The Deadening

by Yvonne Heidt

  “After Jordan, and that whole scene, that’s when it got really bad, and someone gave me opiates for the first time. You can hear the war story later. I want to focus on where I am now. The fucked up thing about drugs is, by the time you know you’re addicted, there isn’t anything you feel you can do about it. It’s near impossible to think past the cravings for more. And more. Then you need it just to feel human, and not feel like your body is falling apart. After that, it takes more to feel the effects, it never works as well as the first times, but at least when you’re doing it, you don’t feel as if you want to die.”

  “Was your detox horrible?” Raven asked. “When you went to treatment?”

  “Yes. And part of the reason I didn’t contact you. Jesus, I hated Jordan and Kat in the beginning. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I don’t wish it on my worst enemy.” The stabbing cramps in her back and belly, the chills, then sweats, and inability to sleep or eat. Even the thought of taking a shower was excruciating, because the force of the water hitting her skin felt like needles. She’d ended up lying in bed, jerking and rocking, and wondering why a person could be put on earth to suffer like this. She hated herself, she hated everyone else that wasn’t addicted, and she wanted to curl up and die.

  Shade blinked away her memory, and saw Raven staring at her with tears in her eyes.

  “I had no idea,” she said. “Yet, you kept me out of your mind. I couldn’t reach your energy.”

  “I didn’t want you to witness that, Raven, and truthfully, I didn’t think I’d ever be well enough for you. I believed I was irrevocably broken. By the time I realized I could get well, I didn’t want to come back until I had something to offer you.”

  “You broke my heart. I’m not going to sugarcoat that at all,” Raven said. “You could have explained that to me then. I might have been able to help.”

  Shade shook her head. “No. It was my fight to win, my wreckage to clean up. I had to do it alone. By the time I was clearheaded enough to realize what I’d done, I thought it might be too late, that the damage had been done. I was afraid of rejection, and my sponsor told me it was in your best interest that I wait.”

  “I can understand that.” Raven pushed her plate to the center of the table. “I don’t like it, but I can accept it.”

  “So here we are.”

  “Yes.”

  Shade watched Raven’s body shift as she uncrossed her legs under the table, and a shiver skittered down her spine when her foot caressed her calf beneath the tablecloth. She inhaled sharply at the contact.

  “Pay the bill,” Raven said.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Raven whimpered when her back hit the wall in Kat’s condo, but she didn’t allow her lips to break contact with Shade’s.

  The sensation of her tongue being sucked was glorious, but her body cried out in other places as well. Shade’s shoulders pinned her to the wall. She’d filled out since she’d last been with her, and she was stronger. When she couldn’t draw a breath, she finally pulled back to gasp for air. “How’s your back?” she managed to ask.

  “Fine.” Shade spun her away from the wall. Raven teetered on her heels and grabbed a hold of Shade’s hips for balance while she kicked them off. Then she gathered strength to push her away, but Shade came right back like a rubber band.

  “Wait.” Raven put her hand on Shade’s chest. “Go over there.”

  “Where?”

  “You should see the look on your face.” Raven laughed. “There.” She pointed to the couch. “And open the curtains. I want to see the city. Where’s the bathroom?”

  “Down the hall, second door on the right.”

  Raven had always heard how beautiful Kat’s condo was, but this was the first time she’d been there. The moon was full tonight, and she wanted to revel in its power. As much as she thought she loved Shade before, tonight she’d discovered another pocket in her heart, just waiting for her to find, and the intensity of her feelings was a little frightening. She hadn’t known it was there, and how can you prepare for something you’ve never felt before?

  Her panties were soaked, and she realized while looking in the mirror that the back of her dress sported a wet spot. She took them both off, and then her bra. Just being naked in the same place as Shade had her insides quivering, and her body screaming to be near her.

