by Nancy Adams
Katie Lou chuckled. “Yeah, I'm pretty sure my dad wouldn't be too happy about it, either. He'd probably tell me you were sucking up to try to get the money back.”
“I don't care about that money,” Darren said, waving a hand in dismissal. “Frankly, if I had been your attorney, I would have advised you to hold out for more. You would've gotten it.”
They sat in silence for a few moments, and then Katie Lou looked him in the eye. "Darren, do you really believe there's any sense in us trying again? I'll be honest, and I don't know if I can get over the hurt. When you called, it hit me that I still have some feelings for you, and of course I still remember the good times, but that doesn't change the fact that you hurt me very badly. Even if you did it a moment of weakness, even if it was a mistake, how am I to believe that something like it won't happen again? How can I be sure of that?”
“I don't know how to answer that,” Darren said. “The only thing I can tell you is this: that if you give me another chance, I'm going to do everything I can to make sure I never, ever hurt you again.”
Their food appeared then, and they both dug in and began to eat. The little talking they did was about how wonderful the food was, and even most of that was done with moans of delight. There are only so many ways to say that something tastes wonderful, after all.
When they were finished eating, and their plates had been taken away, each of them chose a coffee for dessert as they sat there and continued to discuss the possibilities—or lack thereof—of their future together.
“A part of me can't believe that you're even here,” Darren said. “That's the part of me that knows I don't deserve a second chance, and I have to keep shouting it down. I have to keep hoping and praying that you’ll give me one, anyway. If I lose that hope, I don't know what will keep me going.”
Katie shot him a glare. “Okay, let's get one thing straight,” she said, her voice cold and stern. “Whatever happens, you brought this on yourself. You're not going to make me feel guilty; that's not going to happen. If you start that, 'if we can't try again, I'll kill myself,' crap, I'll get up and walk away. One thing I'm not going to put up with is any kind of emotional blackmail, do you understand that?”
“I didn't mean it that way,” Darren said, his voice almost a whisper. “All I’m trying to say is that I haven't made any plans past this moment. I've got everything invested in this chance to ask you to try again.”
Katie looked him in the eye, but said nothing for a few moments. When she finally did speak, it was softly.
“Darren, you should know that there's someone else I've been thinking about. When I say thinking about, I mean that he and I—well, we like each other, a lot. You just happened to call at a moment when I was feeling really down, or we probably wouldn't be sitting here.”
Darren swallowed. “Is it—is it really serious, between you and this guy?”
“Were the feelings serious? I have to say they were, yes, but if you're trying to ask if I've slept with him, the answer is no. We haven't gotten to that point, but if I said I hadn't thought about it, I'd be lying.”
Darren shrugged, and Katie could tell that it was painful for him. “Look, no matter what, I can't blame you for any of this. If there's someone else you want more, then I can only hold myself responsible.”
“At the moment, I'm not sure what I want, Darren. I was in love with you, and that isn't something you just throw away lightly. I can't just flip a switch and turn off those feelings, but at the same time, I can't flip a switch and turn off the feelings that have been building between me and—someone else. Do I want us to try again? Part of me would say yes, but the other part would say no, no, that I should run away screaming. Do I want to move forward with this other relationship? Again, part of me does, but another part says I should make sure that I'm ready to move on before I try to do so. Does any of that make sense?”
“Yes, of course it does. Katie Lou, if there's one thing I know about you, it's that you are one of the most honest and loving people I have ever known. All I can do is hope and pray that when you make a final choice on this, that it will be for us. That we can get past what happened, and build a life together. I meant what I said—I would much rather be with you and work in some rinky-dink law firm than be President of the United States without you. I don't think my political ambitions were ever all that important to you, anyway, am I right?”
Katie Lou grinned. “Well, I always wondered how I’d fit in, trying to rub elbows with all those politicians' wives. That just didn't seem like me, you know what I mean?”
“You would have done great. You have such a natural charm and grace and poise about you, it wouldn't have been long before they would all have been looking to you to set the standard for what a politician's wife should be.”
Katie Lou rolled her eyes. “Okay, I'm already here, you don't have to flatter me. Darren, remember, you're the one who went to the big-city law school. Me, I'm just a small-town girl, and that's all I'm ever really going to be. And just so you know, I'm about to open my own counseling practice. I got the degree, and I decided to specialize in counseling people with disabilities. I think what's happened has given me a perspective that will help me to empathize, to know what they're feeling. I think that will make me better at what I do.”
Darren smiled. “I think that's a wonderful idea, and I mean that sincerely. You've always had a knack for knowing how to make people feel better, even before you got your degree. I think it's a wonderful idea to put that talent to work helping people in the same circumstances that you were in.”
“Well, I'm glad you approve, but that wasn't why I told you about it. I'm planning to open my practice in Maxwell, so no matter what happens between us, I'm not planning to leave here. That doesn't mean I wouldn't, I guess, just that I'm starting to structure my life, and I'm structuring it right here in this part of Missouri.”
