandelion and blow the white fuzz from its bud. “English and spelling are boring.”

  “I hear you. Math and science were always my favorites,” AJ says.

  John’s eyes light up, and a cheeky grin spreads across his face as he tosses the bare stem of the flower back to the ground. “Those are my favorites, too! I’m the best in my class at two-digit addition.”

  “Oh yeah?” AJ asks, his eyes mockingly wide. “That’s amazing, bud.” He holds out a hand and John slaps it with a high five.

  I watch them, falling slightly behind, though my absence isn’t noticed. The way AJ looks at him is incredible, so much love and admiration in his sparkling, honey eyes. It’s the most approachable I’ve seen him look since I started.

  There’s something else, though. It’s in the way they walk, the way they carry their shoulders. I’m noticing it for the first time, the way their dark hair curls in a similar cowlick at the base of their skull, the way their left shoulders are slightly higher than their right and the way they walk with almost identical hip motions.

  If I didn’t know any better, I’d think AJ’s relationship with John was more than just as an employee of his family.

  “You coming?” John asks, looking back at me. AJ follows his gaze and, from that angle, they are nearly twins. Except for Iris’ blue eyes, John’s the spitting image of AJ, with just enough of Orrick to make me question it. The roundness of his face, which I’ve always attributed to being so young, doesn’t match his parents’ long, angular faces. Instead, it is a dead ringer for the round shape that AJ hides behind his facial hair.

  “Yep,” I say, hurrying to catch up with them, my heart pounding with adrenaline as I ponder what I’ve discovered. Orrick said Iris has had several affairs; could AJ have been one of the men? It’s so diabolical. Why would Orrick keep him employed? And if I’m right about John, does anyone but Iris know?

  Finally, I’m stumbling onto some secrets.

  Once we hit the treeline, I reach for a tree with a low-hanging branch, placing my foot on its bark. “John, come climb this tree with me,” I say, waving him toward me. He looks skeptical.

  “I don’t know…”

  “Come on,” I tell him, hoisting myself up. “When I was your age, climbing trees was my favorite thing to do.” I reach for the next branch, getting up higher. “There’s nothing in the world like being up here.”

  AJ’s looking at me like I’ve lost my mind, but I don’t care. I’ve missed this feeling. I go for the third branch, several feet above their heads now, and swing my legs over, like I’m riding a horse. The branch scrapes my skin in a familiar way, and I’m sticky from sap and dirty from the tree itself, but I’m grinning from ear to ear. Happiness. This is what it feels like. I’d almost forgotten.

  I look back down to where John is still looking up at me with apprehension, and I feel sorry for him. Sorry that no one has ever played with him like this, that he hasn’t learned about the simple pleasures of childhood. I climb down a branch at a time and jump to the ground. When I turn around to face him, after dusting off the seat of my pants, I hold out my hand. “Come on, I promise I won’t let you get hurt.”

  To my surprise, AJ steps forward, standing on the opposite side of the branch. “It’s okay, Johnny. We’re right here.”

  John puts his hand in mine, keeping a careful eye on AJ. “Put one foot on the tree and grab hold of this branch here,” I tell him, placing his small hand on the branch. He pulls up without much coercion, and I lift his weight, pushing him up to sit on the branch. He looks fearful, yet a smile forms on his mouth.

  “I’m as tall as you now, AJ,” he cries, looking down at the ground and then back up to us.

  AJ nods. “You are.”

  “See? I told you it was fun.” I giggle, hoisting myself up to sit just behind him. “Do you want to go higher?” I pat the branch to our left just a few feet higher than we are right now.

  He eyes it. “Is it safe?”

  “I’ll be right here with you,” I promise. The tree is sturdy, with many thick branches. It’s the kind of place I would’ve spent hours as a child.

  “How do I get there?” he asks.

  I reach for his waist, and AJ’s hands go up instinctively, standing just under him as I show him to reach for the branch and lean his weight, pulling his leg up at the last minute. He grasps the branch with pride and sits up, looking down at me. “Woohoo!” he cries out, one triumphant hand in the air.

  “You did it!” I tell him, clapping my hands together.

  “I’m so high up. I can see everything!” His eyes are filled with wonder as he looks around the forest. AJ seems uneasy, but he’s watching the boy with a glimmer of joy in his eyes as well.

  We stay in the tree for the next few minutes, my eyes trained on John as he rattles off people he’s taller than at this moment. Ms. Greenberg, Iron Man, Billy G, Billy S, my dad, AJ, Warren, Greg, Lily, Coach Dylan, The Hulk—just to name a few.

  When we finally climb down, John hugs me tight, squeezing my legs. I bend down to hug him back. “Thank you, Liv. That was awesome.”

  “It was pretty awesome,�
� I agree. “Thank you for being brave and climbing with me.” I stand back up and John jogs away from me, overturning rocks near the tree to look for bugs. AJ and I stand close by, watching as he gets excited every time he finds a worm and holds it up proudly to show it off. He’s so childlike in this moment, so full of pure joy, it’s almost intoxicating and, for the first time, I start to question my motives.

  Am I here for the right reasons?

  “I’d never have pictured Iris’ son picking up bugs,” I say to AJ. The animation leaves his face in an instant.

  “I’d never have pictured you climbing a tree,” he says with a solemn laugh. “When he was young, I used to bring him out here to play in the mud. It was like his own private fortress. He loved the ‘squirmy worms’ as he’d call them. Iris put an end to it when he started bringing them home in his pockets.”

  An easy smile plays at the corners of my mouth as I try to picture Iris removing worms from John’s pant pockets.

  “He really seems to favor you, AJ. I didn’t realize you two were so close.” The mystery in his eyes beckons to me, waiting to be solved. His expression is somber.

  “He’s always been my guy,” he says, and there’s a forced casualness to his tone that doesn’t evade me.

  “He…he looks like you, too,” I whisper, pointing to my forehead. “Same face shape and similar mouth.” I pause as he looks away from me hastily.

  “No, he doesn’t. He favors Iris a lot, but there’s some Orrick in there. None of me.” His tone is emotionless, though when he looks back to John and I can see his profile once more, there’s a defeat in his expression that forms a lump in my stomach.

  I tip my face to the hint of sun peeking through the towering trees, but I don’t say any more. I won’t press my luck with him. This is the most AJ has ever spoken to me, aside from when he added me to the alarm console on my first day, and I don’t want to anger him, even if I do suspect he’s being dishonest.