  Raven fluffed her hair and licked her lips. She heard Shade in the kitchen, and the clink of ice cubes into glasses, and shivered. Her nipples ached, and she felt the need to be filled up. Fire burned inside her core, and a wave of desire hit her so hard, she had to put her hands on the bathroom counter to steady herself. This wasn’t an ordinary call of desire. Raven felt she might faint if it wasn’t answered, that she’d break if she wasn’t held together by Shade’s arms.

  She was also ready to give Shade as good as she got.

  *

  Shade took the glasses of ice water back to the living room and then opened the drapes. The lights of the city competed with the luminosity of the full moon. Standing here, seemingly on top of the world, she felt powerful. Better than any drug she’d ever tried, high on spirit. She could manifest her destiny, be the person she wanted to be.

  Be the woman Raven needed. She turned when she heard the click of the bathroom door. She hadn’t turned on any lights in the room, yet she could see clearly.

  Raven came down the hall, naked, and the water glass slipped from her hands to drop on the travertine floor. Incredibly, it didn’t shatter, and Raven smiled.

  Like a goddess, she walked toward her, full of magic and seduction, and Shade would do everything in her power to worship her, body and spirit. Her eyes burned and she memorized every detail of this moment, permanently etching Raven into her soul.

  Raven stopped in the middle of the room, her hands down at her sides, her head bowed for a moment, as if in offering. Shade crossed to her and wrapped herself around Raven until there was no space between them but her clothes. It was incredibly erotic and Shade trembled.

  She let one hand drift to Raven’s ass, to squeeze and attempt to draw her closer. Raven’s head tilted back, and Shade felt her hair tumble around her arms. Raven arched her back and pushed her hips nearer yet, and Shade felt her heat through her pants.

  With her other arm, she straightened Raven until their chests were also pressed together, and their hearts beat in tandem along with their breath. She exhaled into Raven’s ear and followed it with a swirl of her tongue before she blew gently again. Goose bumps rose on Raven’s body, and Shade felt her shiver against her. She continued the trail her tongue started until she reached Raven’s mouth and licked her lips softly before pressing into the kiss. Her head spun with sexual exhilaration.

  Raven kissed her back with the same intensity, followed her lead, and gained momentum as Shade’s tongue entered her mouth, and she tasted her again.

  Pure and sweet.

  Mine.

  Shade was ready to drop her to the floor, had even put her foot behind Raven’s to do so, and stopped herself. Instead, she used her body to back her up, down the hallway and into the bedroom.

  Raven’s teeth nipped at her lips, and each time, the tiny pain shot a lightning bolt between Shade’s thighs. When they were at the doorway, Shade placed a hand between Raven’s legs,and stumbled when she felt smooth, naked skin. Raven was on fire, and so wet.

  For her.

  She ran her fingers between Raven’s labia, soaked her hand, and stumbled. She leaned against the doorjamb and watched Raven climb onto the bed. As soon as she turned to look back at her, Shade sucked the tips of her own fingers while Raven watched.

  “Omigod, that was sexy.” Raven stared at her. Shade watched her breasts sway gently with the effort it was taking her to breathe.

  “What do you want, beautiful witch?”

  “Everything.”

  Shade unbuttoned the white shirt slowly, unzipped her pants, and let them drop to the floor. “Okay, if you think you can handle it.”

>   “Hope you held on to your walker.” Raven laughed.

  “Brat, you did not just say that!” Shade pounced on her.

  The sound of laughter died quickly and was replaced with a sweet, heavy breath in her ear, and tiny whimpers from Raven’s throat. Shade didn’t feel as if she could get close enough. She wanted to melt into her warm skin and share her heart. She wanted to live inside her spirit.

  She growled in the back of her throat. The surge of their connection intensified her need to take her. She sat up and repositioned herself between Raven’s thighs. “Wider,” she said, and pushed her knees farther apart. Shade moaned. Raven was completely exposed to her, wet and glistening in the moonlight, her lips full and open, ready for her attention. She lowered herself, inhaling her scent, and then blew softly on her folds. “Every part of you is gorgeous,” she whispered.