Darren shrugged again, but this time he had a smile on his face. “Hey, I could always open a private practice, myself. Or maybe, if I tried, I could get one of the firms in Maxwell to take me on.”
“I'm sure you could,” Katie Lou said. “Darren, I think you can do anything you set your mind to. That's never been anything I worried about. The only question in my mind is whether you would be content to just stay here in the local area. I'm pretty sure I can be, because I don't have any grand ambitions. I'm not worried about trying to be something special, I just want to be who I am. Does that make sense?”
“Of course it does, honey,” Darren said. “One of the things that I've always loved about you is that, despite the fact that you're one of the most intelligent people I've ever known, you're also one of the most simplistic people. You don't look for ways to use people, the way most people do. You look for ways to help them, ways to show them that you care. You don't have to be famous, or live in a mansion somewhere in order to do that. You just have to have a heart. And Katie Lou, if there's one thing that can be said for you, it's that you have the biggest heart I've ever known.”
Katie Lou allowed herself a smile, accepting the praise that he was lavishing onto her. She knew that he was right; the one thing she always wanted to do was help others, and there was something deep inside of her that was certain she had finally found her calling. Her decision to use both her education and her experience to counsel others who were going through physical handicaps had been so right that it hadn't required any serious thought at all. She simply knew that it was the right choice to make, and so she followed her heart on the matter.
“But that didn't answer my question. Could you really be content, staying here in the Ozarks? Handling divorce cases and real estate deals? The occasional criminal defense?”
There was a brief moment of hesitation that crossed Darren's face, but then he broke into a big smile. “Katie Lou, I can be content anywhere if I'm with you. That much I know, now. I know it because I've been so miserable for this time that I've been without you, because I couldn't even manage to go on living without
you. I used to think that I'd be successful when I won my first Senate seat, or maybe ran for governor, but I've had to rethink my definition of success. I can't be successful anywhere if I'm not happy and satisfied on a personal level, and in order to have that, I need to be with you.”
Katie Lou just stared at him for a few seconds. “And what happens if I say no, Darren? What happens if I just can't go backward?”
“If you decide you don't want to try again, I'm just going to leave you alone. I'm not going to stalk you, I'm not going to pester you, I'm not going to keep calling and begging—that's really not my way. But the thing is, I don't want us to go backward, I want us to move forward. I want us to accept the fact that I messed up, and just move on from it. Katie, you're the most important thing in life to me. I mean that, I mean it from the bottom of my heart. But if I can't be just as important to you, if I ruined our relationship so much that you can't feel the same way about me, then there's no one for me to blame but myself. If you don't want to try again, I'll understand, and I'll leave you be.”
Katie looked into her coffee cup, as if she might find an answer there, but it didn't float to the surface. “Well, I'm certain I'm not going to make a decision right here and now. I got to think about this, and maybe we need to sit and talk some more, I don't know. The only thing I can say right now is that I'm not dismissing it as a possibility. I'm not making any promises, but I'm not saying no, either.”
Darren smiled. “Hey, I can't ask for more than that, not right now. Katie, I really just want you to know how sorry I am for how stupid I've been. I look in the mirror, and I cannot believe that the man I see there is the same stupid sonofabitch who was willing to choose a political career over the woman who was more important to him than anything else in the world.”
Katie didn't say anything for a moment, but then she smiled softly. “Okay, I've got to admit this has felt kind of nice. We been sitting here talking, hashing things over the way we always used to do. Maybe there is hope, but I'm still not ready to say anything for sure. I'm gonna head for home, and think about all this for a day or two. Let's talk again in a couple of days. I'll call you. Just remember, Darren, I won't go through this again. If we decide to move forward, then I expect one hundred percent commitment from you.”
“And you'll get it,” Darren said. “I swear to you, you'll get it.”
2
Katie Lou got home late that night, and had to admit to herself that her left leg felt like she had put it through a serious military obstacle course. By the time she managed to get into her bedroom, it was actually throbbing. She hadn't used her walker in a couple of days, and while it felt good to be free of it, her left leg was still not all the way up to par. Sometimes it hurt pretty badly, and this was one of those times.
The house was quiet, so she moved as softly as she could into her room, skipped the shower because she didn't want to wake anyone, and just slid into bed in panties and a shirt. She thought she'd be out like a light, but she found herself going over the entire evening again in her memories.
It had felt nice, she admitted to herself, being with Darren again. She had so many wonderful memories of their time together that even the horrible circumstances surrounding their breakup couldn't destroy all of the pleasure she had known. Being with him again that night for dinner, it was almost like all of the last few weeks had never happened.
What if they hadn't happened? She asked herself what life might have been like, if it hadn't been for the accident that had nearly killed her.
Well, she would probably be getting married, shortly, at least officially. She and Darren had discussed the possibility of a small, private ceremony with just their parents present, and a larger, public one to be held later. That was because he was expected to start work in St. Louis before their planned wedding date, and she didn't want him to be that far away for that last few months. If they went ahead and got married quietly, then she could be with him as their new lives began, and still include all of the family and friends in the official wedding.