  She watched Raven’s flesh shiver, and gently fanned her breath again across her clitoris, fascinated when she saw it twitch.

  “Shade. Please, baby.”

  Shade swiped her tongue lengthwise, tasting every inch she could reach, and she knew she would never get enough of her. Raven pulled her knees up to her chest, giving Shade more to look at, more to taste, and when her hips tried to move, Shade pinned them to the bed.

  She sucked her engorged clit, and Raven cried out. “Now, Shade. Fuck me now.”

  Shade’s own hips ground against the mattress, and she tried to find a pressure point to ease the throbbing of her own clit as she entered Raven’s heat with two fingers. She felt her inner muscles instantly clamp around them, and Raven’s body rocked against her hand and face.

  Nothing existed but Raven’s scent and flesh, and her cries spurred Shade to give her more. She stroked inside her, both hard and soft, and continued to lick and suck after Raven’s first shattering climax had passed, and she brought her to another.

  Shade felt she could stay there all night, bring her more, and listen to her cries of pleasure, while she trembled and came against her mouth.

  But Raven rolled to her side. “Enough.”

  Shade turned onto her back and sighed. She was happy, sated by Raven’s satisfaction. She wiped her mouth and chin with her hand, and before she realized what was happening, Raven’s hands grabbed her under the arms and pulled her up the bed toward the pillows.

  Shade was flat on her back. “I’m good,” she said. “Cuddle with me.” She wasn’t really, she had come rubbing herself on the blankets, and had another orgasm the last time Raven did, but both had done little to relieve the pressure that still pounded insistently.

  “Don’t do that,” Raven said softly. “Don’t shut me out.”

  “What?” Shade was confused. She’d been completely invested in Raven’s pleasure. What was she doing wrong?

  Raven’s hair fell in a curtain around her face, and she covered her with butterfly kisses. “It’s my turn to love you.”

  Shade’s throat closed with emotion. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been on her back and open to receive anything.

  “Good,” Raven said. “Then you’ll only remember me.”

  Shade didn’t know what to say, but Raven appeared to be waiting for permission. Shade felt vulnerable, and the corners of her eyes burned so she closed them. Raven licked the tears that escaped, then sucked Shade’s lower lip into her mouth. Shade felt paralyzed, and unsure.

  “Do you trust me?”

  Shade nodded without hesitation. “Yes.”

  Raven straddled her hips, and she rested her weight above Shade with her forearms. Her breasts swayed in her face, and Shade reached up to gently knead their softness. Raven shifted again so she could nibble on one. Shade looked up at her face and saw the pleasure ripple across Raven’s features, and her hips pressed down.

  Raven pulled away and cradled her breasts. “Do you like these?” she asked.

  Shade reached for Raven’s ass.

  “Uh, uh.” Raven scooted backward on her knees until she was between Shade’s thighs, and spreading them for her to kneel between.

  God, she was turned on. Shade’s muscles tightened, then trembled with excitement. When Raven whipped her hair back, held it to one side, leaned over, and flicked her tongue across her clit, she nearly lost it again. “Jesus, Raven. Stop it. I’m going to have a heart attack.”

  “No, you’re not.” Raven got back up on her knees, and twisted her own nipples into tight little points, before sliding her left breast along Shade’s labia.

  The softness of her skin and the hardness of her nipple was a juxtaposition of sensation she’d never felt before. What was even more exciting, was how erotic it looked, as Raven’s tit slid across her flesh. When Shade saw her own wetness covering her dark, full areole, the wave of lust that hit caught her by surprise, and her head fell to the pillow. “That feels so fucking amazing.”

  Pressure built in her entire body, and her muscles tightened in response. Raven’s lips closed around her clit, and Shade felt the edge of her teeth as they scraped against her. She panted and whimpered, and the intensity of her orgasm shattered her consciousness.

  Then she was aware of Raven holding her, her soothing voice and gentle caresses as she experienced several more.