She also would never have met Rob Christopher, so that quiet voice in the back of her mind that was telling her to ignore Darren wouldn't even exist. She wasn't sure if it was her own subconscious desires, or something down deep inside that honestly knew what was best for her, but if she was going to give Darren at least the benefit of the doubt, she had to ignore that voice.
She drifted off to sleep while trying to think about other things that might have been different if the accident had never happened, and woke to see the sun shining in through her bedroom window. That surprised her, because she rarely got to sleep in, lately. She got up and got dressed, noticing that her leg was feeling quite a bit better, then made her way down to the kitchen.
Kylie was sitting at the table, on the phone and talking animatedly to someone. Katie Lou smiled at her, sure that it must only be Pete that could get her into such a good mood that early in the morning. Pete was Kylie's latest boyfriend, or at least that was how it appeared. They had known him for years, ever since he was a teenage apprentice in their father's automotive shop. Back then, they had both called him “Greasy Pete,” a nickname that had spread throughout school and stuck with him all the way to college. Katie thought it surprising that he and Kylie would have hit it off the way they had.
Of course, that reminded her that many people had been surprised when she and Darren had ended up dating, and even more so when he proposed and she accepted. The Allsips were probably as close to high-society folks as you are likely to find around Ralston, while the Brennan family was about as down-home as you could get. Katie's mother, Judy, often joked that they were related to the Beverly Hillbillies on her mother's side.
“Okay, well listen, Katie Lou just came in, so I gotta go,” Kylie said into the phone, as her sister poured herself a cup of coffee. “I'll call you later, okay? Okay, bye-bye!” She hung up and set the phone down on the table, then looked at Katie Lou. “You were out pretty late last night,” she said. “I know you tried to be quiet when you came in, but I was still awake. Let me guess, you were out with Darren?”
Katie's eyebrows went up. “How did you know? I didn't tell anyone.”
“No, you didn't, but Darren told Dave, and he told Pete, and you can guess who told me. Katie Lou, are you nuts? You almost lost Rob over this mess with Julie, are you really stupid enough to risk it over Darren?”
“Hey, back off. It's like I told Rob, I can't help it if there are still some old feelings there, but I want to be certain of what I'm doing before I just walk away from him forever. You weren't there last night—I'm convinced he really is sorry for what happened. And while yes, it still sucks, Darren is human, too. People make mistakes; we all do. Maybe we shouldn't throw away two years of loving each other over one screw-up.”
Kylie rolled her eyes. “A screw-up is what happens when a guy lets an old girlfriend get too close, like happened with Rob. Throwing you through a windshield and then abandoning you when you end up crippled, that's not a screw-up, that's a betrayal. Katie Lou, look at yourself. A week ago, you couldn't even stand to hear Darren's name. Maybe you need to really think about why you're doing this.”
“Do you think I haven't thought about it? Maybe you should think about the fact that this is my feelings we're talking about, not yours. What makes you think you have any right to judge? Oh, let's see, I guess it's because you have so much experience with romance, right?”
“Oh, come on Katie, I'm not…”
“Yes, you are! You're sticking your nose in where it doesn't belong, just like you always do! Don't you think Darren and I have both suffered enough over this? Maybe this is just a test of how much we really love each other; maybe we had to go through this to make our relationship stronger.”
“Maybe so,” Kylie said, “but then where does that leave Rob? Do you think he deserves to have his heart broken over this? It seems to me, if this was some kind of test of your love, then maybe both of you would have been drawn to someone
else. If you go back to Darren, you're sacrificing whatever you might've had with Rob; what is Darren sacrificing? The only thing he's giving up is his guilt over what he did to you.”
There it was again, that little voice in the back of Katie Lou's mind that was throwing the same arguments at her that her sister was voicing. That last one was a good point, it was telling her. Just what exactly was Darren sacrificing in this?
“Darren is giving up his entire political career,” Katie Lou heard herself say. “He already quit the firm in St. Louis, which put an end to any hope of their backing. Without that, it would take him years to build enough of a reputation that he could consider going into politics again. And I already told him, I'm not leaving this area. I told him about setting up my own practice, and he says that's fine with him. If we get back together, he'll accept that we're staying here.”
Kylie seemed slightly taken aback. “Well, at least that shows he's put some effort into this. He really quit?”
Katie nodded. “Yes, he did. I gather he didn't even last very long, and he says it's because he just couldn't live without me.”
Kylie sat at the table and looked into her sister's eyes for a long moment, then lowered her gaze. “Well, then, maybe he's at least sincere. That still doesn't mean you should go running back, though, I still think you and Rob are made for each other.”
“Okay, look, there's a part of me that thinks so, too, but I'm at the point that I need to know for sure. I can't just go off half cocked, in either direction.” She shook her head. “With Darren, at least I know we were headed for something permanent, for marriage and children. Rob and I never got to that point; I've only known him a few weeks. Just because the attraction is there and strong, that doesn't mean that the relationship would really work. These are all things you have to take into consideration, when you're thinking about spending your life with someone.”