  From behind closed eyes, she watched their energy braid together in several more variations; colors and emotions flew across the night sky of her mind and she felt complete.

  Shade felt Raven’s magic brush against her senses, the gentle brushes of her astral wings as they wrapped around her.

  And they flew together into the night.

  Epilogue

  Eighteen months later…

  Raven screamed.

  Shade’s blood turned to ice in her veins. She’d cut her client off in the middle of his sentence, apologized, told him to make another appointment, and ran out of her office and down the stairs.

  Sunny met her at the bottom of the stairs, and Jordan was right behind Shade. Kat was already in the car, and they raced outside.

  “Wait for me!” Tiffany yelled.

  “Hurry!” Shade held the door open, then slammed it when Tiffany got in. Everyone was talking at once, but Shade didn’t hear a word. She huddled in the backseat of the new Sisters of Spirits mobile unit and tried not to let her mind race to the worst possibilities.

  Raven screamed in her head again, and she started shaking with fear.

  Sunny and Tiffany both held her, but even with their healing force, the intensity of their shared bonds of energy, Shade couldn’t pull herself together. She felt like a stunned bunny, paralyzed with indecision.

  When she felt another wave of pain, she nearly doubled over. “Would you fucking drive faster?” she snarled at Kat.

  “There’s our Shade,” Tiffany said. “Come on back. Raven needs you.”

  Kat screeched into the parking lot, and as a unit, they ran into the hospital. Shade looked helplessly at Sunny when they reached the front desk.

  Sunny wrapped her arms around Shade and held her tight. “I love you. Now go. I’ll take care of this.”

  Shade wasn’t going to wait for the elevator. She ran up the stairs two at a time. Her adrenaline gave her the strength to overcome her fear.

  When she shot through the door, she was met with a wall of people. She tried to push through them before she realized they were her in-laws.

  Juanita grabbed her arm and pulled her along. “She’s going quickly. Go to her now.”

  Nurses handed her a name tag, and she ran down yet another hallway.

  An intern motioned her to the room Raven was in, and Juanita came in behind her

  Her wife was in excruciating pain, covered in sweat, and her hair lay in wet tangles around her face and neck. Shade felt the next contraction as if she were experiencing it herself and nearly dropped to her knees. She looked helplessly at Juanita. “I thought first babies took a long time to come!”

  “Why would I let my daughter suffer and go through that?”

  “But I almost didn’t make it.
You could have warned me.”

  “Hush,” Raven said. “You’re here now. I waited for you.” Her face tightened, and she blew out several quick breaths in succession. Shade felt the band of pain inside her abdomen. She thought fracturing her spine hurt, but it didn’t come close to what Raven was going through.

  Time sped up, and Shade lost track of what was going on around her, because her focus was on Raven, holding her hand, and wiping the tears on her face, while Raven’s mother held her hand on the other side of the bed. The doctors and nurses were all busy, and Shade ignored them.

  A nurse slid a high steel stool closer to her, and Shade balanced against it, never taking her eyes from Raven’s while they breathed as one.

  “Time to push.”

  “Thank the baby Jesus,” Raven said, and after three excruciating attempts, Raven fell back against the bed.

  Shade felt the wave of relieved energy surround Raven, but she couldn’t tear her eyes off the blood. God, there was so much, it made her dizzy, and then everything went dark around the edges before she felt herself fall.

  When she saw Juanita and a nurse standing over her, she felt humiliated, and batted them away from her so she could stand up again.

  “You all right?” one of them asked her.

  Damn it, she missed cutting the cord while she was flat on the floor. Friends and family were beginning to crowd the small room. Both her father and Raven’s were grinning at her from the corner of the room, near the ceiling.

  Shade looked over at the bed and saw Raven smiling at her while she held their tiny infant daughter, Hope. The force of their love lit the room. She wiped the tears from her cheeks and pushed her shoulders back. Everything she’d gone through in her life was worth it in that second—because it led her to this moment. The moment her life was truly complete.

  “I’ve never been better.”

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